If I were St. Peter, standing at the gates of Heaven with my halo and purple clipboard, I wouldn’t waste my time going through the paperwork required to send fearmongers to Hell. I’d just smite them to death right there on the spot.
In fact, I wouldn’t even wait for them to get to the front of the line. No wait – scratch that. I’d want them to wait. A really long time. I’d make them step out of line and hand them ten hoops and tell them to jump through each and every one. And when they finished I’d tell them to do it again. And again. And again. And after they’d done that about a thousand times, I’d send them to The Arbitrary Waiting Room where there is a TV in the corner and the only station that comes in is the Kevin Trudeau Network.
Yes, KTN, the beloved media entity, which is part of a larger communications empire conglomeration, CMGM (Con Man Global Media) that preys on your fears with the pseudo-concealed agenda to sell you something. Viewers would be presented with such popular notions as:
- Drink this snake oil, or there’s no telling what will happen to your children, I’m just sayin’.
- Order in the next ten minutes and this cute little bunny won’t get tortured.
- Spy satellites that are out to get you could fall from the sky any day and crash right into your skull, killing you dead. And then who’s gonna watch your children? And I mean really watch them.
- Buy my product or the terrorists win.
- Cancer is living inside you right now, but your government doesn’t want you to know this, so they do stuff to prevent you from knowing, but my book, which you can purchase right now in three easy installments of $79.99, tells you everything you need to know to beat these government bullies who want to keep you prisoner in your own home.
- Recent studies have shown that one-third of all children will die from one common everyday habit. Coming up next…how to keep one-third of your children safe.
Stuff like that. All day every day.
Fearmongering is also popular among political and religious extremists, but I’m not here to hate on those jerkfaces. I’m here today to pick on scammy hoaxy conny poo-poo heads. Because these slimeballs don’t care what your race, creed, color, religion, sexual orientation, or political affiliation is. They are equal opportunity con artists, and want every single one of you. To give them your money.
What fearmongers don’t want you to know is that they rely on what you don’t know. Your delightful ignorance (and gullibility) is a prerequisite for them to succeed. Whatever you do, listen to them, buy their book and forget what everyone else says. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain who is not the Wizard, but a convicted felon in sheep’s clothing with many prior legal violations, because why should a long rap sheet be any indication of what’s likely going on in front of you right now? I mean, people can change, right? Right.
So anyway, I have this bridge I wanted to sell you because it cures leprosy and THEY don’t want you to know about it because THEY want you to get leprosy. And I’m not a doctor, I’m just an investigative reporter who wants you to know the truth which is this: Buy my book and save the children. Oh! And lose weight fast.
And now for a little trivia…Did you know that Con Man is short for Confidence Man?
Link to above video: MadTV Natural Miracle Cures Infomercial (Parody)
Other Links
Kevin Trudeau, Convicted Felon (Wikipedia Entry) skip to list of Legal Proceedings.
20/20 Exposes Liar Kevin Trudeau [VIDEO]
Trudeau’s Grand Jury Indictment (Credit Card Fraud) – The Smoking Gun
What Kevin Trudeau Doesn’t Want You To Know – salon.com
What ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know: An Analysis of Kevin Trudeau’s Natural Cures – Skeptical Inquirer
(Photo Source: NYPL)
Does the suffix 'monger' have any positive prefix other than 'fish'? Like, could someone be a kissmonger? Answer me or die!
I think you're right. Just about any Thingmonger can't be good.
I have an email sitting in my inbox that I purposely did not delete yet, because I've been meaning to blog about it. It's a religious fearmongering forward. Boy, do I hate that! Kick 'em all to the curb!
Amen, sister!
🙂
A friend had her house on the market forever. One day one of those We Buy Houses people calls her. She knows it was a scam but was bored and let them talk. Finally she tells the person that she wants to talk to her lawyer about the deal. The scammy poo-poo head tells my friend that she shouldn't because lawyers don't “understand this type of transaction.” The sad thing is that someone might fall for that line by a con man who isn't nearly as attractive as Sawyer. They deserve your hoops.
Oh, man. “lawyers don't understand this type of transaction”…????
Yeah, because lawyers are uneducated and don't understand things.
Sheesh!!
Hey, are you going to BlogHer this year?
I'll retract that statement. I will let the Lord do it for all of us.
I always wanted to just kick his ass. If I should ever run across him, I will. Then, after my year in county jail, I'll get rich by writing, “How I kicked Kevin's Ass.” I like it!
Poo-poo heads, that's exactly what those guys are.
Sometimes the Brits say “confidence trickster”.
I actually did know that about Confidence Men. I learned it from the old comic strip “Scroogie”.
Scroogie? Seriously? I've never heard of that one. Not to be confused with
Scrooge McDuck , I presume?
I thought you were kidding until you called them poo-poo heads.
I thought this guy was already in jail and that he was told not to do this anymore?
Did you buy the book?
I don't think I bought the book. I think I saw the infomercial a long time
ago and went to the bookstore to go through the book and realized he doesn't
tell you anything, but wants you to buy more stuff. Then later, I heard
about all the priors. He's been in jail, but now that he's out, he back to
the same shenanegins. I believe the federalis have banned him from selling
certain things, but they can't stop him from selling his books. Or something
like that. He's paid a bazillion in fraud fines. He's kind of amazing
actually and shows just what you can get away with in this country, if
you're slimy enough.
“Buy my product or the terrorists win.” Hahahaha!
The sad part is that so many people actually fall for this crap.
Every time I hear a statistic about anything, or a story on the news about what will kill me today, I have to question who is making a buck off the story or statistic. I'm tired of it, and hell is too good for the fearmongers.
I've been too busy to visit a lot of blogs lately (it's been a while since I have been here), and have to say that your blog looks fantastic, Margaret! 🙂
Hello Paul! So good to see you again! I'm having trouble getting to everyone
lately myself. So many blogs, not enough time…
OMG, you scared me half to death !
(just kidding…)
I feel like I just took a trip to Infomercial Hell. I hate those things. Naw, I love those things. Just a minute, I need to get down a phone number for that new product that will make me look and feel and act 19.
Have you been eating pizza before bed again? And watching late night TV?
It is definitely not good for you….
Poo-poo heads is right! They should all be on an island somewhere. I'll even fund it once my Nigerian inheritance comes through.
Ok, I knew it was serious when you resorted to the big guns of name-calling: “scammy hoaxy conny poo-poo heads”! Really Margaret! That kind of talk could get you in trouble with St. Peter, you know. You might find your name on his lime green clipboard, which everyone knows is much worse than his purple one 🙂 Don't worry though, I have a cure for that which I write about in my book which I will offer you for free (yes, FREE) for a limited time only! Just pay the $199.99 in shipping and handling fees. Oh, and I'll watch the kids for you while you read it. Well, 1/3 of the kids anyway!
Ahahahhahahahahaha! Nicky, you crack me up!
Thank you, thank you very much! I'm here all week. No, really, I'll be here all week. I'm watching the kids while Margaret reads my book. You know, you should read it too! And since you find me so funny, I'll let you have the same deal I offered Margaret! 🙂
xoxoxox
I do know that Con Man means Cofidence Man, only because I watched LOST. Sawyer explained it in great detail in Season One.
Sorry. I'm trying really, really hard to get over that show. I'll jump through 10 hoops if you want me to.
I must be more over the show than you, because I forgot Sawyer explained it and I acted all surprised when someone else mentioned it in some interview the other day. I am sorry for your Lost -oops! I mean loss.
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