The Hawaii They Don't Want You to Know About

If Hawaii's tourism was not in crisis mode (as reported in Business Week today), they wouldn't have taken such drastic measures in drawing visitors, and I wouldn't have noticed all their everyday evil doings.

But this trip to the pineapple-laden paradise has revealed their sinister desperation for our dollars and uncovered the farce behind the so-called "Hawaiian Culture". It is a conspiracy to end all conspiracies and I'm here to expose their lies and chicanery.

Here are just a few samples of what we thought we knew about Hawaii:

Aloha and Mahalo

Hawaiian proponents would have you believe that "Aloha" means "Hello", "Goodbye" and "Love", while Mahalo allegedly means "Thank You". This is just a ruse to make tourists, and paticularly mainlanders, think they are visiting a foreign culture.

Have you ever noticed how they speak this alleged language when tourists are around to witness it? But have you ever heard them use Aloha and Mahalo when you are not there to hear it, or when they are in their own home?

Do you honestly believe that they answer their phone at home, "Aloha"? No, they say, "Hello" like the rest of us normal people. Have you ever heard locals say "Aloha" to each other? No, they say it to you. And they deliver it with an evil, money-grubbing smile. Just look at them the next time you walk in to Don Ho's Whale of a Deal Canoes and Other Fine Things store.

An example:  A Hawaiian walks into a bar, specifically, the Wiki-Wiki King Kamehameha Bar and Grill

Bartender: Aloha, Brah!

Hawaiian: I'm Hawaiian, man.

Bartender: Oh. Hey, man, what's up?

This is precisely why locals avoid such touristy places and have their own bars that we "haoles", have no idea exist.

The Mai Tai

Do Hawaiians really drink Mai Tais, or was this inebriation-inducing concoction merely created to make us naive visitors hand over money in fifteen dollar increments to maintain Hawaii's tourism trade they so heavily depend on?

Same Hawaiian walks into a bar, specifically the Banana Monkey Aloha Dive.

Bartender: Aloha! We have specials on Mai Tais. Only two for $19.99!

Hawaiian: I'm Hawaiian, man. (Stifles a belch. Or not, since there are no tourists around.)

Bartender: Oh. Grog, then? (Also may or may no be stifling a belch.)

Hawaiian: Yeah.

Bartender: That'll be fifty cents.

Getting Lei'd

Those plumeria necklaces that they attack you with are merely aromatic manipulators that act as a fishing line, hooking you and reeling you in to expensive stores and forcing you to buy $199 glass turtles and "Just Mauied" bumper stickers.


I see what you're doing, Hawaii, if that is your real name, and you don't fool me for a second. Your crashing waves aren't going to lull me. Your multicolored sunsets will not hypnotize me.


I've come to realize that Hawaii is just another word for sucker. I'm not trying to be a killjoy, I'm just trying to save you from your gullible selves and see Hawaii for what it truly is.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a luau. There's a Kalua pig and a couple of Lava Flows with my name on it.

Goat Thing of The Day

Because I love the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui (some of the staff are now Nanny Goats in Panties fans), I had to go back and see my little furry buddies again. This time, I caught them hanging ten:

Well, sort of.

I asked this cutie to smile for me, but he just stuck out his tongue...