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Peepholes. People Who Need Peepholes…

I could keep going and say that people who need peepholes are the luckiest people in the world except that people like me who until yesterday needed a peephole was an unlucky member of those people.

Wait – what?

You longtime readers of Nanny Goats in Panties may recall a solicitor who came to my door and suckered me out of $75.00 for a magazine subscription. A magazine I never received. Let me mention their names again because they are still on my list of wrath sufferers: Universal Subscription Service. Those scam artist bastard bozos. It’s because of them that I can’t afford to open the door any more.

Anyhow, we’ve lived in our current residence for five or six years and the one thing I’ve longed for like a bacon-wrapped ice cream sandwich is a stinkin’ hole in the door through which to recognize potential baddies. We get more unwanted doorbell ringers than wanted ones, and because I’m such a nice guy, I go into a self-induced crisis every time someone who darkens my welcome mat wants to sell me something whether it’s candy bars to keep them off the streets or saving my Hell-bound soul with a ten-minute diatribe and a tri-fold pamphlet.

But what if my door knocker is the UPS lady who needs a signature? I have to answer the door, lest she send my Barnabus Collins melodramatic-blood-sucking vampire action figurine (collect all 10!) back to the manufacturer and I have to order it all over again.

The doorbell will ring and I’ll tiptoe to the door and softly plaster my ear against it, hoping to overhear a recognizable cough or something that will reveal whether it’s friend or foe. A minute later, I will hear a big truck engine turning over and — OMG it’s the UPS lady! — and I will tear the door open and chase her down the street like a banshee in my tattered bathrobe, my slippers slapping on the asphalt, hair curlers flying everywhere.

It’s all just so vexing.

The last time some brochure-pushing religiophites came to my door, they asked if they could pray for me and I said yes, you can pray that God provides for me a peephole so I can avoid unwanted visitors. And by golly, it worked!

Some tool-bedecked dude came over this weekend (some tool-bedecked dude who stared at my ass, according to certain other household members) and in less time than it takes for another unwanted visitor to persuade me to subscribe to Suckers Monthly, we had a beautiful, lovely, glorious peephole.

Behold!

door photo, door, peephole

 

So knock yourselves out, you lucky people, because now?

Wait for it…

You can ring my bellll-lll-llll. Ring my bell. My bell.

peephole, view through peephole

 

 

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20 Comments

  1. LuLu Kellogg says:

    YIPPEE for peepholes!

    Now all your need is a wee sign beside your front door that says “do not put your finger over the peephole!”

    Happy Heart Day!

    LuLu~*xoxo

    1.  Ha! You know, wouldn’t that be kind of ballsy to put your finger over the peephole? Of course, it would render my decision very quickly if some A-hole did that as to whether or not to answer the door.

  2. Angela Knutsen says:

    Now you never need to have your soul saved ever again!  We’ve got two windows where we can see the bell from.  The technique is for them not to see that there is someone inside …

    1.  There’s a window with blinds right next to our door, and if visitors couldn’t see me opening the blinds to look at them, that would have been fine, but you’re sort of announcing yourself when that happens.

  3. You can get Barnabas Collins vampire action figures?  Wow.  America really is great!  Congrats on the peephole but can you see short people like nut-soliciting squirrels with it?

    1.  You can probably get Barnabus Collins vampire action figures. Especially after the new movie comes out.

      1. There’s a new movie coming out?  I really have to keep up with what’s going on in the world.  I used to enjoy Dark  Shadows comics by Gold Key which was based on the TV show.

  4. Heather Murphy-Raines says:

    Yay for peepholes!

    1.  Now that’s a face I would let in! :)

  5. Nicky says:

    “some tool-bedecked dude who stared at my ass, according to certain other household members”

    He probably recognized your famous backside from that magazine article you were in… or from the stripjo… um, nevermind.

    My brother used to keep a book about Satan worshipping beside the door. Let’s just say the religiophites never wanted to hang out very long when he offered to read their material but only if they read his.

  6. Jayne says:

    What the hell magazine costs $75?   Seriously, so glad you got a peephole.  Good security in these days of the great unwashed unwanted — and that’s just the politicians.   

  7. Nezzy says:

    Woohoo!!!   Ya got me singin’ right there with ya sister!  Hooray for your need peephole.  Down with unwanted visitors.

    Peephole would do me no good.  All the delivery and most other folds are blind to the front door and come to the carport where I have glass French Doors.  I hear somethin’ and even enter the family room….I’m busted!!!!

    God bless ya and enjoy that wonderful peephole forevermore!!!! :o)

  8. OMG! I totally remember when you paid 75.00 to that magazine solicitor! *memories*

    And you really DID need a peephole. We can’t have you running down the street in your robe & slippers with curlers in your hair. That’s my job. 

  9. Pricilla says:

    But if I knock on your door you will not see me because I am short. Then you will not let me in so you can have me over for a visit and I will be a sad goat instead of being a happy goat and then what will I do?

    ps: the publicist tells the god people that she is atheist and they get this look in their eyes like the devil is standing behind her. She then laughs evilly. They never come back.

    1.  I would be afraid that claiming I’m an atheist would make them dig in their heels and plan to stay a while.

      1. Pricilla says:

        In the publicist’s experience they get very scared of such an evil person and leave….especially when she mentions that the male person is a Buddhist. Such a combination!

  10. Matthew W. says:

    Tell me you didn’t have to pay to have someone do that…   Let me guess, they don’t let goats play with Power drills?  :)

    1.  WE didn’t have to pay someone. But that’s because we rent.

  11. Das Santos says:

    Congrats on the Peephole. Now if only I could get on for my bedroom door…

    1.  You mean you get people trying to sell you stuff outside your bedroom door???? ;)