Why I Never Comment On Your Blog: (A Disqus Primer)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled hilarity to bring you the latest in How-To bloggery.

Do you comment on other people's blogs that use Disqus, only to have them never return your calls? Do you know why this is? It is because you have failed to list your blog's URL. BUT!... You can increase your chances of my returning your comments by making sure your URL appears in the comment section. And I'm here to tell you just how to do that. Please help me find your blog easier by providing that simple link.

How To Verify Your Blog URL is in Your Disqus Profile - The Short Version

If you are just leaving a comment as a "Guest" with no registered Disqus profile, and you want your URL to appear in your comment (so that I can visit your blog), make sure to fill out the "Website (optional)" portion of the comment form.

If you do have a Disqus Profile, go to it by clicking on your username after leaving a comment here. Click on My Settings, then click on Public Info. Add your blog URL to the section entitled: "Website".

Too fast for ya? Here's the Long Drawn out-version:

How To Verify Your Blog URL is in Your Disqus Profile - The Detailed Version

If you are not registered with Disqus
If you are just leaving a comment as a "Guest" with no Disqus profile, and you want your URL to appear in your comment, make sure to fill out the "Website (optional)" portion of the comment form.

Make sure it's in the format:  http://www.yourblogname

I don't know what some of you guys are doing, but somehow the blog URL that pops up when I click on your name becomes "http://nannygoatsinpanties.com//yourblogname.com" or some such crazy thing.


If you are registered with Disqus
Then Disqus either already recognizes you or it doesn't. If it doesn't, you will get the form shown above where you can login by clicking on the Disqus icon and logging in.

If you get the following screen, then Disqus already knows who you are -- because my blog is psychic.

To verify that Disqus knows your website's URL, go to your Disqus Profile by clicking on your username which should be located where I've circled my own in the picture above.

This will bring you to your profile page which will look something like this:

Perhaps you can already surmise that your next step will be to click on My Settings because of the big fat red circle around it above.

After that you will click on Public Info, which is circled in red below. This will bring up your public information page and you will enter your Website's URL, which is circled in blue below.

Be sure to click "SAVE CHANGES". And from now on, your username on all of your Disqus comments, no matter whose blog it is, will link directly to your website - Yay! I can't guarantee I will be able to return your comments every time, but at least now it will be my bad instead of yours.

Also? This change should propagate throughout all Disqus comments you've made in the past.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled hilarity.

How To Put a Puzzle Together (A Step by Step Guide)

1. Visit a friend who is in the middle of putting a puzzle together. Notice how much you enjoy helping him with it.

2. Receive a puzzle from said friend as an ostensible gift. (WARNING: If friend is giving you a puzzle that he has not yet put together himself first, ask yourself why.)

3. Have the epiphany after you get home that this puzzle isn't exactly what you would refer to as "pattern diverse".

4. Question how much your friend actually likes you and why you always seem to be the object of his "generosity" (e.g., opaque holiday wrapping paper, 800 baud modem, ten-year-old calendar, in-the-shower CD player, "gently used" toothbrushes, dowsing rods, all things sold at Sharper Image, etc).

5. With a looming sense of dread, open the box and dump out one thousand pieces onto a table that now sits in the middle of your living room.

6. Begin flipping over all the pieces so that the color side is up. If you're unsure which side is the picture side, I cannot help you. This very advanced instruction set assumes you already have a working knowledge of which side of the puzzle piece contains the image. If not, you may wish to consult the primer to this piece entitled "The Dimwit's Guide to Determining Rough Gray Sides of Puzzle Pieces From the Smooth Colored Sides and That Walking and Chewing Gum Thing".  Anyway, be sure to pull out any side pieces you come across as you monotonously flip all the pieces to color side up.

7. Spend an inordinate amount of time agonizing over whether or not these are side pieces:

Hint: Only one of these is an actual side piece.

8. Vascillate between using the puzzle to find pieces or using the pieces to find where it fits in the puzzle. Study the puzzle. Be the puzzle.

ommmmmmmmmm......

9. Call for pizza as you will have no time to shower or cook your own meals once your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder kicks in and you will not rest until this frickin' thing is done.

10. Realize that you have a problem and that you probably shouldn't be doing puzzles because you find it impossible to step away even though your back hurts from leaning over the table for two solid days only stopping long enough to pee.

11. Bark at your significant other when he snaps in a piece that you've been looking for for the last half hour. And have a cow when you finally find the pieces that have been dogging you forever.

12. Throttle your significant other when he signals a touchdown and says "Ta Da!" after each and every piece he successfully fits in because Hello -- one thousand pieces.

13. After the 500th "Ta Da!", curse Dr. Bartholomew Jigsaw (or whoever invented it) and the day he was born. Vow to never participate in such a soul-sucking endeavor again.

14. Crawl into bed with a dizzying weariness and dream of monster crayons chasing you down dark alleys with paint guns blasting you down into a technicolor puddle of death.

15. Get up the next morning, stare at your completed masterpiece and fret over how long you should keep it together before ripping it apart, destroying what you worked so tirelessly and ceaselessly on for so many hours and for what, to tear it apart?

16. Get depressed.

17. Get out of town for awhile. Take the train to Berkeley for a change of pace and celebrate your friend's birthday. Walk around and shop on Shattuck Avenue, realizing for the first time in a while how important spending time with friends is. It's really what makes life worth living. Vow that you will make more time for your friends because they are so near and dear to your heart.

18. Come home with this:

I don't know if you heard me screaming about it the other day, but the Kindle Blog Report gave Nanny Goats in Panties a big fat YES recommendation for the Kindle. Yay!

You too can subscribe to NGIP on your Kindle.

And a THANK YOU to Marg at Marg's Animals for bestowing NGIP with the Beautiful Blogger award.

Pumpkin Pie in 3 Easy Steps. And Brittany Murphy, Sort of.

Did someone say pie? Man, I love pie. If eating more than one piece of it on Christmas Day didn't make me sick, swearing to God "I'll never eat any more pie just please make the Grim Dizzy Icky Vomit Reaper go away", then I'd eat the whole freaking thing. And none of that bland Reddy-Whip crap. Bring on the plastic no-food-value-whatsoever Cool Whip, yo. 

Yes, it's that time of year. And where better than Nanny Goats in Panties will you find an easier pumpkin pie recipe? Are you ready? Here we go:

Step 1
First, go to Thunder Valley Casino on a night they are giving away free pies. If you get as much crap from them in the mail as I do, you will find out readily enough when that occurs. All you have to do is spend an inordinate amount of money on the slot machines. Then, when you're out of money and thanking God you filled the gas tank on the way TO the casino, go stand in a really long line and wait for the casino employees to process your club card to claim your free pie. They will walk across the casino to the actual machine that works because the one they have set up at the temporary pie distribution center is on the blink and they have to do everything manually and they don't get it working again until you get to the front of the line and you've already handed your card to the runner so now everyone behind you is getting their card processed and walking away with free pies with lightning speed.

BONUS HINT:  Get four pies. Why? Because you are a greedy pig and even though there is only two of you in your whole house you figure you deserve these pies after all the time you spent waiting in line. I mean, there are two of you standing in line and they already said there's a limit of two pies per person. A minute ago, you would have been happy walking out with just one pie, but now that you've read on some sign that there is a limit of two pies per person, you want your maximum entitlement.

Also? These pies aren't that free. You've been spending your allowance getting robbed by a machine that goes by the name of Hot Shot Super Progressive Lucky Dollar Slammarama. Do you want one eighty-dollar pie? Or do you want four twenty-dollar pies? OK, then.

When you get home, immediately cram, stuff and shove the pies into your already-packed freezer that you didn't think of when your greedy ass back at the casino just HAD to have four pies.

Step 2
When for the next couple of weeks, you really aren't ever in the mood for a pumpkin pie, but your freezer is bloated with pies and you'd probably better eat them before they get that crystally icy freezer burn so you're really now having to eat this pie when you don't really want it, but you HAD to have it so by golly you're going to eat it, pull one of these pies out of your freezer and pull the wrapper off.

Place pie on a baking sheet. Now pay close attention. This next part is the absolute most complex and tricky part of this recipe. It is vitally important that it look exactly like this...

...otherwise, you'll screw the whole thing up. Again, don't put put the pan on top of the pie; put the pie on top of the pan. Double check your work against the above photo if you're not sure.

Step 3
Throw in the oven at 375 degrees for 60 minutes. This is what your digital display should look like after the pie has been in the oven for about five seconds: 

After that you just pull out the pie, let it cool for thirty minutes and enjoy.

With Cool Whip, of course.






RIP - Brittany Murphy

I don't know if you knew Brittany Murphy, but I did for about five minutes. Here we are at the Hollywood wrap party for the movie, Just Married   in April, 2002. I'm the one with the polka dots.

 

Have you started your New Year's Resolution list yet?  Me neither.


But I'll have mine up on Monday, December 28 and you can come over and add yours to the Linky widget that day so I (and everyone else at the party) can read yours! Invite your friends and neighbors - the more the merrier. We can share all week long during the This Time I Really Mean It! campaign.

For more information, or to grab a button to tell your friends about it, go to the Details of "This Time I Really Mean It!" campaign for 2010.

How Disco Can Save Your Life

So this man-eating squirrel attacked me while I was rooting around in his nut stash (whatever THAT means) the other day. He came at me squealing like a banshee and by merely trying to defend myself, I accidentally smashed him over the head with my Pillowcase O' Pennies. As hard as I could.

Then I felt horribly guilty about it and decided that since he was only trying to protect what was rightfully his, I should try to resuscitate him. That's when I remembered a little something called CPR.

I put my ear to his chest and couldn't detect a heartbeat. Or breathing. He wasn't breathing either. So I pinched his nose - at least I think it was his nose - and blew into his mouth. His little chest puffed up and air squeaked out of his little mouth.

I put two fingers together from each hand and began pressing down on his little chest. Which brings me to the real reason I brought you here today.

Did you know that when you are performing CPR on a person, it needs to be within a range of a certain number of beats per minute? Like 100 beats per minute? Right about now you're probably asking, "How on God's green earth am I going to be able to know what 100 beats per minute is?"

Funny you should ask. Because I recently learned EXACTLY how.

Apparently, the typical human being can automatically remember a song at the correct original tempo, even if he can't carry a tune. So all you have to do is sing a song while your pushing rhythmically down on someone's chest.

And what song can you sing that is exactly 100 beats per minute while you're frantically trying to save the life of a person, be he man or squirrel?

Staying Alive. By The Bee Gees. No I'm not kidding. Ask any EMT (e.g. the lady behind Dispatches from the Outpost):

♫♫♫Well you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born...♫♫♫

Of course, if you have an aversion to the The Bee Gees, or in the case of a stupid man-eating squirrel whose life you'd just as soon care less about except that now the neighbors have come out to see what all the squealing was about and now you have to feign heroism for the crowd that has gathered - the bleeding heart squirrel lovers...well, you have an alternative song to sing.

Another One Bites The Dust. By Queen. Again - not kidding:

♫♫♫Well, another one's gone and another one's gone.
Another one bites the dust.
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust...♫♫♫

And while mourners set up a shrine of flowers and streamers and memory books on your front lawn, they will claim that at least you tried. They will not know that it was pointless restarting his heart because of his brain dislocation from the Pillowcase O' Pennies. They will say that there was nothing you could do.

And then you can go sneak back later and raid his nut stash.







I want to thank Joanna of The Fifty Factor for helping spread the gospel that is Coconut Queen. She put a badge in her sidebar and everything! She's currently in the middle of a nail-biting saga about her husband. That she may have married twice, I don't know, because she's only released the 2nd of 3 chapters so far and I'm on the edge of my seat!!!!


(Coconut Queen graphic courtesy of iWin.com)

I would also like to thank Jo over at Diary of a Sad Housewife for the lovely and esteemed Splish Splash Award:

10 Alternative Uses for Shelf Liner

Earlier today, while I was licking chocolate pudding off the kitchen floor (don't judge me, you do gross stuff, too) I happened to catch a peek at both my dining room chairs and the cabinet floor under the kitchen sink.





Holy peaches and blueberries! They have the same pattern. Why hadn't I noticed that before?

Have you ever bought way too much shelf liner, or halfway through your WhatWereYouThinking project of lining each and every shelf in the kitchen and bathroom, you just sort of lost interest, vowing to come back later and finish it, but never get around to it? And then 7 years later, you find the leftover shelf liner in the closet, but you don't have the heart (or the ethics) to throw it away?

Does your shelf have too much shelf liner?

Well, it's a good thing you came by Nanny Goats In Panties today, because for you, I channeled my inner Martha Stewart and will now demonstrate ten creative alternative uses for that roll of floral or plaid source of inner nagging.

1. Spruce up your ugly, outdated counter top with this handy water jug cozy.

2. Spruce up your ugly, outdated floor tile with this trash receptacle decorative wrap.

3. Give your vacuum cleaner that much-needed pizazz to compete with the noisy motor that sends the kitties (and the silverfish) scattering.

4. Tuck away those inappropriate videos behind this artful coverpiece. For extra wholesome kudos, place a bible on the top to keep that cover from accidentally slipping off when Father Murphy comes round for tea. 

5. Nothing says, "Come on in and sit for a spell" more than this adorable toilet seat lid cover.

6.  For a festive look, have your maid include this fruity TP roll touch-up during her daily rounds. Keep extras in the bathroom drawer in case Uncle Charlie who is famous for helping himself to the decorative bath soaps stops by.

7. You know how they have seat fillers for the Academy Awards so the theatre doesn't look empty while celebrities are back stage? Well, now you can use towel fillers while your launderess is busying herself with the washing machine.

8.   They say it's the window treatments that sell the house. Well my realtor says that, anyway.

9.  By now, you should be getting to the end of the roll. If you have some shelf liner left, and still can't bring yourself to throw those silly scraps away, try tying a fun little bow onto the toilet flush handle. This is great for the potty-in-training kiddies who can't reach that high.

10. Still have some left? Great! Take a couple of strips out on the town in your favorite dancing shoes! Don't be surprised if you are approached by many admirers asking you where you got that awesome footwear!

Anybody whose atrocious math resulted in overbuying shelf liner to the point that you still have it coming out of your ears, I have two words for you:  cigar bands.

You're welcome.

How To Win a Pissing Contest

I pee really fast.

I mean, it's not like I have prostate problems, standing there with my hand against the public restroom wall, waiting all day to dribble something that wouldn't fill a shot glass. I'm sure many of you are already chomping at the bit wondering what my secret is. Well, at Nanny Goats in Panties, we "aim" to please. Let me share with you some handy tips on how to git 'er done.

1. Semantics. First of all, don't urinate. You must pee. Urinating is long, slow, and debilitating. Pee is all of one syllable. Urinate sounds clinical and painful. Pee sounds light-hearted and fun!

2. It's all in the timing. Wait until the last possible minute before you go, when you're ready to bust a gut, when your eyes are singing Anchor's Away and your tongue is going in and out with the tide. Then, like a racehorse at the sounding bell, you tear out of that gate, crushing your opponents in the other stalls.

NOTE: Don't wait too long or inadvertently catch yourself with a full bladder while listening to the Click and Clack brothers on NPR, or you might have yourself an accident like poor Barefoot Foodie.

3. Wear proper clothing. Don't stuff yourself into anything complicated like tight-ass jeans, overalls, or girdles that connect to your bra over panty hose. Crotchless Spanx and no undies are highly recommended. Also, elastic waistband pants are a breeze to rip down.

4. Don't wash your hands. Everyone at the office will figure you out and never eat your Lemon Jello and Marshmallow Surprise, but that's okay, more for you, right? And besides, this is speed peeing we're talking about here. If you insist on washing your hands, wear something made of absorbable cotton so you can whisk your hands under the water and wipe them on the front of your shirt as you cross the finish line.

Any questions?