BBBY Robbing

It never fails that when I need something from Bed, Bath and Beyond (Ticker Symbol: BBBY), that is the day that any coupons I have are expired. It also never fails that upon my "full-price" return from the store, another coupon arrives in the mail within 24 hours. I complain about this very thing to my friend Dave, who tells me that you can use expired coupons at BBBY. I don't really believe him. Then he tells me that you can use more than one coupon at a time. Now I really don't believe him. I am too literal-minded and too rules-minded to believe him. The coupons specifically say "One per customer". They also have expiration dates on them.

Usually when someone tells me something this ridiculous, I figure it might be true, but not for me, and not when I actually try it. The author of the claim may be known for confrontations and would have no problem threatening the manager and causing a scene and then coming home bragging about how they got something they didn’t deserve. Like those people who get upgraded to First Class on their flight, for no apparent reason. I get horribly frustrated when I hear this and must conclude that they are delusional in order to maintain my sanity. You try to get an explanation out of these people and they avoid a direct answer, claiming randomness, or magic - "I don't know, it just happened." I don't like randomness. Or magic. I want hard and fast rules. And I want them followed to the letter. And I don't want anyone cheating and getting away with it. Because if they cheat, I want to cheat. It's only fair. And I simply must have fairness. Otherwise, I go a little crazy. Crazy is the only option for me, because violence, unfortuantely sometimes, is not.

Everyone must follow the rules. Because if there's one thing that pisses me off, it's when I decide to abandon the rules out of fairness because no one else is following the rules and then I am singled out and occasionally punished for not following the rules. Well, what about everyone else who is not following the rules? I gete mad just thinking about it.

Anyway, I finally get up the guts to go to BBBY and pass off an expired coupon, because I currently don't have a valid one (my karma that I have slowly come to accept). I even wait a day to fool the Murphy's Law people in case they aren't paying attention. I figure if I think real hard about going and intend to go, but hold off for a day, then maybe we'll get a fresh coupon in the mail. But we wait a day and…nothing. We buy all kinds of expensive shit to de-dustmite the bedroom. I slip the cashier the big blue card like it's a packet of LSD. She takes it just as casually and I hear that magical BEEP of an accepted coupon. No questions asked! No hesitation before acceptance. Just: BEEP. Wow! I feel the adrenaline rush of a bank robber. I have just gotten away with something! I cheated and got away with it!

We come home and the Man of the House realizes he forgot to check the mail that day. Guess what was in the mailbox. So I bring unsaid coupon down to LA with me for further BBBY shopping. Turns out, I've already got three of them sitting around down there.

I set out to BBBY to purchase more anti-allergen stuff; this time, armed with two coupons. And one of them is expired. My blood pulses faster as I cruise the store contemplating my purchases. I figure I'll just buy a couple of things. Because if they decide to bust me, I won't be out a lot and I can just come back the next day, every day, and buy one thing at a time if I have to, dammit.

I step up to the cash register with my pillows and two coupons and try my best at acting like it's no big deal that I have two "One to a Customer" coupons in my hand. I pass them across the counter and the lady in the blue apron doesn't even flinch. BEEP - BEEP! SCORE!

The exhirilating rush that overcomes me is like a drug. I'm going back again today to buy a HEPA filter vacuum cleaner. And I'm going to use a coupon. I will always use a coupon. I will never go without one. Or two. Or three. What is the Guiness Book World Record for BBBY coupon usage in one visit? Regardless, I will save them and stack them and from now on, unlike cops, will always have one around when I need one.

It's All in The Name - The Doctor's, That Is.

After eighteen months of miserable itching, I finally realized I had the 24/7 hives and was allergic to something. I don't remember feeling such ecstatic relief as that of an antihistamine after clawing at myself for so long. I was so relieved to be itch-free, only to have that beautiful experience taken away for a few days because my allergist informs me that I cannot be on antihistamine during these allergy tests.

I subjected my body to the poking of 144 plastic-pronged allergen-infused back-stabbers. I displayed my arm for 10 different injections. My allergist's name is Dr. Au (pronounced "ow"), which makes sense I guess. I went to a doctor a couple of years ago for a persistent cough and his name was Dr. Hacker. I don't really want to know what my gynecologist's name will be, but I suppose I'll know how to decide. Just pick the name that fits. So to speak.

Anyway, Dr. Au, the poking-needle guy, tells me I'm allergic to dust mites, which is sort of like saying: 'You are allergic to air'. It is also like saying: "Clean your room, you filthy pig." This is going to require a lot of Bed Bath and Beyond Coupons.

I Got The Book Club Blues

I don't know how many of you remember, but last Fall, I made the mistake of clicking on one of those pop-ups that said "Get a FREE $50 gift card to some restaurant". And all I had to do was sign up for this online bookclub. I did the math and it looked like I would make money on the deal. So I sign up, and start paying for books and wonder where the hell my free gift card is. I figure if I ask about it, they'll tell me that I first have to "meet my obligation" of however many books, so I do just that.

Armed with all obligations met, I send off the first email to ask about it, where I'm pleasantly surprised to see them respond and say that they would contact me if they COULDN'T find out the deal.

Well, I never hear from them again except for the pesky bi-weekly auto-FEATURED SELECTION that you have to OPT out of to avoid paying more $$$ for books you don't want.

So I send them another email. And I send them another one via their customer service form on their website. A few weeks later I forward them a previous note that says, "What's the status, man?"

I get an email from them today that says,

Dear Member,

Thank you for contacting us.

We'll gladly help you with your request, but first we will need your valid nine-digit book club account number. You can find the number on your Reply Form or on any of our invoices or statements. Please restate your inquiry when you reply to this email. Also, please verify your name and current address. If you have moved recently, please include your former address.

Please feel free to contact us again, if you have any additional questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Customer Service Representative

198

So I provided all the damn info they wanted and more. What the hell next?

But see, here's something. I also sent a request for them to cancel my membership, cuz I was tired of waiting. So for all I know, they're asking for that info to cancel my membership, not gimme free food!

to be continued...