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How to Talk Like Herman Cain at a Press Conference

The key here is to use former Secretary of State Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld as a role model:

Ask and answer your own questions..
If you want to control the questions you are asked, ask them yourself. It will give the impression that you are answering lots of questions and not actually avoiding them. It will also help reduce the amount of “off the cuff” answers required, thereby reducing the amount of slip-uppage. Remember, you’re the important person who called this conference. Shouldn’t you decide what goes into the papers? Who do these journalists think they are anyway?

Talk down to the media.
It’s all in the tone. Remember, you are condescending to speak to these buffoons. You don’t have time for this crap. You have important businessy things to do. Let them know it in your voice. You know how you talk to 5 year-olds, pipsqueaks and morons? That’s what you need to sound like at a press conference. It really gives you an air of authority and puts you above everyone else.

Act all impatient with the questions from the press.
You are sick and tired of all these inane questions over and over again. How many times do you have to answer them? When are these people going to get it through their thick skulls that your actions should never be questioned? You fail to understand why this issue keeps coming up. You should only have to say it once and be done with it already. The next time they ask you if you’ve done something wrong, just say, “What part of ‘NO’ don’t you understand?” or something equally viewed as ironic to most of the country.

Take the Rummy tactic, but add a twist and make it your own.
For example, maybe take “mistakes were made” a step further. Don’t merely distance yourself from the issue at hand by speaking passively about what was done, maybe done by you, maybe not done by you, who’s to say.  Instead, boldly deny all accusations with sweeping blanket statements, like: “I have never….ever…..made a mistake in my life…..period.” It shows confidence and take charge-iness.

And women like that in a man.

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  1. Toni Blackmore says:


  2. Oh, Margaret, this CRACKED me the hell up!

  3. This is awesome! I find it absolutely mind boggling that he has not slipped in the polls. 

    1. Debby says:

      It is reported here that he has. I did not cry when I heard this. The government has enough powermongers who can’t behave themselves. They don’t need any more.

      I’d call him an old goat, but it’s sure to piss Margaret off.

      1. I’m sorry…what I MEANT to say was that I was surprised that he hasn’t slipped in the polls more than he has. They’re reporting the same thing here…that he has slipped a little bit. I just can’t believe that he hasn’t slipped more. I just read a report that at least women voters seem to be paying attention to this. Calling him an old goat is an insult to goats! LOL

        1. Well, Mommie Dearest, I’m glad you clarified. I thought you were playing along on a joke and being sarcastic. I’m surprised to hear that he hasn’t slipped more either. I’m assuming he will fade away though. The polls change all the time. Sometimes, the real contenders emerge late in the game. Six months from now, I don’t know that anyone will be talking about Herman Something six months from now. See? I’ve already forgotten half his name.

  4. Slommler says:

    Ha!!  You totally cracked me up!!!!
    Good one

  5. Pricilla says:

    When I get tired of the paparazzi I just butt them. It’s highly effective

  6. Myinnercheerleader says:

    Looking forward to Saturday Night Live this weekend.  Cain and Perry have provided some stellar material. 

  7. Annie says:

    Oh, and always speak in the third person. He degrades women and until he stops acting like he’s cock of the block, I can’t take him seriously. 

  8. Anonymous says:

    I’m not sure anything could reduce his amount of slip-uppage.

  9. Oh, like YOU don’t have a special Herman Cain Mocking folder of your own?  🙂

  10. Jayne says:

    Poor Cain.  Everyone’s always picking on him.   “Take charge-iness.”   That’s a good one.

    1. Oh, like YOU don’t have a special Herman Cain Mocking folder of your own?  🙂

      1. Jayne says:

        Every time I start one Rick Perry steals the show.   I think Perry/Cain might be my dream GOP ticket.  Bad for the country, but good for comedy.