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Love Thyself. Just Not in Front of Me

I’d say it’s been at least twenty years since I caught someone ruining his eyesight (aka masturbating). I can only assume that the internet has something to do it. At least for that exhibitionist guy one night in 1988 who turned the flashlight on himself in his car as he drove next to me on the I-80 freeway. I mean, why risk your life on the road, when you can visit Rosy Palms and her five sisters on a webcam for all the world to see? It’s hands-free, but it’s not. How Zen.

My college friend, Angela, was in the car with me at the time, and we discussed at length the coulda-shoulda-wouldas of the incident, because no matter how much training you have, you’re never prepared to react appropriately when some yahoo hitchhikes to the sky. We decided that we should have pointed and laughed. As if that would make a pervert see the error of his ways and stop tickling his pickle in public.

In fact, my increasing paranoia over time has me convinced that nowadays, if you laugh at a guy who shuffles his iPod in front of you, he’ll shoot you. Then who’s gonna pick up the dry cleaning?

I went to a hippie college on the coast whose culture espoused organic and natural living, which included nude beaches. Those of us who balked at nudity were chastised for our immaturity and close-mindedness. “Nudity isn’t sexual,” they’d proclaim, “it’s natural.”

So one day I decided to check out one of the hidden, “natural” places. I walked down to the beach to find a lot of tan naked people lounging in chairs, some of them even playing and running around in their birthday suits.

I tried not to act like a prude, but I didn’t have the courage to strip off in front of a bunch of strangers, so I found a semi-private area behind a huge log, and daringly removed my top. I was topless! Yay for me and my bravery! But there was no way I was going bottomless. When it comes to nude beaches, I have, you know, standards.

So I relaxed on my towel, listened to the crashing waves, and worked on getting rid of my tan lines. The sun was warm and I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt like I had accomplished some great feat, like an acrophobic who has skydived to face his fears. I stood up and just on the other side of the log was a bearded, skinny hippie, stretched out on his towel, doing hand-to-gland combat.

ACK!

I hunkered down, threw on my shirt, grabbed my belongings and ran back up to the car, never to return.

Nude beaches are nonsexual, my ass.

For all I know, people don’t get “trigger happy” these days, but if you’re going to do it around me (and this includes you too, ladies), at least ask first, because you know, I have standards.

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86 Comments

  1. sf_mundi says:

    I’m cracking up – I have been to a half a dozen nudist beaches(always fully clothed) which happen to be some of the most scenic spots (in terms of non-human scenery) along the CA coast. WITHOUT FAIL, there’s a creepy guy wanking off, WITHOUT FAIL. I have no opinions about nudists but creepy old fat guys masturbating in public is just wrong, wrong, wrong. There, I’m glad we’ve resolved this issue.

    1. I don’t understand why people thinks it’s OK to be wanking in public. I mean if they’re going to offend me, don’t I have a right to retaliate? And I don’t mean by wanking back at them. I mean throwing something at them. Or calling everyone’s attention to it within earshot. Or something that might embarrass the guy. Although I can’t imagine what THAT would be if he’s wanking in public.

  2. JennyB says:

    I loved the title and had to visit. You have a talent! I really enjoyed talking with you at SF Bloggy Boot Camp and look forward to more guffaws from your site. I appreciate that our career paths have some of the same elements and will learn a lot from reading here.

    Thanks for the pen too!

    1. Thanks for reading! And for Tweeting! I enjoyed meeting you and BBC too and I hope you have a great week. May you write in good health (and purple ink! :) )

  3. Total_loss26 says:

    That is to bad that your a prude. But at least you tried. Masturbation is perfectly normal, but it probably shouldn't be done in public. It is to bad you influence people with negitive comments

    1. Rebecca Sue says:

      Masturbation IS perfectly normal, but not in public! Perhaps that is why the law forbids it Total_loss26.. Furthermore, it's not the Author who relayed negative comments here, it is you. But I fail to see where anything you had to say will influence anyone so no harm done. Ha Ha! “It probably shouldn't be done in public” REALLY??

      1. Thank you, Rebecca Sue. It's unfortunate that Disqus stole all my comments when I switched blogging platforms, or else Total_loss26 might have gotten a better idea of the spirit of this post, as this one was clearly the only one he read. Most people took this article in the way it was intended and thought it was hysterical, rather than calling me a prude.

  4. Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip says:

    Ewwwww! Hand to gland combat!

  5. Cheri Pryor says:

    I’ve had the drive-by experience….on my way to work one morning. I have to say I was actually a wee-bit traumatized by it.
    Wee bit. I’m sure that would sum it up if I had actually looked long enough to really “measure up” the situation.
    Don’t think I’ll be visiting any nude beaches soon. Okay, ever.

  6. When I was online dating I had a guy once start a conversation with “Does it bother you that I’m jacking off to your picture right now?” My reply, “Well… since I’m a good little Mormon girl from Utah I don’t really appreciate it much.” He closed the chat window… LOL I think he was expecting me to play back :)

  7. I went topless once. I went to a nude beach with my friend and her husband and they stripped down completely. It was a little strange for me and I can’t imagine doing it now but I am glad I can say I tried it. :)

  8. Margo says:

    I’ll keep that in mind, and I love the “hand to gland combat”. Nice :)

  9. Thinkinfyou says:

    I thought you could go blind from doing that?

  10. Mike says:

    You see?
    That’s why hippies should be outlawed.
    I’ve always thought that if you shot all the hippies then syphilis would dissapear.

  11. Kristin says:

    That’s gross and people like that should be done something with. Even if it is a nude beach, it seems like people should still have manners!

  12. dizzblnd says:

    Pointing and laughing is a great idea. Now I will know how to handle something like this (and I pray it NEVER does) happen to me. It’s always very funny when it happens to someone else though ;P

  13. violetteb says:

    That title is too funny,I’m going to have to come back later to read the rest so I don’t choke to death.

  14. mrsmouthy says:

    Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. Don’t you know any stories about newborn kittens or something else more Internet-appropriate?

  15. Roxane says:

    ps. I gave you an award over on my blog, check it out when you get a chance!

  16. MJ says:

    LOL – shuffles hid iPod
    *snort* I am so immature.

  17. Amber says:

    Oh my gosh.
    I have, thank goodness, never seen anyone masturbating. Wait, that one lady I passed in the car looked REALLY happy but I assumed she had just received some good news or something. After I’ve read this entry, now I’m wondering if she was doing something else. Hrm.
    I don’t think I could ever be on a nude beach. I’d instinctively be shielding my private area and people would snicker and point.

  18. my dad and I once went walking and ended up on a nude beach. we were clothed. Still very awkward.

  19. Obnoxious says:

    OH MY GOD! I would have FREAKED the hell out!

  20. Breathe says:

    This is the problem with having one par of the human race visually oriented and the other half always giving the benefit of the doubt.
    Eventually it gets… glandular.
    Too funny, nanny. Glad you kept your panties on!

  21. Hey, if a woman can breast feed in public, then a guy should be able to jerk off in public…
    Hmm. Not really the same thing, now that I think about it.

  22. GRODY!
    I’ve been on some nude beaches and never experienced that. The worst thing I ever saw (in terms of inappropriateness) was my own husband, asleep on his lounge chair in the sun, and obviously having a very . . . er. . . enjoyable dream. I threw a towel over him and went back to my book.

  23. LaTonya says:

    You are nuts! I laughed out loud, and loved it. Yes, I’ll be visiting your site often.

  24. VE says:

    I have these pictures I took long ago of this topless woman at the beach. It was purely and accident that my 900 zoom camera even caught her. Of course I was shoot bird pictures. No really. And oddly, there was some hippy guy by her doing hand to gland. I should probably post them, huh?

  25. I went to college in southern California right next to the famous Black’s Beach nude beach . . . guess where all the freshmen hung out! Didn’t see any pickle tickling though, thank god

  26. Yeow!
    I once found a guy whackin’ it while driving next to my car on the freeway. I was so freaked out about it that I contemplated calling the cops. I picked up my cell, started to dial and then realized he was living his worst punishment. He was middle-aged, punching the clown by himself in a MINIVAN while driving on the freeway. I figured his wife would be pissed enough for the both of us when she found the “hair gel” all over the steering wheel.

  27. LenaLoo says:

    You know, the only pervs I have ever caught doing that deed were directly related to me! Though my hubby and his buddy (not one of the pervs fortunately) have a ridiculous story about hearing a symphony of masturbating one night in their cabin at church camp… at least they didn’t see it!

  28. O.G. says:

    He could have at least bought you dinner first.

  29. happyian says:

    ACK!
    That is an awkward kathy comic.

  30. Alex L. says:

    I’m a fan of nudity… but not in public. Well unless they’re hot.

  31. Gladys says:

    Oh Honey! You should have made the universal sign for BJ. That would have made his pickle pop!

  32. tami lyn says:

    Great. I am sending my 18 year old, who had a boyfriend for 4 weeks to a rather ‘green’ school (read:treehugging) in about 4 months. She is so clueless. Now I suppose I should tell her that maybe she will come across someone ‘shuffeling his/her Ipod’ and that she needs to turn and run far, far away. And to remember to never shake that person’s hand or eat any food prepared by said person. I know, they probably bathed, but I’ll tell her she could still catch something! The only one I have ever ‘caught’ was the hubs, but having just had a vasectomy and having to have had like maybe 100 ‘emissions’ before turning in a sample to be deemed ‘seed free’, I was all for it. Hell, I just had a baby-like I was up for 100 times? But, at least he did it in the privacy of our own bathroom. Remind myself to always knock…..

  33. Jennifer says:

    I am so sharing this blog entry with every one of my guy friends. I just appreciated you on so many new levels!

  34. Blond Duck says:

    I probably would have puked on him!

  35. Bobbi says:

    I’ve had many men ask me if they can “tickle their pickle”, or if I will “shuffle their ipod” after their massage.
    Of course I tell them no, but I know some of them do it anyway.
    I’ve found, you know, “evidence”.

  36. charlene says:

    I too am a card carrying member of this club (hiking hippie not beach hippie but you see one hippie, you;ve seen em all). Mind you, it’s no big deal anymore….I work with special needs teenagers. I’ve seen more penis (penis’ penis’s penai????) then a pornstar.

  37. Most people think they are amazing musicians and like to toot their horns but this guy sounds like he was using you as inspiration.
    Eeks! Keep the goats away, it might get a little sticky.

  38. Ken Geraths says:

    So now we know, Nanny don’t like a that… its good thing, either do I. a time and place for everything and in public isn’t one of them!

  39. Pooba says:

    Ick! I’ve never had the pleasure of witnessing anything like that…maybe pleasure was the wrong choice of word!

  40. mannequin says:

    Ack! Why do you think God made clothes? Smut talk. Just plain smut talk.
    But hey, I think there’s a big nude lifeguard-like guy at smut beach that throws out anyone having s-e-x on themselves.

  41. wa says:

    That guy you saw must have had some balls to be doing that on I-80. But then again, you probably saw those, too.

  42. blognut says:

    Excellent. I always learn something here!

  43. ettarose says:

    Well, I think I should say I don’t have to go to a nude beach and watch a pud puller because you did it for me, but that is the wrong blog.Ha ha, I would have run like hell and only then would I have thought about pointing and laughing. Of course you do NOT do that when you are by yourself.

  44. Betts says:

    I love all the words you managed to use for masterbate in one blog. I’ll add one. I promise to never become the master of my domain in front of you.

  45. Ewwww … ick … yuck … pooey … gag me with a spoon.
    Ohhhh, that didn’t come out right. [lol] ♥ ∞

  46. ByJane says:

    I’m violating my Sixteen Comments rule because this is just TOO funny.

  47. Nikkicrumpet says:

    I’m cracking up over all the creative ways to discribe the act…most that I haven’t heard before. Too funny

  48. Anna Lefler says:

    “Shuffling his iPod?”
    “Hand to gland combat?”
    You, my bearded friend, are a genius.
    ~ A.

  49. Manic Mommy says:

    One has to stop and wonder…what occurred that brought about this post, today.
    Also, years ago, I was sunbathing with two of my girlfriends in a park and noticed a guy about 10 or so feet away, jerking off. And we did stop and laugh at him – then we hightailed it out of there!

  50. Babs says:

    Oh I’ve seen this many times, when I lived in London. Once on a train, when the train was full! Everybody pretended they didn’t see it while the disgusting chap sat opposite me and leered through the whole thing! Another time when I was alone in the compartment with the chap who suddenly stood up and waved it at me! Just like a flag pole! Just as well the train was coming up to my stop so I could jump off the train, just after giving him a really bored look. I was never so relieved to get off in one piece really!

  51. Mrs. C. says:

    Snort, snort. Just when you thought you knew all the terms for jerking off…
    Had one of those in the pharmacy I worked in once. He was getting way too friendly with a magazine and himself and I had to call a cop. The ick factor was monumental!

  52. Jennifer H says:

    Tickling his pickle…ha!
    If I had my 19-year-old body instead of this one, I might be brave enough at this age to consider a nude beach. Let’s just say, y’all have nothing to worry about.

  53. Susan says:

    Nude beaches are non-sexual IN EUROPE because it’s a bunch of people in their 70s tanning their wrinkly hides!

  54. Been to a nude beach somewhere in Califoray-A, long, long ago, and never encountered any pervs. Did strip down to the birthday suit, and loved it. There was one guy who was dancing in the waves so that everyone would notice him and his big wanger, but other than that we were unmolested. ;)
    Ick on the master blaster guy.

  55. Blicky Kitty says:

    I feel like I’ve been entertained and edified. Who knew there could be so many terms for choking Kojak? I have to say I’ve never witnessed anyone shaking hands with the underemployed in public, but if I had I think I would have laughed. I went to tons of nude beaches when I lived in Italy and it was far less creepy there; The only time I ever got creeped out was when I ran into some American tourists…

  56. swirl girl says:

    ‘hand-to-gland combat’ Bwahahahaha!

  57. K says:

    Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever run not public…rosey palming.
    I must be leading too tame a life.

  58. Marinka says:

    One time I was crossing Park Avenue and there was this car making a crazy turn and the driver was nude (at least from the waist up–the part that was visible) with his mouth wide open. So I assumed that he was ejaculating. But maybe he was singing?

  59. Whoa. I could NEVER be brave enough to go to a nude beach!

  60. Muse Swings says:

    I’ve never had the dis-pleasure. It may be that I haven’t been to the beach lately – there’s a hole in the knee of my bathing suit. Hopefully car ‘bater is blind as a bat now.

  61. HeatherPride says:

    I had a similar experience at a “dog beach” in California. There were whack jobs everywhere. Literally. I’ve never been to another “dog beach” since. I wonder if dog beaches really even exist?

  62. ZenMom says:

    I’m still stick on the guy with the flashlight in one hand and his *ahem* in the other. How the hell was he steering the car?
    Or is that another zen thing we are supposed to ponder? :) Ah so. Clever, oh pantied-one. When the student is ready … the flasher shall appear.

  63. amy warner says:

    I think far too often, of the only time I ever caught someone slapping the salami. My brain just can’t reconcile the event. When I happened upon the guy, he was watching college football and had a giant bag of Fritos next to him. I mean, is this all it takes for a guy to get aroused enough to risk blinding himself forever?!
    Men. I’ll never understand ‘em.

  64. Steph says:

    um. well, I really am just at a loss for words. all I can some up with is “noooooooooooooo”

  65. bikerchick says:

    I think you were rather brave in the face of “hand to gland” combat. (Love that turn of phrase!) I’d have tried to get the pervert busted, as I attempted once when I had my own “drive by” experience. Mine was with a truck driver who kept pulling up and back next to my window and waggling his eyebrows, pointing with his free hand. Eeeeeeeeep! WTH can anyone find stimulating about driving in a car on a crowded highway, for heaven’s sakes?!? And more scarily, what control can anyone have of your 10-ton, steel bomb as it barrels down at 70 mph with your hands off the wheel and trying to get attention?

  66. 3boys1mommy says:

    Tickle his pickle
    Shuffling his iPod
    There must be an iPhone app that offers 101 terms for masturbating.
    You picked the best ones my friend.

  67. I’m not touching this one with a ten-foot pole …
    Oh dear, that didn’t come out right at all in the context of this post.
    Oh dear, neither did that.

  68. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
    Thanks for that. :

  69. Sarah says:

    Ack is right!
    Why the flashlight? Just so you’d see him?? Ew.

  70. Alison Veres says:

    When I go to the zoo and I see the animals licking themselves or stimulating themselves in some way, or I watch my dogs doing it, it just doesn’t bother me or creep me out at all. People, on the other hand? Bothers me. Creeps me out. I don’t know why it should. But it does. And I guess, in the case of a guy in a car with a flashlight? That IS creepy. That’s not natural– that’s seedy, and sad, and uncomfortable and pitiful. But mostly, sad.

  71. Ann says:

    So many expressions for the big M or little M. This post however still leaves me giggling like a 12 year old. I say do what you have to do in your own home…with the door shut and do your own laundry after…. :D

  72. Shelli says:

    “Tickling his pickle” O.M.G. Funny and Ewwwie all rolled up in one!

  73. Roxane says:

    OMG there is a nude beach fairly near my house and ever summer I think about going. I mean it IS the only way to get rid of ALL tan lines! But this is the very reason I never made it there. I’m sure I would die of a heart attack.

  74. Ellie says:

    Ha! I’ve had a few pretty hilarious episodes, one with my husband at a gay bar/sunbathing dock in Key West. I was invisible.
    Anyway, LOVE your hippie college. Love that whole area.

  75. natalie says:

    yeah…never seen it, never want to. yuck for sure!

  76. Lisa says:

    Wow, have to say I’m happy to not have had those experiences. Nude beaches..nah..i’m good.
    We’ve seen topless after all we are Canadian…but total nudeness..no thanks..ick

  77. debby says:

    Have to say, this is one pleasure in life I’ve never been exposed to. Right this minute, I’m counting my many blessings. I never thought that I’d hear me say this, but apparently hicks in the sticks, we got standards, ya know?

  78. Jan says:

    “Hand to gland combat…” *snicker*
    I’ve never had the pleasure of someone whacking off for the shock value of it – and the only all-nude place I’ve had the pleasure of hanging out at is a gay B&B in Hawaii, where the people have the decency to go to their room to indulge in their pleasures, solitary or otherwise. Apparently, gay people on vacation have, you know, standards. :P

  79. Mahala says:

    I’ve had the pleasure of two drive by Jack-Off-In-the-Car incidents. One when I was walking through a Zayres parking lot and another when I was working in a convinience store (Handy Andy Pantries.. no chit.) I was working behind the register and this dude pulled up to the window beside me and went about his business. It’s too bad he didn’t see that I was on the phone, with my cop boyfriend.