You know, I’ve done some drugs in my day. Not a lot, but some. Okay, two. No wait – three. After all, I graduated summa cum loaded from Marijuana Humboldt State University. Or maybe it was magna, whatever, who remembers those things? But mind-altering substances have changed since then and I’m too chicken to do [...]
health
Catheter Commercials Make Me All Squirmy
I’m no spring chicken and I’m afraid to die and all that, but I think my biggest worry about growing older, my cringiest fear is when some wobbly hospital intern on his first day has to insert a catheter in me. I’m squirming just writing this. Seriously. So anyway, I’m watching television the other day, [...]
I Have a Tonsil Cyst. Wanna See?
If there’s one thing that’s been rattling around in that cobwebbed attic of yours you call a brain, I’ll bet you’ve been wondering how my last dental visit went. Fine thanks. Except for one thing. The hygienist says to me, “Oh you have large tonsils. I’ll bet everybody tells you that.” Actually, no. Nobody has [...]
How Disco Can Save Your Life
So this man-eating squirrel attacked me while I was rooting around in his nut stash (whatever THAT means) the other day. He came at me squealing like a banshee and by merely trying to defend myself, I accidentally smashed him over the head with my Pillowcase O’ Pennies. As hard as I could. Then I [...]
