Hello! And welcome to Exercise is Futile, the program where we show you all the crazy ways to move your body around even though we all know its pointless because you’ll probably get run over by a giant duck wearing a bow tie on his way to the dentist tomorrow anyway, am I right?
I am your host, Suzy Tiptoes, and on today’s program, we’re going to tell you how to get your 10,000 steps in while traveling.
First, fly somewhere. Anywhere. Make sure your flight connects to another one via the Dallas Fort-Worth airport with a five-hour layover.
Second, fly American Airlines because they are the ones who will admit you to the Admiral’s Club just by flashing your Platinum American Express card.
Third, when you land in Dallas, go straight to the Admiral’s Club with visions of sitting on your ass for 5 hours and eating all the free cookies and diet soda you can choke down.
Fourth, when you flash your AMEX card at the guy to get in to this horribly exclusive club lounge, find out from said guy that they no longer accept AMEX as free admission. Instead, what’s accepted is some new top secret black Citibank card that you’ve never heard of.
Fifth, walk dejectedly through the length of the C Terminal back and forth and back while dragging your luggage behind you. Look what happens when you do that:
What also happens is you get to do what’s called “seeing the sights” of Texas. For example, who knew that the Lone Star State’s runway models were such big cows?
You can also stand outside this store and sing Karaoke at the top of your lungs and test Pee Wee Herman’s theory about what happens when you do that:
If you’re from California, you can stare at this sign all day and wonder how is it, during the current rise of the outrage industry, that nobody has sued this establishment because they were deeply offended by stereotyping:
I can’t decide if this is ironically funny, or one of those “Ellis Island” or “Cake Decorating” type mistakes where someone is ordering the sign over the phone and the guy on the other end of the line was on his first day of the job.
Anyway, after you’ve walked the length of the terminal 3 times and gotten your 10,000 steps in and you still have 3 hours to go, peruse the Wall of Thanks and set yourself down a spell in the nearby rocking chairs, because boy howdy, your dogs are tired.
That’s all for today’s program. This is Suzy Tiptoes saying, Exercise is Futile, y’all!