When I reach a point where I don’t want to the leave the house because I’m afraid that my neighbor, old man Warner, will shoot me for hammering on the wall all night, or the old lady behind me in line at Kentucky Fried Chicken will stab me in the back for repeatedly backing into her and stepping on her sandaled toes… you know, when I feel the world is against me for no good reason, then I know it’s time for me to get out in the real world to restore my faith in humanity. Too much talking-head, fear-mongering television will brainwash you to the point of going fetal. And sometimes we need to be reminded that people are kind and generous in real life.
However, when I decided to take a stroll along the Redondo Beach strand on a warm and sunny day, I was shocked and dismayed at this display of flagrant disregard for others.
I mean, here it is, eighty-some-odd degrees outside. This flag-wielding, America-loving guy is loaded down with everything he owns. Probably homeless. Can you see what’s going on here?
I’m a tax-paying citizen like everyone else, but when I see this kind of thing in public, I just want to throw up and start petitioning for change. I mean, what kind of thoughtless individual leaves their straw sticking out in the path of a fellow human being, which will surely send the poor bum and his stinky, moldy luggage, sprawling onto the ground, right into the path of a bicyclist (some distracted idiot talking on his cell phone and not watching where he’s pedaling), resulting in the smelly hobo’s death?
I don’t need to see that. I’m trying to get away from that. I want to witness some compassion. So I headed down to the pier in search of some frickin’ serenity.
At first, the lapping of the water against the boat instilled in me a sense of peace…until I got a closer look at what was hanging off the mast:
Since when was publicly hanging a kidnapped woman an OK thing to do? I called out to her and she didn’t answer, no doubt because she feared for her life, and I didn’t blame her, because look what I saw on deck!
That’s right! She was being held hostage by a Pirate/Buddhist consortium of Pacific Rim thieves. I ran to a phone and called 911. I screamed about how a bunch of treasure-hunting, eye-patch-wearing monks had kidnapped a beautiful heiress. I was panicked, but I advised that they would soon be hearing from her captors regarding a ransom demand. The next thing I knew, the place was swarming with cops.
I was then cuffed, read my rights and hauled off to jail. The joke’s on them though. I was almost immediately transferred to the Laughs and Giggles Funny Farm where the starchy-dressed staff has been nothing but kind and accomodating.
I play with finger paints and string all day. They don’t let us watch television, which is fine with me, because now I’m with my people. My community is where I live, not where the reporters race to every day. And it is in my community where my faith in humanity has been restored.
* * *
And just when I thought every other blogger was named Jennifer (that’s right, I’m talking to YOU, Jennifer), along comes the attack of the Kirstens. First, Kirsten from Suburban Psychosis tagged me with one of those “Six Quirky Things About Me” memes, and then Kirsten over at The Soccer Mom Files presented me with the Superior Scribbling Award.
Thanks for the linky love, ladies!
What? No underwater basket weaving?
What color are Nannie goats’ panties? Are they Granny panties, cotton bikinis or thongs? I am just curious…not a perv or anything…
LOL, yeah, a Buddhist pirate consortium. I wonder what 911 would say to that? Hey hit me back or I wont’ visit you again. Come on.
The nerve of that straw wielding patriot hater!
Wait.
You have string AND finger paint?! Damn, that sounds like good times.
Well, Nanny, I’ll be on the lookout for a kidnapped heiress, and I’ve alerted the local police about the whole straw thing. I’m worried it’s turning into a meme or something! Personally, my roommate left a piece of thread on the floor yesterday and I almost tripped on it!
Thanks for speaking out against the important issues at hand. ;D
Oh the humanity!!!! What is this world coming to?? Is she serious with that straw? How wreckless can one be?! Makes me want to drink the kool-aide.
that mermaid was HOTT!!!!
you seriously make me laugh out loud!!
I think you should invite the homeless man over for an old fashioned string-along.
Maybe your finger paint and string artwork will bring happiness and serenity to someone else’s life. Like the homeless guy!
Poor homeless guy. I hope he made it past the straw ok. He should really invest in some rolling suitcases.
Great blog…just found you today. You crack me up.
Sometimes we are “Jenn” you know.
Hope you find some inner peace at the Institute for the Very, Very Nervous.
Say it with me now, “Ohhhmmmm. Ohhhmmmm.”
ahhh the wanderlust of life has a hold, has hold on me, down to my soul!
You are so right - the world is a scary place…which makes being a hermit that much more appealing to me!
Fun post!
Have a great day, and try to stay out of trouble, okay?
Finger paints and string?! Sounds like heaven!
Hey, I know you Mr. Pirate Budda guy. Doobie Doobie Doo.
That poor man is going to break his leg and it’s going to be ALL HER FAULT. I hope he sues.
sometimes you never know what you have to go through to get back to your people.,…
No, not the beach for serenity! The beach is for suckers.
When I need to get away from it all and have my faith in human nature restored, I go to Compton.
Works every time.
I know what you’re up to! You went to the Redondo Beach pier area for some “serenity”. Yeah, right! You were at Naja’s the whole time!
Nan, I’m sooo glad you finally showed up here at the “farm” I have buttons to string and snowflakes to cut out and now I have someone fun to do it with! I hope you brought scissors. They won’t let me have any. They won’t let me watch TV either, but thank goodness I get to read your blog!
LOL I so needed that laugh. Where are all the Bhuddist pirates? I’m intrigued.
I’m home sick, feeling sorry for myself, and this is exactly the post I needed. I so love the poor kidnapped lady. Bless her heart.
Was that the reincarnation of Sarah Palin?
I honestly can’t stop laughing looking at the kidnapped lady attached to the rope and the Buddah? It’s priceless…
Thanks for placing the call kind goat. I don’t think I could of taken one more minute of those monks… they were so… quiet.
Wow, that’s some scary shit. I’ve seen many a straw-related death, and they are always bloody and stomach turning.
LOL Great post.
Btw, I have an award for you on my blog.
Was that one of those mannequins like in “Lars and the Real Girl?” *shiver*
What kind of drugs do I have to be on to come up with this kind of stuff? Or better yet, what kind of drugs do I have to be on to UNDERSTAND this stuff?? Congrats on your awards, my blog would look pretty with an award on it….sigh.
I’m sooo jealous! My funny farm won’t let me have string.
OMG, how horribly funny! I like your ‘little community’. I actually think I may like it there (string and finger paints). Oooo, do they let you walk around in pretty gowns with the ties in the back?
I believe you! I, too, have encountered a group of pirate/buddhist
thieves. You have to be careful who you talk to though, they have spies everywhere and I once heard from this girl’s brother’s uncle’s wife’s sister’s hairdresser that they found out that somebody saw them and tried to call the police on them and they kidnapped them and kept them hostage for 5years peeling apples on their boat. Well, it was something like that.
You never fail to make me belly laugh…you know the good cleansing kind…but that little Disney blurb had me spit laughing. You are a total NUT! Thanks for the laughs
Sheesh, what’s become of our world when a nice little goat like you has to go to the happy home, while the pirate kidnappers get off scot-free?!!
Congrats on the award.
Do you need a penpal while you’re at the funny farm?
Nanny I am sooooo glad I found you way back when. I have had nothing but good times reading your posts, thakns….and did they let that poor lady down and place the pirates in prison when they put you in that lovely home?
Thanks for the memories.
I had no idea goats could hold a rope like that! you sexy chica you…