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Cantankerous Landlords and Crotchety Old Men (Who Yell at Cars)

For the last ten years or so, I’ve been waking up in the morning, not sure at first which bed I’m in. If you don’t know who you’re going to wake up next to each morning, it’s time to simplify your life.

And I thought I was. Of course, when you live in two cities, four hundred miles apart, owning two of everything doesn’t exactly have a minimizing effect. In fact, anything you do to simplify your ridiculously overstuffed existence is a joke as long as your TWO HOUSES and WEEKLY PLANE TRIPS are beating you about the face and neck. What is that you’re doing? Donating a bag of books to the library? HA! I laugh at your silly gesture of reduction. Why not try laying off the Southwest Airlines commute? Or hey, I know! What about moving in with your husband after 9 years of marriage and getting rid of half your stuff in one fell swoop, huh? Is THAT simple enough for ya?

What I can’t (or shouldn’t) do right now is sell my house in Los Angeles. And so I must rent. Blech.

“Landlord” is a four letter word. It conjures up images of Eddie Murphy wanting to kill one. Where did that word come from, anyway: Landlord? It sounds like some medieval concept from England where one is Lord of the Land. Yes, I am Lord of my Land and I command thee to hand over thy hard-earned farthings for the privelege of living on this land of mine of which I am Lord lest I throw ye in the dungeon!

I just want the people to pay the rent on time and not break my stuff. Is that too much to ask? Will I have to put signs all over the property like this one that I saw on the Passive Aggressive Notes blog?

landlord sign

And don’t you think I should be worrying about finding a tenant first, before worrying about how they are going to destroy my brand new kitchen? And how they are going to let their over-the-size-limit dog pee all over my brand new floors and let pee puddles sit there for days, staining in the shapes of various US Presidential profiles?

Oh, and please do tell me all your landlord/tenant horror stories so that I can lose as much sleep as possible.

I’m going to be one cantankerous SOB when I grow up.

And speaking of Cantankerous people…

I ask you: Who stops to blog while waiting for the ambulance to arrive? Talking about “If I don’t make it, it’s been nice and all.” Who opens their next blog post from their hospital bed with “I’m in renal failure“? And then writes another post that unfolds the drama of what happened after the ambulance arrived?

Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars. That’s who! And for such dedication and blogger bravery in the face of renal failure, I am giving him the Purple Kidney Blogger Award.

Joe, you’ve got a whole internet fan base (plus the HBDC community) behind you right now wishing you and Mrs. C the best. Get well soon, buddy!

If you don’t know the Crotchety Old Man, go over and say hello and wish him a speedy recovery. And I’ll let him tell you the ambulance waiting story HERE.  (Tell him Nanny Goats sent ya!)

small ban div

Goat Thing of The Day

Okay, kids. Brace yourself for this next picture. It was shown to me by Mike from Mike’s Mixed Memories.

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  1. AnnsRants says:

    You are a class act, Margaret. That was such a nice shout-out to Da Old Man.

  2. swirl girl says:

    I am a big fan of Joe’s…He’s the first thing I read on Wednesdays (caption this contest day)…
    and I am going to show that picture of th goat in braces to the 9 year old …if she doesn’t stop chewing pen caps and ice – this could be her!

  3. That? Is the GREATEST Sign EVER. Your landlord is awesome even if he is a dick.

  4. Muse Swings says:

    That goat has very scary eyes.

  5. Cheri Pryor says:

    I have no stories to tell….although we found ourselves being homeowners AND renters for over a year. I L-O-A-T-H-E the propery manager that we paid our rent to every month. In cash. On the first. She was pretty impressed with herself. I think she was the only one.
    Hope your blogger friend recovers quickly. I left a note for him…and spent a couple of hours reading some of his older posts. He’s a hoot!
    The goat with the braces frightens me. Reminds me of something that would show up my dreams if I was ill with a 102 degree fever.

  6. Oh, man! Feel better, Crotchety! I had no idea . . .
    Meanwhile, goat grill? It’s awesome. It’s what all the fashionable goats will be wearing in 2010.

  7. Here’s a sign for all the I’ll-Do-It-Myself-Cuz-I-Control-the-World landlords out there:
    Because I pay my rent on time everytime and I take care of this home like it’s my own . . . Answer your fucking phone and emails when I call to tell you the house you leased me has problems that you are responsible for fixing! That warranty issue with the water running down the inside of the wall? That’s you! That dead-for-8-months dishwasher? That’s yours! That water bill you keep forgetting to put in my name? THAT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!
    Sorry. You brought it up. 😉

  8. i LOVE that picture!
    no tenant/landlord horror stories. just wishing you good luck!

  9. Beau Horner says:

    They do presidents? All I can pull off is shapes of clouds…

  10. sheila says:

    I SOOOOOOOOOO need a sign like that for my renters. lol. Maybe another one that says “Pay your fucking rent on time or GTFO!”
    Ahhh, i feel MUCH better now!

  11. Nooter says:

    i just made a grover cleveland on the patio hee hee hee!

  12. Dejoni says:

    Soweet Grillz!

  13. Bella says:

    You know, I’d love to keep your house company and would offer my services for free!
    now that would be the ultimate Calgon bath getaway! a gal from Appalachia to turn up in LA! ha!
    Happy Fourth!
    p.s. my teen goat has braces too!

  14. Joanna J says:

    So that’s why you commute!
    Good luck with the renting. I’ll drive by your house and stalk your renters to help keep them in line if you want 🙂
    Happy 4th!

  15. Kirsten says:

    Awesome award for the old man!!!
    Love it!

  16. C. Andres says:

    Maybe you should get a third house between the two cities. That way, you can stay there to regroup when you feel like your life’s overly complicated.

  17. I’m not sure I would characterize that sign as PASSIVE aggressive, exactly …

  18. Sarah says:

    I’ve never rented or been a landlord…but good luck!! Hope you have tenants who are the cream of the crop!
    And man – what a dedicated blogger that guy is!

  19. Phillipia says:

    Love the award for DOM and I have to say, I did not brace myself enuff before I scrolled down to the goat pic:)

  20. My wife and I were landlords for 14 years during the last housing crises. It was great! We never, ever had a single problem! Really, I swear! Once you’ve gone landlord, you’ll never go back to being a common serf! It’s great! Loved it! Very profitable! Enjoy yourself! You know what? I think world peace is right around the corner, too! Wow!

  21. Deb says:

    Lords of the land, land of the lord, either way it sucks.
    Nice Crotchety award! I am sure if you print it out and shellac it to a piece of wood he’d wear it proudly.

  22. lisa says:

    Presendital faces of pee….that’s a keeper. I’ll ask my dog if he can do Nixon.

  23. Julie says:

    You’re too funny. Wishing you the best of luck in your new adventure. All I can say is screen, screen, screen your tenants.

  24. We were landlords once. The renters had their grown son and his young child move in and they had to lock the door into the garage to keep the son out of it so he wouldn’t steal from them.
    Once they left, we fixed up the house and sold it. Enough of that BS.
    As for Joe, he’s the best and I hope he is well soon. I think his blogging friends mean a lot to him.

  25. I have never been a landlord or a tenant. Unless you count living with my mother, which I did until I was 25. Which, now that I put that in writing, seems awkward and sad.

  26. I have no landlord/tenant stories to tell, although I’d probably tell more from the side of seeing bad landlords. I’ve never been a landlord myself. I don’t know if I’d like an…ahem…old goat like yourself being my landlord. 😉
    As for Crotchety, he deserves the award. Nicely done.

  27. Bobbi says:

    That sign is great!
    I’ve always been a renter and I’ve always taken good care of the property I’m renting. I would never think of destroying something that wasn’t mine.
    My animals are all housebroken and don’t have accidents anymore but when they vomit on the carpet, I clean it up as soon as I see it, or in most cases step in it.

  28. Scott says:

    Loved the pictures, the post, the everything. Bahahaha. Thanks for it all, Margaret. 😉

  29. mannequin says:

    Oh I wish I had some disturbing news to report about tenants.
    A nice childless middle aged couple with a small dog dressed in people clothes sounds like a good choice of tenant.

  30. Lisa says:

    First time landlords…the tenants, stole the washing machine, cut a hole in the door for their cats (At least they COULD go outside to poop, didn’t though), left a camping porta potty in the living room (evidentally they couldn’t figure out how to cut a hole in the bathroom door for themselves), left two junk cars in the yard, broke several windows, AND then sued us for not returning their deposit. (Didn’t get to court, momma went a little nuts on their crazy ass) Sold the house, last time landlords.
    Oh and goats don’t have upper front teeth, so that goat is a orthodonic MIRACLE!

  31. Rebecca says:

    You never fail to create genuine, out-loud laughter when I visit, I love it!
    I must say, I’ve been lucky with landlords, though I am a good tenant – so that my have something to do with it.

  32. Mary says:

    Love that sign. Sometimes you have to be firm ya know?
    The goat. Not so much.

  33. Sparky says:

    [whew] I thought you saw me yelling at passing cars and were gonna give me that award. [wiping brow]

  34. Pricilla says:

    Hmmm, I didn’t think Kevin needed braces but you never know….

  35. Mighty M says:

    I am emailing this link to my friend – she is a “landlord” and this is going to be right up her alley!!!

  36. Jan says:

    Okay…that goat picture?
    You’re paying for my therapy, right?

  37. LaTonya says:

    If you become so cantankerous that you’re putting out signs like that, just sell the damn thing!
    I can’t believe I’m second to comment! And it’s after 5p.m. Everyone must be on vacation! Good for me!

  38. What a picture! Loved it!
    Sherry at EX Marks the Spot