I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot, steamy and French-pressed. Or something like that.
If I’m honest, however, I like cream in my coffee. It has to have cream. Real cream. Not that powdery crap you take camping with you. And not milk.
Cream. The stuff at the top.
There’s a reason why they say the “cream of the crop” and not the “nonfat milk of the crop”.
The problem is, I don’t know how to avoid sounding like a total snob when I’m a guest at someone’s house and after dinner, the host asks, “Who wants coffee?” Because I want coffee. But only if they have cream.
Too many times, I have been devastated after saying yes to coffee only to find out there was no cream and now I have to force down hot, black, bitter, yucky (also how I like my men) coffee.
Then I graduated to meekly asking if they had cream. They would say yes and it turned out not to be cream. It was milk. Or worse…it was nonfat milk.
Nonfat?
NONFAT?
Nonfat milk is like iceberg lettuce to me. It’s pointless and offers no real value. Nonfat milk makes things taste like less than what they are. Coffee tastes less with nonfat virtually transparent grey milk. Why not save yourself the money and add water to your coffee?
I grew up with water nonfat milk on my cereal. My chocolate frosted sugar bomb cereal. Which is like ordering two double-cheeseburgers, a super big-ass order of french fries… and a Diet Coke. But I was a kid and didn’t know better. My tastes buds never had the pleasure of whole milk until college and my gawd, I thought it tasted like syrupy white cream.
I would have taken whole milk in my coffee back then. But I didn’t drink coffee back then. This was before the days of Starbucks, so about a hundred years ago.
But now when I go to Starbucks or Peet’s or Coffee Bean (another reason Sacramento sucks – they have no Coffee Bean – I should start a Facebook page movement for that) I must always specify WHOLE milk for my latte because most of the silly people they call “customers” are insane and want watery milk in their coffee. Starbucks’ default milk is 2% if you don’t tell them that you want milk THE WAY GOD INTENDED. Peet’s claims they use whole milk by default, but again, I don’t trust them so I always say, “Yes, I’d like a small latte with milk the way God intended, please. And fourteen doughnuts, please. No, I don’t need a bag. Why would I need a bag? Yes, that’s for here. Why wouldn’t that be for here? No I’m not with anyone, what’s with all the questions?”
By the way, you do know whole milk has fewer carbs than nonfat milk, right?
So anyway, back to the house where the host has asked us if we want coffee. I feel like a pompous assy guest asking if they have cream because if they say yes, I won’t believe them and I’ll want to further ask if it’s REAL cream. Half and half cream. The white stuff, not the translucent stuff.
I’m like George Costanza’s mother who doesn’t understand people who don’t serve pound cake after dinner. Who doesn’t have dessert for their guests?
And who doesn’t have cream for coffee?
So what has to happen for me to ensure I’m going to get cream in my coffee….THIS?:
Creme de la Creme, a play in one act. (Act 1 Scene 1):
We’re in a warmly decorated home dining room with browns and oranges and harvest-themed decorations like those cornicopia things on the side tables. Bellies are satisfied and full. The smell of turkey and brown-sugared sweet potato casserole still lingers in the air.
My gracious host who has welcomed me into his or her home and served me a delicious meal: Who wants coffee?
Ungrateful me: Do you have cream?
My gracious host: Yes.
Rude as all get out me: Can I look at it?
My ever-so-gracious host: Errrr….
Pompous assy me: That’s okay, I’ll just check your fridge. It’s in the fridge, right? ‘Cause it’s cream, not the powdery stuff you take camping with you, right?
I mean, who does that?
Is there a nice way to find out, or do I just forego my after dinner treat altogether? Do I presumptuously bring my own cream? Because I really really really want that coffee.
(image source: Wikimedia Commons)
I have heard a stream of words while standing at Starbucks that meant high caffiene, hifpgh sugar and fat AND it was a Granda. REALLY!!!! As for me that’s easy. At home with cream. It’s always available and cheap, so I then don’t skimp on the cream… Just saying… LOL
My husband has been known to order the occcasional Venti (Venti!) white mocha with whipped cream – yowza!
So, when you say “cream” does that include 1/2 & 1/2? Or shall I be sure to have whipping cream when you visit. On the other hand, there are cows next door. You can always take your cup over the fence for a fresh squirt — the way God intended. 😉
I guess if I’m going to get all self-righteous, I should be a little more well-defined. I really only meant half and half and should have clarified that. I don’t mean whipping cream. Whipping cream doesn’t seem as sweet. Or am I crazy because that doesn’t make any sense.
I’ll have to go ask the cows.
Uh-oh… I never have cream at my house, but I do have a Nespreso coffee maker, so I’ll be getting cream every week going forward, just in case you’re in the ‘hood– I’ll have coffee and REAL cream waiting for you.
xo jj
That sounds like an invitation! I gotta get myself back down there soon!
Margaret, I suggest that when you are invited to someone’s lovely autumn-themed dinner party, you bring a “gift” along. Forget the wine and flowers. Think specialty coffee and cream. That way you’re guaranteed to enjoy your coffee after you’ve sated yourself on turkey and sweet potato casserole.
That… is a fantastic idea.
First things first… Sacramento is awesome not sucky. We have great coffee from Temple, Chocolate Fish and Old Soul (to name a few).Your line about you like your coffee like your men: Hot,steamy and french pressed” made me laugh out loud. Well done. I’ve always preferred my coffee like I preferred my women: Dark and bitter.
I’ll admit it’s getting more difficult to say that Sacramento sucks, as I keep finding out about cool things happening here and there. It’s just been my mantra for so long. But I’m telling you, we need a Coffee Bean. If they can open a PinkBerry, they can open a Coffee Bean. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer the little local coffee shops, but if we’re going to get all corporate chainy, let’s the have the good stuff. It’s one of the few things I miss about L.A.
Who was it that messed with our minds for so many years and made us think skim-milk was healthier than regular milk? Probably the brother-in-law of the guy that had us believing fat free COOKIES are health food. By the way, you need to put some cream in that cup of coffee pictured in this post. 🙂
Ha! I know. Sorry, but that’s what happens when you steal pictures off the internet rather than take your own.
Did you ever try the fat free Twinkies? I can’t believe I fell for THAT. Chemical garbage (albeit tasty chemical garbage) is bad whether there’s fat in it or not.
hahaha!! Oh my gosh! I found you through my blog frog community and I am glad I did, this was hilarious as is your whole site! I can’t wait to delve in and don’t worry, if you ever come over, I will bring out the cream WITH the coffee!!
Nicole@hersocialnetwrk:twitter
Blog Frog? Holy cow (er, I mean frog), is that thing still around? I haven’t heard from them in a while. I’ll have to run over there and see what’s going on.
Thanks for the compliments and I feel less anxiety now that I know you’ll have the “good stuff” when I come over. How’s next week? 😉
real sugar, real cream. And I grew up with Dad grinding the beans every morning, too. I don’t really drink coffee at other people’s houses, it’s easier to just say no than explain how inferior their beverages are.
You’re right. If I’m the one who can’t be nice, I don’t deserve their stupid coffee. 😉 My parents never drank coffee. Ever. How crazy is that?
I hate to add to your squeamies, but if you do luck out and are served cream, have you demanded that it not be “ultra pasteurized”? Have you noticed that it has a shelf life of about three months out?! Would you really expect your milk or cream to last that long?! And still have the flavor of rich, real cream?! AND, the ultra-pasteurization which allows it to last that long kills the enzymes that help your body process the nutrients from good ole milk—if health is being factored into your high demands for real cream with real coffee. Besides tasting flat, if you were to buy heavy whipping cream, it’s almost impossible to whip. Real cooks do not buy ultra pasteurized. So real coffee drinkers should demand real beans, freshly ground, fresh brewed (preferably with a french press) with real (only pasteurized) cream (in this case, we mean half and half, but the story is still the same).
I believe I might be a coffee snob of the highest order. But life is too short not to be 😉
Wow! That’s a tall order, no Starbucks pun intended. You really know how to take your coffee! 🙂
I am not much of a coffee drinker but i do love my milk whole and some.
You really are the No 1 humor blogger 🙂
Awww, shucks, Ginger. Thank you!
First, let me say that YOU are the cream of the crop. I laughed all through reading this post. Now, a little advice from a rodent of little brain but bushy tail; “Tell your host that you unfortunately extremely, extremely lactose and dairy tolerant. A rare medical condition that results in extreme bazooka vomiting and Ol’Faithful geyser-force diarrhoea from drinking low-fat milk substitutes.” They may even send someone out to get real cream than risk letting you loose in their bathroom with loose bowels.
Nice! I have never heard anyone use “extreme bazooka vomiting and Ol’Faithful geyser-force diarrhoea” but as gross as it sounds, I love it. Extreme bazooka vomiting just rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? I also like your idea of my being extremely lactose tolerant. I’ll definitely have to use that.
LOLsssss!! I love the sound of that ‘extremely lactose tolerant. I think you should use it.
LOL – I’m with you. I HATE milk in my coffee, it has to be cream. We were at a restaurant this past weekend. There were 12 of us, so we were keeping the waitress busy, but afterwards most of us ordered coffee. She brought it, but didn’t bring any cream or sugar. When we asked, she seemed totally surprised. “Oh … you want cream?” What, did she just assume we all took our coffee black? WTF?
HOWEVER, tea is a different story. I can only take milk in my tea.
Go figure.
Yeah, I do put milk in my tea. It seems the only proper British way to do it. Man, I love me some Earl Grey. There’s a joke in there somewhere about how you take your Earl Grey, or I like my Earl Grey like I like my men, Earl Grey being a man, but I can’t figure it out.
Wow, I don’t know if the page will explode, but does anyone besides me like Soy Milk in their coffee? As in never seen the inside of a cow white liquid? Got Soy?
I’ve done vanilla soy on cereal and that’s pretty dang good. And I think the page will be alright, no explosions here, although I love how you worded that – can I steal that?
But. . .half and half is not cream. It’s only half cream! Have it with REAL 100% cream. And you’ll never go back.
You know what? You’re right. Here I am all picky and don’t have the sense to call it what it is. Now, I’m afraid to go with REAL REAL cream because then I’ll be imPOSSible!
I had to read this when I saw the title! I don’t have cream, but I’m VERY particular. I have my coffee strong (so strong that if it’s instant I actually specify 2 teaspoons) and I have two thirds boiling and one third cold water. If close enough to the person, I just ask if I can make it myself!! Great post x
Wow, that is some strong coffee. I like that.
So I just need to get real chummy with my house hosts. Duly noted! 🙂 And thanks for the compliments!
So oooo right there with you. Cream in coffee…not milk. It really tastes like crap if you put milk in it. BUT steamed milk in coffee is ok for me. Not sure why though…
Ah, the ol’ cafe au lait. Yes, I’m OK with that too. Like Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans…with Beignets. Mmmmmm, beignets.
Amen sister! I’d get a cow if I could. Then the milk, cream, butter and such would all be real. Real moo!
If only! I’m pretty sure my HOA (let alone the landlord) wouldn’t allow us a cow at our condo. 🙁
Start a movement. It worked for the chickens.
“There’s a reason why they say the “cream of the crop” and not the “nonfat milk of the crop”.
HA!!
I’m JUST like YOU. I like REAL cream in my coffee.
And you’re 100% right. Nonfat milk really IS like iceberg lettuce!
The only milk I ever use is good old fashioned RED CAP whole milk.
Ah, RED CAP whole milk. I like that. So many ways to describe deliciousness. That novel writing is making you awfully good at describing things.
Awww. Thanks, Margaret!
I know how you feel..me too! I want cream!! Sheesh!!
I may start bringing my own!! Ha
Hugs
SueAnn
Gee whiz, I thought I was being a snob, you guys are making me feel less and less so. Where’s the hate?
Well, I grew up when all milk was FULL cream. I used to take the ‘top of the milk’ (the cream) off two or three bottles of milk and have it on my cereal.
I don’t actually like cream in my coffee though. That is strange as I love cream any other way.
Milk bottles? Did you use to have a milk man and everything? How cool is that!
When I was a kid, the milkman delivered using a horse and cart! As I got older, it they used an electric cart. Bottles didn’t disappear until the 70’s, when the skimmed milk first came along. Worst thing that ever happened in my eyes 😉
Good Gawd! Are you THAT young? I remember the milkman and milk truck with bottles that had little cardboard disks as the ‘lid’. Someone (usually me) would always poke it down into the bottle.
Mmmmmm real cream. I’m afraid that pasteurized modified pretend stuff they sell at the grocery store isn’t as good as the kind Grandpa’s cow used to make. I’m talking about the stuff that really does rise to the top and you scoop it off with the gravy ladle and plop it into your cup and onto your hips.
Ah… the good ol’ days.
To be even more snobbish… when I’m offered coffee I want to know if it’s whole bean or not. I’ve been known to bring my own beans to family dinners, cuz gosh darn it, I want some COFFEE!
This city girl has never seen a bucket o’ milk. The real REAL stuff of cream. Now I want even more real cream – gahh!!!
Thank you for being even more of a coffee snob than I. I love that you bring your own beans! Cuz you don’t want Aunt Harriet bringing out the can of MJB – yikes!
You should try goat’s milk in your coffee. Did you know that my rich milk is 6% milk fat? did you? Did you? We goats don’t mess around.
And it is not “goaty” like some people think. It tastes just like ugh, cow’s milk only richer.
6%? Wow! That’s awesome. To be honest, I can’t remember if I ever tried goat’s milk. Straight anyway. I know I’ve done goat’s milk yogurt. And that was yummy. And goat cheese of course. Also yummy.
Yes! Yes! Finally somebody has said what has needed to be said about cream! Milk is not cream! Powder is not cream! I grew up with only that coffeemate crap and as God is my witness, I’ll never go back.
Also, I want sugar. Not Splenda, not Sweet-n-Low, not Stevia, not honey, not Agave nectar. Sugar. In the Raw is find, but it must be real sugar. I can tell the difference. Don’t think I can’t.
(I bet lukewarm Sanka with coffee-mate and Equal is what they serve in Hell)
And fat free half and half is an abomination. Call it starch-thickened dairy based liquid because it sure as heck isn’t half cream, half milk!
OMG, you are right on the money. I too only eat real sugar. And fat free half and half doesn’t deserve to live.
I agree with Tracy! And nonfat anything should be banned. 🙂 We have REAL cream and REAL sugar in our house. Always.
I also grew up on Nonfat/Skim milk, we all know Starbucks like to call it “skinny” (back when I could afford a stupid skinny latte), although I always ordered it non-fat latte. Saying “skinny” basically makes a man feel not like a man. Ha! I wish I could agree with you, but I prefer nonfat milk in my coffee 🙂
In spite of your crazy way of taking coffee, I respect your choice. And you’re right about the non-manly “skinny” latte. It’s only one step above the equally emasculating “scrawny” latte.