Nanny Goats in Panties Rotating Header Image

Hostess’ Twinkie the Kid Proclaims: “I’m Not Dead Yet”

When Hostess Brands, makers of Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos, shut its doors on Friday after an unresolvable strike, Twinkie the Kid was discovered face down in an alley of dumpsters amidst rotten fish and day old bread.

Twinkie the Kid

Twinkie the Kid, before the shut down.

The Kid, formerly known as Harold Blumenspiegel, was accosted by the media and probed for his reaction to the day’s events and what he thought his future held.

“I’m not dead yet,” he slurred. “With a shelfph-life of forty-seven years, how could I poshblee be dead?” He then began to babble incoherently and passed out into a pile of stale Wonder Bread crusts.

“This is just a travesty,” said  Gladys Blumenspegel, Twinkie the Kid’s mother when interviewed on the Baked Goods Network News program, “Afternoon Delights”.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do, said tear-sogged Mrs. Blumenspiegel. “Harold supported three wives, twenty-six children, and God knows how many great-grandchildren, those poor little cream puffs. It breaks my heart to know that people in the world will be Twinkie-starved.

But the Kid says differently. A disturbed, but slightly more coherent Kid held a press conference from the dumpster-ridden, pastry wrapper-laden alley where he was originally discovered today by reporters.

He sat in his own crumbs, cowboy hat askew, propped up against a rusty dumpster and delivered his own announcement to the world that the Twinkie wasn’t going anywhere.

“500 million Twinkies were sold last year, my friends,” said the Kid. “The American people will not tolerate an outright stoppage. This kind of clear demand for my delicious cakes will result in a bidding war among investors to purchase me and my cream-filled goodness.”

Not everyone agrees. Opportunists, like Fruit Pie the Magician and Chauncey Choco-dile, were seen lurking nearby in trench coats and selling Twinkie-related merchandise at extortionist prices touting them as “limited collectibles”.

“He’s a dead man,” said Fruit Pie, his eyes shifting about nervously as he patted his pockets. “And it’s about time, that cocky cowboy has had it easy for way too long. He was a one-trick pony. I came in eight different flavors. Where was the love for me all those years? Why are all the microphones getting shoved in HIS greasy face? Say, wanna buy a Twinkie watch? I can get you a good price. I got this baby for our 40th anniversary.”

After the Kid said he’d take questions during the press conference, one reporter asked him, “Do you have plans to bring your co-mascots with you where ever you go? Is this the demise of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos?”

“I don’t know about those guys,” the Kid said. “It’s a bread eat bread world out there. Every man for himself, you know what I mean?”

Neither King Ding Dong nor Happy Ho Ho could be reached for comment.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

12 Comments

  1. Ben Swilley says:

    Extremely good writing! A timely and thoughtful article but I wish more people would be considerate of and aware of the harm this has done to many thousands of ambulance-chasing legal-eagles throughout America. Will there never be another “Twinkie” defense in a US court of law?

    You need not worry if you require personal “Sugar Highs” from time to time. According to Kathy at “The Junk Drawer” you can actually buy gift cards from Dunkin’ Donuts. Keep a pocket full of those cards in case you need an emergency sugar fix.

  2. Susan Cooper says:

    Hostess has been an iconic company and it is sad that it has conceeded to the economy. I agree that another company will probably purchase the company and keep the long line of twinkies and other goodies available. :-)

  3. Oh, Margaret!! This is one of my FAVORITE posts that you’ve ever written! Absolutely brilliant and sofa king funny!!!!

  4. Cheryl P. says:

    I agree with Jayne…genius. I am betting on Twinkie being bought out by some competitor that is jonesing to sell millions of little snack cakes. Same goes for HoHos and Ding Dongs.

    I can just see it now…Little Debby is offering her “cookies” to the Chairman of the Board of Hostess as we speak. Frankly, I was always suspect of the way Debby wiggled her Honey Buns. She is such a tart.

  5. sueann says:

    Such a dastardly event!! What will the world do? What will happen next?
    Famine? Pestilence? Frogs? My head is spinning with the possibilities!
    Argh!!
    By the way…I am considering hoarding.
    Hugs
    SueAnn

    1. Margaret says:

      I would. I mean, with the shelf life and everything. Actually, I’ve heard Twinkies don’t really half that long of a shelf life. Mere months, I’ve read. So, that which you’ve hoarded, you will also have to eat copious amounts of before their expiration date. :)

  6. Condo Blues says:

    The question that burns in my mind is what about about all of those ads we grew up with in comic books that our childhood superheroes could not save the day without the help of Hostess fruit pies? With their demise our world is doomed! Doomed I tell you!

    1. Margaret says:

      Oh no! Time to stockpile like those Doomsday Preppers!

  7. Jayne says:

    BAHAHAHA! This is genius, my very funny friend. :)

    1. Margaret says:

      Thank you, Jayne. I’m glad I made you bahahaha. :)

  8. Pricilla says:

    The publicist is trying so very hard to not make a comment about losing one’s Ding Dong in their Ho Ho…oh, she did not succeed did she?

    Bad publicist, very bad publicist.

    1. Margaret says:

      Well if they don’t pass on to another company, everybody loses their Ding Dings in their Ho Hos.