Dear Willie and Katie,
As you’ve no doubt heard, I’ve been embroiled in a huge scandal of my own here in the 916, the hotbed of Yankee gossip, and it is with great sorrow that I am unable to attend your royal wedding.
In the highly unlikely event that you have not heard about it, I just want to say in my own defense, that it was not my fault. The gravestones have been there for centuries and what’s a little pee in the big scheme of things?
I would also like to apologize, Katie, for yanking your hair in the 3rd grade. I was jealous of your lustrous mane back then and I’m finally willing to admit it. And yes, it was I who made out with your long-necked hippie boyfriend, Nigel, 12 years ago, but that too was a jealousy thing.
I hope that my introducing you to my good buddy Willie will more than make up for that. And no, I’m not jealous of you now because who in their right mind would want to marry a Prince, anyway? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not like girls grow up reading fairy tales and playing with Barbie dolls, paving the long road of unrealistic expectations.
And Willie, not only am I over you, I wish you and Katie a good, overly-long, scone-filled, many-babied marriage. And don’t worry, what happens at Stonehenge stays at Stonehenge. I know when to keep my trap shut. Besides, I’ve moved on. By the way, would you ask your brother why he’s not returning my texts?
As I said, I would come if I could, but I can’t. I wish you two the best. As you swap spit and nuptials on Friday, I only ask that you think of me.
Sorry this is such short notice and all, but you can just give my front pew seat to that wanker, Princess What’s-her-butt, you know, the one with the fake blue talons?
Long Live The Queen,
Margaret
I took your advice. http://doorinface.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/wills-and-kate-the-secret-place-theyll-stay-on-their-us-visit/
Oh, yeah, I’m actually RELATED to the prince and somehow my invitation got lost too. No one wanted the American cousin there!
What? You mean like, related-related? Like a shoestring cousin? An illegitimate sister? OMG spill it, woman!
Well, I don’t like to brag BUT since the wedding has everyone’s attention and I think that belongs to me anyway, here goes. My father’s, father’s, father’s, uncle’s, cousin’s, brother’s, nephew was the youngest son of English nobility. Sadly, he had no claim to titles or cash and wound up in debtor’s prison. Because England wanted more room in her jails, she began shipping debtors to America, mostly the swampy, crappy parts of America. So, my ancestors changed from being British to American which was probably for the best since family records show they preferred coffee to tea but weren’t allowed to drink it at home for fear of raising scandal. When you dig through the documents (and I don’t but more boring members of my family do) you can trace us back quite a long way. Turns out Prince William and I are distant cousins. Can you believe he won’t even friend me on Facebook? Oh, who am I kidding? Some of my first cousins won’t even friend me on Facebook.
That… is awesome, and totally worth blogging about, if you haven’t already, and almost exactly with the same tone and style you did here. Sorry – I shouldn’t tell you HOW to blog, it’s just my suggestion and I am, after all, soon to be a self-proclaimed authority on the matter. But seriously, this would make a very interesting post. In my humble opinion.
I had the same thought (to blog about this subject in a similar style) after I wrote it and I thank you very much for your suggestion and input. I’m still new at this and welcome any guidance anyone is kind enough to give, particularly an authority. (Is there any kind that’s NOT self proclaimed?)
Found your blog via Twitter and I’m in HEAVEN! Thanks for the laughs!
Thank you, Nora! That’s so awesome of you to say!
You are welcome! It’s hard to find a blog that’s truly funny and I’m glad I found yours!
http://xrl.us/bh8tjk
I’m so jealous of you… I would have gone in your place had I known you were invited!!
Did you watch it? Who is it with the blue talons?
I would love nothing more than to watch people enjoy the lifestyle that I want myself.
I hope she likes bald men because he is almost there. Not that anything is wrong with that.
“what happens at Stonehenge stays at Stonehenge” hahahaha! 😀
Most original and clever take on all the Royal Wedding stuff I’ve seen. This is why you deserve to win the Sacramento blogging contest. Good stuff, my friend. 🙂
Thank you, Jayne. 🙂
Most original and clever take on all the Royal Wedding stuff I’ve seen. This is why you deserve to win the Sacramento blogging contest. Good stuff, my friend. 🙂
Gee, if ya did go what would a Nanny Goat in Panties wear to a bloomin’ royal hitchin’??? Just askin’………..
Have a fun day sweeite! :o)
Heck if I know. So much for trying to proclaim myself as an anglophile. Beyond Doctor Who, Monty Python, and AbFab, I’m completely lost.
I think you are being regally understanding and such courtesy! I’m truly impressed Margaret. Frankly, I’d rather boink Harry too.
Ha! Yeah, I definitely see you as more of a Harry boinker.
it just won’t be the same without you
Well, thanks, Terena. After all this hullaballoo blows over, I may just join them on their honeymoon. It’s only right, I think.
Have you seen the parody of the wedding that up on youtube? It’s so funny!
No! Show me!
Harumph!
i was not even invited and you would think that as a FAMOUS SpokesGoat I would have made the list.
I would look lovely in a fascinator too!
Unless I ate it.
See? I should not have been invited, because I don’t know what a fascinator is. Is that something beef eaters wear?
It is those small feathered things that Kate is so fond of wearing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fascinator
I am a very erudite goat
Hey wow, those are kind of cool.
See? Erudite. That is another word I have to go look up now.
I am a font of useless information.
I’m a damn smart goat too. The publicist reads too much for her own good.
But you WILL be watching this LIVE on television. Right?
We’ll see. I would have to not go to bed because it comes on at like 3AM – ack!!!!
It starts at 4am over here, otherwise known as ‘Prime Time’ for Meleah.
(Pssst, the proof-reader here: “By the way, would [you] ask your brother”)
(Pssst, the proof-reader here: “By the way, would [you] ask your brother”)
Holy crap! (Thanks, man! I appreciate that.)