I call it the “Balloon Boy” defense, named after that bozo who reported his son was drifting away into the sky in a flimsy foil balloon. He videotaped his shenanigans, unnecessarily wasted a bunch of taxpayer dollars and resources to “save” his son, and captured mass media attention. Later, after it was discovered he was LYING about the whole affair, he claimed it was all an act for a reality TV show.
It’s the latest thing, this Balloon Boy defense, and it will be appearing in a courtroom near you very soon. Just wait. Previews can currently be seen in limited engagements in Florida, via the Dalia Dippolito case, before other cases are released nationwide. You know the Dalia Dippolito case, right? The one where she put a hit out on her husband, but got caught and claimed it was for a reality TV show?
The jury in Florida didn’t buy it. But in Hollywood-loving, celebrity-laden, reality-TV-worshipping, California? I could really see this going somewhere. Especially with the kids.
Let’s say you’re ten years old and have a shoplifting problem. You undoubtedly have another ten year-old friend with a smartphone who can record you pilfering Marshmallow Peeps and Snickers bars down your trousers.
Or maybe you’re only seven years old and have aspirations of bank robbing. You probably have friends with smartphones too. Just make sure you get away with it the first few times. You’ll need to build up a good video library.
And don’t worry, I’m not forgetting about all you three year-olds who plan on outright murder. Just remember: friends and smartphones.
Then, if you’re ever caught, you can plead the Balloon Boy defense: “Look your honor, I’ve got this whole stock pile of footage. This proves it’s been for a reality TV show all along! I rest my case.”
I’m telling you, those smug prosecutors in their Armani suits and their well-crafted sound bites on the Nancy Grace show, who think they have your juvenile head over a barrel, will be blocking the paparazzi cameras with their briefcases in shame as they exit the courtroom, because you will WALK. Maybe a few hours of community service working the local hot chocolate stand.
Need some reality TV pitch ideas for your own criminal tendencies before you’re convicted? Don’t worry, I give it two weeks before there’s an app for that.