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I Have This Pain on My Right Side

Have you ever walked into a room full of sullen face people and said “Hey! Who died?” and then wished you didn’t? Because someone did? Or perhaps you’ve found other ways to put your foot in your mouth. Perhaps you weren’t aware that your friend Trixie is still sensitive about her sons’s sex change operation only to have you go on and on about the removal of your cat’s genitals each and every time you see Trixie and Good Lord, what is WRONG with you?

Well, at least you can feel secure in the knowledge that Google’s email program (called “gmail”) has addressed such sensitivities. You know those sidebar ads – excuse me, “Sponsored Links” that pop up with allegedly related content?

Like when your Uncle Hogbert wants to know which goats you hired the other day for some light housekeeping:

e goats

See those “Sponsored Links” on the right-hand side? There’s some genius algorithm that searches the content of your email in the hopes of serving relevant ads to you.

However, in the event you receive some sensitive, potentially catastrophic news via email, Google has seen fit to shut the hell up and let you sit in your sensitive space undisturbed…

email maim

See how there are no ads? That’s because they are being SENSITIVE to the feelings you might have during this trying time.

Now, I don’t want to get nit-picky or anything, but sometimes Google is socially clueless and their email bots – excuse me, “automated filters” can’t sense when danger is afoot, and they continue to bombard you with ads.

e burn

And other times, when you’re feeling really really really uncomfortable, Google can’t seem to read between the lines:

e iluvu

That’s because they block ads according to a specific list of key words, like SUICIDE or DEATH, regardless of how a specific email might make you feel. For example you might not necessarily be getting bad news:

e brad

and yet, they feel it would be appropriate to block ads in this instance because of the use of the word CRASH. Nevermind the fact that the word CRASH was also in the previous email. You know, the really really really uncomfortable one.

Also? Google overreacts to this one as well:

e kill

I’m assuming Google must have responded to outcries from all the people who felt offended by ads popping up as they notified others via email that someone had tragically died. Those same people who don’t give a crap about you and can’t be bothered to make a personal phone call. THOSE people are outraged that Google was insensitive.

So what good is this information to you? Well, I’m glad you asked because I was just about to address this very topic, but wait, watch this:

e poop

You see what I did there? Look ma, no ads!

That’s right. All you have to do is figure out what key words will automatically filter out the ads and be sure to include at least one in your email.

I conclude with a wonderful sample email to send to loved ones, particularly the elderly who are still trying to adjust to this new-fangled technology. The last thing you want is for Grandma to be so overwhelmed with advertisments that it gets in the way of the actual message you’re trying to send her and then that’s all she can think about the rest of the week.

Just try and be thoughtful for once in your life and slip in a keyword to all your friends and family the next time you want to tell them you love them.

email gran

See? Now, wasn’t that nice?

frilly panties 76x70

and another thing 24pt

For those of you who haven’t heard, I was interviewed by Powder Room Graffiti, and they got all up in my grill, digging for personal stuff. You can read the sordid details here. Feel free to vote it up or comment at the end. It will fool them into thinking I’m really popular.

frilly panties 76x70

GTOTD 24pt

Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one about the Goat Renter Guy? I hadn’t until Jay from Sassmo’s Blog showed it to me.

If video above doesn’t work, try THIS LINK.

Related Posts with Thumbnails


  1. kathcom says:

    I took Adsense off my blog because it would match up a screed about Louise Hay with self-help ads or an atheist diatribe with prayer sites.
    I’d love to see what ads would match up with homicide or killing. How can poop be bad? There must be companies out there that sells items to stock one’s poop deck: why should they be left out in the cold?
    But seriously, I’m sorry you missed Brad and the doughnuts.

  2. Finally, a reason to include “poop” in all my emails.

  3. HAR! Excellent. Creative and funny and crazy, just the way I like ’em.
    I use Thunderbird, so I don’t get those Google ads. Maybe I should go back to regular gmail. Then I can stop checking my Google searches for blog fodder.

  4. LaTonya says:

    This is hilarious. And you catching that, is even funnier. I wouldn’t have caught it.

  5. KC says:

    Just brilliant, M. Totally after my heart with that post.
    And the interview is great! Loved reading it.
    I’m totally going to end all my emails with POOP from now on. I mean, more than I already do.

  6. omg – that was hilarious, lol. And the goat video was classic – ha!

  7. ole bobo says:

    jus ole bob agin,thanks for the e-mail me an bess still gittin ready for blog post relese tom, bet i git the ole blck bags tonite. funny thing now ole google gonna give us a purty new widg to drive i guess, hell jus giime $5 and a lotto tickrt an i’m jus fine. any ways thanks

  8. Joanna says:


  9. Every time I come here, I realize that you just kick ass!! I love it!
    Clever, well written, informative and witty! It doesn’t get better than that.
    Bring Back pluto
    “ONE of THE GUYS”

  10. Andrea says:

    Hey, thanks for stopping by! And thanks for the e-mail tip. 😉

  11. @Roxane The Goat Renter Guy is totally real in Seattle, as well as Seattle and a few other select cities 😀
    @NGIP Thanks for the link! I’m glad you liked the Goat Renter Guy video 😀 Since you’re one of my favorites, I put you in my blog roll 🙂

  12. Nanny, I’ve been following this thread and what I’m really concerned about are the maimed sock puppets. You actually know someone who would weave such a warped web of wickedness? Was it the button eyes? Did they play foot monkey with it? Or did he just unravel the bottom knot and tear out all the organic stuffing?
    Shit, I’m trying hard here not to shed a tear, but I belong to PETA (Puppets for the Elimination and Torture of Assholes), and if we need to “handle” that bastard, WE WILL!
    You know where I live. Just say the word.

  13. Sparky says:

    I use Gmail and that was so very true. I laughed so much that now I’m POOPED. [giggle] 🙂

  14. Oh, the sheer awesomeness of this. I anticipate a late evening pondering what exactly “Rashida Jones Love Shorts” are, amongst these other gems.
    Wait – I mean, not exactly THAT sort of late evening. Rashida is nice and all, but . . . oh, nevermind. Funny post!

  15. Oh my you are funny 🙂
    I had no idea about the google adds in the email because I don’t use gmail or any other service. I have my own private account with no adds. Now I am going to wonder what kinds of adds are showing up to the people I email.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  16. MyLinda says:

    That was hilarious, thanks for stopping by my blog!

  17. Collette says:

    I noticed that the ads do pertain to something I wroye but did not know that with certain words I could get rid of them. Hmmm…wonder if it works with blogs, too?

  18. Cheri Pryor says:

    How juvenile am I that I’m still laughing over “poop”?? lmao!!!
    Loved reading the interview and am very excited that we share the same favorite meal. Where is your favorite place to eat out for spaghetti? I LOVE Macaroni Grill. Their meatballs are TAST-EEEE!! Mmmmmmm!!
    Goat Renter Guy…LMAO!!

  19. That is such a cool post… I think I wanna be your best friend and come over and visit you and stay with you for three weeks… can I come over while Brad is there??? Pretty please!!!
    I could have used that Goat Renter Guy this week, with The Hubs in the hospital, our grass hasn’t been cut in two weeks and looks like a jungle.
    Great post, have a great week.

  20. muskrat says:

    This is a BRILLIANT experiment. I’m glad you did it and shared it with the rest of us mortals who are too lacking in creativity to do such!

  21. mrsmouthy says:

    I may be missing the point of your blog, but Brad Pitt’s e-mail to you is AWESOME. Sitting one out, HA!
    I swear every single ad I’ve ever had on my computer shows before/after pictures of stomach flab, so I’m a little worried the Internet has eyes…

  22. michelle says:

    Thank you for the snort-laughs.
    This post inspired 2 super deep thoughts from me.
    1) My sister bought a bunch of beans for a potluck and got an automatically printed coupon for Gas-X with her receipt. Her lack of a sense of humor only made this even better.
    2) I am a jackass who always manages to find THE most inappropriate thing to say at a sensitive time…it’s by accident, but STILL. Example: Friend’s girlfriend overdosed a few days before his birthday. I ran up to him, on that birthday, screaming “Happy Birthday!!!”. He was somber. I got the hint. I made it all better by saying “Birthdays are so overrated anyway…mine was sooo boring last year that I wanted to kill myself!”
    Stopping by from SITS to say HI!

  23. AnnsRants says:

    Funny and techno-wowza. Off to read your interview!

  24. Brittany says:

    LOL I’ve never paid attention to my gmail at all! Now I will! Thanks for stopping by!

  25. goat researcher says:

    Article about the Issaqua, Washington goats that clear brush: (some of which were featured in the Goat Renter video)
    (Above article mentions a local company called Rent a Ruminant which also hires out their goats for brush clearing)
    Seattle area goat renting:
    Sacramento area goats for hire:

  26. Kayla says:

    Much fun…I wonder if google screens out sports terms….Sox massacre Yankees.

  27. deb says:

    i just want to know what time brad is getting there with the donuts.
    maybe you should change your name to nannie goats in poopy panties and your problem will be permanently solved!

  28. Gladys says:

    For the longest time all the ads, um I mean sponsered links had to do with sex. Now they are all about home loans. I’m not sure why because they pertain to nothing I write about.

  29. Braja says:

    I know, it makes me want to write false and invented emails on Gmail just so I can see the sidebar ad popup :)))

  30. moooooog35 says:

    ..but I’ve been stuck on the ad for ‘Rashida Jones Love Shorts’ and haven’t really been able to get past it.
    Rashida Jones Love Shorts.

  31. Jessica says:

    I’m working with my mother on a new program and now I’m using the google ad program. thank you for the heads up my friend. I will now NOT use the work killing or suicide in her ads. Whew!

  32. I’m still laughing over “Tap Into Your Inner Magic”. That could mean a lot of different things hone 🙂
    Now I’m off to look at my Goggle ads and your interview.
    Thanks for a great post.

  33. ozma says:

    Wow, fascinating! I wonder what their algorithm is. I’ll bet they have something that picks up on gender…that is just a guess.

  34. MG. Those ads ARE crazy! And your research was impeccable! As always an entertaining well written post from you! 🙂

  35. Bella says:

    yeah, for a paranoid schizophrenic those blogger aids in one’s email could be a little freaky!
    btw, I enjoyed reading your interview. Margaret, you’re a good writer and funny gal. Life without laughter every day is no fun!
    the video was cute, too. I wonder if there are any goat outfits around here for hire! I got a yard needs cuttin’!

  36. Mammatalk says:

    You are a crack up!

  37. Rita says:

    You. Are. A. GENIUS!!!

  38. LPC says:

    Best post I read all day. Should I email you and say that?

  39. Roxane says:

    Goat renter guy…please be a real life person!
    If Santa isn’t real please let GRG be!!!

  40. Mary says:

    That took a lot of time, but it’s funny stuff! I have to laugh at some of those side ads sometimes too. But I’m really happy for the filtering job they do. I can’t even use my regular ISP email account anymore for all the viagra and other male enhancement spam I receive there.

  41. Tami says:

    Do you need a sister? I just love you to pieces. You are funny and informative. Now i may have to go play for a while and see what comes up! 🙂
    (Thanks, as if I didn’t have enough crap to do….authors need this, authors need that……but I LOVE IT!)

  42. Bunny says:

    I just had to let you know this made me laugh so hard, especially the “HOMICIDE” email! I was having a super-cruddy day and this post really perked me up! Thanks!

  43. linlah says:

    Loved your resoponse to “summerize your life in 10 words”.

  44. Allyson says:

    Too funny!!! I guess I never paid any attention to my gmail. LOL
    Loved the last one. Very cute!
    Have a good one!

  45. Mighty M says:

    Haha – I’ve always noticed the ads, but haven’t paid much attention to how they relate to my content. Glad I have you to break it down for me! 😉

  46. Scott says:

    This is hilarious! I love your observations.
    My next email subject; OUR SUMMER HOLOCAUST.

  47. Pricilla says:

    I have a pain in my side but it is called Abby….
    Sometimes those google ads are quite inappropriate. I especially like the ones on my blog that talk about goats for meat. I am not a meal!
    Can I apply for a job with Goat Rental Guy. I would like to see the world….

  48. Oh, thank you! Those ads have been a burr in my side bar for the longest time! I may turn some people off with the keywords but it will make ME sleep better at night!

  49. Brad W says:

    Normally I read your column end to end, but was short on time today so decided to skip around to hit the highlights. When did you change your format? I saw so many Google ads in the middle column interspersed between the paragraphs, I just gave up. Let us know when you go back to the standard format. I get enough google ads on the right side of my pages, I’m not fond of them encroaching into the middle!

  50. Suzy says:

    Margaret, that was one of the most clever posts I’ve ever read in anyone’s blog.
    Maybe goat renter guy can come to our building and eat the barking dogs?

  51. SiteInsights says:

    Great tip! I’ll try to work fecal matter into all of my future correspondence.
    BTW… I’m actually pretty jealous that you have a friend named Trixie!

  52. That’s classic!! The”research” you did to document this issue is top notch. Well done!

  53. I was going to type this up as an email just to see what the hell Google would say, but I’m too lazy.
    You have far too much time on your hands, and I’d like to thank you for that because I feel so educated on gmail sponsored ads.