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Mind Your Own Business, Gmail!

Have you ever had one those little things on your face? You know, those long sticky grayish turquoise things that just sort of dangle around for days and nobody says anything until one day the cat starts batting at it while you’re trying to watch Real Housewives of Deliverance and the next thing you know, Fluffy has managed to wrap this thing that’s connected to your face around its neck and you can’t decide whether to call the vet or 911? OHMYGOD – me too!

But that’s not why I called this meeting. No, the reason you’re all sitting here today is so I can complain about my nosy Nellie of a computer.

I was writing an email to my late late grandfather the other day and one of the sentences I used was:

I never did like any of your wives and I’m including the hag who birthed the woman who birthed me….

And do you know what my computer said to me?

nosy gmail msg attachment

Now, where does Google Mail get off eavesdropping on my personal correspondence? I don’t go around openly challenging Google’s search results, do I? Why are they suddenly so interested in my affairs? What have I done to warrant special attention? I mean, other than publicly threatening the president with a toothbrush which by the way was not my fault – I was high on too much mouthwash and didn’t know what I saying.

But how would you feel if you were minding your own business writing an email to your friend, discussing something kind of personal and your email program starts butting in?

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

nosy gmail dialogue box

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want my mail program getting all up in my business like that. What do you think?

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  1. Lorraine Powell says:

    You so tapped into my big brother computer fears on this one. Hilarious. I’m laughing just to keep from crying with paranoia.

    1. Well you know, every joke has a bit of truth in it. I’m just sayin’….if you think your computer screen starts to glow or talks back to you, you’re probably not imagining it. Oh, sorry. That probably didn’t help.

  2. […] party the other night, name-dropping with Elizabeth Taylor and Susan Sarandon when Susan mentioned this particular blog post of mine that she thought was […]

  3. Helen + ilana = Hi says:

    So I gather I'm the only one who read misread the third one as gynecological research and went off on eeewww tangent?

    1. HAHA!!
      You're the only one to admit it, anyway.

  4. magpie says:

    They're everywhere! They're controlling our every action! Time to get off the grid and live in the woods!

    1. You're not kidding. Another move like that and I'm heading for the hills!

  5. Susan @WhyMommy says:

    Love this! Gmail is SO up in my email some days.

    1. Hey, I was just at your blog yesterday! I'm so glad to see your smiling face. I hope we get to chat at BlogHer! You're going, right?

    1. Wow! This video takes my little post to a whole new level.

  6. Long Hollow says:

    Okay, I see why you get so many comments now. That was the best laugh I've had all week! You're going on my blogroll now…

    1. Yay! I'm so glad you laughed. (and thank you for the blog roll add!)

  7. […] Mind your own business, Gmail! […]

  8. J. Bear Savo says:

    Very funny… Brilliant satire.

    However, an expectation of privacy on the Internet is unreasonable. I think the whole Internet was created to spy on us. In fact, I think that Twitter is run by the Illuminati so that they can keep an eye on everyone.

    1. Is it just Twitter that's run by the Illuminati? Or the whole interwebs?

  9. Drew says:

    This is hilarious! I'll be sharing it. Maybe it will go viral?

    1. I'm praying to the cyber gods now that it go viral. Tribal viral dance will commence in T minus 10 minutes.

  10. Jenny Beans says:

    Margaret, I had the crappiest day on the planet, but you made me smile and laugh! Thank you SO MUCH!

    1. You are most welcome, Jenny Beans. It was my pleasure. I hope you have a better weekend!

  11. Betweennapsontheporch says:

    Sooo funny! Loved this! Remind me to never get on your bad side, btw! LOL

  12. That's hilarious! I knew I didn't use gmail for a reason other than I don't like it 🙂

  13. LaTonya says:

    Sometimes I'm tickled by the way google tries to read your mind, and other times, I get down right frustrated. Just like I tell my kids sometimes, “I know what I was trying to say,” when actually I had gotten it wrong. But sometimes, you just don't want any help!

    1. It's true. You just want to say, “Let me do this myself. I was doing fine until you butt in!”

  14. TechnoBabe says:

    Agreed, that is just too much help. And none of is helped in your case. I am not getting messages like this in my gmail. I would have to turn it off if it starts happening to me.

    1. I'm just glad it didn't say, “Are you planning a murder? Because I'm going to have to Skype the police”. That would have ended badly, I think.

  15. pegbur7 says:

    I had mine horn in on one of my private convos the other day too and couldn't figure out what the heck happened. I guess I put together a combo of words they misunderstood. thanks for the clarification!

    1. I only hope if you're planning something nefarious (like a murder) that they continue to misunderstand you so as not to get in the way. 🙂

  16. You know why I don't feel threatened? When I take a look at my Spam folder, Gmail advertises spam salad.

    1. hee hee!! I've never had Spam salad. I'm surprised it doesn't break out in a Monty Python song…”spam, spam, spam, spam….”

  17. Pseudo says:

    That was fun.

  18. Thank you for making me truly laugh out loud, as always 🙂

    1. You are more than welcome, my dear. 🙂

  19. Mojo says:

    Okay, I must have the snark filter turned on in my Gmail account because this is what I just wrote to myself and not one peep out of Gmail. I feel cheated.

    I'm including some of the text that Margaret (NGIP) said she used in her email to her late grandfather. Though why anyone would write an email to a dead grandfather I don't know. A letter I could understand, but what would the email domain for a dead guy be? I digress. She said they'll never find the body and mentioned something about cement, rope, chloroform and a gun. Sounds like overkill to me, honestly. Then she asked what have I done? But she also said don't tell my husband, so I'm guessing she already knew what she'd done.

    But when she said that “I hate his ass” sparked a message about butt implants, I started thinking she made the whole thing up. And when goodbye cruel world got translated as Cruella, I was pretty sure.

    But if was still funny as hell. Of course, she's like that.

    1. Ba-HAHAHA!!!!

      You are just awesome! And thanks for picking up on the dead guy. Others may certainly have caught it, but nobody said anything until now. Perhaps you overloaded gmail to the point that it didn't know what to do. You blasted it with so many opportunities, it flipped into a TMI glitch.

  20. Mojo says:

    You realize of course, that I'm going to have to try this now.
    Damn, woman.

  21. MadMadMargo says:

    I'm still trying to figure out what one of those long sticky grayish turquoise things is dangling from anyone's face.

    1. HA! You're the first person to even mention the nonsequitor intro!

  22. Sue Seese says:

    It's hard enough finding places to hide the bodies and now I have to worry about email snoops, damn it.

    1. I know! It just goes to show, it's always something.

  23. Rebecca says:

    Hilarious! (You do know how to turn that off, right? lol)

    1. Somebody else mentioned it somewhere I think, so I'll have to track that down. I don't know all the ins and outs of gmail. It's only happened once so far, so I guess if it really gets on my nerves, I'll turn it off.

      1. Rebecca says:

        It's under “settings” – top right corner of screen, then click “labs” – near
        right side of menu bar. There are all kinds of fun changes you can make
        from there!

  24. Melly says:

    Brilliant Margaret…seriously brilliant!!

  25. Nicky says:

    You totally killed me with this one Margaret! Oh wait, maybe that was your intention? Confess! I'm pleading with you!

    (Gmail's response) Do you need a good lawyer?

    1. “(Gmail's response) Do you need a good lawyer? ” <<–Ba-HAHAHA!!!!
      Now YOU'RE killing ME. (I'm just getting the record straight for that upcoming trial.)

  26. kathcom says:

    I want to get worked up about GMail but I can't get past Real Housewives of Deliverance. “You got a purty mouth.” Now that's a show I'd like to see.

    1. Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Can you imagine? I would love to see Real Housewives of Deliverance. If I had the gumption (and the know-how) I could make a short film of it and put it up on YouTube, if someone hasn't done it already.

      1. kathcom says:

        You should! You could have a bikini waxer saying, “Squeal like a pig!” before ripping off the wax. The Kardashian sisters would be perfect!

  27. Seafoodpunch says:

    ha this is great. The google thing has never butted in on my conversation and now im feeling a little left out. but thats ok.

    1. Oh, it will happen some day. You'll be innocently serving peas to your family and the next thing you know, BLAMMO! Google is asking you if you turned off the stove.

  28. Privacy? What is that? Peggy Noonan calls it the last frontier.

    1. The last frontier? That sounds about right.

      p.s. (you might need to adjust your Disqus profile for your URL. I'm not sure if there's a missing “http” or what, but it's causing your link here to be misrepresented). You'll see what I mean if you hover over your name in this comment thread.

  29. Irish Gumbo says:

    So that would explain the big giant head that keeps popping up under my browser, and keeps calling me 'Winston'. This is double plus ungood…

    1. Winston????? HAHA!!!
      Oooh, I would love to see what that would look like.

  30. Linda R. says:

    Hi, I'm late to the party as usual.

    This is wildly funny, and not something I've experienced yet. I'd probably find it bit creepy if my e-mail all of a sudden started making suggestions. I only use my gmail account for blog-related stuff, and I do notice that sometimes email notifications of comments will piggyback on one another. Haven't figured that one out yet.

    1. You mean that thread thing? Sometimes I like that and sometimes it's annoying. But what definitely gets on my nerves is when Google is hovering over my shoulder asking me pointed questions about undercover work. How's a girl supposed to get her spy on?

  31. You totally crack me up!

    And yes, big brother is watching a little too much for my taste too.



  32. Jamie says:

    I needed a laugh today – this was AWESOME – thanks!!!

    1. You are more than welcome! And thanks for the compliment!

  33. It's not only Gmail, but Facebook too. Big Brother(s) indeed is (are) watching. I'm just hoping Disqus doesn't ask me if I want to include “sisters” so as to be politically correct and provide equal time.

    1. And don't forget about the grocery stores and those dang club cards. Monitoring your every purchase. I often buy Ding Dongs, frozen peas and condoms, just to throw off their marketing.

  34. um, have you been reading my emails?

    1. Oh I'm sorry was that YOUR computer I accidentally sat down at and started capturing screen shots? Don't worry, your highly covert plan is safe with me.

  35. muskrat says:

    I knew gmail was the devil. Now you've confirmed it.

  36. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, nicely done, my friend.

    I love how helpful Google is, even when you're planning a murder. You are planning a murder, aren't you? And can I get in on it? My life is so boring. Don't tell Gmail, tho.

    1. Nicky says:

      I'm sensing the title of your next post:

      “I commit murder so you don't have to”

      Can I at least suggest the victim and the method?

      1. LOL!!

        Does the method involve cheese? With Mr. Lime? In the Library?

        1. Nicky says:

          See, now that's what I like about you! Everyone else would have automatically assumed the cheese, Mr. Lime and the kitchen or dining room. You understand how devious cheese can be….like minds, perhaps? 🙂

    2. You most certainly can get in on it, as Nicky has already got a post title lined up for you.

  37. Love it! Maybe if you type in “oil leak” it will finally tell the company how to fix it!

    1. Ha! Excellent idea, Katherine. “Did you want to save the world? You said 'oil leak' in your message…etc..”

  38. cardiogirl says:

    I love the idea of Gmail speculating that you are writing a screenplay because you used cement, rope, chloroform and a gun. Man, that would make an awesome writing prompt!

    “The Gmail Murders” coming soon in paperback wherever books are sold.

    1. Of course, something like “The Gmail murders” would have to to be available as an eBook as well!

  39. This is one of the funniest posts I've read today (or yesterday since I started reading at 10pm and it's 1am now). I'm stumbling it.

    1. Oh, thank you, Marilyn! That's so awesome of you. Did you know that I totally picked my latest WP theme because of you? In fact, it's on my mental ToDo List to ask you how you got your custom title with the tree at the top in there.

  40. Don't be gettin' all up in mah biiiizzzz…how nosy! You show those googles who's boss.

  41. mikewj at toomanymornings says:

    That's downright scary. Is it true? I would never, ever use g-mail if so. Is it true, or have I fallen for a practical joke again?

    1. Aw, Mikey, just the first one is true, if the cat has to be let outta the bag.

      1. mikewj at toomanymornings says:

        I'm such an idiot. I knew that, too. I think I like conspiracy theories so much that I was ready to buy into the whole piece as being true even though I knew better.

  42. CatLadyLarew says:

    You mean the “g” in gmail doesn't stand for “goat”? Well, daaaaamn! What we have here is an epic failure to communicate!

  43. Pricilla says:

    That was priceless.
    The first time that message came up I wanted to slap the computer.
    I am not that stupid. Most of the times.

  44. Susan Travers says:

    funniest damn bit and thread to boot!! 'k now, back to work (at the state fair : ) whoohooo and when are y'all coming to visit the goats, anyways????????

    1. You're at the state fair with the goats? I gotta find a day that isn't so dang hot!!!! Where yat (at the fair)?

  45. Slommler says:

    If you hated his ass…how would butt implants fix that problem? HA! You totally crack me up. And I would be pissed at Gmail too for butting in my emails. Next thing you know, they will be cropping your photos!

    1. GASP! They wouldn't dare.

      nice pun, by the way: “butting in my emails”.

  46. Jayne says:

    Thanks for outting g-mail. Nice to know I can count on you to protect me from such nefarious goings-on. I'm reminded of the first time I walked past a car that has one of those voice-type car alarms and the bastard car actually said to me “Step away from the car. You're too close.” Fuck you I'm too close! You're the one who blocked me in, asshole! — Yes, I had a screaming match with a car in the middle of the street in the middle of the day. I'm getting mighty sick of all this snotty know-it-all-technology. And don't even get me started on GPS.

    1. HAHA!!!! Oh Jayne, you kill me.

      You know GPS and I had a thing until she got all bossy on my ass when I decided to go left instead of right once and she went on and on about how I should be making a legal U-Turn at the next street for like 10 miles before she shut up and gave me the silent treatment the rest of the trip. She's so mercurial. So what if she can speak French.

      1. Jayne says:

        OMG! I'm having an acid flashback to Hal, the computer in the movie “2001” which I actually saw, not surprisingly, when I was on acid.

  47. moooooog35 says:

    Google Mail.

    Always correcting…always nagging. Like you weren't married already.

    1. hee hee!!! Well said, moooooog. You should sell that to them as a tagline. You could make millions.

  48. gitwizard says:

    Brilliant! The whole 'world domination' stance IS getting a little tiresome. Who do they think they are …..Facebook???

    1. I know, right?
      Wait a minute, are you saying I need to also install a Facebook spy detector now too?

  49. Would you like to be re-directed to our partner site?

    1. Bwa-hahaha!!!! Oh my, you're awesome!

  50. Marilyn says:

    Margaret – whatever you ate, drank or saw before & while reading this…….kepp eating, drinking, looking — It's FANTASTIC

  51. Jenny says:

    Good grief! Next thing you know it will be suggesting what sort of knickers the goats should wear. I wouldn't stand for it, Margaret.

    1. I agree. While the goats do occasionally need a fashion consultant, I'm not sure this is the way to go about it.

  52. Michelle says:

    Geez! I'm really starting to wonder if Google knows what color underwear we are wearing 😉

    1. Eek! I shudder to think. On a positive note though, they should be able to tell us where our keys are when we lose them.

  53. ReformingGeek says:

    YIKES! Evil Twin is in trouble now.

    1. I know!

      (btw girlfriend, why aren't you leaving your URL in your comments?)

  54. Kate says:

    Yeah Margaret! All those ads creep me out too. Google street view even took a photo of some innocent person on the street trying to remain anonymous. Yep, that's right….Horseboy! Don't trust 'em as far as I can throw 'em.

    1. What does a Google street view picture look like of a person trying to remain anonymous? Is he a running blur trying to get out of frame? Is his hand stuck in front of the camera? Have you ever noticed the ads sometimes disappear depending on what you're writing about? I blogged about that last year in this post.

  55. Nezzy says:

    It's sad to think that we all are gonna have to start bloggin' and emailin' in code! Golly gee, Big Brother really IS watching…and listening. This was great….had me rollin' plumb out of my chair……now will somebody please help me up???? Heeehehehe!!

    Ya'll have a fantastically blessed summer day from the very hot sticky Ozark hills :o)

    1. Yes, Big Brother is alive and well, dearie! It's good thing I'm not important in the “big scheme of things”, which means I can say whatever I want and not end up in the tabloids. And it's 100 degrees here today too.

  56. Lisahgolden says:

    Hilarious! Gmail has been acting up lately for me. All kinds of weirdness where it only works half way or if I open it while standing on my head singing arias. I keep threatening to fire it, but I can't remember my yahoo account password anymore and I'm dreadfully lazy.

    1. Hee hee!
      I haven't tried singing arias, I'll have to keep that in mind. I suspect one day, gmail will just explode and then where will we be?

  57. Anne says:

    So what you are trying to tell me is that Google reads my gmail and offers editing advice? Does it correct grammar? I guess I better stop plotting to take over the world through email.

    1. Why? Are you plotting world domination withOUT an editor?

  58. I love this! Hysterically funny. But, Margaret, does your dead grandfather email you back? I really need an answer to that because I've got some people I'd really like to hook up with if that's the case.

    1. My dead grandfather has not emailed me back per se, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. I'd start now if I were you. Which I'm not. In which case, I wouldn't waste my time. If I were you. Which I'm not. (I could do this all day…)

      1. Okay. I think I get it, per se. I've got better things to do than what you are suggesting I don't do. If I were you, which I'm not, I wouldn't hold my breath!

  59. Jaffer says:

    You know you could turn that feature off in the labs eh.

    1. Labs? What labs? I'm such a default user loser. 🙁
      I smell another tutorial coming up. 🙂

  60. joannmannix says:

    This is fabulous, fabulous. And I will tell you that I am convinced a gang of Google geeks live in my computer, bong hitting a beer tap all day long while doubled up in hysteria at my technological woes.

    1. Thank you Joanna! So Google must be underestimating their employee count if they have at least 2 of them in each of our computers and god knows what other devices. So why is the unemployment rate still so high. Oh, I know: outsourcing.

  61. OMG Margaret, this was friggen hilarious. I do not currently have a gmail account, and now I'm pretty sure I will never sign up for one!

    1. What? You mean yours doesn't doesn't get all up in your grill?

      1. Not even a little!

  62. This is hilarious and it supports my paranoia that Google has been reading my email, and listening to my phone calls. It might be time to go back to smoke signals.

    1. That's a fabulous idea. Is taken? Ohhhhh, you mean REAL smoke signals. Still a fabulous idea.

      I had no idea Google was listening to my phone calls. Does that include the phone sex calls? Because, I mean, those are for work.

  63. Tara says:

    Holy crap that is the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Thanks for the laugh!

    1. Thank YOU for laughing! And for your kind words. 🙂

  64. Okay, Margaret, you win. 🙂 That was brilliant.

    1. Woo hoo!! I win! I win! Uh…what do I win?

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