I’m not THAT picky or selective. I will follow nearly everyone back on Twitter. You know, the 99 percenters, if I may borrow a term. But here’s why I will never follow back those 1 percenters (again, if I may borrow etc., etc…):
1. You talk too much.
Homeboy, you never shut up. Like, every 4 minutes, man, what’s the matter with you? My poor Twitter software doesn’t need that kind of bloated strain.
2. You are an egghead.
As in, you have an egg for a profile photo. Maybe it’s a tumor, I don’t know. But you should have it looked at before you start mindlessly following people.
3. You have an identity crisis.
As in, you have no bio and no website URL on your Twitter page. And I have zero incentive to follow questionable, blank, aimless bandwidth hogs.
4. You don’t speak English.
Ever. Your bio doesn’t speak English either. How do I know you’re not some porno weirdo with a pinky toe fetish? I don’t. And that’s my point. All I need is for someone to point out the fact that I’m currently following some nasty ass child molester from Pervistan, and it’s very obvious according to his (or her) Tweets, only I can’t read Pervistanese.
5. You’re a Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am kinda guy.
You have 10 times more followers than followees AND it would appear that we have pretty much nothing in common. No blog, no fixation on all things Phillip Seymour Hoffman, nothing. This makes it painfully obvious that you have every intention on dumping me within minutes after I follow you back. Lessons learned is all I’m saying.
Would you add anything to this list?
And…. If you want to see if you’re one of the 99 percenters or the 1 percenters, try following me at @nannygoats and see what happens. And give me more than 48 hours to reciprocate, you impatient slag.
Number 5!! The moment I see this: Followers: 33,584 - Following: 378 I never follow back. I also check profiles to see if people RT a lot. If they don’t ever RT I never follow back. It means they never read you, and oh yes, they’re afraid you’ll get more popular than them. Assholes.
I just stubled across your blog and this article in particular had a lot of good points. Now I think I will be folloing you!
Awesome! And I saw you follow me! And now I know how you found me!
I’m a Twitter failure. I just can’t handle the pressure of generating non sequitrs in two different places. And I know I spelled ‘sequitr’ wrong but its 5:09 in the morning.
Sheesh, I gotta learn to manage my time better. I don’t facebook or twitter, if I did- I’d never sleep. YOU. ARE. GOOD.
xo jj
Oh I cannot stand the incessant updaters, eggheads, or blank bio’s either. I am totally with you on this whole list!
Plus, I’m already following you! Cuz . . . I am a believer! In you, NGIP.
Whoot! I MADE it! You’re already following me.
(Who’s Phillip Seymour Hoffman?)
Nora, if I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were kidding. Because you’re a funny person, always cracking jokes. So asking who PSH is, that’s a joke, right? Right??????
I knew I should have said Kevin Spacey.
Um yeah, ha ha, joking. He’s totally Dustin’s brother. I knew that.
I will not follow back if someone touts how they are believers. Believers in what? Well, if it was believers in the benefits of peanut butter cookies, I’d follow back, but if I have to hear a religious rant on my Twitter feed, I go ballistic. There’s a REASON I choose NOT to go to church.
Amen sister!
Good list….I don’t follow the girls from Russian advertising there, umm…services. P.S. I’m not following you, so….
so…..so what? You’re not following me so….? So I can stick it where the sun don’t shine? So you’re going to follow me right now? OMG the suspense is killing me, which is it?????
Love your post, Margaret! I always end up smiling, even when you have tongue in cheek and your really saying something serious. Thanks for brightening my day!
Thank you Linda! And my post loves you right back! I appreciate that we are on the same wavelength here and that you “get” what I’m doing.
LMAO @ give me more than 48 hours to follow back… I totally suck at following back right away. I tend to get to those email notifications from twitter about once or twice a week. Not intentional that it’s not an immediate follow back.
Same here. Sometimes I’m buried in email and that notification stuff is lower on the priority.
I’m not from Pervistan but I do have a (closeted) pinky toe fetish, does that mean you’re going to unfollow me?
Heavens, no, Bobbi. You have to be from Pervistan. Can I see your birth certificate?
Follow? As in, trail after one’s dream? Or that song from the Fantasticks, the chorus of which is “follow follow follow follow follow” and in case you forgot the words, “follow.” I am a very discerning Tweeter and I don’t know that I do follow you. Or you me.
Oh, great. Now I have “follow follow follow” in my head.
Sorry, I don’t facebook, tweet or even own a personal cell phone for that matter. So no worries here!!!
Have a wonderful weekend girl!!! :o)
I have problems with egg heads too… eggs… easy over… with pancakes and syrup… xoxoxo….
Wait where was I ?
Oh yes, how can you take in information thrown by 6000+ people ? WOW the most I have ever followed was about 250 or so … but now trimmed down to 45. The rest of them are “on a list”
You can’t take in what 6K people say. You definitely have to do the “list” thing.
I think that is the best twitter article ever. I am sure I commit all kind of twitter faux pas blunders. I try to get into it…..but ever my life isn’t that interesting to post several times a day. or I would just rather tell ya over coffee.
Amen sister! And we all blunder on Twitter. I’ve done it 3 times this week alone!
I hate the egghead. It is a definite deal breaker.
Down with eggheads!
Love it. I will never understand the auto-follow back people. Be discerning! My big peeve? If someone does nothing but post links, no follow from me.
You’re way more discerning than me. You’ll probably live longer because of it.
For what it’s worth, we’re following you. And I don’t think we fall into any of those five categories (Well, except for the Philip Seymour Hoffman thing. But apart from that, s’all good).
It’s worth a lot that you’re following me. And you meet over 345 of my criteria to follow you!
I’m already following you, though I don’t know why you follow me (if you do) ‘coz I never tweet anything other than my blog posts - and that’s automatic from my blog.
Oh, that’s easy: I follow you because I like you!
I am following you already and I’m not an egghead, promise!
I know you’re not an egghead. And I mean that in a good way.
I can’t believe I wasn’t already following you. You have over 6,000 freakin’ followers girlfriend. You’re clearly the Lady Gaga of the blogosphere.
Ha! Well, at least you think so, so that’s…….one person.
The publicist is already following you. I do not have a twitter because the publicist says she does not enough time in the day to interpret my maaaas.
I mean really! What exactly does that woman do?
I can’t figure it out. I thought she was there to tend to me and my needs.
Harumph!
Maybe you should give your publicist a raise. That might motivate her to interpret your maaaas.