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April 22, Top Five Earth Day Tips and Tricks

April 22, Earth Day, is upon us once again. Gawd, it’s beginning to feel like every day is Earth Day. Recycle this. Conserve that. Doesn’t this big beautiful planet deserve more of our attention and care so that our children and our children’s children have a decent place to live?

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Ha! As if.

So anyway, you’re probably here to pick up some Earth Day tips, aren’t you. You have decided to suck it up and help save the planet. For one day. Good for you. You’ve come to the right place. Or not, what do I know?

Here is a list of eco-friendly tips and ideas to then brag about afterwards because you’re not sacrificing your jumbo super-size extra-piggy consumer ways simply to feel good about yourself. No – you want everyone to know about it because when it comes to saving the stupid world, humility is simply out of the question.

So, shall we move on to the list?

Earth Day Tips and Tricks

Buy Local Foods

This means you can’t shop in the Wal-Mart grocery aisle, the Super Target grocery aisle or half of Costco. In other words, try a farmer’s market for once in your life. So what if costs five times as much to shop there? If it’s that bad, just go to your cheap ass store the following day when no one can give you grief because Earth Day will be over by then.

Car Pool

This means having to put up with Freaky Freddie on the way to work, AS WELL AS on the way home. This is your chance to really get to know the one guy you’ve been avoiding for the past eight years. Ask him if it’s true that he was really abducted by aliens and nearly pecked to death by zoo ducks.

Personally, my shoes and I usually take a limo to work.

limo interior, car pool, earth day

But on Earth Day, I’ll pick you up! Who needs a ride?

Turn Out the Lights

Try to do this every time you leave a room. Of course, the management at Walmart might take issue with it, but this is your opportunity to lecture those corporate fat cats on the size of their electricity bill and fair trade products and organic foods.

Plus, you have to do something to make up for the fact that you are shopping in Walmart on Earth Day, even after I just told you not to. Just remember that from then on you’ll have to wear a baseball cap and fake beard to enter their store, lest they recognize you from their Banned Shopper & Shoot On Sight List.

Conserve water

Some people suggest that you set a limit on your shower, or take a navy shower where you turn the water off while you’re soaping up. I say, just skip that whole silly bathing ritual altogether. Bam! Your bath water usage for the day just went down to zero! Don’t you feel good about that?

Go Paperless

For one day, I’d love not having to deal with paper dolls, paper tigers and paper mache fireplace salesmen. If everyone told two friends and they told two friends and so on and so on, we could just about guarantee ourselves no violent confrontation with these abusive weirdos on this planet’s most sacred day.


Now, there are some people out there who for some reason believe that you can incorporate many earth-friendly actions all the time every day nonstop 24/7, but that’s just crazy talk and don’t you believe it for a minute.

Meanwhile, here in Sacramento, Earth Day is celebrated on April 23rd and it’s free, which sounds a day late and a dollar short, but whatever.


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  1. I’m a day late reading your tips for the rest of the country, but for you crazy California kids, I’m right on time!! (You guys are strange…)
    Thanks for all these tips anyway, now I can go back to my wasteful ways. What’s with the crazy-talk about wanting to do this stuff EVERY day??? Must have been started by one of you Californians… huh?

  2. I’m a day late reading your tips for the rest of the country, but for you crazy California kids, I’m right on time!! (You guys are strange…)
    Thanks for all these tips anyway, now I can go back to my wasteful ways. What’s with the crazy-talk about wanting to do this stuff EVERY day??? Must have been started by one of you Californians… huh?

  3. Cjunk says:

    Some people will be grossed out, but I learned this during the big drought in the 70’s and just keep doing it – but not when I have guests over!
    I conserve water by flushing my toilet after every other pee.

  4. Your tips are so useful!! I”m gonig to walk around with my flamethrower on Earth Day, to ensure my day stays paperless. I feel better about myself already!

    1. Ha! A flamethrower. Dang I wish I’d thought of that. That’s awesome.

  5. Jayne says:

    The most local way to eat is to grow a veggie garden. You don’t need a lot of land. You can grow most things in pots on a porch or balcony. Thanks for presenting some good ideas though in your wonderfully humorous way. And I voted for you!

  6. Nezzy says:

    Woohoo for farmers markets…they have the freshest best produce ever!!! Hey, while your out and about could ya swing by the Ponderosa and take me into Tiny Town for my hair appointment? It’s time for the monthly maintenance! Nice ride!

    Have a wonderful spring day sweetie!

    Oh, BTW…Happy Easter giveaway over at my place, ya’ll come! :o)

  7. And here I’d actually forgotten about Earth Day. Thanks a lot, Margaret, for bringing it up so I could feel all guilty! And for the record… I refuse to give up my toilet paper just to save trees on Earth Day. So there! But I will take a ride to work in your swell limo. (Are free drinks included?)

  8. Pricilla says:

    I am good to the earth every day. I give it my poop. My poop is very rich and it makes things grow. Which I eat and then make more poop.
    I am a pooping machine

  9. Timmy Boyle says:

    What?! There’s an Earth Hour…AND an Earth Day!? Man…living on Earth is becoming quite a burden.

  10. I definitely need a ride. You and your shoes can pick me up any time, in that limo!

    1. Ha! That picture actually happened in Chicago BlogHer when they called “the car” for me at the hotel. All they had was this ridiculous stretch limo to get back to the airport. It was my very first limo ride ever and it had to be like that?

      1. That’s pretty awesome if you ask me!

  11. Ginger says:

    Limo to work? No kiddin NG(all pun intended). Come by and pick me dear Earth watcher.
    As for me, I intend to destroy as many trees as possible printing my assignment, go Tesco shopping and leave my lights on all day and have me a leisurely soak. I’m a rebel without a cause yeah!

    1. Yes, and I’ll be paying 49 dollars a gallon and driving twelve thousand miles to get to you (or however far it is – I think I’m closer to right in the price of gas than the distance between us) 🙂

      1. Ginger says:

        Uh uh, I want your bank account green pleease. Okay, you can e-limo drive me.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Love it! I already don’t bathe but once every other month so I’m doing my part. Seriously I am one of those freaks who try to do everything every day, however, I haven’t given up my humor. I think humor is one thing that should not be conserved but recycled as much as possible.

    1. Junebug, that’s one of the wisest things I’ve heard. Particularly regarding earth day. Bless you, my child.

  13. Jan says:

    I need a ride to the DMV, Sonic, Wendy’s, Taco Bell and Jimmy’s Subs. Oh, yeah – the kid will have to come along too, since he’s the one taking the driver’s test and applying for jobs. Just get your limo and purple shoes over here.

    1. Crikey! Thassa lotta drive-thrus, lady. Will you be wanting fries with all that?