If Hawaii’s tourism was not in crisis mode (as reported in Business Week today), they wouldn’t have taken such drastic measures in drawing visitors, and I wouldn’t have noticed all their everyday evil doings.
But this trip to the pineapple-laden paradise has revealed their sinister desperation for our dollars and uncovered the farce behind the so-called “Hawaiian Culture”. It is a conspiracy to end all conspiracies and I’m here to expose their lies and chicanery.
Here are just a few samples of what we thought we knew about Hawaii:
Aloha and Mahalo
Hawaiian proponents would have you believe that “Aloha” means “Hello”, “Goodbye” and “Love”, while Mahalo allegedly means “Thank You”. This is just a ruse to make tourists, and paticularly mainlanders, think they are visiting a foreign culture.
Have you ever noticed how they speak this alleged language when tourists are around to witness it? But have you ever heard them use Aloha and Mahalo when you are not there to hear it, or when they are in their own home?
Do you honestly believe that they answer their phone at home, “Aloha”? No, they say, “Hello” like the rest of us normal people. Have you ever heard locals say “Aloha” to each other? No, they say it to you. And they deliver it with an evil, money-grubbing smile. Just look at them the next time you walk in to Don Ho’s Whale of a Deal Canoes and Other Fine Things store.
An example: A Hawaiian walks into a bar, specifically, the Wiki-Wiki King Kamehameha Bar and Grill
Bartender: Aloha, Brah!
Hawaiian: I’m Hawaiian, man.
Bartender: Oh. Hey, man, what’s up?
This is precisely why locals avoid such touristy places and have their own bars that we “haoles”, have no idea exist.
Do Hawaiians really drink Mai Tais, or was this inebriation-inducing concoction merely created to make us naive visitors hand over money in fifteen dollar increments to maintain Hawaii’s tourism trade they so heavily depend on?
Same Hawaiian walks into a bar, specifically the Banana Monkey Aloha Dive.
Bartender: Aloha! We have specials on Mai Tais. Only two for $19.99!
Hawaiian: I’m Hawaiian, man. (Stifles a belch. Or not, since there are no tourists around.)
Bartender: Oh. Grog, then? (Also may or may no be stifling a belch.)
Hawaiian: Yeah.
Bartender: That’ll be fifty cents.
Those plumeria necklaces that they attack you with are merely aromatic manipulators that act as a fishing line, hooking you and reeling you in to expensive stores and forcing you to buy $199 glass turtles and “Just Mauied” bumper stickers.
I see what you’re doing, Hawaii, if that is your real name, and you don’t fool me for a second. Your crashing waves aren’t going to lull me. Your multicolored sunsets will not hypnotize me.
I’ve come to realize that Hawaii is just another word for sucker. I’m not trying to be a killjoy, I’m just trying to save you from your gullible selves and see Hawaii for what it truly is.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to a luau. There’s a Kalua pig and a couple of Lava Flows with my name on it.
Because I love the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui (some of the staff are now Nanny Goats in Panties fans), I had to go back and see my little furry buddies again. This time, I caught them hanging ten:
Well, sort of.
I asked this cutie to smile for me, but he just stuck out his tongue…
Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you are? Ignorant haole. I happen to be a Hawaiian. And if you think for one second that us Hawaiians do not use our native tongue, you better think twice. It's disrespectful how you say stupid shit like that and think that no Hawaiians will read it. Guess again. We do use our native tongue when you idiot haoles aren't around. We use it in our every day lives. And if it wasn't for those damn HAOLE missionaries that came and over threw the Hawaiians monarchy, we'd still be speaking our native language. Little do you know about the culture of Hawaii and how much we had to give up. Little do any of you haoles know. And if you think that Hawaii is the only state whose economy is bad, you better realize, that ever since things began to go down, this entire population of AME-RICANS started going down a shit hole. Hawaii is not sinister. And nor is Hawaii desperate for your dirty ass money. If you didn't like your stay here in Hawaii than fuck off. It's your point of view, not others. And what you THINK oh Hawaii, HAH! You idiot. That's what you think. Unless you go to the right places and experience the real culture of this place. Than shut the fuck up. It's people like you that STOLE the land from the Hawaiians. I don't care who you are or what you represent. But you are the most disrespectful person on earth. To go and talk shit about the Hawaiian culture.
So let me give you a very brief lesson on the Hawaiian culture.
Back in the days of King Kamehameha, life was good. Simple. He conquered all the islands and brought them together. Than that idiot captain cook came along bringing all these diseases, killing the Hawaiian culture. Than the missionaries came along, restricting the Hawaiians from doing the many things they used to do in their normal lives. They sent the Hawaiians to school, to learn ENGLISH. Thus, the reason being why we speak the language now. Eventually the missionaries pushed the Hawaiians towards believing in Christianity. Even when our Queen was on her throne, being threatened to give up her kingdom, and people (which you haoles are responsible of) was she speaking not only English, but HAWAIIAN as well. She than, forcefully gave up her reign and stepped down from the throne. LEAVING her people to deal with you idiots.
Yeah, you damn white people had it easy. Go to war here, go to war there. But you didn't experience the things that the Hawaiians had to go through. Dealing with you dumb fucks. Us Hawaiians are nothing close to normal. Don't compare us to you people.