My motto is: If it’s free, it’s for me. So when I was invited to a movie screening for The Boys are Back, starring Clive Owen, I jumped on it. Oh, excuse me: a FILM. I was going to see a FILM, because a FILM is what we movie snobs attend. We do not see MOVIES. MOVIES are so declasse.
Initially, I was looking forward to it. Then Pessimism and Neurosis showed up and did everything they could to ruin the night for me. I was worried about getting a bad seat. I was worried about jerks around me talking during the movie. I was worried about paying some ungodly sum for parking, since the only information I saw about prices was several dollars per half hour.
As I get older and my memory fades, I wonder if I was always like this, or if there is a reason why I can’t just frickin’ chill.
Anyway, my niece and I arrived an hour early to meet up with two other bloggers, Jane, who runs MidLifeBloggers, and Lena Loo, and a line had already begun to form for the mov–er… film, and even though I asked one of the theater employees about this line and even though I was told I would not have to wait in that line, I wondered whether or not to believe them and still figured we had to get there before they started letting people in and Oh My God, what if we walk in at the last minute? Will we even be able to sit together?
Apparently my fellow bloggers weren’t the least bit concerned. They had what was called “experience” in this sort of thing and felt confident there would probably be seats set aside for us.
Yeah, right! As if! Not bloody likely! You have ME with you, and I am the Queen of Bad Karma and you will be lucky if you get to sit on the floor, wallowing in popcorn butter and sticky Milk Duds residue.
So I sat at a nearby Starbucks with my cohorts trying not to look at my watch every three minutes or utter things like, “So, do you think we should go now? Should we try to get a seat, do you think? Hey, what’s say we beat the crowd?”
I’m pathetic, right? Don’t ever ask me to go out with you, because I’m pathetic.
Now properly hopped-up on caffeine, I erratically dart over with my friends to the theater, where the line has disappeared, which means everyone already has a seat and we’ll be lucky if we can stand in the back and somebody is checking our name on a list and another guy says, ‘Right this way’, and he leads us to three rows taped off for reserved guests.
Huzza! Huzza!
See? I may be a cynic, but I’m also easy to please. It falls under that set-your-expectations-low-and-you’ll-always-be-pleasantly-surprised category.
So what else is there to worry about now? Well, let me tell you, because my worries knows no bounds. Jane was sitting behind some guy with a big head so we all scooted over one seat which left no extra seat for Lena Loo’s not-yet-arrived guest and what if they showed up and asked us to scoot back over so she could sit down, but that would put Jane back behind the guy with the big head and if the lights were off by then we wouldn’t be able to explain that to the late person without pissing people off around us because they’re trying to watch the previews or the movie or whatever and I was totally stressing about that and why was I taking such responsibility for a person I did not know and do they have narcotics for this sort of thing and can I get them in pill form because I don’t like needles very much.
But then it was revealed that the late person wasn’t going to show up at all and I thought, WHY CAN’T I JUST FRICKIN’ RELAX ALREADY??? Or should I merely lay off the lattes?
Here’s what a freak I am about A-Holes in the movie theater: The best part of this whole evening happened BEFORE the movie started when some Miramax Studios guy came out and told everyone to turn off their phones and shut up during the movie and don’t talk TO to the movie and don’t ask their neighbor what’s going on in the movie because chances are, they haven’t seen the movie either, and I LOVED this guy. I could have kissed him for telling everyone to just shut the hell up for once in their lives while they watch a movie. And the most incredible part? Everyone heeded his words. Unbelievable. I got to enjoy the film because people around me weren’t pissing me off. See what I mean about setting low expectations?
And enjoy the movie I did. It wasn’t your typical Hollywood film in that they don’t spell everything out for you. You have to bring a minimum amount of brain, not a lot, but a little, to this movie. They don’t just shove fast cars and big boobs in your face for ninety minutes. It’s a slightly unconventional drama with a moving story and touching humor.
“No cars and boobs? How unAmerican!” you might proclaim. Exactly. For one thing, it was filmed in Australia and the UK. And for another thing, it’s about relationships and parenting and love, fierce and real love.
The Boys are Back, inspired by the same-named Simon Carr memoir, follows a sports writer (Clive Owen), who tries to grapple with single fatherhood after the loss of his wife. It’s brilliantly acted, it’s realistic, and it can be a bit of a tear jerker at times. The older son, Harry (George MacKay), looks like he could be Rupert Grint’s (or Ron Weasley’s, depending on how grounded in reality you are) younger brother. He’s the one on the left below (in case it’s not THAT obvious).
And since it’s not a big car and fast-boobed American film, I’m lucky Sacramento is even showing it on one screen. (Quick–go see it at the Tower Theater before it goes away!) But enough about my views of the lacklusterness in my town; wanna see a trailer?
Click this blog link for The Boys Are Back if the above video isn’t working.
It was a wonderful escape, but the black cloud of doom was waiting for me as we exited the theater to escort us to the parking garage. The walk back was long and dreary. I envisioned the parking booth guy refusing to lift the exit bar gate thingie until I coughed up 45 dollars for the use of his big cement box. I handed over my theater-validated ticket, hoping for a discount, any discount. My kingdom for a discount!
Man, I remember when you could park downtown for free on the weekends. What’s this world coming to? I began rooting around in my purse for all the money it contained when the exit gate lifted and the booth guy called out, “Thank you.”
I peeled out of there before he changed his mind and turned to my passengers with a “Woo hoo!” I’m almost sure they were laughing with me, rather than at me and my roller coaster of emotions that vacillated between despair and joy all night.
***
P.S. Thanks to Melissa over at Women & Hollywood for the opportunity to screen this film.
Got any scary food you want to share and potentially win a prize? I Hate My Message Board is hosting a contest where you send in photos of the scariest food you can find. Also? I’m going to be one of the contest judges. I would say I’m not above bribing, but something tells me that might be the most ethical thing to say.
Also? Vodka Mom is is having a giveaway that includes a $50 Fandango gift card and other paraphernalia from the upcoming movie The Vampire’s Assistant.
Girl that was hillarious! I guess the anxiety is genetic because my son is only 4 and he worries about EVERYTHING. OMG!! If you come up with that “pill form” medication could you PLEASE ship me some?
Thanks for the movie review. I will definitely check it out. Oops, I meant to say FILM. LOL
I know one of those “turn your phone off and shut up” people to just follow me around everywhere I go….the grocery store, the theatre, the bank, the soccer field. Seriously, who goes to watch their kid play soccer and then spends the whole time on their damn phone?
Yes…I have issues, too. lol!!
I met you at the SITS party and had to come check out your blog. Wait: were you at the SF Screening?
What you describe here is identical to what I experienced (and Melissa gave me tix, too!). Dead on correct. Love it.
I feel exactly the same way about movie theaters. They stress me out a whole lot.
Yay for unconventional movie reviews! Whoever said we need to be conventional? 🙂 I had a great time with you gals, and trust that I was as neurotic as you were, I was just trying to play it cool, instead I ended up doing my “Lena’s nervous and therefore talks WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much” thing lol… And I didn’t even have the caffeine to blame it on :)… We should go to coffee again sometime, maybe after this kid decides to come out or settle down… Oh and I figured I should tell you this here, where the goats might not catch me, but they have recruited me in their plan to take over Farmville… It started out with just your farm, and then they decided they wanted everyone’s… Forgive me… lol…
I can’t go see this movie. It just looks, I don’t know, horrible. I get enough real life in real life. I need fast cars and bullets to break me out of reality.
I love Clive and really want to see this movie. Thanks for the review and for stopping by my blog today.
This is the BEST mov…er FILM review I have ever read!! You are JUST like me when it comes to things like this.
However, I AM medicated!!
I want to see this movie, it looks so good, I really like Australian movies.
The Hubs is the one who likes the cars and boobs movies, so maybe I’ll go with one of my girlfriends to see this one.
I’m with Gladys, too, the minute I saw the trailer for the George Clooney movie, “The Men Who Stare At Goats”, I immediately thought of you.
The premise of the movie sounds like Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell. He was a journalist, widowed and raising two girls.
Had you seen that movie? If so, was it similar?
Thanks for popping by my site. 🙂
Writing is enough for your blog. You do it so well.
I’m so glad you went to see this mov.. um film, I saw an article in the paper about it and they said it sucked so I wasn’t even going to consider it, even though it looked like the kind of chick flick, I mean film, I enjoy from time to time. And Clive Owen is hot. Sorry you couldn’t chill out and really enjoy yourself completely but then it wouldn’t be so much fun for the rest of us.
Clive Owen is on my ‘if I was gay’ list.
I have a list.
No I don’t.
What?
Forget I said anything.
was there a family dog? family dogs are usually the glue that holds the family together.
Scott, could you imagine how great it would be? We’d all be sitting out front of places 3 hours early, each of us quiet to avoid missing VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS and plus, it’s hard to talk when you’re spending all your brain power willing your Snapple bottle not to go flying out of your hands in front of a Semi-trunk, puncturing their tires and putting us all in MORTAL DANGER.
I can sympathize with you over the Seat Paranoia. I am one of those weird freaks who get into the theater super-early so I can take one of those seats at the very back center of the theater…
Why? Because that row is always wider than the other rows. Meaning too-tall Me actually has leg-room.
Otherwise I end up sitting for three hours crammed into this small space with my knees up my nose.
You know, you get to do some really exciting opportunities, there, Margaret!
are those pre-film put everyone in their places lecturers available in every city? i think that’s fabulous! i wish someone would tell people here to shut it and watch the film.
sounds like a really sweet movie too but my poor self will have to wait until it makes it to dvd so i can netflix it….
One time I was at the movies and Stephen King was behind me. He was reading a book. Maybe if more people read books while watching movies it would make your movie watching easier. Or maybe it’s just horror writers. Maybe if more horror writers went to the movies with you, it would be better. Sorry, I’m one of the talkers. You should have heard the guffaws, yeah rights and huffs when I saw Twilight with the 12-year olds.
Oh and regarding the wedding pic on my blog, if you look closely, I am rolling my eyes, not looking off into space-I roll my eyes at him a lot. I roll my eyes at everyone a lot. Maybe if Stephen King was behind me…)
Smiles,
Lisa
Tracy! Sorry, I didn’t see your comment. Oh, I think there are lotssssss of us. We should get a brotherhood/sisterhood together or something.
Now please excuse me, I have dumped my tea on the keyboard. And I even willed it to stay up, too!
I love going to the movies! I think I’ll call my mom up for a date since I married an anti-movie man.
BTW, I found some goats this weekend and took a couple of pictures and thought of you. Want a picture?
Oh now that’s a film I can’t wait to see!! Thanks for the review, glad you got to watch it in silence!
Looks like a lovely movie, er film. Thanks for the review!
You had me at “Clive Owens” so I watched the entire trailer and loved it!
And, I think maybe you and are were twins switched at birth. I do the whole “gotta get in my seat” thing even when I knew I have a reserved seat 🙂
Great job!
xo
Nanny, So the final movie thing was from the great escape.
BIG HUGS
I always go to an afternoon movie in the middle of the week when people with real jobs are at work and I try to see only really crappy movies that have gotten bad reviews so I’ll have the theater all to myself.
It’s truly a joy to discover another person as paranoid …I have the same issues with attending movies, plus, another one -having only a fourth of a kidney left, I usually have to get up and go to the bathroom during the –errr — FILM, so must sit on the end seat and then weigh exactly when to try for a mad dash and what action to miss, and inevitably miss something crucial to the plot – and no matter what warnings are posted, some cheesehead has their phone or is texting and their phone or crackberry is lighting up the row, and – oh, it’s just not worth it. I would rather wait and watch in the comfort on our LR, cat on the lap, where I can stop the damn thing any time I want…..we were forced to listen to ‘Dances With Wolves’ for all three hrs in Yiddish when it first came out by the little old couple behind us…I was seriously surprised they were out later than 7 p.m. and wondered how they would be driven home….sigh….
Hmmmm, Michael the goat is in the freezer, all ground up and packaged. Is that scary? He really should NOT have flipped like that now should he have?
Glad you liked your film.
Have you seen the trailer for the new Goat movie with George Clooney. I immediately thought of you.
I love premier’s. I would go every week if they would stop throwing me out everytime I try and sneak in.
See, why I don’t attend MOVIE theatres any more?! If they would save a seat reserved for me and tell everyone to shut up and it was free, I might start going again. Unfortunately, Hollywood movies suck. The reason this one doesn’t, is because it’s foreign. It does look like a good movie. 🙂
Yep, all this is true. She was absolutely quivering when I told her the friend of a friend could go sit in another row. I felt a modicum of guilt–for a moment–but then–poof! it went.
I can’t even fanthom watching a movie without some idiot teenager texting the whole stinking time. You ARE a very lucky lady.
Though this one doesn’t sound like it’s for the teenage crowd – perfect!
And seriously, that kid isn’t related to the Harry Potter side kick dude? Wow.
“and do they have narcotics for this sort of thing and can I get them in pill form because I don’t like needles very much”
Yes, they do. I haz them. They iz cheap. You’ll still be kinda nutty, but you won’t care!
SCOTT! My long lost brother! My husband will put his drink on the same coffee table as his laptop and I’ll just be sitting there, willing it not to fall by the sheer force of my mind. So far, it’s worked, but I’m getting old and losing neurons.
Thank you for consenting to judge my contest even though I couldn’t remember if you were married or not and made a fool of myself in the comments of your last post.
And you stole this post out of my head! I thought I was the only one who worried about stuff like that. I guess the part where you talked about the movie was nice, too but really I found myself at the edge of my seat wondering how the whole seating problem would work out, IF if would work out.
You should write thrillers for the easily excitable. I’d buy it!
Oh, Nanny, don’t worry. There are others with this same disorder. Me, for one. Right now I’m worrying that I’ll accidentally bump the power button under the desk with my foot and this whole comment will be lost because the computer will turn off and I won’t be your second commenter (I don’t think I’ve ever been your second commenter before have I). And now I’m worrying that this comment is getting too long and I won’t actually BE your second commenter because someone else will comment before me so I’d better stop writing right now.
See?
~Scott
I like going to the Tower Theater because it can also mean a visit to Avid bookstore. Yee-haw!
Sounds like a movie I’d like. Thanks for the review.
PS Nothing like a parking story w/a happy ending to warm the heart. 🙂