Hey buddy, how’s it going? Listen, I don’t pretend to know why you do the things you do and why you don’t do the things you don’t do, but I have a favor to ask. It’s about your Macaroni and Cheese, or as the Canadians call it, Kraft Dinner.
First let me say that your macaroni and cheese rocks. And you are indeed the cheesiest. And I’m not talking about that crappy stuff in a box with the gooey liquid cheese sauce. That stuff tastes too much like real macaroni and cheese, you know the stuff that’s made from scratch. And who in their right mind makes macaroni and cheese from scratch? Amish people, that’s who.
No, I’m talking about your turbo processed cheese-infused orangy-flavored powder. That is the stuff that rocks. You have shown me that real cheese isn’t cheesy enough.
The problem is your pasta. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Mind you, I loaded up the last time it was on sale.
But then my husband went and discovered that he’s allergic to wheat.
So, dear Kraft, I’m here to ask you to make a gluten free macaroni and cheese.
Why you? Because of that rockin’ cheese-flavored powder of yours.
I went to the grocery store the other day and noticed that you are fully capable of expanding on your basic recipe. I would think that if you can make Organic or Veggie versions, you could make a gluten free version. A Mac n Cheese 2.0, if you will.
I would also think that if you could make an Extreme Cheese Explosion version, you could make a gluten free version.
I mean, we’re just talking about using rice or non-wheat pasta. You don’t need to change the cheese. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t change the cheese! You don’t need to make it extreme and you don’t need to blow it up. Leave the cheese part alone. Just change the pasta part.
If you can make a “Man of Action” version or a “Do Bee Doo Bee Doo Bah” version, why not help those with gluten sensitivity and make a non-wheat version?
Please, I’m begging you, think outside the box and offer a gluten free version. C’mon. Everybody’s doing it and I promise you, there is a market for it. Millions of people are allergic to wheat and gluten. Millions, I say! As a matter of fact, Wheat is one of the Top 8 allergens.
Or, you know what would be really Kraft-y? Sell us the freakin’ powder. If you don’t want to make gluten-free pasta, we’ll figure that part out ourselves! Just give us the powder, man! We’re jonesing for the orange powder!
I’m so desperate for your processed cheese-flavored powder over others, that I’ve resorted to tearing open all my Kraft boxes…
saving the cheese packets and tossing the macaroni…
and then using gluten free macaroni.
How dare you make me throw away perfectly good food! Just who do you think you are? Don’t you realize there are people starving everywhere?
Frankly, I don’t know how you sleep at night, knowing that stuff like this is going on, that people are just tossing their pasta in the trash.
If you sold your manna cheese-flavored pasta dust (and I give you permission to actually call it that – Kraft’s Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust), if you sold that stuff by the pound, oh, what joy that would bring to the masses. Even those not restricted by gluten-free diets would OD on your powdery goodness.
So how about this: if you do not start selling your Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust by itself or selling a gluten-free version of the Macaroni and Cheese, I will be forced to believe that there is a conspiracy between you and the Wheat Council, or that you are in bed with the Wheat King who is now a permanent fixture in your list of ingredients. He and his team of wheat lobbyists will never leave, having managed to firmly establish themselves as “too big to bail”.
However, I am not bailing any time soon, so quit making me throw away perfectly good food and give us your Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust already!
Look, I even made you a new box that I will let you use:
Yours in Cheesy Dusty Gooodness,
P.S. After the gluten-free thing, you think you can do something about the packaging? Thanks.
Nicky and Mike write for a blog called We Work for Cheese. Nicky (or Nick as she lets me get away with calling her) was so moved (or perhaps “offended” is a better word) that she wrote a rebuttal, or an open letter to my open letter. You can read it here.
Hot Off The Presses…
If a humorous collection of essays is up your alley, fellow blogger Jayne Martin (of injaynesworld), has recently published a book called Suitable for Giving: A Collection of Wit with a Side of Wry. She and comedienne Elaine Boozler have teamed up so that for every book sold, Jayne will donate a portion to Boozler’s animal rescue organization called Tails of Joy. Suitable for Giving is currently available on Amazon, CreateSpace and Smashwords.