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Crime and Punishment: The Middle School Years

If my mother’s ashes weren’t scattered out to sea somewhere, I could ask her a few things I’ve been wanting to know. Like, who did she vote for? Did she believe in God? Why the hell did she marry that lying-ass idiot fourteen years her junior after she divorced my father? And most importantly, what the hell did I do that prompted her to make me write this?

(click to enlarge)
(click on pic to enlarge)

The nameless “SOME PEOPLE” is probably my sister. I don’t know whose wedding this was. I don’t even know when this was written but judging by my dubious outrage, the ridiculous self-righteousness, and my parent’s divorce in the early 1980s, I would say between 7th and 9th grade (circa 1977-1979).

So when I get to Heaven or the Great Whatever, the first thing I’m going to ask her is: “Did you read my essay with a sense of justice served by my punishment? Or did you laugh your ass off at my expense?”

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Useful Website of the Day: RunPee.com

If you’re like me, you can’t make it through the whole movie without having to pee and while this is not a problem at home with a DVD that can be paused at your convenience, this can be a stressful event in a theatre. You never know the right time to go because what if you miss something? What if that elusive kiss is finally planted while you’re down the hall relieving yourself? What if that key piece of information is delivered while you’re in the little girl’s (or little boy’s) room? And don’t you hate it that YOUR theatre is the one farthest from the dang bathroom?

That’s why you need RunPee.com. With RunPee.com, you can find out beforehand, the best times to pee during the movie. That’s RunPee.com. Because a Bladder is a terrible thing to hold.

Thank You Letter(s)

Thank you, Sparky, of My Thoughts Exactly for dropping this awe-summm bomb on me the other day:

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57 Comments

  1. Nanny Goats In Panties says:

    Yes, It is because I switched to Disqus.

  2. Kathy says:

    Why does this post have no comments? It has to be because you switched to Disqus. This is hilarious!!! I love your letter dripping with sarcasm and indignation. Wow. What drama!

  3. Cheri Pryor says:

    Congratulations on your award. And how GREAT is runpee(dot)com??? I HATE having a 44 year old bladder. There is just something not right about a grown woman doing the pee-pee dance in the stall of a public restroom after holding it for 2 hours…
    I just ran across my old diaries from Jr. High. Were we all that dramatic? lol!

  4. Mojo says:

    OMG, you’re not just a funny nanny goat, you were even a funny kid (Get it? “Kids” are what they call young… nevermind.) What a howl!

  5. It’s a wonder, truly, how we make it through middle school. What a great keepsake, even though it’s filled with middle school angst. It’s the real you at that timne in your life, and that’s what I love about it.

  6. Preston says:

    Margaret, you’ve been appreciated over at my blog. Please stop by and have a look!

  7. debbie says:

    You must have always known you’d be a blogger and that is why you held on to things like that! Love the indignation.
    And that runpee site – is that for real? Cause that is too funny!

  8. Lee says:

    Some people (including me, but not mentioning other names) will think this a classic composition. The injustice!

  9. The Muse says:

    well, i hate to admit this, but i had my sons write a letter of promise to me, regarding curfew!
    oh the shame of it all! LOL
    and yes, 30 some odd years later, i still have them!
    so funny to hear the other side of the fence view~lol …too funny!

  10. Ellie says:

    Unconstitutional indeed. I’m outraged at your expense.
    And your mom? Laughing her ass off.

  11. LaTonya says:

    OMG! You were funny even then. Your mother had to laugh at that letter! I had to contain myself. You are funny as HELL!

  12. Tricia says:

    I still write like that.

  13. Deb says:

    RunPee.com – what a riot! If only RunPee could plan out my whole day, not just when at the movies, what a perfect world it would be.

  14. mrsmouthy says:

    “Unconstitutional?” You were classic Nanny Goats even back then!

  15. Your “The Early Years” features aren’t quite the same as mine … Such neat handwriting though!

  16. LiLu says:

    That letter could only be better if the i’s were dotted with hearts.

  17. Amanda Jones says:

    What a funny letter! Finding old written things is so funny. Thanks for sharing…”unconstitutional” HAHA!

  18. MA Fat Woman says:

    Why didn’t I think of runpee.com?

  19. Scott says:

    Those were the days, hey? I remember when my brother’s world nearly came apart when he called me ‘dumdum’. In my childhood, that was a vicious nasty thing to say. Nowadays, children get away with way more…
    I like the way your composition starts wit mild indignation, and ends in outrage. You must have been a fun daughter to have- I think your mom would have had a good laugh, but in a loving way.

  20. AnnsRants says:

    That composition is so good I can’t even express myself. Oh, yes, I LOL’ed.

  21. kathcom says:

    Is it wrong that I still feel this kind of outrage now?
    I never had to do a punishment composition. My grandmother would’ve punished me by not letting me write, but she couldn’t watch me all the time.

  22. Sheila says:

    Now THAT is frickin hysterical! lol. OMG. My mom saved letters like that too. And too see the things I wrote, I’m glad she did. It’s very funny now that I’m an old bag. lol.
    SOME PEOPLE. Hilarious.

  23. Timi says:

    LMAO!!! I love it!
    If your mom was here she would probably tell you the same thing my mother tells me I asked “what were you thinking?” She said “I don’t know it seemed like a idea at the time.”
    The website is BRILLANT!!!! I just saw today that the movie companies are doing less chick flicks because they have determined that women don’t go to enough movies. Now we can get back in the theaters.
    Great post!
    I’m doing a Farm Chicks give away, stop over and sign up.

  24. Had to be jr. high – look at those circles dotting each of the “i”. Seems like we all went thru that phase!

  25. I think it is safe to say that was your first blog post E-V-E-R! It is a priceless jewel you should frame and hang in your blog room. Like people do with their first dollar made in a store.

  26. Joanna J says:

    So I see you developed your gift for writing at an early age! I LOVE the attitude-laced “composition” and that you didn’t name drop. I hope they let you blog in heaven so you can send us the follow-up story some day :-))))

  27. Ken Geraths says:

    Oh I think you will find that your mother was bustin a gut over that one…..lol

  28. Tiggy says:

    I’ve solved the ‘weak bladder at movie theatre’ problem. I simply go and watch movies that are rubbish. If I have to pee at any time during the flick, I know I’m not going to miss anything of interest. Simple, eh?

  29. Dejoni says:

    Funny shit!!!
    The RunPee.com is an answer to prayers thanks to two snot nosed kids who wrecked my bladder. Heathens.

  30. Anna says:

    LMAO “unconstitutional” that’s awesome!

  31. Roxane says:

    That could be the funniest “composition” i’ve even seen in my life. I will have to remember to enforce those as punishment to my own kids one day!
    As for runpee, I wish I would have known about this site last friday when I went to see Terminator! I swear I peed so fast my friend didn’t notice I was gone LOL

  32. Nameless Sister says:

    Of course I remember this composition … and yes, I would be the ‘nameless’ sister to which the writer refers.
    However, I, too had to write the same type of letter/composition to the parents of the bride of this wedding. I remember this well.
    There may have been a cousin of our at this wedding who did not need to write a letter to the bride’s parents.
    I did not keep my ‘said letter'; unless the writer of the post has it. However, I did think our mother send the letters/compositions to the mother of the bride.
    Without giving specific names, the bride was either Tammy or Tanya and they had a brother we called ‘Bubba’. And we (three?? cousin included) all did the same thing for which my sister and I got busted.
    Remember, now???

  33. Suzy says:

    I thanked God for killing my father’s third wife. I did this at her funeral. My sister was sure I was going to be struck dead. HA!

  34. Susan says:

    LOL…you were hilarious, even back then! I love that your Mom saved it! Susan

  35. Phew… tough mother…
    And your penmanship leaves something to be desired.

  36. Bobbi says:

    That is too funny!
    I’m sure all our minds are running amuck imagining what you could have done that was considered “tacky”. Did you dry hump the groom? Or maybe the bride?

  37. As the mother of a 13 year old, I feel very conflicted about this letter of yours.
    The (still 13) part of me thinks you are brilliant and should be the coolest girl in school. The mother of a 13 year old in me wants to take away your cell phone and internet access.

  38. Mike says:

    Between 1977 and 1979 i was being tacky by messing my underwear.
    But my parents never made me write anything.
    they just dipped my feet in ink and stamped it on some paper or some shit.
    What a couple of ‘tards.

  39. mannequin says:

    Well now, let’s try to look at this objectively. I think that possibly yes, she did laugh her ass off.
    My mother used to tell me to shut up and then she’d say, “you think you’re just so special, don’t you?”. I didn’t know whether to answer so didn’t. That prompted her to scream, “Answer me young lady!”. When I started to answer, she yelled, “I thought I told you to shut up.”
    See? They all did that crap, just to keep us creative.

  40. That is a letter worth keeping. I love finding those things…
    As for runpee.com, what an awesome idea! Wish I had thought of that. I guess the reason I didn’t is because I think I have the largest bladder in the universe. I can go a whole day without having to pee…go ahead, don’t believe me.

  41. vodkamom says:

    OH MY GOD -You were brilliant EVEN THEN!
    I love that damn letter.

  42. Sparky says:

    PS: Glad you like the award. You so totally deserve it!! Don’t forget to pass it on to 3 friends. :o)

  43. Sparky says:

    With my teensy, tinesy bladder I’m surpised I didn’t invent Runpee.com!!! Gosh, I can’t even go an hour sometimes. [lol]
    I love the composition. You were clever then like now. I wonder how your Mom reacted to the attitude. My dad would have hit me until I didn’t move anymore (really). I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion other than his. Maybe that’s why I’m so opinioned now … I’m making up for lost time. [giggle] xx :o)

  44. Scott says:

    Wow, sounds like a FUN wedding!

  45. Mighty M says:

    I can’t believe you had to right that letter! The outrage is subtle, but I can sense it’s presence…. ;-) I am going to have to check out runpee.com!!!

  46. Anne says:

    oh NO she didnt make you do that!!!!
    LOL girl, I once had to write a report about acne and face wash because I begged my mom to buy some expensive facial line, and then ditched it for soap and water … needless to say a report was written.
    I wish mine would have been as catty as yours… I’m so impressed.
    You had the sass then and you have it now!
    yay!
    xo

  47. Gladys says:

    Saph obviously you are not over 40 and are not the Octomom. I’m just sayin…
    I so love your composition. My mother never made me write one because she knows it would have turned into War and Peace and then i would have quizzed her on it.

  48. Saph says:

    Okay, I love, love, love your punishment composition. Hilarious.
    Runpee.com is a great concept, though I never go pee during the movie. Now that I think about it, who can’t hold their pee for two hours? Everyone that I know who can’t hold their pee for two hours, also choose what part of the movie they are going to miss. Oh well, still interested in checking out the site, though.

  49. Chris says:

    Wow, that sarcasm took root early, didn’t it? I’d love to hear your ostrich imitation.

  50. That RunPee site is awesome. What a great idea. Why didn’t I think of it? I’d be rich right now . . .

  51. Steph says:

    Between your “composition” and runpee.com this is the best Monday ever!

  52. Jan says:

    I also LMAO at “unconstitutional.”
    Yeah, you were in middle school, all right. How do I know? BECAUSE I HAVE HAD A CHILD IN MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR THIRTEEN STRAIGHT YEARS, THAT’S HOW!!
    But no longer – Thursday is my LAST DAY; the baby will be entering high school in the fall. I don’t know if I’ll laugh, cry or get rip-roaring drunk. The chances of all 3 are extremely likely.

  53. Kristina says:

    I totally need that pee guide for the movies! Awesome.

  54. Kathy says:

    I love how you consider the matter unconstitutional, too. LMAO. The whole thing is a piece of work. Bless you for posting it.

  55. Melly says:

    I knew you were a “cirle i dotter” and now I have proof.

  56. Tracy says:

    BTW, I love how you didn’t mention names. You aren’t a rat bastard snitch!

  57. Tracy says:

    It’s a wonder that anyone writes anymore considering how often it was used as a punishment back in the day.
    I really loved it when my mom would tell me to write down how I was feeling so she could understand, then she’d sit there and argue with me about my feelings. Now she says I reminder her of a North Korean border guard but who do you think made me that way, WHO?!?