Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution only to fulfill it on January 1 and have nothing left to worry about the rest of the year?
Yeah, me neither.
So anyway, I saw a sign the other day while traipsing through the wilderness.
In other words, it’s okay for the bears to vandalize the trees, like this:
…because they don’t make handcuffs big enough for bears.
On the other hand (so to speak), if humans scratch up a tree with their professions of love for one another, it’s a federal crime.
How is that fair? I mean, is it really just a matter of the lack of bear-sized handcuffs?
Loving one another should be encouraged, not punishable by law, I say.
As I continued to traipse, I came across this little gem:
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. Don’t do this, don’t do that.
So now we have to keep our food to ourselves and avoid pelting bears with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at point blank range? When did they outlaw that?
And what if, as in my case, the BEARS are the ones not keeping their distance?
Are they going to arrest them?
No. No they are not. Because they don’t make handcuffs big enough for bears.
So instead of teaching the bears a lesson about following rules (for their OWN safety, I might add) the guvmint places all the responsibility on us. With this egregious policy-making, is it any wonder that humans decide the rules don’t apply to them either?
I’m telling you, humans aren’t the only evil wrong-doers here and it would do the Parks and Recreation Departments out there well to bark up another tree. But we all know, that’s not gonna happen.
Therefore, in light of this stalemate, I’ve decided to start a nonprofit called Handcuffs for Bears. Our vision is to partner with an international metal and bear claw conglomerate, such as the Global Steel & Doughnut Empire, so that we can manufacture and supply enough restraints for the entire bear population, and we won’t stop until every vandalizing Grizzly, Kodiak, Polar or Brown is behind bars. Serving time with the rest of us.
When we’re through, the aspens won’t be the only thing quaking in their roots.