Did someone say pie? Man, I love pie. If eating more than one piece of it on Christmas Day didn’t make me sick, swearing to God “I’ll never eat any more pie just please make the Grim Dizzy Icky Vomit Reaper go away”, then I’d eat the whole freaking thing. And none of that bland Reddy-Whip crap. Bring on the plastic no-food-value-whatsoever Cool Whip, yo.
Yes, it’s that time of year. And where better than Nanny Goats in Panties will you find an easier pumpkin pie recipe? Are you ready? Here we go:
Step 1
First, go to Thunder Valley Casino on a night they are giving away free pies. If you get as much crap from them in the mail as I do, you will find out readily enough when that occurs. All you have to do is spend an inordinate amount of money on the slot machines. Then, when you’re out of money and thanking God you filled the gas tank on the way TO the casino, go stand in a really long line and wait for the casino employees to process your club card to claim your free pie. They will walk across the casino to the actual machine that works because the one they have set up at the temporary pie distribution center is on the blink and they have to do everything manually and they don’t get it working again until you get to the front of the line and you’ve already handed your card to the runner so now everyone behind you is getting their card processed and walking away with free pies with lightning speed.
BONUS HINT: Get four pies. Why? Because you are a greedy pig and even though there is only two of you in your whole house you figure you deserve these pies after all the time you spent waiting in line. I mean, there are two of you standing in line and they already said there’s a limit of two pies per person. A minute ago, you would have been happy walking out with just one pie, but now that you’ve read on some sign that there is a limit of two pies per person, you want your maximum entitlement.
Also? These pies aren’t that free. You’ve been spending your allowance getting robbed by a machine that goes by the name of Hot Shot Super Progressive Lucky Dollar Slammarama. Do you want one eighty-dollar pie? Or do you want four twenty-dollar pies? OK, then.
When you get home, immediately cram, stuff and shove the pies into your already-packed freezer that you didn’t think of when your greedy ass back at the casino just HAD to have four pies.
Step 2
When for the next couple of weeks, you really aren’t ever in the mood for a pumpkin pie, but your freezer is bloated with pies and you’d probably better eat them before they get that crystally icy freezer burn so you’re really now having to eat this pie when you don’t really want it, but you HAD to have it so by golly you’re going to eat it, pull one of these pies out of your freezer and pull the wrapper off.
Place pie on a baking sheet. Now pay close attention. This next part is the absolute most complex and tricky part of this recipe. It is vitally important that it look exactly like this…
…otherwise, you’ll screw the whole thing up. Again, don’t put put the pan on top of the pie; put the pie on top of the pan. Double check your work against the above photo if you’re not sure.
Step 3
Throw in the oven at 375 degrees for 60 minutes. This is what your digital display should look like after the pie has been in the oven for about five seconds:
After that you just pull out the pie, let it cool for thirty minutes and enjoy.
With Cool Whip, of course.
I don’t know if you knew Brittany Murphy, but I did for about five minutes. Here we are at the Hollywood wrap party for the movie, Just Married in April, 2002. I’m the one with the polka dots.
