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My Kingdom for a Newspaper (and other exclamations)

The last time my name made the papers was when a local bridge troll and I partnered up on an international spy ring involving a rare Chinese grasshopper and some yellow Legos. That grumpy old cuss took me places and I’ll never love another wart-infested weed-dweller like that again.

So I wake up the other day to a little Google alert that The Sacramento Bee is talking about Nanny Goats in Panties. And as I’m totally bragging about it on Facebook, some people start reporting that they saw it “on the front page” (of the Living Here section) of the actual paper. Like, the paper paper.

I know!

So I run over to the nearest Safeway, a grocery store on University and Howe Aves., which is sort of an abbreviation of all the other Safeways in Sacramento, a Safeway-Lite, if you will, and grab a paper.

And I come home and I can’t find any reference to NGIP. Crap! I start asking everybody on Facebook where they see it, are they sure it’s Monday’s paper and not the Sunday paper. They insist it’s Monday’s paper. I go low-tech and call a friend using an actual phone (a landline, no less) and lo and behold discover that I’m on the front page of the D section and the paper I have contains only sections A through C and do you know what I thought of?

That’s right, Confessions of a Cashier. One of my favorite blogs written by a convenience store employee who complains about the customers. She wrote a post, shaking her fists at us, asking us, God, and for the love of all that is holy, why do people refuse to take the top newspaper? Oh how I wanted to jump through cyberspace and say, “This is why!!!”

So I went back to Safeway, you know, home of the abbreviated stuff, like newspapers. Turns out, all papers were missing the last 3 sections. I told the cashier about it and she gave me a refund of 72 cents, which I wasn’t expecting, but turns out to be very fortuitous. I’m walking out of the store wondering why she only gave me 72 cents and assumed maybe they don’t charge the full 75 cent newsstand price (because they are Safeway-Lite), but I’ll bet the Starbucks next door does, which means I’ll be actually paying three more cents for a paper today. Such is the price of fame.

I walked next door to Starbucks. Same thing. “Yeah,” says the barista, “the papers are messed up today”. What??? Today of all days?

I’m in the freakin’ paper and half the city will never know! You cannot know the overblownwhelming sense of travesty I felt at that moment.

I climbed back into my car and drove right past La Bou Bakery on Howe Ave., which has newspaper boxes out front because, what if I put in my 75 cents and they are also missing the last three sections? Now we’re talking about payingΒ  $1.50 for a 75 cent paper, and frankly, I don’t know if fame is worth $1.50. So I drove on to Peet’s Coffee and guess what? Yep. Missing the last three sections.

You know what this means, right? It means that my brand new arch nemesis, Marc Valdez, who approached me in person at a function last week to label me as such, is conspiring against me because I stuffed the ballot box when I asked you guys in last week’s post to click over to the Sacramento Top 25 . Clearly, he is trying to destroy me by going to every rack in town and removing the last three sections of the paper, right? I mean, come on…I’m on the front page of Section D and the paper JUST SO HAPPENS to stop at the last page of Section C? Like Agent Gibbs says on NCIS, “I don’t believe in coincidences”.

Figuring I should get off of Howe Ave. and cross some neighborhood delivery route demarcation line, I drove across the American River to my old stand-by (another Starbucks) where I was greeted by familiar faces and “haven’t seen you in a long time”-type comments. I made a beeline for the Bee and cue the hallelujah chorus because the whole paper was there.

And I bemoaned to the employees and another lady customer about how my blog was featured in the paper and everywhere I turned, Section D was missing, and the other lady customer asks me what my blog is so she could read about it in her paper at home and I showed her right where to look.

NGIP, rihanna, and brandi in the Sacramento Bee

A closer look, because I know you, you’ll say I’m making this whole thing up:

sacbee blog of the week

NGIP is Blog of the Week - woo hoo!

I start digging through my purse for my wallet and the Starbucks guy (who I swear is the spitting image of Ralph Fiennes and I’ve told him this before and he just doesn’t see it) says while thumbing over his shoulder to another employee, “you know he works for the Bee” and we get into this whole conversation about inserts and home deliveries vs. rack deliveries and he’s gonna call someone to find out what happened because he knows the guy who delivers to Safeway-Lite, and I’m still digging through my purse (which by the way is a total justification for carrying small purses as blogged about very recently by Kathy of the Junk Drawer in her post entitled The Purse Curse ) until I realize I’ve got only two or three things in there and none of them is my wallet.

You’re probably wondering about now, at least the quicker of you are, how I paid for the first newspaper if I didn’t have my wallet with me. Well, aren’t you the observant one? The thing is, I did indeed have my wallet with me the first time I went to Safeway-Lite, but my wallet–his name is Wally, I suppose your wallet’s name is better than that?–is afraid of the dark and he hopped out of my purse while I wasn’t looking and I took off the second time without him, but anyway, back in Starbucks…

I throw the back of my hand to my forehead and cry out that I left Wally at home, and then proceed to dig around some more in case I have coins floating around which I of course must have because Safeway-Lite just handed me… 72 cents.

Well, call me Blanche DuBois because the other customer lady asked me how much money I needed because there was no way I was walking out of there without a paper. I dug around and scooped up all the coins in my purse and an errant dime must have found its way in there because I pulled out…82 cents. (And this would be the fortuitous part where as you may or may not recall, I was driving past La Bou Bakery earlier, contemplating checking a newspaper sales box (Vending machine? Dispenser? What do you call those things?)

I profusely thanked the stranger woman for offering and I totally blew an awesome PR opportunity to give her one of my new awesome gel pens that I recently ordered, did I tell you guys about it? They come in individual wrappers and are New and Improved over my last pens because they are Pilot G-2 gel pens and they write in purple ink and they are awesome and I didn’t think about it because I am Blanche DuBois and I’m selfish, thinking of no one but myself in a crisis. I could have spread goodwill through my new awesome pens, because I had one of THOSE in my purse.

ngip purple pen

Behold, the NGIP pen.

I came home, opened the paper and reveled in the fact that I’m on the same page as Rihanna and Brandi and wondered how many people in Sacramento will never know that the Bee’s Blog of the Week is Nanny Goats in Panties.

So for those of you that subscribe to The Bee, be sure and line your bird cages with Monday’s page D1 so that Polly or Fido or whatever that clump of feathers you call a bird’s name is, can read all about me while he or she sits on the can.

– – – – –

P.S. By the way, if you do happen to check out the Bee article about NGIP online, feel free to leave a comment – it might make them think I’m somebody. Somebody who depends on the kindness of strangers, anyway.

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  1. Cheri_pryor says:

    Look at you all famous and stuff. Congratulations!!! For the record I can't even tell you the last time I read a newspaper. *shame* I find everything on the internet more truthfull anyway. *more shame*

  2. OMG! This is sofa king excitingly awesome!!

    1. sofa king excitingly awesome? Did you just make that up? Cuz I want to use that sometime. πŸ™‚

      1. Of course you can use that. And yes, I just made that up as I typed it!

  3. Congratulations! The “real” paper noticed you! I, too, would have driven to every news outlet looking for copies to send to my family and friends.

    1. Well of course, we BOTH would. I mean how often does something like happen to us?

  4. oooh i like the new pens! and pilot G-2 gel pens are THE pens of the future. you are so cutting edge!

    1. As I live and breathe – man it's nice to see you over here! I hope things are going good with you!

  5. Julie Baugh says:

    I could not find any way of contacting you so hope you do not mind it being this way. I have given you a Versatile Blogger award. Plse see my blog at for details.

    You can copy the award from my blog to display on your own.

    Best wishes


    1. Thank you, Julie! I humbly accept this award and thank you for thinking of NGIP.

  6. CatLadyLarew says:

    Congrats on making the front page and even bigger congrats on tracking down the D section and finding the spare change to buy it! (Love Jayne's description of you as a heat seeking missle!) Just don't let any goats eat the paper now that you finally got it!

    But, seriously… Does this mean my original NGIP pen is more valuable now? A collector's item, perhaps?

    1. Let me just say this: Hold on to your original limited edition of the NGIP pen because I'm fairly certain that it is WAY more valuable now that the mold has been broken. Also? I can certainly send you a new faboo purple pen if you want. Just send me your snail mail addy again via email.

      1. Oh! And thank you for your very kinds words over at The Bee!

  7. Christine says:

    Hehe, you had me rolling with all the hoops and paper kiosk thingys you had to go through to finally see your name in print! You are supremely funny.
    And even though I'm from PA, I signed up with the Bee just so I could comment on your post. You totally are somebody! A huge Congrats on your feature!

    1. Paper kiosk!! Is that what they're called? Or did you just make that up? Because it's way better than what I came up.

      Thanks for the complimentary words. And thank you for clicking all those extra buttons to comment on The Bee!

      1. Christine says:

        I totally made it up. But, if it's the right word…then I totally knew it.

  8. Jenny Beans says:

    My wallets name is Pinky, which is a perfectly good name for a wallet, I say. Congratulations on making the paper, and what a fantastic adventure you had to endure to hold that thing in your hands! Real life… you just can't make this stuff up.

    1. Pinky is a way more original name for a wallet than Wally. But that's what I get for letting my ferret name my wallet – they aren't the most creative animals.

  9. Anymommy says:

    I don't know how you made a suspense thriller out of that story, but you kind of did. I was reading on, breathless, needing to know if you got your paper and you were in it. Congratulations!!

    1. Yes, I'm hoping to secure the movie rights on this adventure very soon. I
      wrote this role with Colin Ferrell or Betty White specifically in mind.

  10. Ginger says:

    Its belated but Congratulations NGIP! I was chuffed to bits reading this. and so happy you got to see the paper at least.
    You see, a pix of yours truly at an event as a fashionista-if only they knew- was in a local glossy and I spent $2 dollars-no refunds on the wrong mag (I mixed up the Mag name). I did get to find out that the real mag costs $4. Prudence won. Vanity lost.

    And just to make sure you get to the top again..I'm off to vote @bushwhacked….

    1. Oh no! That totally bites! I'm sorry you lost yourself there for a minute. πŸ™

      And thank you for the congrats and for the vote – you rock!

      1. Ginger says:

        “lost myself there for a minute” lol.
        NGIP you 've got a way with words..I want to be like you when I grow up

  11. Ruth says:

    You are a riot. I should probably be cleaning my kitchen or interacting with my children or something, but instead I'm sitting here reading your blog because I can't stop. How do you have time to read and respond to all these comments? Isn't fame a bitch? So I've heard.
    Anyway it was great meeting you last night. Everyone was so friendly and with none of that “everybody here knows each other so they have no reason to speak to me” awkwardness that–as you point out in a different post–can often occur at “mixers” when you don't know anyone.
    Also, I feel incredibly privileged to have my own NGIP purple pen, after I only just met you. Rest assured, it will be put to good use.

    1. Thank you, Ruth. Actually, I don't have time to read and respond to all my comments. I have minions do all that. That reminds me, I have to hire some new minions because my current ones are all getting the sack today. I find they ramble on and on in the comments sections and leave a tremendous smell and I just can't have that. The rambling, I mean.

      But seriously, it was very nice to meet you and I look forward to seeing you at the next writer's thing.

  12. Loulou La Poule says:

    Congratulations, Sugar! Hardworking chick like you deserves a little fame, even if you have to print and distribute Section D yourself. We are requesting our copy from the Bee and plan to add it to the one-of-a-kind coop wall collage with which we're papering the Brooding Room. We'll be following the rising arc of your fame!

    1. Thank you, Loulou. If you wait a week, I think The Bee will just send you all their leftovers for free and with leaving out section D for so many, you'll have a lifetime supply.

      [Note to The Bee: Yes, I'm kidding.]

  13. Nezzy says:

    …..and a star is born. Congratulations!!! Why the heck Brandi and Rihenna got top billing-I'll never know. I'm not suppose to be doin' anything 'till I heal up from these dang shingles I've been fightin' now for over two months but I'm miss all my wonderful blogsisters. So shhhhhhh….don't tell…I was never here. Typing under the radar here. Heeehehehe!

    Ya'll have a glorious summer day! :o)

    1. Aww, Nezzy, I'm so sorry you're still suffering from that awful stuff. I
      hope you heal quickly, dear! And don't worry, mum's the word. You were never
      here. *winkwink* πŸ™‚

  14. You are famous!!! That is so awesome! I can't believe the whole story that goes with it… the fact that you are in the paper and they didn't even have that section everywhere you went… WOW!

    1. I know! It's the stuff movies are made of. Big Summer blockbusters starring
      Angelina Jolie as Nancy Gates, the struggling but wicked beautiful humor
      blogger, who races against time to track down a newspaper thieving ring that
      is a front for an international espionage conglomerate and she has to write
      the best blog post ever and save the world. It's quite harrowing.

  15. I was the first blog mentioned and didn't know they were going to do it. That has its blessings, because it has saved me months and months of checking to see when MY turn would come. But, it also caused me great distress, because I'm an actual Bee subscriber – and I missed it entirely. And, the Books and Media is my favorite section. So, how did I read that section and not see myself? You know you have chemo-brain when you don't even see your own blog in the newspaper.

    One of the secretaries from another school called me to tell me she'd seen it, that's how I found out. And, rather than thinking, “hey, I'm famous” I started thinking, “Great. Now the entire district will know I have cancer.”

    Except, I forgot, most school employees don't read the newspaper, and gossip travels so fast they knew anyway.

    Good story, Margaret. πŸ™‚

    1. No, I totally get that. I would have missed seeing my own name if I
      subscribed. Bu tbecause I don't, I couldn't find a darn paper fast enough.
      Congrats on your own day!

      And why don't school employees read the paper? Is that odd? Or is that

      1. Well, I don't know ALL school employees. πŸ™‚ I can't answer your question – every time I say, “did you see in the paper….” the answer is no.

        Maybe people just don't want to talk to me. )

        1. HAHA!!!
          I mean, Awwwww…….I'm sure that's not true.
          (sorry but you cracked me up there)

  16. Dude. Are you going to BlogHer? If so, I'm going to tackle you for one of those pens.

    1. Hi Kim!! I'm so going to BlogHer! And I'm adding you to my list of people I know that are going to ensure we see each other. And you can tackle me if you want, but I will gladly give you a pen without all that extra effort. I mean, unless you want the exercise or something.

  17. Susan says:

    I saw it online! and meant to send big clap claps your way but got distracted cuz this medium is so dang full of stuff and yay!!! you got hard copy! whoooohooo!!! Congratulations, for real : )

    1. Thanks, Susan! Thanks for big clap claps!

  18. Jenny says:

    OK … first of all, CONGRATULATIONS! You totally deserve each and every accolade and surely this is only the start. Then I must add I so dig the oblique reference to Tennessee Williams, Blanche being one of my favorite figures in literature since I too must depend constantly on the kindness of strangers. Why, once a kind man in a parking lot offered to show me his vanload of coffins, and I think it was just because I was wearing a pretty dress and having the vapors a la Blanche. But anyway.

    I totally must have some IHATH pens! I know just how to order! You have inspired me beyond words today! I have a card but it's got to be pens! Thanks Margaret! Also I must say I relate to your tearing around town looking for your name in newsprint. I was recently published in a local free paper (not the real paper) and although it seems like every time I wasn't in it I could find gazillions of them just lying around, when I was in them I couldn't find a single issue. I called the publisher and whined and they sent me ONE copy or I never would've seen my name in ink. Then a kind friend saw some out and about and sent over five more copies, and I gave one to my mother but now I don't know what to do with the rest. I don't have a bird.

    So I feel your angst and I knew the whole time I was reading that you would prevail but it was so exciting to read about.

    NGiP forever!

    1. Vanload of coffins? Boy, that paints a nice picture and with adding your Blanche vapors…what a scene, man!

      Yes, you must have pens. Pens are awesome. Pens fill a need for those who obsess like me over office supplies. If you want a recommendation I can tell you the 2 places I've used so far that have worked well.

  19. sheilasultani says:

    YEA!!!! Congratulations – very cool!!

  20. Janiss says:

    Congratulations on the blurb! Only figures you've have to scour all of Sacramento to find it.

    1. Thanks, Janiss! I know, hundred of thousands of papers out there and I start my search in the exact wrong place.

  21. I'm all a flutter after reading this. I must catch my breath because this was so exciting!!!! Even better than you being on the front page of the D section with Brandi and Rihanna is the fact that I HAVE ONE OF THOSE PENS!!! Actually I still have two but that's a story for a different time. I've said it before somewhere, when I grow up I want to be just like NGIP.

    1. HA! OK, now I need to hear that story!

  22. Surfie says:

    Hooray for finally finding section D, and for being in a Starbucks with a nice lady who was going to lend you money! I love your NGIP pens! And purple ink? Awesome. I want one!

    1. Email me with your snail mail address and I'll happily send you one! (margaret at mydomainname dot com)

  23. Nicky says:

    Congratulations Margaret! That's really awesome and much deserved. Please don't forget us little people now that you've hit the big time πŸ™‚

    1. Oh, now you know I wouldn't even be in the big time without my illustrious fans. πŸ™‚

  24. DrowseyMonkey says:

    Congrats! That's very impressive!! πŸ™‚

  25. SueAnn says:

    Ha! Your trip around town to get this paper has me exhausted!!!!!! But congrats on your article!! That is super!!

    1. I should have thought to serve refreshments with today's reading. πŸ™‚

  26. Paul says:

    Congratulations, Margaret, you deserve it πŸ™‚

  27. Linda R. says:

    Congratulations on getting newspaper recognition – that's fantastic. Sad, though, about missing sections in so many papers. I'm glad you finally got a copy.

    Great pen! Those Pilot G-2's are my husband's favorites.

    1. This is an open invitation to anybody who actually see this, but Linda, I can send you both a pen if you send me your snail mail address to my email address.
      (margaret at nannygoatsinpanties dot com)

  28. cardiogirl says:

    Congratulations — what an awesome honor! I'm positive I would have washed dishes at Starbuck's to pay for the paper. I definitely would have mopped the floor.

    Now on to those incredible purple gel pens. Where could a gal get somethin' like that? A girl who absolutely loves the color purple. Actually, a girl whose blog sports the color purple.

    Because if I ever ran into that gal it would be nice to give her one of those pens. I'm a Girl Scout Leader; I like to be prepared for all situations.

    Congrats again!

    1. Aw, thanks, Cardiogirl. So Girl Scouts are supposed to be prepared like Boy Scouts? And I wish I'd thought to wash the dishes for a paper, but no, apparently that thought didn't enter my mind. What am I? Too good to do the dishes? Maybe given another minute or two thinking I didn't have any money would have done it.

      And if you want a pen, I will gladly send you one! Just send your snail mail address to my email address (margaret at nannygoatsinpanties dot com.)

  29. I'm ultra-jealous.

    But I think why those sections were missing is because that's all that people wanted to read about: you, you and more you. Personally, I know I would if I lived in Sacramento. πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you for your jealousy, UR. That means a lot. πŸ™‚

      1. My jealousy usually means a lot to others as well. So I'm glad I could help your ego.

  30. Pricilla says:

    Did you have too much coffee while you where in Starbucks searching through the bottom of your endless pit of a purse for change?

    Just askin'

    I would gladly eat your article if that paper were delivered here. Then I would poop it out and have the publicist enshrine it for you.

    I'll bet that is the only offer of that kind you will get today.


    1. Bwa-hahaha!!!! Pricilla, you kill me. And I can't begin to thank you enough for your offer of an enshrined pooped paper. What an awesome conversation piece THAT would make at parties.

  31. Momma Drama says:

    Congrats on getting in the paper! That's awesome! You so deserve it πŸ™‚ I love your blog and the random photos of goats!! Off to post on the Sacramento Connect…

    1. Thanks, Momma Drama! I really appreciate that.

  32. VioletSky says:

    Why have I not been reading your blog regularly?
    Maybe my stomach muscles could not endure the laughter inducing pain.

    I just had to comment here because I deliver newspapers (far, far away from your town) and the number of times some of us have been tempted to just not insert… we don't get paid for doing it and it takes a lot of time, yada yada yada. But, then I think of the charges levied against the carrier for any and all complaints of an incomplete/wet/damaged paper.

    If you were a revengeful sort, you could call up the distribution number and complain about all the papers missing those inserts.

    1. It doesn't seem fair to make the deliverers assemble the paper. I mean, aren't there machines or robots for that? Plus, things like pilot error and yada yada yada could result in an incomplete paper. Thank you for commenting and may your delivery days be fruitful and less time-consuming.

  33. Cashier says:

    Woohoo congrats! Okay, you may have a point about the top newspaper, but I keep guard over our newspapers to make sure no customers steal the sections out of them. πŸ™‚

    1. Ha! I SO thought of you immediately when that happened. But then the wind was blown out of my sails when it came to pass that they were delivered that way.

  34. I am so glad you got your complete paper. Thrilled actually! Because my son John is in New York, and his wife (although I love her) tends to be a flibbergibbit and could not figure out why I was talking about nanny goats in panties. Well, she has 4 kids (no pun intended) so go figure! I love knowing famous people Margaret. Now if you were just rich too, huh?

    1. Oh, but I AM rich. I have people like YOU in my life!

      1. You are one cool woman, Margaret!

        1. I just saw your comment over at The Bee. I love that you're trying to get me a job there – now they're going to think you're a plant and that I sent you over there to help me regain employment. πŸ™‚

          1. Oh they will not, Margaret. Besides, you should do a column for them because then I can make my kids jealous that I know somebody famous and they really don't.

  35. Jayne says:

    You're like a heat-seeking missile when you're on a mission! I love it! Congratulations. Rock stars come and go but NGIP is forever.

    1. Ha! I was a little obsessed about this mission. Thanks for the immortality comment. πŸ™‚

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