So the male half of my marriage and I are down for the count, horking and sneezing and blowing and hacking and honking. We’re all congesty-like.
Since I’m the one who most resembles that of a warm-bodied breathing human, it was my job to crawl out of the house to get drugs. Specifically, our decongestant of choice: Sudafed.
I hiked all the way to the Back 40 of Rite-Aid, a drug store which oddly reserves a small corner for actual drugs, and grabbed the little high security card with the picture of the Sudafed on it and schlepped 12 miles back to the front of the store where I stood in line in a clouded haze, trying very hard not to cough and make everyone around me recoil in resentment for standing anywhere near them, infecting them with my germs that look like those little guys from the Mucinex commercial.
Only to be told by the front cashier that I had to take it to the pharmacy. Located 97 miles away at the back of the store.
After being ID-ed, scanned, breathalyzed, frisked, strip searched, anally probed and interrogated under a single hot light bulb that dangled hypnotically from the ceiling in their “back room”, I was allowed to purchase 10 tablets of Sudafed.
10 tablets.
But not before getting groped by some random customer who claimed that he was a TSA agent whose closest resemblance to such a person was his Toxic Shockers of America baseball hat.
And what should we, as Americans, do about this travesty of self-medication? Why, sue the Feds, of course.
Get it? Sue da Feds? Sudafed? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, since the both of us are having this snork fest together and I was only able to get 10 tablets, you know what that means. That’s right, I’ll have to hide them in my stash alongside the porno magazines and kitty litter samples. And then when I run out, I’ll have to send him to the store for more because I’m probably on some Patriot Act watch list now where you’re not allowed to buy more than 1 box per CDC-approved flu season.
Also? I’m thinking why don’t I just do a reversal of what the meth lab guys do? I’ll just buy crystal meth off some local street corner. It’s quicker, cheaper and no lines. Some of them even have drive-thru service. And the last thing they want to see is your ID.
Then I’ll simply go home and make my own Sudafed tablets. And forget those silly little 24 hour baby pills. Mine will rock all the way through the week, yo.
By the way, does anybody know where I can get red shellac for the coating and those cute little pill packaging kits?
Don’t forget to enter my giveaway of a Trevor Project necklace of handmade silver which honors the youth who have taken their lives due to hate, ignorance and intolerance. There are 3 different ways to enter and you have until midnight on Monday, Nov 28.
I prefer the generic brand because they come in smaller doses (4-6 hr dosing instead of 12 and 24 like with sudafed )…
Do you still need all the security when buying the generic brands?
That’s hilarious and true. It wouldn’t be a problem if anything else actually works but what do ya do.
I know! The stuff they sell over the counter works a lot like water. 🙂
We have to do the same thing in PA. However, I prefer Mucinex over Sudafed. It clears up my congestion and makes me feel like I could lift a mountain.
Ha ha ha! This post is great! I HATE trying to buy either Sudafed or Claritin D. Honestly, I am to the point where it just isn’t worth it and I don’t buy either. I may look into your idea of reverse manufacturing though, lol. 🙂
This just in from the Late Responses Department:Somebody mentioned an alternative, PE or something which I might do next time because it’s such a pain in the butt to get the regular stuff. Where are the Sudafed lobbyists when you need them? As usual, a few “bad apples” have ruined it for the rest of us.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
sorry,I hope you feel better soon.
oh sorry, I hope you feel better soon.
PS.  Your post was HILARIOUS 🙂
Cassoulet Cafe
I’ve had similar Sudafed-buying-experiences.  The worst was when I was pregnant.  A boxboy at Walgreens lectured me on METH LABS when I asked him where to find the Sudafed, while my nose was running all over the floor and my eyes were swollen and I was hacking in his face (yes, on purpose, because of the whole meth lab reprimand.)  Did I mention I have ALL my teeth AND I was clearly sicker than a dog?! Sheesh.  I’m glad my state now requires us to get an Rx from the doc, just to avoid those accusatory boxboys.  😛
This just in from the Late Responses Department: What state are you in that requires an Rx for it? Also? I’m glad you still have all your teeth in spite of the fact that you’re a meth addict.
I don’t know if I should be jealous that you can buy it over the counter, or happy that with my prescription I can get enough to make it through a single cold!
I Â was very excited to post a comment Margaret, but quite frankly by the time I’d read the other 33, I was Sudafed up with the whole thing.
Ba-HAHAHA!!!!!!!  That was almost as bad as mine. 🙂
Awesome! I know what you mean. I’ve bought Sudafed before. It’s crazy!
Sandy
Why do you keep your porno mags with the kitty litter? I know kitty litter is absorbent, but…
Oh.
Sorry about your cold. Carry on.
Mike – you’re killing me. And because of that, I went into a phlegmy coughing fit from laughing too hard.
Funny, I went to buy it too this week for me and himself because we are sick too, and after presenting ID my pharmacist asked me if I wanted 12, 24,48, or the 96 count. Here they swipe your driver’s license though, they’ve gotten away from the largely ceremonial ‘book’ you used to have to sign.Â
I can’t complain, though; the woman in the other line was being told that her insurance company rejected her doctor’s ‘brand medically necessary’ notation on her prescription because whatever she was trying to get filled costs $1400. A month.Â
$1400/month? Yikes.
I guess that whole drug protocol varies all over the place. So did you get the 96 then?
Why do drug stores make the sick and lame walk the farthest? The pharmacy is always hidden in the bowels of the store.
I live in meth lab heaven so I don’t even try to buy anything that could be used for meth manufacture. I probably would die of fish eye poisoning if tried.
Hope your 10 pills do the trick.
Fish eye poisoning???? That would be horrific if it didn’t sound so funny. 😀
Ha!! Glad you got your supply of Sudafed!! I didn’t realize it was so hard to get it!! Sheesh!! Talk about overkill!!!! Sheesh!!
Hugs
SueAnn
PSÂ Feel better soon!
I’m sure you looked meth addict chic.  Do you want me to mail you some or alot?  🙂
oooh, meth addict chic. Did you just make that up? Brilliant!
“Sue da Feds?” Â Even sicker than sick, your crack me up, Margaret.
I sure hope you’re on the mend and feeling better soon.
xo jj
Thanks, Joanna!
I do not believe they have this problem in Canada where one could buy enough Sudafed to keep a certain sick friend and sick friend’s husband from dragging their germ-infested zombie-like bodies into the rancid heart of California’s central valley which doesn’t even have the decency to maintain its status as meth capital of the world. If one wanted, that is. For a small price. Think Twinkies, Margaret. Lots of Twinkies.Â
So um, what’s the exchange rate, exactly, of Sudafed tabs to Twinkies these days?
I feel guilty. Â I must have sneeze on one of those e-mails I sent you. Â What’s with only being able to get 10 Sudafed? Â Â I buy the cheap Rite-Aid brand and can haul hundreds of those puppies out of the store. Â I hope you feel better soon. Â Â
I never know when it’s okay to just get the generic. I’m probably too biased that way.
It’s awesome to know that your sense of humor is alive and well in spite of your other icky symptoms. Looking forward to actually talking to you when you are well!
Thank, man! Hope to see you soon! I gots me some new TV writing books!
I can honk you up…. oops, hook you up…. with my dealer. His name is Tiny. But don’t let the name fool ya. He’s 7 feet tall and has a face only a mother could love. But see, he doesn’t have a mother. No one who would claim him, anyway. And for the love of God, don’t tell him you run a blog with Panties in the name. He’s got a thing for women’s underwear. Just ask for the stuff, throw him fifty bucks and RUN!
“honk you up” – <—- BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  I'll look Tiny up. Get it? Up? Because he's 7 feet tall? Sorry. That stunk.
Awwwww! Poor thing. Please feel better, soon! Sudafed is crazy and it makes me insanely hyper. [Which is just about the LAST thing I need.] However, I love me some Mucinex DM. That stuff is so powerful it should cure cancer.
Ahhhh, so you’re a devoted follower of the Mucinex Monster. 🙂
Only because it really works!
Forget the security measures and use PE, or phenyl ephrine instead. It’s a good decongestant, and does not have that side effect of making you feel all jumpy and will not keep you awake when you are sick and desperately need to sleep (hence it is not suitable as a precursor drug for meth).
I will have to check that out, Barbara. Thanks for the suggestion!
I had NO idea about this. I must be living under a rock.
Get better soon! I am a new follower and am LOVING your Blog!
Cheers!
LuLu
Thank you, Lulu! And welcome! And I think you’re safer under the rock, quite frankly.
Yep, thanks to all those meth labs tucked deep into these hills. Did ya’ll know I live smack in the middle of the Meth Capitol of the World. Not braggin’…just sayin’…..
They’re talkin’ about makin’ our trusted cold and allergy meds prescription only. Now, won’t that be a booger!!!!  Sorry…I truly didn’t intend the pun….guess it just come naturally! :o)
God bless and feel better Hun…now go cozy up with a nice hot cup of tea and a fuzzy blankie!
I was just trying to look up who is the meth capital of the world, and either it’s changing over the years, or several areas claim they are the capital. I just read an article that said the central valley in California was, or that it used to be, until the cops started cracking down (oops, no pun intended there either). 🙂
I hope you feel better soon. It is not good to be sick. The publicist said if you want she will send you some of her chicken soup.
You should try and buy lye in bulk. It is not easy and I need it to my rich soap. It is also used in the production of illegal drugs. Would my cute face be involved in anything illegal – unless it was the removal of AbbyGoat.
It’s a shame that there are so many losers and abusers out there who ruin it for everyone when it comes to trying to live our lives. We have them to thank for impossible-to-open packaging and airport security crap. When are record labels going to stop blaming MP3s and finally discover it’s their freaking packaging that’s slowing sales?
I don’t use Sudafed, but saw them behind the counter where the pharmacists were and asked why (I knew about the meth issue, but I guess I only thought that happened in NYC and not my little town). The pharmacist probably thought I was a dumbass for asking. I was just happy that I never have to go through the strip search for them as she handed me my Ambien.
I’ve never taken Ambien before, but I hear good things. Very good things. And I’ve heard that the Sacramento area, or maybe it’s the California central valley in general is supposed to be one of the meth capitals of the country. Dang, I should have looked that up so i could include that juicy little tidbit in my act. I wonder if it’s too late to change my post.