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Reality TV Defense: It’s The Latest Thing, Man

I call it the “Balloon Boy” defense, named after that bozo who reported his son was drifting away into the sky in a flimsy foil balloon. He videotaped his shenanigans, unnecessarily wasted a bunch of taxpayer dollars and resources to “save” his son, and captured mass media attention. Later, after it was discovered he was LYING about the whole affair, he claimed it was all an act for a reality TV show.

It’s the latest thing, this Balloon Boy defense, and it will be appearing in a courtroom near you very soon. Just wait. Previews can currently be seen in limited engagements in Florida, via the Dalia Dippolito case, before other cases are released nationwide. You know the Dalia Dippolito case, right? The one where she put a hit out on her husband, but got caught and claimed it was for a reality TV show?

The jury in Florida didn’t buy it. But in Hollywood-loving, celebrity-laden, reality-TV-worshipping, California? I could really see this going somewhere. Especially with the kids.

reality tv defense, balloon boy, dalia dippolito, juvenile crimeLet’s say you’re ten years old and have a shoplifting problem. You undoubtedly have another ten year-old friend with a smartphone who can record you pilfering Marshmallow Peeps and Snickers bars down your trousers.

Or maybe you’re only seven years old and have aspirations of bank robbing. You probably have friends with smartphones too. Just make sure you get away with it the first few times. You’ll need to build up a good video library.

And don’t worry, I’m not forgetting about all you three year-olds who plan on outright murder. Just remember: friends and smartphones.

Then, if you’re ever caught, you can plead the Balloon Boy defense: “Look your honor, I’ve got this whole stock pile of footage. This proves it’s been for a reality TV show all along! I rest my case.”

I’m telling you, those smug prosecutors in their Armani suits and their well-crafted sound bites on the Nancy Grace show, who think they have your juvenile head over a barrel, will be blocking the paparazzi cameras with their briefcases in shame as they exit the courtroom, because you will WALK. Maybe a few hours of community service working the local hot chocolate stand.

Need some reality TV pitch ideas for your own criminal tendencies before you’re convicted? Don’t worry, I give it two weeks before there’s an app for that.

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25 Comments

  1. Arnold could have said he was fooling around with the housekeeper for an episode of “Cheaters”.  Well, it might have worked.

  2. Slommler says:

    You are so right!!  It makes me ill!!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

  3. looks like a very interesting case  to follow, I should think that the IT industry will soon over ruled media though they exist in the same field

  4. Jayne says:

     Nothing will ever top “The Twinkie Defense” for sheer absurdity.  

    1.  Interesting that this post seems to be bringing up the Twinkie defense by more than one person. It must be true that it’s the classic to which all lawyers should aspire. All silly lawyers, anyway.

  5. Ginger says:

    Sad and scary and irritating to think that this could come true in the near future. You are not a prophetess our Meg are you?

    1.  Well, they say every joke has some truth in it…
      So I guess we’ll see and you heard it here first. :)

  6. J. Bear Savo says:

     That’s my defense for becoming an auctioneer: It was all for reality TV.

    1. Ha! Hey, that joke almost seemed too easy. :)

  7. Anonymous says:

     Sad, disgusting but true.  I had just watched a rerun of the wife swap show the balloon boy family was on right before the balloon incident.  I figured it was a scam the whole time.  Nutter!  

    I would not be a very nice judge.  ”Shut your pie hole!  I don’t care what excuse you have.  You have video of you doing the crime.  Case closed.  Guilty.  Don’t let the jail bar door hit you where the good lord split ya.”  Or something like that.  That is how I would play a judge on tv.  

    1.  Awesome. Sounds like you could have a show of your own there. “Judge Junebug”. Has a nice ring to it. :)

  8. Ah yes, the Reality TV Defense.  It is sad, but you made it sound pretty funny.

    “Need some reality TV pitch ideas for your own criminal tendencies before
    you’re convicted? Don’t worry, I give it two weeks before there’s an
    app for that.”

    ahahahahhahahhaa

    1.  Thank you, Meleah. It helps keep me sane to try to see the “lighter” side of things.

      1. Having a healthy sense of humor is essential, my friend.

  9. Pricilla says:

     Hmmm, does this mean I can butt Abby more now?

    1.  I suspect in this world, you can make a living at it!

  10. Bobbi Olson says:

     I think kids need to continue videotaping themselves doing stupid stunts that could get them injured.  Remember they can win money doing that shit!

    1. That’s right! Either via lawsuit or reality TV shows. So many opportunities these days for our kids!

  11. I’m sure some kids will be able to successfully argue that they have no idea what is real and what is not real anymore because of reality tv and the internet. “Your honor, I had no idea that other people had feelings! I just thought they were there to provide me with material for making memes!”

  12. I’m sure some kids will be able to successfully argue that they have no idea what is real and what is not real anymore because of reality tv and the internet. “Your honor, I had no idea that other people had feelings! I just thought they were there to provide me with material for making memes!”

  13. I’m sure some kids will be able to successfully argue that they have no idea what is real and what is not real anymore because of reality tv and the internet. “Your honor, I had no idea that other people had feelings! I just thought they were there to provide me with material for making memes!”

  14. I’m sure some kids will be able to successfully argue that they have no idea what is real and what is not real anymore because of reality tv and the internet. “Your honor, I had no idea that other people had feelings! I just thought they were there to provide me with material for making memes!”

    1.  That’s a good one. We’ll have to come up with a name for that defense.

  15. Karen K. says:

     Or else they’re going to say they wanted to get punked by Ashton Kutcher.  Is that show even on TV any more?  After the Twinkie defense, the crazy astronaut stalker, and the McDonald’s coffee lawsuit, hardly anything shocks me any more.  It’s sad.

    1.  Oh my goodness, yes, that Mickey D’s hot coffee thing. I don’t think Punk’d is on anymore, but then I never watched it, so who knows. I did hear, however, that Kutcher signed on to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. I wonder if that’s true.