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Sacramento Kings and Why Sacramento Isn’t “Duh. Winning.”

Poor Sacramento. The red-headed stepchild of California.

I’m not here today to bemoan the fact that Sacramento was ranked #5 on the Forbes List for most miserable cities in the US.

Nor am I here to point out there are no less than five Facebook pages whose titles include the words “Sacramento Sucks”.

And never mind that Sacramento Fashion Week lasted only four days, while Sacramento Beer Week goes to ten.

A fourth reason I am not here is to wax tragic about how this one-sports-team town is on the verge of losing said team to a city that is currently hoarding two other teams in the same sport as well as another team with the same name.

That’s right – our NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, is most likely giving up their posh “big fish in a little pond” status, to go to Los Angeles (Anaheim, to be more specific) where it will become the little redundant fish in a big pond because L.A. already has two NBA teams. And L.A. already has a team called the Kings (whose colors are coincidentally variations of blue, black and purple. And crowny).

I mean are the owners packing their gold-encrusted suitcases just because we can’t get off our Number 5 miserable butts and build a new arena with fancy schmancy luxury boxes?

Well, Kings owner guys, what took you so long to realize that we are not the deciders? So what if we are the hemmers and the hawwers when it comes to progress? Don’t you realize we take pride in exhaustive, oppressive, and  soul-sucking debate? No, no, you go ahead and leave. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, I say.

But, as I stated earlier, that’s not what’s bothering me.

arco arena, sacramento kings

Arco Arena. (Source: CBS)

What’s gotten in my craw is that a corporation who sells cheap-ass gas will no longer adorn our arena, our King’s castle, with their name because it has been replaced by a corporation who has become a global mockery of pseudo science.

I heard a podcast recently that made fun of Sacramento all the way from Australia because we’ve renamed a venue from Arco Arena to Power Balance Pavillion. These Australians, among others, have already nicknamed it “Placebo Pavillion” and “Snake Oil Arena”.

Why?

Because these Power Balance yahoos, if you haven’t heard this story already, sell rubber wristbands bedecked with hologram stickers claiming they will improve flexibility, balance and strength by “optimizing the body’s natural energy flow.” Magic bracelets for $30.00.

Step right up folks, we’ve just paid oodles of dollars for our name to be plastered all over this arena. But we’re holding off on that signage installation to first see if the Kings move to Anaheim because we don’t want our good name associated with an empty, no-team-havin’ LOSER venue.

What? That Australian fraud thing? Pay no attention to the law behind the curtain down undah, folks. We stand behind our scams products. Why, even suckers highly respected sports figures like Shaquille O’Neal endorses them.

Lawsuits? What lawsuits? Go away kid, you bother me.


And since certain people in this town will take money from anyone, we also look forward to the renaming of our capitol building to the Kevin Trudeau School of What They Don’t Want You To Know, where convicted felons of all creeds will learn to produce infomercials about various miracle cures. And possibly sell fraudulent bracelets designer jewelry.

I say the sooner certain basketball team owners stop doing business here, the sooner we can crawl out of this embarrassing hole and work our way down to number 6 on the misery list. Who’s with me?

Video Source: YouTube.com

Related Articles:

Basketball Stars Sued over Energy-Bracelet Endorsement (Wired)

Power Balance Admits Their Wristbands Are A Scam (Gizmodo)

Power Balance Admits Fraud (Neurologica)

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40 Comments

  1. [...] when I bemoaned our sports arena gracing the name of a fraudulent magic bracelet maker? The world mocked us. This [...]

  2. [...] GAWD they didn’t rename it the Power Balance Event Center – I would have had to reconsider my [...]

  3. DameMeow says:

    I live in town where the sponsorship of the arena is a 3rd rate fried chicken chain, so Sacramento doesn’t sound so bad.

    1. You don’t mean KFC, do you? Cuz that delicious blend of 11 herbs and spices rocks!

  4. FLoP says:

    Take everything you hate about Sacramento–the suckiness, the stupidity, the incompetence–now add 20 degrees and 97% humidity. Now spread all that over the whole STATE.

    Welcome to Florida!

    1. Oh, why thank you! Man, it’s a bit muggy. But hey….Disney World. Right?

  5. Nezzy says:

    OK girl…just let it all out…don’t hold anything back!

    Now…breathe in……………..breathe out………..ahhhhhhhhh! Feel better???

    Yep, old PT said it best! I prefer Tootsie Pops myself! Heeehehehe!

    Have a better day girl! :o)

    1. Thank you, Nezzy. I needed that because these things can drive a person crazy if they let it. I’m good. For now. Until another snake oil huckster comes along. :)

  6. cardiogirl says:

    My BIL has one of those bracelets and so do both of his kids! I tried it on and then he pushed my arm while I stood on one leg. I call bulls–t on that. He pressed harder when I wasn’t wearing it.

    And he spent $90 on three pieces of rubber.

    1. Total bulls*&t. In fact, doing the “test” makes it more bullsh^^ty because now you’re piling lie on top of lie.

  7. Mikewj says:

    Where the fuck is Sacramento? Europe? Asia?

    1. Oh, please. Europe or Asia? Really? Everyone knows we reside off the coast of Antarctica. The southern coast, that is.

  8. And crowny! Great use of descriptive journalistic words.

    I really don’t know what you are talking about because I don’t watch sports unless I have to and because all our great teams have gone away too, except for the Vikings and no one will take them. We lost our beloved North Stars to of all places Texas. They are now called the Stars which sounds dumb but better than North Stars because you can’t get much more south than Texas.

    1. With words like “crowny” no one could accuse me of being cliche.
      I don’t watch sports either which is why I had no idea Minnesota also suffered from Nosportsteamhavinitis. (That’s another super journalistic word.)

      1. cardiogirl says:

        I was positive Jen would take issue with redheaded stepchild imagery. And then I realized that was about me and my ability to create and then hold onto a grudge. Um, sorry about that.

  9. Mishj says:

    I think we have our priorities right with beer week vs. Fashion week (although 4 days still seems a bit long).

    Just a point of clarification: Anaheim is in Orange County. The Kings hockey team is in LA (city and county). I can’t blame you for the error, since Anaheim named their baseball team the LA Angels of Anaheim. Even people living in Orange County are confused.

    1. Mishj, you’re absolutely right. I fudged a bit for dramatic effect.

      You’re also right about fashion week being a bit long. Especially for this All Sweatpants All The Time gal.

  10. Oh, this has to be one of the funniest posts I have read in quite a while. What? It’s all true? Oh, my condolences. Still there must be a sense of pride to be number 5! I think I will have a look at all the other Sacramento Sucks blogs. Here was I thinking I was living in the dumps. Now you have cheered me up.

    1. Number 5 is a very respectable number. It shows we’re trying. Being number 1 would go to our head and then we’d just be intolerable to be around.

  11. Lanita Moss says:

    I suppose a strongly worded letter is in order to one of the multiple blonde cast members of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…you know, the one that is part owner?

    1. I’m afraid I haven’t had the privilege. Sayyyy, how many Housewives shows are you watching? Will you be my Housewives go-to girl?

      1. Lanita Moss says:

        Well, I watch OC, DC, NYC, and Beverly Hills. I stay far, far away from Atlanta and NJ, and I absolutely could not stomach Miami. So, if you need a go-to-girl, I’m your gal!

  12. Liz says:

    Wow, leaving a city to go to a different one that already has 2…that’s a hard pill to swallow.

    1. I know! So what if that whole L.A./O.C. area has more than triple the population of us?

  13. Wait….

    “Sacramento Fashion Week lasted only four days, while Sacramento Beer Week goes to ten.”

    That sounds like it’s a GOOD thing. At least to me!

    1. That’s true, Meleah. What was I thinking? That is kind of winning. So you get on wit’ yo bad pajama jean wearin’ self.

      1. Ahahahahhahahhahhaha!

  14. Owen says:

    Quite a rant there Margaret, better put the bracelet back on, and find some balance again… :-)

    1. Ha! You’re right. Hey, now that you mention it, maybe that’s all Charlie Sheen needs.

  15. My son is a partner at Downey Brand, Sacramento’s largest law firm. I’ve been in the area of his Capitol Mall office’s and think it’s beautiful. My son and his family live in Woodland but all of them are avid King’s fans. I can’t believe they would move. Damn!

    1. Downey Brand – that’s right! It’s all business, Linda. Unless the city tries to buy the team off of them…

  16. Pricilla says:

    He felt sumphin all right. He felt all that money flowin’ into his bank account

    1. The placebo effect will always help recruit evangelists.

  17. Thomas C. says:

    How much money would it take to rename it the NannyGoatsInPanties.Com Pavillion? I can’t imagine it’s that expensive, particularly if you’re losing the Kings.

    Which brings me to my next suggestion, which is that we field a professional basketball team for Sacramento, which would be comprised of loyal NGIP readers (only the tall ones), along with actual goats wearing underwear. Because I’m pretty certain that people would pay good money to see goats playing basketball. I know I would.

    1. I should get on the horn and find out how much to get NGIP up there. I suspect it could be deeply discounted soon.

    2. I love this idea but because of my short stature (and my inability to play ball) I would not be able to be on the team. I would be happy to show my support by drinking beer, tho.

      Are you allowed to drink beer in your stadiums? I know there are some where that is not allowed.

      1. Who’s not allowed to drink beer in stadiums??? I mean, besides Salt Lake City.

        1. We went to see Dave Mathews in Tacoma. We had to leave the seats and stand
          by the beer stands during the intermission to drink our beer. It really
          sucked because it seemed stupid to me that you get as high as you wanted to
          in the seats but you couldn’t bring a beer back to your seats.

  18. Mjgolch says:

    the great P.T. Barnum said it best”One ( A Sucker) is Born Every Minuite!”

    1. And it’s so true! And it will always be true.