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My Barely There Bra Isn’t

When’s the last time your boobs announced themselves as you entered a room?

You too, gals.

I’m here to tell you that when I walk into a room, heads turn. I attract attention, yo. And it’s all because of my new Barely There No Slip Fit® bra.

Unfortunately, it is less because of the way I look and more because of the way I sound.

Because my bra squeaks.

I can’t have noise emanating from my pectoral region in public. It’s like having a toilet paper mouse stuck to your shoe, except that you are totally aware it’s there. You don’t get to walk around the donut shop in blissful ignorance. You can’t slink through the dirty magazine aisle without disrupting all the pimply-faced teenage boys willing the plastic wrap off the July issue of Jugs ‘n’ Thugs.

It doesn’t really squeak like a mouse. It sounds more like a bed spring. A small bed spring. A Barbie Doll Dream House bedspring. If Ken would ever get it up for her, that is.

I have been buying Barely There bras for a long time and they aren’t all trying to have a conversation with every passing stranger, it’s just this No-Slip Fit® type.

Needless to say, my ironically named bra is going back to where it came from.

And if you want to hear my squeaky bra, I made a video. Maybe you can come up with a better comparison than an anatomically impossible toy girl having sex with a gay eunuch toy boy.

Link to Squeaky Bra video on YouTube.

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  1. OMG, this was hysterical! Probably because it’s all too
    relatable. LOL

    I’ve had my share of noisy bras. I’ve also dealt with far
    too many “traveling bras” — the ones that never stay put and must be
    constantly yanked back down into place, ever so discreetly.

    What a big, giant pain in the…pectorals. 😉

    1. And from the late response department….
      So I guess you would have to weigh the benefits and the squeaks to determine if the No Slip Fit bra is right for you.


  2. SOFA KING FUNNY!!! AHAHhahahahhahahahahhahhahhaha

  3. OMG you gave away the secret!!! You can’t show guys how we really take off our bras!!

    Love the “no Sunchips Bag” mention. 

    I totally want a bra that talks. 

    1. Oops! I thought they invented that. With their jock straps or something.

      Yeah, anybody who is anybody thinks of Kathy Junk Drawer when they hear “Sun Chips bag”.

  4. Angela Knutsen says:

    My knees going upstairs…

    I admire your bra removing skills too – could be very handy when changing on the beach.

    1. Your knees? LOL! Not that I should laugh, actually. I creak when I walk now.

  5. lgsquirrel says:

    You know that old saying, “It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease” or “…the oil” or “…the lubrication”.  Seems to fit.

    1. That’s so true. It probably just wanted to be left alone, in some bra warehouse, not getting bothered by human flesh. Or maybe it was a cry for help. Er, a squeak for help. Or something. We’ll never know now.

    2. Theresa Kasel says:

      I think the squeaky wheel gets replaced.

  6. OlgaTTB says:

    Ahem…lemme translate what my poor little cousin, Barely, (twice removed, on my mother’s side,) was trying to tell you: “Holy cow it’s HOT in here!…*gasp!*…not sure I can hold up much longer…take me off before I snap!” 
    Oh wait…maybe you DO understand bra-speak?  🙂 

    1. Oh, Olga! I should have known you two’d be related! Barely was probably jealous of you and was simply auditioning so that she, too, could “take it on the road.”

  7. Random Chick says:

    Oh. Em. Gee. You totally need to start your own YouTube channel and do a whole show about stuff…squeaky bras, dentist visits, senior restaurants. The possibilities are endless! You have a presence that people want to see! Especially when you take your bra off!!!

    1. I think you might be on to something there. For my next trick, I’ll take my underwear off while still wearing pants!

  8. Magpie says:

    Nicely done. My husband still doesn’t understand that trick of taking off your bra without taking off your shirt.

    1. It one of the first things you learn in life. Don’t they give out badges for that in Girl Scouts?

  9. This is better than the cards with the built in microchips that play Happy Birthday or, in this case, Girls Just Want to Have Fun.  Really, do NOT take this back for a refund.  In fact, equip the feminine universe with these.  New theme: I Am Woman, Here Me Squeak.  

    1. HAHAHA!!!!!  Here me squeak. I love that.  If it wasn’t already in the mail, I would have had second thoughts about sending it back because you have a great point there.

  10. No, it’s no Sun Chips bag and thank God for that! Can you imagine? Yeah, I’d totally return that too. Even if no one could hear it (or would admit to hearing it), it would bother me for 10 hours every day. Surely I would drive off a cliff.

    You know, maybe I would like my boobs to have some kind of grand entrance when I walk in a room. Maybe a drumroll and cymbals? Too much?

    1. If I could have linked to your post when I mentioned that, I would have because it’s your video that I was thinking of. Obviously.

  11. It sounds like you are wrapped in plastic wrap, probably leading to insensitive questions you don’t want to answer.  I don’t think you can call something Barely There when it is so blatantly THERE.

    1. Plastic wrap is a GREAT description for whats going on in there. Or “There”.

  12. Nicky says:

    Ah, now I understand why the boys at Leave It To Beaver didn’t want you giving up your stripper job. What grace, what fluidity, what style! I could almost hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” playing in the background.

    1. You mean my day job? Yeah. I still got it goin’ on.

      Leave It To Beaver? You kill me.

  13. literaryfoodie says:

    Don’t they test these things out before they spring them on the unsuspecting public?   At least you got to make a great video out of it and will surely get a laugh from all the comments.  Did you get a peak at the videos to watch next on Youtube?  Pretty classic. 

    1. I did see a lot of boobs in the sidebar. 🙂

  14. Jayne says:

    I’ve never heard of such a thing.   That is truly bizarre.   I can’t imagine the cacophony a roomful of women wearing those things would create.  

    1. Like cicadas, that would be.

      1. Jayne says:

        OMG.  Now that’s a picture.  Thanks for “exposing” this menace.

  15. Nezzy says:

    Yep girl, ya nailed that sucker right into the fencepost!!!  Definitely a little action on those Ken and Barbie bed springs!!!   Heeehehehe!!!

    Great strippin’ skills sista’.  :o)

    Have  a quietly blessed day!!!

  16. Ha ha! Me thinks you’ve had practice at removing your bra surreptitiously  🙂

    1. Well now, whatever would give you that idea? 😉

  17. Pricilla says:

    I just let my udders swing free.
    Swing free for all to see.
    But sadly since I am an old goat
    They also swing low
    Swing low like an old ‘ho

    1. “like an old ‘ho” <— HA!

  18. Beth Ann says:

    Oh my goodness—you have skills, sister!!!  Taking that bra off for all of YouTube to see and so gracefully!!!  I am in awe!  And yes—I heard it before you got up and jiggled close to the mic—-I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to wear such a musical bra!!!!  🙂  Thanks for another laugh!!!

    1. Maybe I should teach a workshop: Blogging and Bra Removal 101.  And wow, I wasn’t sure if you could hear it that far away from the camera. Holy crikey!