One Saturday night, Gerald the Elephant plopped his grey wrinkly butt down on his couch and began binge-watching a television show that his friend, Persephone, recommended.
It was a story of a lovely lady who had three very lovely girls and had married an architect who had three boys of his own. All six children were born of immaculate conception, obviously, because in none of the episodes was the topic of ex-husbands or ex-wives brought up.
Gerald stayed up all night and all the next day and all the next night watching all 117 episodes never leaving the couch except to refill his peanut bowl and go to the toilet. A toilet was another thing you never saw on this show, by the way. You saw the bathroom lots, as the kids were always fighting over it – that’s right, 6 kids, 1 bathroom – but you never saw the toilet.
Gerald’s phone rang just as he was watching the credits roll on the last episode, tears streaming down his face over all the plucky drama he had consumed.
“Hello?”
“Well?”
“Persephone! Oh, Persephone!”
“I know!” said Persephone.
“When those kids went on the TV show to win their parents an anniversary gift, I just lost it!” Gerald grabbed another tissue, honked his trunk, and threw it on the mountain that had built up over the weekend.
“I can’t go into the zoo today,” said Gerald. “I’m exhausted.”
“I figured as much,” said Persephone, clicking her beak.
“You did this on purpose, didn’t you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gerry.”
He could always tell when Persephone was lying. She’d preen her feathers whenever she fibbed and he could hear the squeaking from it over the phone.
“Wendy always comes on Mondays with her Mom,” he said, “and she always gives me her cotton candy and now you’re going to get it all.”
“It’s not my fault you marathon watched it.”
“You’re an enabler. And you’re squeaking.”
“You’ll feel better after you’ve had some sleep.”
“Maybe,” he said.
“Hey, have you ever seen The Partridge Family?” asked Persephone.
“How many episodes are there?”
“Not that many,” she said.
The sound of ruffling feathers and a small squeak came over the line.
“I gotta go.”
And what about Alice? A little too friendly, if you know what I mean. And that butcher? Sheesh!
I’m shocked you didn’t note the astroturf grass, especially being he was an architect. Guess he didn’t believe in hiring a landscaper. Maybe he was afraid that, with no toilet, the grass would get watered too much?
And while you are at it — what about the fact that each kid calls them mom and dad, especially with never mentioning the ex parents/spouses?
Dee-lightful! Let’s not tell Gerald that Mrs. Brady was later rumored to be boinking Greg. :0
OMG – yes! Now I wish I had included that part somehow.
Such an amazing imagination!!!!! FANTASTIC! Funny, I don’t remember “no toilets.” And as far as ex wives and husbands… I guess I assumed both the spouses died. But when you really think about it… HOW did they die? Did Alice poison one of them? Did one of the children smother a parent during sleep? Now I want to know! And WHY didn’t any of the kids say, “I miss Mom” or “I miss Dad!”
Ohhh, such GOOD questions, Katherine. Gosh, this blog post could have so much longer.
What a perfect name…Persephone. Sorry, to say that if Gerald watched the reunion show where they all came back but didn’t look all cute anymore. (Well one of them didn’t come back…Jan boycotted it didn’t she?) Anyway…if Gerald watched that horrible piece of crud…sleep won’t come easy.
Jan boycotting does sound familiar. There’s always one. Like how what’s her butt from the Partridge family refuses to be interviewed about that show. Susan Dey! That’s it. Almost forgot it for a second.
Poor Gerald, there are 96 episodes of the Partridge Family. Persephone is wicked!
96? Yikes. That sounds like a whole weekend again. 🙂
Margaret, this is hysterical! I can’t believe you were worried about being in this challenge. You’ve brilliantly completed two days IN A ROW and now there’s only 26 left to go.
I, like you, have not prepared, and am totally winging it every day so far. Let’s see how long I can keep this up.
“How many episodes are there?”
“Not that many,” she said.
I lost it when I read that part. Good stuff, Margaret.
Thanks, KZ!
I would do anything for cotton candy as well…I’m a fluff whore.
a fluff whore! That’s hysterical. And … weird on a couple of levels.
Persephone is totally my hero, what a woman!
Margaret, Margaret, Margaret.
I love that so many people GET me. And this blog post reference.
Best “Brady Bunch” Post – EVER!
Thank you, my dear. 🙂
Ah, come now. Everyone knows that it’s the story of a widow and widower. Right? Right?
I don’t think anyone ever uses a toilet on TV. It’s just like everyone wakes up in the morning with full makeup and a perfect hairstyle.
Pfffft.
And yellow netting up to the neck for a nightgown.
I do not worry about toilets. I just squat and go. It’s very freeing.
I would doubt the motives of this Persephone person. I would wonder what would make her spring into action at any given moment. She seems a very underworld type.
I doubt Persephone’s motives as well. Also? Squat and Go sounds like an awesome product name.
That Persephone is evil… managing to hoard all the cotton candy for herself. (And Gerald is such a sap!) Bring on the Partridge Family!
Poor Gerald. When will he ever learn?