I know! The last thing a lazy dog does is… anything, really. But it came to Folsom last week. At that fancy schmancy shopping area called Palladio.

And yours truly secured early VIP super special, hot-to-trot, behind-the-scenes access to this Southern California-based restaurant/bar.

By law, I must disclose that the 436 menu items (plus or minus a few hundred) were put in my mouth “gratis”, but the words that follow were NOT put in my mouth. I have a monopoly on my opinion and I’ll say whatever the hell I feel (take that, Outrage Industry!).

Also? You will never hear me say, “doesn’t disappoint”. I hate that phrase.

And if I think something tastes like barf, I will say so. And I will name names if I so desire.

For example, I visited a restaurant up in Oregon recently and the food tasted, well, not like barf, but it was pretty bad. This restaurant — ironically or coincidentally or whatever — was called Salty Dog, not to be confused with today’s restaurant Lazy Dog.

So what have we learned so far? That lazy things are superior to salty things. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Now, when you first walk into this Rocky Mountain Wyoming-themed establishment, you get a feel of the wide-open spaces of the Cowboy State.

Beers on tap come from local breweries (like Track 7 and Lagunitas) as well as their own craft collaborations with Golden Road Brewery.

Lazy Dog Cocktails

Anyway, our hosts presented us with an array of beers and handcrafted cocktails (did I mention this was lunch time?).

A house beer sampler, sangria sampler, something called a Huckleberry Basil Bourbon Shrub (what is a shrub? I don’t know, I just drink them now), and this bad boy right here called a Maple Bacon Old Fashioned.

Small Dishes

Those of us still sitting upright then moved on to the appetizers:

Lazy Dog’s Housemaid Hummus with grilled flatbread

Rainbow heirloom carrots with garlic, queso blanco, cilantro lime crema, and tajin

What’s tajin, you ask? How should I know? I’m not a food blogger.

OK, you went and made me look it up. Tajin is a Mexican seasoning to enhance fruits or vegetables. There. Happy now?

With a “housemade high-altitude hot sauce”, this buffalo cauliflower was easily the best I’ve ever tasted.

Buffalo Cauliflower with “high-altitude” hot sauce, blue cheese and parsley

Because I’m no investigative reporter, I did not think to ask from which mountain the hot sauce was sourced, but it had the bouquet and spicy tones of at least 11,000 feet, so that narrows it down to just a few places, really.

But if high-altitude hot sauce ain’t your thang, you can always get the bacon candy…

Why bacon candy? Two words: Bacon and Candy

Main Dishes

I’m not gonna bore you with a bunch of pictures of the main courses we noshed on like the Black and Blue Pizza…

or the Fried Chicken Sandwich, or as I like to call it, The Tower of Cluckery…

or the bacon-wrapped, haystack onion-topped, BBQ Bison Meatloaf, for that matter…

Some of their meats comes from Durham Ranch, by the way, in case you were wondering

…no, I’m just gonna skip to the best part and show you a couple of their desserts, okay?

Lazy Dog Desserts

If you take a gander at their artsy menu…

…you may be tempted to order the Apple Huckleberry Open Face Pie with honest-to-gawd huckleberries…

… and I wouldn’t blame you, except wait…there’s more. See what I did there?

There’s more.

There is s’more!

OMG the Simms Family S’more!

Where we put the “goo” back in “good”.

If you think, for any reason, you will die this week (probably because you will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and these things just happen sometimes), then get thee to Lazy Dog STAT! Because you are not allowed to die before sinking what’s left of your teeth (from that 2014 prison stint you never shut up about) into a warm brownie with chocolate fudge, a graham cracker crust, peanut butter and fire-roasted marshmallow. Lordy, that was delicious.

In closing and in summary, I would like to thank our hosts who do good food, beer and atmosphere…

Chris Simms (Lazy Dog Founder & CEO); Paul Muller (Chief Culinary Officer); and Chef Gabe Caliendo (Co-Founder)

Chef Gabriel entertains the guests with his rendition of “Stop! In the Name of Love”. The other two “Supremes” clearly don’t know the words.

and thanks to the rest of the staff including the ones in the nosebleed section!

Not sure of these guys’ names, so I shall call them Larry, Moe and Curly.

Hey, got a dog? Bring him!

No, I’m not kidding.

And bring him hungry, because the menu features grilled meats and brown rice for that rascally, panting furball of yours on the outdoor patio. He’s cute, by the way. What’s his name? Whose a good boy — who’s a good boy? YOU are! Oh, yes you are!

The only dog allowed inside is the one made of garbage.

Hang on….is that a 9 iron?!

Lazy Dog’s menu focuses on “elevated, nostalgic dishes made from scratch”, and I’m totally going back there because the food was that good. If you plan to go, call me, because I’m hungry. And also because bacon.

If it is against your religion, however, to step foot in Folsom, or if you are banned from crossing the city borders because of that silly 2014 conviction when the judge gaveled your ass to the hoosegow, fret not, my friend. Another Lazy Dog is opening later this year near the Galleria (that other fancy-schmancy shopping district) in Roseville.