I Have This Pain on My Right Side

Have you ever walked into a room full of sullen face people and said "Hey! Who died?" and then wished you didn't? Because someone did? Or perhaps you've found other ways to put your foot in your mouth. Perhaps you weren't aware that your friend Trixie is still sensitive about her sons's sex change operation only to have you go on and on about the removal of your cat's genitals each and every time you see Trixie and Good Lord, what is WRONG with you?

Well, at least you can feel secure in the knowledge that Google's email program (called "gmail") has addressed such sensitivities. You know those sidebar ads - excuse me, "Sponsored Links" that pop up with allegedly related content?

Like when your Uncle Hogbert wants to know which goats you hired the other day for some light housekeeping:





See those "Sponsored Links" on the right-hand side? There's some genius algorithm that searches the content of your email in the hopes of serving relevant ads to you.

However, in the event you receive some sensitive, potentially catastrophic news via email, Google has seen fit to shut the hell up and let you sit in your sensitive space undisturbed...





See how there are no ads? That's because they are being SENSITIVE to the feelings you might have during this trying time.

Now, I don't want to get nit-picky or anything, but sometimes Google is socially clueless and their email bots - excuse me, "automated filters" can't sense when danger is afoot, and they continue to bombard you with ads.





And other times, when you're feeling really really really uncomfortable, Google can't seem to read between the lines:





That's because they block ads according to a specific list of key words, like SUICIDE or DEATH, regardless of how a specific email might make you feel. For example you might not necessarily be getting bad news:





and yet, they feel it would be appropriate to block ads in this instance because of the use of the word CRASH. Nevermind the fact that the word CRASH was also in the previous email. You know, the really really really uncomfortable one.

Also? Google overreacts to this one as well:





I'm assuming Google must have responded to outcries from all the people who felt offended by ads popping up as they notified others via email that someone had tragically died. Those same people who don't give a crap about you and can't be bothered to make a personal phone call. THOSE people are outraged that Google was insensitive.

So what good is this information to you? Well, I'm glad you asked because I was just about to address this very topic, but wait, watch this:





You see what I did there? Look ma, no ads!

That's right. All you have to do is figure out what key words will automatically filter out the ads and be sure to include at least one in your email.

I conclude with a wonderful sample email to send to loved ones, particularly the elderly who are still trying to adjust to this new-fangled technology. The last thing you want is for Grandma to be so overwhelmed with advertisments that it gets in the way of the actual message you're trying to send her and then that's all she can think about the rest of the week.

Just try and be thoughtful for once in your life and slip in a keyword to all your friends and family the next time you want to tell them you love them.





See? Now, wasn't that nice?

For those of you who haven't heard, I was interviewed by Powder Room Graffiti, and they got all up in my grill, digging for personal stuff. You can read the sordid details here. Feel free to vote it up or comment at the end. It will fool them into thinking I'm really popular.







Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one about the Goat Renter Guy? I hadn't until Jay from Sassmo's Blog showed it to me.



If video above doesn't work, try THIS LINK.

How To Create Your Twitter Handle in Two Easy Steps

So this spammer  person on Twitter with the very legitimate sounding name of Fulton604 started following me. Like a trenchcoat-wearing dark alley hoodlum who says, "Psst! Hey, buddy" kind of following me. Fulton604 is following 1,299 people, but only has 67 followers. I wonder what that means.

Actually, it makes me want to change my name to Plexus437. It sounds so cool. Like an alien space ship / area code mashup. Or, HEY - I know. This will be a new thing like How To Create Your Twitter Handle in Two Easy Steps:

1. Take the make or model of your first car.
2. Guess how many Jelly Bellies are in this Elvis portrait:

Put the two together and you've got your next Twitter handle! Mine would be Datsun18. No wait! Datsun19.

Fulton604's last tweet wants to know if I'm an older guy looking for a hot girl to take out and treat me right.

Why, yes. Yes I am. How did you know? Was it my masculine first name that made you think I was male? Was it all my twitter messages about adult diapers and cryogenic head preserving that clued you in to the fact that I'm "older"? And who isn't looking for a hot girl? You are SO smart. You're my hero, Fulton604. I wish I was just. like. you.

Then Fulton604 broke my heart. When I checked his Twitter page a couple days later, it was gone. GONE! I panicked. Where was I going to find "easyurl" hot girls now? I hyperventilated as I felt my new twitter buddy slip right out of my hands. I cried. I sobbed. I bawled.

Then I got this email:

 

Whew! I thought I'd lost him. And Velva? Yeah, that doesn't sound sexual or anything.

       Follow me on Twitter!

Goat Thing of The Day

 

(seen at the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui)

You're Twittering Me from WHERE?

So this morning I see Lori (aka 'nelsoneroni') from Parking Lot Mamas on Twitter (a web tool that allows you to instantly send messages - tweets - to your social network) and she tells us she is in the dentist chair waiting for her novocaine.

We've come a long way from hunting and gathering dinosaurs when we can talk to 147 people (or however many "followers" we have on Twitter) on our phone while we sit in a chair in anticipation of getting stabbed with numbing needles.

Of course, being the smart ass that I am, I couldn't resist responding:



I mean, can you imagine? You're legs are hoisted high in stirrups with the gynecologist in you up to his elbows and all you've got is a couple of paper sheets covering everything but your hoo-ha, and your phone.


@crazyperson: Thank GAWD Dr. has small hands. Cold, but small.

@crazyperson: Dr. is hawt. Am wondering if I shaved enough.

@crazyperson: Handsome, small-handed Dr. wants to know if I have any kids. RU kidding? Can't you tell? You're right there!

...and so on.

But anyway, that's not why I called this meeting. If you had read the agenda, you would have known that Item 1 on the agenda is "Crickets". Because that's what I got for my OB-GYN comment from the Parking Lot Mama.

So now I'm worried that I completely offended her. I mean if you read my comment without any humor, it could come across as very snide, or as a put down. I mean, who am I to get all snarky on a woman who, as far as I know, is nervous as hell because she's about to have her gums sliced open, or her teeth drilled or whatever. She could be very vulnerable and I go in there and poke at her and jibe, when she's just looking for tea and sympathy. Oh my God, that's it, isn't it? I'm a bad person.

That's the problem with written communication: people read something the wrong way and that's it. You are unfollowed: With this iPhone, from the gates of Hell (aka the dentist chair), I unfollow you. You suck. Don't you ever twitter a message to me, @crazyperson, again.

So do I make it up to her and go and comment on her last 3 month's posts? Is she really that upset with me? Did my tweet really go over like a lead balloon?

Or was it the gas in the dentist chair that rendered her unable to say anything. Or SEE anything! Maybe she didn't see my snide remark! Maybe she'll never see it. Maybe I totally got away with it and she's still following me and all is well.

Oh, but what if she comes here and sees what I wrote? Oh no! Now I'm a bad person again - GAHHHH!!!!! I can't win. Well, I mean, really, what are the odds that she'll even see this post? HA HA! I bet she can't even read! Oops! Who said that?

Well, I appreciate your attendance at this meeting. Any questions? ....  I said, Any questions?

Could you stop surfing on your phones for one second and tell me if you have any questions?

{SIGH} Meeting is adjourned.



* * *

Goat Link of The Day

This photo speaks for itself. Thanks to Heather from the Fergie Sims Family blog for showing me this pair of cuties!

Like It? Too Bad You Can't Have Any.

Thanks to a new thing called WiMax, if you live in Baltimore, MD, you can now surf the internet from your laptop while riding on your donkey. Well that's just great. Because are they going to be rolling this service out to Sacramento or Los Angeles any time soon? No.

So how does this news help us? It doesn't. We will continue to ride our donkeys without the benefit of such fancy schmancy internet service. We will be losing market share in an extremely competitive environment on our donkeys as we travel back and forth to business meetings, trying to land that merger deal with the picky client who only drinks skinny no-whip lattes, while stupid Baltimoreans have already sealed it while on their donkeys before they even get to the office.

Stupid Baltimoreans.

BaltiMORONS, I say.

Well, who needs it anyway! It's not like I wanted it. In fact, if we're not going to get it, I don't want to hear about it. I do not need this kind of information shoved in my face. What is this, grape juice? It's sour. Take it away.

"Hear ye, hear ye! We are making hot fudge sundaes for everyone! It's all-you-can-eat sundaes day and night. We're open 24 hours. It's so convenient. It's so yummy. Come and get it!

Except you."

Well, they can kiss my lily white frackenweiler. I'm not interested. And you know why? Because it costs like $35 per month for the service. Now, if you are already paying monthly fees for interent service for, say, two different homes AND your phone, why would you pay again? Besides, that's what FREE Wifi is for.

Also? I can get free mobile WiFi anytime I want. I just have to ride the LAX Flyaway shuttle all day. Here's me and my laptop while cruising down Sepulveda Boulevard coming back from the airport:





At four bucks a ride, it's faster than the bus, about forty bucks cheaper than a taxi and you get free internet access - woo hoo!


* * *

PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!

The competition is getting fierce for Humor Blogger of the Year Award. This is a new round of voting. Voting is now by category. Nanny Goats in Panties is in the Personal Life category. If you voted for me before, it's time to cast a vote again. If you haven't voted for me before, please do it now. Just click on the button below and vote for Nanny Goats in Panties. No registration required. Just one click. Thank you so much for your support.


* * *

I am honored to receive the Kreative Blogger Award from Carrie at Oikology 101. And if you don't know what Oikology is, you have to go over and find out.

NYC: It's a Nice Place to Visit, But...

Did I mention I’m in New York this week? I did? Well, did I mention that I rented an apartment? They say you get what you pay for, but I’m getting even less than that. She said there was wireless internet access. Not even!

I bet if I’d asked about the view, she’d have claimed that I could see for miles and miles, because check out my view from the kitchen:

The view of a penthouse, right?

Did I mention that the water pressure coming out of the shower is less than that coming out of the sink faucet?

Look, I realize I’m a big baby when it comes to internet access and I spent all day yesterday trying to find a free wifi café because dammit, my blog’s diapers needed changing, but do they have to serve it up like I’m two years old?

And what’s up with the phallic plastic ware?

How To Mercilessly Taunt Those Who Raise The Dead

Nanny Goats in Panties feels the awesome weight of our duty to entertain the millions of you who stub their toe and tumble down the Internet hill, landing on the dotcom that is NGIP, Jack, with Jill right behind you! You people are relentless, coming here day after day after day.

To you anal-retentive and argumentative types who wish to point out that our traffic counter merely reads 18,000 or so, we submit that we are using an archaic blogging widget that, like a 1982 Honda odometer, has rolled over several times. Whenever that meter hits a million readers, it starts over at zero again. So really, NGIP has had like, one gazillion, forty-seven million, eighteen thousand some-odd readers as of today. 

May we say we love what you're wearing and where did you get that cravat? Your repeated bleats to Nanny Goats have been heard and your wish is our command. We can't tell you how many requests we've received for more of our incredibly tantalizing, internetty tips. And the reason people keep coming back again and again to our humble site? NGIP isn't just a blog of excruciatingly helpful hints, nor is it a vessel of humor...

It is an Internet Experience.

Oh sure, you can read all those other blogs. You might have a laugh or pick up a handy new recipe for chocolate enchilada surprise. But after digesting a blog entry at NGIP, you walk away with a satisfied sense of having lived life: a true Internet Experience. That is what we strive for and by God, that is what you will have.

Also, as an NGIP reader, you get exclusive information that will set you apart from the average blog hopper. You belong to a group whose superiority is exacerbated by what you learn here. We can make you feel inappropriately better about yourself in five minutes or less. In fact, we should get right to today's superiority complex Tip #47.

NGIP Superiority Complex Tip #47:

We want you to feel comfortable insulting others on the internet. You should be able to throw down barbs with confidence and panache. Let's say you're interloping through a message forum about the Stone Tablet industry, a built-in easy target, right? I mean, who better to make fun of than Draconian internet users who can't let go of the old ways. Stone tablets, indeed. They probably don't even know the difference between a USB port and a hole in the ground, am I right? Idiots.

Now, let's say you find a thread that started several years ago, something called "Help! Has anyone out there built a Colosseum?"  Go in there, and sure enough, some Neanderthal newbie (username: icankount_123) has ressurrected a thread that ended years ago and has been taking up cyberspace ever since. This is a fantastic opportunity to try out a new phrase you're just about to learn from NGIP. It's called "Necro Post" and icankount_123 has just committed this  egregious act that must not go unpunished. Say something simple, forceful and be sure to use your new phrase:

"Nice necro post, moron! No one has posted in this thread since 200 B.C. ...UNTIL NOW!!!!"

Now wouldn't that make you feel just a little bit superior? I know it would me.

NGIP has also noticed your vociferous requests for more FREE stuff. Well, we can certainly understand in today's economy that all you cheapskates out there need more excuses to act like a Scrooge. And we're here to help!

TwentyFourAtHeart is giving away FREE stuff like there's no tomorrow! In fact, right now (until Friday at 8pm EST), you can win a $50 American Express Card. So get on over there and sign yourself up! And while you're there? Congratulate her on her 100th post!

NGIP came across a virtual ad for The Swiffer at Orion Unleashed the other day - virtual being the functional word there. Visit Orion today and see if you agree with his assessment of this "revolutionary" domestic tool... tool being the functional word there. Also, NGIP thanks Orion Unleashed for adding Nanny Goats to his blog roll. Thanks Orion!

HumorBloggers.com launches today and NGIP is lucky to be a part of it. 49 other bloggers are also featured on this site. Go and have a look!

Sacramento Humor Blog, Humor Writing, Best Humor, Did I Also Mention the Humor?

This is a humor blog. If you got here via a search tool, please click HERE or on the HOME button above to see the latest content.

This particular post is a test of the Emergency Blogcasting System. This is only a test. Please move on. There is nothing to see here. There is, however, something to see HERE.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain fiddling with the fonts below...

Sacramento Humor Blog
Sacramento Humor Blogs
Sacramento Writing
Margaret Andrews