Ten Hidden Extra Features for the Amazon Kindle

Perhaps you're wondering what to get that special loved one for Christmas. The one who annoys you all year, but then decides to play nice just before the holidays because you're such an awesome gifter. Have you considered an Amazon Kindle? It's not just for reading, you know.

Remember in July when I showed you my accidental discovery of its use as a food tray/remote control device? I mean, before I understood that my birthday present had a default purpose of (scoff!) reading?

My birthday present

Well, since then I've found that the Kindle is so much more!

And don't worry about your sandwich crumbs making a mess on your Kindle. It's very easy to clean.

Since its screensaver has a rotating series of portraits of famous literary figures, I glued it to a picture frame and displayed it in our living room to show off to all our guests.

But I haven't even BEGUN to show you all of Kindle's functions. It's a shoe stretcher.

It's a change and key tray.

Banana Republic employees will appreciate its unique ability to deliver folded clothing in under 30 seconds with its patented Whispersync technology.

And that's not all. It's also a door stopper...

The Kindle is great for traveling because you can use it as a writing desk to write out your post cards and letters. I find it extremely handy for filling out forms that require three or four carbon copies.

You can really dress up a bathroom with the decorative Kindle Toilet Lid Cover feature.

Have I mentioned how the Kindle promotes a healthier diet?

I call this the Nanny Goats Nina Pinta Banana Maria Kindle smoothie. It's yummy and chock full of fiber!

Sometimes Lacy, the NGIP mascot, sneaks off with it and uses it for more mundane activities like reading books and subscribing to her favorite magazines and blogs (such as Nanny Goats in Panties). Here, you can see Lacy reading fellow humor blogger Robert Kroese's latest novel, Mercury Falls.

Lacy has no imagination and can't think outside the box and I tell her this, but she just shakes her stuffed head at me and sings to me as if for the 100th time the various praises about the Kindle. Like how you can subscribe to this very blog, Nanny Goats in Panties on it. Or, how you can get a 14 day free trial on all newspapers, magazines, and blogs, like this one, for example. Or how you can look at the beginning of books for free before you buy them.

I don't really care for her tone as she goes on and on about how people living outside the US can now get the Kindle, or how she can change the text-size to instantly create a large print book. Or how much money (and trees, and gas, and shipping costs, and time, and...etc.) she saves. She just bought Mackenzie Phillips' new autobiography High on Arrival today for $8.10 on the Kindle. (Speaking of which, they'll give anybody a credit card these days, won't they?)

Actually, one of my favorite features, is that the battery lasts for weeks. Did I stutter? You heard me. Weeks!

A friend of mine visiting Australia and New Zealand recently bemoaned the fact that his wife paid $24 for a paperback (TWENTY-FOUR DOLLARS FOR A PAPERBACK!!! WTF?). If she'd had a Kindle with the 3G wireless network that now works internationally in 100 countries, she could have simply zapped another book down into that bad boy and voila! - be reading again. Needless to say, he bought her one for this Christmas.

And if you ask Santa for one this year, maybe you too, could be a part of this picture:

Oh, did I mention that NGIP is available on Kindle?

I did?

Oh.

Well, did I also tell you that if you don't subscribe to NGIP via Kindle, you could still leave a customer review telling others how faboo you think NGIP is?

I did?

Well, did I tell you that at press time, the Nanny Goats in Panties blog has an Amazon sales rank of 6,529 in the Kindle store and a rank of 13 in the Humor and Satire category?

Whaddya mean, "What does that mean?" I can't believe you just asked me that.

OK, I don't know what it means, exactly.

But if I might make one last attempt at shameless self-promotion, I have been interviewed for the famous Sunday Roast over at Clouds and Silvery Linings by the incomparable Eddie Bluelights.

Take it away, Eddie!

If Solvang Isn't Dutch, Then What Is It?

Last Friday I ignorantly wrote the following on my Facebook status...

...because somewhere in my online traipsing for maps of Solvang, CA, I read that it's a Dutch village.

Well, it's not. And what kind of journalist would I be if I let the mistake stand without correction? I have a dubious blogging responsibility to check my facts and report them to you, dear reader.

But here's the problem. I get so confused when it comes to distinguishing more than one country when referring to Denmark and The Netherlands and Holland. And if they speak Dutch in Holland, then what language do they speak in Denmark? And which one is in Scandinavia? And which one has windmills? And the wooden shoes?

And how could I be so confused when I'd actually BEEN to one of these countries (whichever one has Amsterdam in it)?

Solvang (circa 2009)

So after learning that Solvang is a Danish village which refers to Danish people who are from Denmark and only Denmark, a country that has Danes in it, I find that you can still be easily confused, because I thought Holland was a country known for its windmills and wooden shoes. But no, Solvang would have you believe that they are the symbol of the Danes as well:

And spotting The Belgian Cafe only complicates matters.

I mean, aren't Belgians from Belgia, or Bulgaria or somewhere?

And aren't trolleys from America? Specifically, San Francisco?

And when you see a sign for "Dogtoberfest" in a Solvang store front window, do you think "Danish Pointer"? Or "German Shepherd"?

Excuse me, but is that lederhosen?

Of course, nothing screams Danish culture like memorializing Michael Jackson's death and his virtually-foreclosed Peter Pan property, which I will grant is located within 150 miles of Solvang.

So, in summary and conclusion, I ask you: what is Danish? I'll tell you what it is. It's this bad boy from the Solvang Bakery...

 

And now if you'll excuse me, I've got some blood sugar to raise.






Some of you may recall that I wrote some content for a video game that was released in August called Coconut Queen. Gamezebo interviewed the game's creators who also mentioned me in the article which you can read on the Gamezebo website in this Behind The Scenes Interview.







From the Aww-You-Shouldn't-Have Department:
Some of you insist on upsetting the balance by one-upping me in the gift arena. I sent Paula (who writes a blog called How to be a Cat Lady Without all the Cats) a pen or two and she hurls THIS T-shirt back at me:

click to enlarge

Thank you, Paula! It is so goaty and bizarre and I love it! This shirt comes from the Bully Hill Winery in Hammondsport, New York, where even their mailing labels are crazy!

Also? I would like to thank Plain ol' Bob over at plainolebob answers for awarding me with his very own super customized Hot Dawg Blogger award. Thanks, Bob!

Wanna Flick My Bic? I Got a Million of 'Em

I sprung up from the chair and bounced to the door barking like crazy, nearly peeing on the tile entryway when the FedEx gal rang my bell yesterday. I wanted to knock her down and lick her face when she asked me to sign for the package I was expecting.

Instead, I stoically thanked her, closed the door and burst into my office looking for the scissors. Boy, oh boy - they're here! They're here!

Wanna see?

There's just one thing...

They required a minimum order. You know, like drinks at a comedy club. Only I had to buy more than two pens.

I'm gonna be giving away goat pens until the cows come home.

In an effort to begin passing these out, the first 10 people to say "I want an NGIP pen" or something closely resembling it, I will happily send you one. Heck, I'll even send you two! No, seriously. That box? 300 pens.

I might also add that these are good pens, as in, pens that work. Not those crappy free pens that your insurance agent sends you with that useless calendar/refrigerator-magnet/bottle-opener/4-inch-ruler combo thingee. I knew I had ordered good pens. How? Because Stimey over at Stimeyland gave me one of hers at the BlogHer conference a few weeks ago and I begged her to tell me where she got hers.

So that's how I knew.

Anyway, you first 10 people showing the slightest interest in an NGIP pen, just make sure you leave your email address in that first part of the comment form (which is invisible to everyone but me) and we'll coordinate shipping. If I normally see you in real life, you don't need to say you want one because I will be giving you one (or twelve) the next time I see you whether you want one (or twelve) or not because: 1) 300 pens, and 2) That's a lot of pens.



{UPDATE: Due to popular demand, corporate has just authorized me to send out a pen to anybody that wants one, so in the words of Oprah...."EVERYBODY GETS A PEN!!!! EVERYBODY GETS A PEN!!!!" }






I would like to thank Kathcom over at Magick Sandwich for not giving me an award. No, really. She totally passed me over and I could just kiss her.

I Have This Pain on My Right Side

Have you ever walked into a room full of sullen face people and said "Hey! Who died?" and then wished you didn't? Because someone did? Or perhaps you've found other ways to put your foot in your mouth. Perhaps you weren't aware that your friend Trixie is still sensitive about her sons's sex change operation only to have you go on and on about the removal of your cat's genitals each and every time you see Trixie and Good Lord, what is WRONG with you?

Well, at least you can feel secure in the knowledge that Google's email program (called "gmail") has addressed such sensitivities. You know those sidebar ads - excuse me, "Sponsored Links" that pop up with allegedly related content?

Like when your Uncle Hogbert wants to know which goats you hired the other day for some light housekeeping:





See those "Sponsored Links" on the right-hand side? There's some genius algorithm that searches the content of your email in the hopes of serving relevant ads to you.

However, in the event you receive some sensitive, potentially catastrophic news via email, Google has seen fit to shut the hell up and let you sit in your sensitive space undisturbed...





See how there are no ads? That's because they are being SENSITIVE to the feelings you might have during this trying time.

Now, I don't want to get nit-picky or anything, but sometimes Google is socially clueless and their email bots - excuse me, "automated filters" can't sense when danger is afoot, and they continue to bombard you with ads.





And other times, when you're feeling really really really uncomfortable, Google can't seem to read between the lines:





That's because they block ads according to a specific list of key words, like SUICIDE or DEATH, regardless of how a specific email might make you feel. For example you might not necessarily be getting bad news:





and yet, they feel it would be appropriate to block ads in this instance because of the use of the word CRASH. Nevermind the fact that the word CRASH was also in the previous email. You know, the really really really uncomfortable one.

Also? Google overreacts to this one as well:





I'm assuming Google must have responded to outcries from all the people who felt offended by ads popping up as they notified others via email that someone had tragically died. Those same people who don't give a crap about you and can't be bothered to make a personal phone call. THOSE people are outraged that Google was insensitive.

So what good is this information to you? Well, I'm glad you asked because I was just about to address this very topic, but wait, watch this:





You see what I did there? Look ma, no ads!

That's right. All you have to do is figure out what key words will automatically filter out the ads and be sure to include at least one in your email.

I conclude with a wonderful sample email to send to loved ones, particularly the elderly who are still trying to adjust to this new-fangled technology. The last thing you want is for Grandma to be so overwhelmed with advertisments that it gets in the way of the actual message you're trying to send her and then that's all she can think about the rest of the week.

Just try and be thoughtful for once in your life and slip in a keyword to all your friends and family the next time you want to tell them you love them.





See? Now, wasn't that nice?

For those of you who haven't heard, I was interviewed by Powder Room Graffiti, and they got all up in my grill, digging for personal stuff. You can read the sordid details here. Feel free to vote it up or comment at the end. It will fool them into thinking I'm really popular.







Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one about the Goat Renter Guy? I hadn't until Jay from Sassmo's Blog showed it to me.



If video above doesn't work, try THIS LINK.

How Do You Let Go of Your Children?

I cared for her. I fed her. I cleaned her little bottom. Okay, I paid people to clean her little bottom. But one heartbreaking day several weeks ago, I had to give her up for adoption. I'm talking, of course, about my baby, little Jade Mica. Here she is at Carmax, the adoption agency:

Notice the sparkle in her eye. That's because she doesn't know we're leaving her there.

Some of you may have seen this very picture on my Facebook page. I was mourning my loss and had to tell someone. Someone who really really knew me and would understand. So I shared my feelings of loss with 500 of my closest friends.

I was inconsolable. Ask my husband. Little Jade Mica was a part of my life for nine years. But once I moved everything out of L.A. and into Sacramento, no longer living in two cities, there was no point in having two children any more.

Depression took me over, embraced me in its eternal grip, and handed me reams of Kleenex.

After about four or five weeks of this, my husband climbed up to my Tower of Despair and tentatively asked if we could stop fasting. At first I couldn't believe his gall. How could he think of food at a time like this? But then my stomach growled and I too became famished. Come to think of it, I was starving!

Excitedly, we decided to try a new restaurant. Well, new to us, the restaurant has actually been around for nearly 100 years. After lunch, we walked into the warm sunshine rubbing our bellies feeling satisfied and content. My husband looked across the street and stopped short.

"What's that?" he asked. "Is that little Jade Mica?"

My head jerked up to follow his pointing finger. We began to walk toward it's sleeping form. As long as I had little Jade Mica, we had never seen another one in the same color. Could it be? It had to be...

It was! I pulled out my phone and took a picture:

My heart filled with joy. She looked healthy and happy. I was so glad to know she had already gone to a good home - you know how everyone only wants to adopt infants.

Carmax is about 20-25 miles from my house, in Roseville, which is not even in Sacramento. Sacramento is a pretty large city (don't we have like over a million people or something?). When we saw it the other day after lunch, it was about 2-3 miles from our house. So maybe, if I wait long enough....








OMG, OMG, OMG it's almost here! There's a new video game coming to town from iWin.com on August 20. It's called Coconut Queen and I'll be credited as writer - woo hoo!





And no, I didn't write the code, you silly, I created characters and story and words and voices.





You can check out the game's website at www.coconutqueengame.com , see some screen shots, watch a little video of the game, and download wallpaper and ringtones. And then you can sit and wait a few days with the rest of us! I'll be the one in the corner looking like I'm doing the pee-pee dance.

Graphics courtesy of iWin.com.

Did you know there's a goat in Disneyland?

as seen on Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

It's amongst the 547,920 things you see in the It's a Small World ride. Thanks to Mikki of the Here's What Let's Do blog for telling us about it.




I'd like to thank Collette at My Babcia's Babushka for this little number, uh...whatever it is. A baseball holding open a book on a piano? I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I'm honored regardless.



I would also like to thank the Cincinnati Women Bloggers for teaching this HTML idiot how to stick one of these things on my blog for my many thousands of rabid fans who must have an NGIP badge of their own:


<a href="http://www.nannygoatsinpanties.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Nanny Goat in Panties" src="http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z159/manjoufna/NGIP%20Badges/NGIPbadgepantiedgoat125x125.jpg"/></a>