Nanny Goats in Panties: How To Mercilessly Taunt Those Who Raise The Dead

Friday, August 15, 2008

How To Mercilessly Taunt Those Who Raise The Dead

Nanny Goats in Panties feels the awesome weight of our duty to entertain the millions of you who stub their toe and tumble down the Internet hill, landing on the dotcom that is NGIP, Jack, with Jill right behind you! You people are relentless, coming here day after day after day.

To you anal-retentive and argumentative types who wish to point out that our traffic counter merely reads 18,000 or so, we submit that we are using an archaic blogging widget that, like a 1982 Honda odometer, has rolled over several times. Whenever that meter hits a million readers, it starts over at zero again. So really, NGIP has had like, one gazillion, forty-seven million, eighteen thousand some-odd readers as of today.

May we say we love what you're wearing and where did you get that cravat? Your repeated bleats to Nanny Goats have been heard and your wish is our command. We can't tell you how many requests we've received for more of our incredibly tantalizing, internetty tips. And the reason people keep coming back again and again to our humble site? NGIP isn't just a blog of excruciatingly helpful hints, nor is it a vessel of humor...

It is an Internet Experience.

Oh sure, you can read all those other blogs. You might have a laugh or pick up a handy new recipe for chocolate enchilada surprise. But after digesting a blog entry at NGIP, you walk away with a satisfied sense of having lived life: a true Internet Experience. That is what we strive for and by God, that is what you will have.

Also, as an NGIP reader, you get exclusive information that will set you apart from the average blog hopper. You belong to a group whose superiority is exacerbated by what you learn here. We can make you feel inappropriately better about yourself in five minutes or less. In fact, we should get right to today's superiority complex Tip #47.

NGIP Superiority Complex Tip #47:

We want you to feel comfortable insulting others on the internet. You should be able to throw down barbs with confidence and panache. Let's say you're interloping through a message forum about the Stone Tablet industry, a built-in easy target, right? I mean, who better to make fun of than Draconian internet users who can't let go of the old ways. Stone tablets, indeed. They probably don't even know the difference between a USB port and a hole in the ground, am I right? Idiots.

Now, let's say you find a thread that started several years ago, something called "Help! Has anyone out there built a Colosseum?" Go in there, and sure enough, some Neanderthal newbie (username: icankount_123) has ressurrected a thread that ended years ago and has been taking up cyberspace ever since. This is a fantastic opportunity to try out a new phrase you're just about to learn from NGIP. It's called "Necro Post" and icankount_123 has just committed this egregious act that must not go unpunished. Say something simple, forceful and be sure to use your new phrase:

"Nice necro post, moron! No one has posted in this thread since 200 B.C. ...UNTIL NOW!!!!"

Now wouldn't that make you feel just a little bit superior? I know it would me.

NGIP has also noticed your vociferous requests for more FREE stuff. Well, we can certainly understand in today's economy that all you cheapskates out there need more excuses to act like a Scrooge. And we're here to help!

TwentyFourAtHeart is giving away FREE stuff like there's no tomorrow! In fact, right now (until Friday at 8pm EST), you can win a $50 American Express Card. So get on over there and sign yourself up! And while you're there? Congratulate her on her 100th post!

NGIP came across a virtual ad for The Swiffer at Orion Unleashed the other day - virtual being the functional word there. Visit Orion today and see if you agree with his assessment of this "revolutionary" domestic tool... tool being the functional word there. Also, NGIP thanks Orion Unleashed for adding Nanny Goats to his blog roll. Thanks Orion!