Holiday of the Day: National Pie Day

In celebration of National Handwriting Day, we'll be celebrating National Pie Day, for obvious reasons. First of all, this is a blog, and it is virtually impossible to celebrate National Handwriting Day on a keyboard. Second of all, it's pie!

I would like to thank Erin for contributing the juicy strawberry and crusty goodness to the right as well as this link.

Now go out and have some pie!

Lame Movie Review: Wild Hogs

Lamemovies.net has published my review of Wild Hogs.

Happy Feet Day

For all you ignorant clods out there, it's Penguin Awareness Day.


Link --> How To Celebrate Penguin Awareness Day

Oblivious to its poignancy, the MudPup referred to his chicken drummettes at lunch today as "penguin legs". Wait til he finds out how auspicious his words were.

And what's more important, it's 3 days until National Pie Day!

Did someone say pie?

The Weenie Man Saga Continues

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for the big payoff for my rendition of The Weenie Man Song. Well, you can all rest assured that my pride did not die in vain:

Does this Baby Shower Make My Ass Look Big?

Here are two ways to determine if your caboose has been let loose too long with the Hostess Chocolate cupcakes that they sell at the gas station across the street:

1. Knowing your hips are too wide to make it between your chair and your couch, you turn to walk sideways, mistakenly thinking this creates a thinner wake to squeeze between the furniture. As you pass the TV tray next to the couch, YOUR BIG ASS sweeps the half full bottle of root beer over and pours the sugary brown liquid all over the TV tray and your carpet.

2. Go to a baby shower and play the guessing game of how big around the mother-to-be's belly is. You have to cut off a length of ribbon that you think represents the circumference of the belly. You think that since the mother is skinny, you could just wrap the ribbon around YOUR BIG ASS and that will probably be about right. Your ribbon is taped to the wall with the others and you find out you've overshot the correct answer by many many inches.

Book Review: Starbucked

My review of Starbucked: A Double Tall Tale of Caffeine, Commerce and Culture by Taylor Clark has just been published on Curled Up With a Good Book. You can read it here.

Figures of Speech

While attempting to learn some Spanish, my more knowledgable friend, Dave, told me that the phrase tengo ganas (meaning feel like) was an idiom, causing me to question exactly what an idiom was. As I fumbled my way through the family-friendly reference guide known as Wikipedia, the very first example of an idiom is "spank the monkey".

No, I'm not kidding.

The same article proceeded to offer up other idoms along the same vein (no pun intended) one of which was even new to me: "Taking the pink canoe to tuna town".

But here's the thing: I saw this entry 3 days ago, wondering how on earth it was allowed being so .... I don't know.... dirty. Then today I decide to blog about it and when I went to link it for this post... it was GONE! Replaced by something infinitely more PG.

I was all set to make some comment about how I was beginning to rethink meeting my friends in Century City at Pink Taco (again, not kidding) for dinner tomorrow after learning about idioms the Wikipedia way, but then this sudden change in content threw my mojo off and I can't get the Pink Taco joke right, so I decided: forget it. You figure it out.

You can find the old cached version of the Wiki entry by Googling Wikipedia, idiom, and monkey, where you get the following:

In the English expression to spank the monkey, for example, a listener knowing only the meaning of spank and monkey would be unable to deduce the expression's actual meaning (which is to masturbate vigorously). Although it can refer literally to the act of striking an actual monkey with a hand, native speakers rarely use it that way. It cannot be directly translated to other languages - for example, the same expression in German is den Affen schlagen (to strike the ape), with the ape being as detachable from its usual meaning as the monkey in the English phrase is. The same expression in Dutch is het loodje leggen (to lay the piece of lead), which is entirely different from the English expression, too. Other expressions include taking the pink canoe to tuna town and yummy touchy cheeky time.

But enough about me and my problems...What are some of your problems?

It's a Bug's Death

By now you're probably wondering, "Hey whatever happened to that Termite Countdown?" Well look no further because we are now in Vikane Country!

I rather like the sound of that. I think I will consider Vikane Country as the title of my next novel.

She said WHAT?!

- - - - - SNOB ALERT ! ! ! ! ! - - - -

The journalistic editor/genius who decided "getting the quote" was so important, whose philosophy handed down through the generations of newspaperdom has gone unquestioned for too long. Somebody needs to take a step back and rethink that quoting thing. Why?

Because people say the stupidest things.

It makes everybody look bad. Or stupid.

Take an article from today's Sacramento Bee. I know, I know, some of you are already saying, "nuff said", but please, let me make my point.

This article (if you haven't immediately tripped over your shoelaces hyper-linking to read it) is essentially commenting on the impact of a Peet's coffeehouse opening up near a Starbuck's in a relatively affluent neighborhood known as "East Sac", because we Sacramentans are SOOOO creative when naming things - did I also mention that most of the streets in East Sac are named such juicy originals as 40th, 41st, 42nd, and J, K, and L, etc?). Anyway, this quaint older neighborhood with it's white picket fences, educated people and 1.3 dogs per Stepford household, has a certain percentage of Bay Area people, which to some might imply not only an educated, but also progressive flavor to the streets of East Sac. You know, if you think Peet's, you think Berkeley, if you think anything. Then you think bohemian coffee shops, non conformity, etc. Right?

I understand that much of this city's population has recently migrated from the Bay Area and that Peet's, founded in Berkeley, had it Bay Area following. (Trust me, I know ALLLLL about it, my book review of Starbucked is forthcoming on Curled Up With a Good Book, that's how much I know all about it.) What I don't understand is how someone can call the act of a coffee chain store opening up next to another coffee chain store "adding culture" to the neighborhood.

No - No. Let me quote the guy:

"It adds another element of culture to the neighborhood," he said. "You just can't have too many of these types of places."

You mean chains? You can't have too many chains? GAHAHAHHH!!!!!!

No wait, here's another quote on why one woman visits Starbucks over other coffeeshops:

"My husband likes their vanilla soy milk."

Because, apparently (*smirk*), Starbucks' soy milk (Silk Soy Milk, which you can get at the grocery store and save 400%) is better than anyone else's soy milk.

You want culture in this town? Then, for the love of all that is cultural, go see Bodies Revealed! Don't make me quote the dictionary for the definition of culture!

What Would You Do For A Dollar?

And now we return to your locally scheduled programming. This broadcast has been tape delayed in the event that anyone in this video has a wardrobe malfunction or decides to liberally use the F word. Or the N word. Or the C word. Or the S word. Or anything, really.

Word of The Day from Vulgar Latin

In the interest of expanding my vocabulary, I undertook great expense (OK, I ransacked a 50% off post-Festivus clearance shelf at Borders) to decorate my desk with a Page A Day calendar entitled The American Heritage Dictionary of The English Language Word-a-Day 2008 Calendar.

This reporter had visions of brain cells doubling, grey matter evolutioning, synapses synapping. I am reticent in sharing this newfound knowledge with you, but I feel it is my moral responsibility as an inTUH-LEKTCHEWALL to spread the good news that is the English Language. So here, for the first time, a word from the 2008 Word A Day calendar..I give you last Saturday's (Jan 5) offering:

tent

Before you pass out from brain overstimulation, let me also tell you that tent is a noun. Let me further endeavor to elucidate that it means, and I quote, "A portable shelter, stretched over a supporting framework of poles with ropes and pegs."

So, go forth, my additionally educated brethren and sistern. Spread the word. Over poles and pegs, if you must, but spread it. Spread it wide!

Oh, and speaking of tents... It's Operation Fumigation Countdown. Termites will be tented and gassed in T minus 5 days and counting. And that, my dears, would be tent, the verb.

Lame Movie Review: Sweeney Todd

No, seriously. I am now an official freelance movie reviewer for a website called LameMovies.net. And no, the website is not mine; in spite of all my previous posts of similarly-named titles, this is purely coincidence. My first review has been published. Click here to read it. And if you can, leave a comment on there to make the editor think I've got fans.

UPDATE: Apparently you cannot comment, so forget what I said. Maybe that "feature" will be added later.

UPDATE to the UPDATE: Apparently you CAN comment, but you must be registered and logged in to the site.

Sacramento Humor Blog, Humor Writing, Best Humor, Did I Also Mention the Humor?

This is a humor blog. If you got here via a search tool, please click HERE or on the HOME button above to see the latest content.

This particular post is a test of the Emergency Blogcasting System. This is only a test. Please move on. There is nothing to see here. There is, however, something to see HERE.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain fiddling with the fonts below...

Sacramento Humor Blog
Sacramento Humor Blogs
Sacramento Writing
Margaret Andrews

Holiday of the Day: Fruitcake Toss Day

My 2007 NPR calendar, which for some strange reason went past December and on into January, shows us that today is Fruitcake Toss Day. According to my exhaustive research on this blessed subject, today you can officially toss out your fruitcake.


And in other news, while pouring some decaf coffee for my S.O. and me this evening, I burst into song. In fact, I burst into something I haven't heard in a bazillion years, but it popped into my head and it's what is commonly known as The Weenie Man Song. Have you ever heard it? It goes a little something like this:


I know a weenie man,
He owns a weenie stand,
He sells most anything from hot dogs on down.
Someday I'll join his life,
And be his weenie wife,
Hot Dogs! I love that weenie man.

The bemused Mister wanted to know where'd I'd learned such a thing. I have no idea. Probably some camp or band bus road trip thing. And of course when you think back on band trips, you think about those 8 hour overnight bus rides to Disneyland, marching in the scorching 100+ degree heat, wearing thick red, white & blue wool uniforms - why the hell did you have thick wool uniforms? You only marched in the summer time fer Chrissakes!

So yeah, you'd spend all day at Disneyland marching in a parade or two, then goofing around the park the rest of the time, only to dump yourselves back onto the bus that night for another overnight drive back. You're tired as hell on the way home because you stayed up all night the previous evening on the drive down. And that SoCal drinking-fountain water didn't sit in your stomach too well and you have to deftly climb over slumbering band mates to get to the bathroom in the back of the bus to vomit, but not getting there fast enough and having to throw up in your mouth and hands, successfully avoiding getting it all over the bus and your friends...

Yeah....good times.

Christmas on MyTube

With the frustrating assistance of a crappy free video editor, I threw this together (Be sure and pause the music box on the left first):