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How To Create Your Twitter Handle in Two Easy Steps

So this spammer person on Twitter with the very legitimate sounding name of Fulton604 started following me. Like a trenchcoat-wearing dark alley hoodlum who says, “Psst! Hey, buddy” kind of following me. Fulton604 is following 1,299 people, but only has 67 followers. I wonder what that means.

Actually, it makes me want to change my name to Plexus437. It sounds so cool. Like an alien space ship / area code mashup. Or, HEY – I know. This will be a new thing like

How To Create Your Twitter Handle in Two Easy Steps:

1. Take the make or model of your first car.
2. Guess how many Jelly Bellies are in this Elvis portrait:

Put the two together and you’ve got your next Twitter handle! Mine would be Datsun18. No wait! Datsun19.

Fulton604’s last tweet wants to know if I’m an older guy looking for a hot girl to take out and treat me right.

Why, yes. Yes I am. How did you know? Was it my masculine first name that made you think I was male? Was it all my twitter messages about adult diapers and cryogenic head preserving that clued you in to the fact that I’m “older”? And who isn’t looking for a hot girl? You are SO smart. You’re my hero, Fulton604. I wish I was just. like. you.

Then Fulton604 broke my heart. When I checked his Twitter page a couple days later, it was gone. GONE! I panicked. Where was I going to find “easyurl” hot girls now? I hyperventilated as I felt my new twitter buddy slip right out of my hands. I cried. I sobbed. I bawled.

Then I got this email:


Whew! I thought I’d lost him. And Velva? Yeah, that doesn’t sound sexual or anything.

Follow Me on Twitter Follow me on Twitter!


See also: Need Help With Your Twitter Bio? Actually That Wasn’t a Question.




Goat Thing of The Day


(seen at the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui)
Related Posts with Thumbnails


  1. Cheri Pryor says:

    Velva…reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when he was trying to remember the girl’s name that “sounded like a body part”. lol!
    And do you really think there are only 18 or 19 jelly bellys in that portrait? Because I’m thinking my twitter name would be Firebird4736.

  2. Alex L. says:

    Hahahaha… who honestly falls for those spambot things…
    Now I have to go… and check… something… out on… twitter…

  3. tera says:

    Ha! I would be Dodge7423. Or Dart7423. That sounds better. 😉
    I hate the spammer/stalkers. I don’t Twitter (Tweet?) but I started a BlogCatalogue thingy (I’m so tech it’s scary) and I keep getting friend requests from people who want me to buy ads on their websites. Sheesh. Buy me a drink first!

  4. kathcom says:

    Somebody had better get Elvis out of the sun or he’ll just be one big drippy jelly bean.
    I once owned a 1975 Toyota Corolla for six days. Bought it for $60 bucks. So I think I should be Corolla660.
    I have a barely reined in compulsion to buy every cool domain name I can think of that hasn’t already been purchased. Reined in by my lack of funds, that is.

  5. Fran says:

    Hello Margaret :o)
    Thank you for the comment on my post “Happy Canada Day”!
    Well that Fulton604 was… pffffffffffff…
    And I like the “flamingo/drumstick” guy! Oh he is smiling at me!
    Have a great day!
    Fran :o)

  6. following you on twitter as of NOW
    and my fake handle would be:

  7. Joanna J says:

    Just when I thought it was safe to start a Twitter account….. I’m going to have to rethink it.
    Great post!!! xo

  8. Valerie says:

    I would be impala64. lol I don’t really get a chance to be on Twitter a lot. I do check in on it almost every day though. lol
    Loved your post!

  9. Blond Duck says:

    Love the goat picture!

  10. peggy says:

    I found your post at Joanna place. You are hilarious. I just joined Twitter yesterday and automaticllly I had this strange follower. Not knowing quite what to do with him yesterday, I do today. Thank you!
    To answer your question…I would be vega 2002 or maybe impala 5010.

  11. wolf says:

    i stopped by after seeing the name of your blog at SITS. love it! we have a few of our own nanny goats here and seeing this picture made me laugh!

  12. franticmommy says:

    Hmmm..let’s see. So I’d either be Escort610 (Ford Escort) which is no good. Someone might think I am a ladye of the night and ask what kind of panties I’m wearing. OR is could be Rav4-609…(Toyita Rav4)do they allow dashes? there’s one less Jelly Belly now cuz I ate it. Love your blog name btw! 🙂

  13. LOL! This is why I don’t Twitter!

  14. Mary says:

    You’re in good company because I think both of them were following me too.

  15. ozma says:

    Hey…I want to follow you on Twitter. What’s your Twitter name? Or look for ozma (not my full twitter name)…I’m the green one.

  16. Jessica says:

    I dont’ think i have the time to come up with a name like that

  17. I guess I would be .. broken down piece of shit..uh let me get my shoes of so ..I can count the beans..One two…three.. wait minus one..That was good I love the red ones..

  18. Jenn Thorson says:

    I don’t know… “Velva”– could be a NEW naming convention– take the last part of an aftershave brand name as your first name.
    So in addition to my new screenname– Saturn565– I could also be:
    See this could totally work out!

  19. I’d be Horizon8967.
    Now…if only someone would create ANOTHER Facebook quiz to tell me what % girly my real Twitter handle is.

  20. Bella says:

    Besides, your site is much more fun! 🙂
    I hafta tell ya, Velva brings to mind Aqua Velva, and that brings to mind a person whose breath actually smelled Aqua Blue Velva Fresh, NOT!
    Yep, they drank that stuff for the alcohol content. I wonder if they got a buzz off that stuff! ha!

  21. Bella says:

    Well, I got invited to Twitter by a Blogstream friend, but I was not that impressed by anything over there, not even Velva!

  22. Suzy says:

    Yet another reason I won’t Twitter. After you figure out the names, you discover they have nothing to say. Neither do I but that’s a whole other story.

  23. I’m so glad I can hop over to your page for a little cheering up 🙂

  24. Nooter says:

    mmmm… jelly belly elvis…

  25. Gladys says:

    Hey I got that one too. So does that mean they are trying to hook us up? You know you are pretty hot…

  26. can i just say that elvis jelly bean portrait rocks

  27. Twitter seems to be the new hotbed of spam, that’s for sure. Or, no, wait, MSN’s Messenger service is the new hotbed of spam. Oh and so are cell phone text messages! Accursed spammers!

  28. nanodance says:

    Thank you for the twitter handle advice.

  29. Love this post. I was already following you on Twitter, but am now sad that I don’t have a more catchy Twitter handle to stalk you with (currently thinkthinkers – may have to adjust this to torana864)

  30. Visiting from SITS.
    I love your goats! The grandchildren call my mother “Nanny” and we joke her sometimes and call her Nanny Goat. She hates it! After seeing your blog, I want to call her and tell her now…better now though because it is 2 a.m. LOL

  31. I’ve always wondered what happened to Velva Daugherty. In high school, she always used to take pictures and go out with old men.

  32. Pricilla says:

    I must have that sign….I feel it would be most fitting on my Farm.
    I don’t drive and I am not a twit, well most of the time.

  33. I don’t know why your comment master of the universe threw out my name. I like my name. I don’t like Anonymous. It makes me feel cheap. Thanks a lot comment master of the universe. I’m telling Margaret.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Probably in another life, she was a he and a fish, and his name was Aqua Velva. Heh,heh. I know, LMFAO,right? Don’t tell me if you’re not.

  35. I would be Lincoln “Big Blue Boat” 666
    And I welcome the spammers. How else am I supposed to get more followers than Ashton Kutcher?
    Yeah, go ahead, follow me. I dare you.

  36. mannequin says:

    Velva? That’s smut talk dearie, smut talk.
    Twitter me this, Twitter me that!
    It is late and I am tired. I will curtsy and exit.

  37. Em says:

    Hm, I never thought anything cool would come from that vehicle.
    I stand corrected.

  38. Bobbi says:

    I started a Twitter page for my interspecies, homosexual dog and cat as a joke and a bunch of crazy porn people started to follow them! (!)
    I finally had to block them, the animals were “cleaning themselves” more often than necessary. Those people are a bad, bad influence.

  39. Scott says:

    Fulton as opposed to Velva…hmmmmm…
    Love the thing about the ‘Older Guy’. HA!
    I haven’t got a car yet, so THERE! 😉

  40. I’d be Colt19732
    Hmmmm Sounds like malt liquor stranded in a fancy zipcode.

  41. Beth Kephart says:

    This is just to say: Any of your yours works for me.

  42. Lisa Twombly says:

    I guess I’m DorkyHondaCivicStationWagon3000.
    I think Velva sounds sexy, in a kind of processed cheese product sort of way.

  43. Sparky says:

    Let’s see, I would be renault566748596857486965948474. No WAIT, that’s the National Debt now. My bad.
    I want the goat sign. :o)

  44. pphhtttt says:

    no wait! 19. lol

  45. I would be Corolla26. It sounds like a Mexican beer brand.

  46. Tracy says:

    Why should I waste time thinking of a Twitter handle when I could just steal them from the “internet marketing professionals” that are always trying to register at my forums.
    MalkorWinflex9027 here I come!