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Not Your Grandma’s Resolutions

You know what day it is, right? This is the day that the whole world comes together and says, “I wish I’d worked more”. No, wait. That’s what people say on their death bed. Or rather, what people never say on their death bed. Also? The green squigglies are telling me that “deathbed” is one word. Also? Happy New Year.

If it’s not too late to declare my New Year’s resolutions, I’d like to name them here. In addition to the Word document boiler template called “New Year’s Resolutions” that provides the 3 default items, I am adding one more item:

• lose weight
• eat better
• exercise
make a podcast about aliens

aliens, new years resolutions

I will call my podcast The Alien Degenerates Show and open it with pop music expertly mixed by my sidekick, DJ Memphis. I will dance to the delight of my live Google Hangout audience and then do a couple of quirky, self deprecating jokes followed by interviews of various aliens of ill repute.

Everybody knows that podcast audiences have no interest in boring goody-goody aliens, they want to see the dregs and baddies of extraterrestrial society who only want to ruin our lives and possibly end them. People want nasty beings with pus oozing out of their dark almond-shaped eyes and glinting scalpels at the ready.

My bucket list of alien degenerates includes the likes of Joel Grey, Jennifer Grey, Zane Grey…you know, all the Greys.

I will intersperse these interviews with golden nuggets of alien trivia in the form of a pop quiz with our audience and give away spaceship rides and private tours to Area 51. Questions like: What was used for the slime on the aliens in the movie, Alien? Answer: K-Y Jelly.

I know!

And then I will end my podcast with famous alien recipes where DJ Memphis will don his mother’s famous red chef’s hat with the ET casserole patch sewn on the front. DJ Memphis and I will take to the studio kitchen and prepare one of Mommy J Memphis’s  favorite dishes of the week like Abduction Pancakes (yum!), or Dark Almond Surprise. My mouth is already watering!

So, if you know of any aliens interested in being on the show (or in one of our recipes), please let us know in the comments. Also, what’s #4 on your New Year’s resolution list?


(Image by Stefan-Xp)

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  1. I’m seeing “Alien Idol,” “The Alien Bachelor,” “The Biggest Loser Alien.” How about the ABC – the Alien Broadcast Company. You’re definitely onto something here.

  2. Sandra says:

    Man I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the goats. I’ve missed your wit. It’s me Absolutely Narcissism. I would much rather Alien Degeneris than that other chick…whatshername? She’s got that real hot wife? Anyway, as Arnold would say, I’ll be back.

  3. Nicky says:

    You didn’t mention anything about probing. There will be probing… questions… won’t there? It just wouldn’t be an alien podcast without the probing questions.

  4. Maybe I’ll just make exercise my third and fourth item–that way it’s on my list twice. If I list it twice, will that increase the odds of me doing it? Never mind. I think you’re on to something with the podcast about aliens. 🙂

  5. Jen says:

    I would totally watch this because Ancient Aliens jumped the shark when Giorgios cut his hair. Can’t wait for the paternity episode!

  6. Jan Haag says:

    Because there are not enough podcasts about aliens! Go, Margaret!

  7. AbbyGoat is definitely an alien. You can have her.