I haven’t taken a bath since the sixth grade which, I realize, sounds gross and all but you’re my peeps and I figure I can tell you just about anything (except for that thing last year with the cop and the algae and the 437 rolls of bubble wrap – I’m not ready to talk about that yet.)
Anyway, some Frenchy frog blogger named Sheila (Ma Vie Folie) who makes natural bath products out of her garage or something sent me a boatload of products with a note attached that said: “P.U. You stink!”
Well. Of all the nerve.
Also, while it’s true I haven’t taken a bath since the sixth grade, it’s not like I haven’t taken a shower since then – sheesh!
Is it just me, or is it fun to get stuff in the mail? It’s me, isn’t it. You probably hate getting stuff. You guys are all givers, right? Not me. I take, take, take and take some more. My middle name is gimmegimmegimme.
So I tried the Orange Dreamsicle Lip Balm. I liked how the smell/flavor wasn’t overpowering enough to knock out small pets or the guy next to you on the subway, but enough for me to get a good whiff. And the balm is kind of soft, not like those mini-candles they sell at the impulse item section at Walmart. In fact, if I were the PR guy, I’d start an ad campaign with the slogan:
Try our balm. It doesn’t scrape the crap out of your lips!
Catchy, right? And that’s just off the top of my head.
I also tried the Mmmm Cheesecake! Lip Balm which had a little more punch in the aroma department, but if you like the smell of coconut (or at least I think it was coconut, it might have been pantyhose, I always get those two mixed up), then you’ll love the cheesecake flavor. Also? This stuff is even better than that Chicken Poop Lip Junk that I mentioned last year.
After seeking therapy over my childhood traumas surrounding bath tubs (my grandfather died in a tragic accident when he and I raced in the 1st Annual Downhill Bathtub Race of 1977 at the Cliffs of Dover), I decided it was time to get right back on that horse. Albeit thirty years later.
And while we’re on the subject of bath issues, I’m afraid to take a bath alone. I want my privacy, but if I slip in the tub, I don’t want one of my neighbors breaking down the door wondering what that awful smell is and discovering my naked, partially decayed body in the bathroom. How embarrassing. And what about when the cops arrive…
“What’s that smell?” Cop #1 would ask.
Cop #2 would plug his nose, “Rotting corpse?”
“No,” Cop #1 would say, sniffing the air like a mouse, “I believe that’s mocha mint.”
Anyway, as I stepped into the bathroom to prepare a nice hot bath, I discovered a spider on the wall – Eek! How am I supposed to relax in the aroma of Creamy Mocha Mint Latte knowing one of Charlotte’s cousins is hanging around waiting for me to fall asleep open-mouthed in the tub? And why is it that spiders only seem to appear AFTER you’ve taken off all your clothes?
So I hairsprayed the little guy to death.
I brought a book in with me, thinking that I would get bored just laying there in the tub, doing nothing, staring at the tiles, mentally developing my ToDo list, calculating how many more moving boxes I’d have to buy, what I plan to donate to Goodwill, which stuff is going to Sacramento with me, how will I find a mover to move just a few large things 400 miles, finding a handyman to fix all the broken stuff, researching for a property management company… you know, normal every day stuff.
I climbed into the salt-infused bath and breathed. I closed my eyes and took in the minty mocha aroma. Thirty minutes later, with the water cooled, the book untouched, and the ToDolist uncontemplated, I emerged a new woman, totally relaxed. After drying off, I felt my skin. It was so smooth, not like after lotion, but something else. Needless to say, I couldn’t stop touching myself (or is that not needless to say?)
Also? The thing I like about the bag for these bath salts is that it’s resealable. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I love things that are resealable. They make my day, that’s how much they mean to me.
I’ve never done a home facial mask thing and had no idea what to expect, but all I had to do was mix a teaspoon of water with a teaspoon of this green powdery stuff and smack it across my face for a few minutes.
Oh! And take a picture, of course:
I see this picture and think Halloween. Or Viet Nam.
But, I gotta say, after I rinsed off and dried, I kept feeling my face all night because it was smooth and tight and clean.
So, thanks for the stuff, Sheila, and if the rest of you are curious about all of her products at Aventine Hill Bath Emporium, check it out!
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a bath. And kill a bug.
Wink has finally been returned to her rightful owner. And let me just be Paul Harvey for a second and give you the rest of the story of how this egregious travesty went down:
Wink was discovered just a couple of hours after she got out of her yard. Animal control picked her up and called Save-A-Mutt. Why? Because they are listed as the primary owners on her LoJack chip thingy and refused upon adoption to have it otherwise. It’s been four years and they still won’t transfer primary ownership to the actual owner.
For unknown, unjustified, and undocumented reasons the people at Save-A-Mutt kept Wink and accused the owner, my friend, of neglect and improper care. They claimed she was matted and dirty when they got her. They claimed to have taken her to a vet who said she had gingivitis and an ear infection. However when pressed for pictures or documentation to prove these allegations, they were unable to do so. Yet, they refused to return Wink to her rightful owner.
Initially they said they would find a more suitable home, but then lawyers got involved and seven long non-Wink weeks went by before a bitter and reluctant Save-A-Mutt rep agreed to return Wink TO HER RIGHTFUL OWNER. But…she had a list of demands including but not limited to:
1. Wink must see a vet at least once a year. (She already does.)
2. She must be groomed at least every other month. (She already does. In fact, she missed her last 6-week appointment and numerous bath appointments because Save-A-Mutt held her hostage FOR SEVEN WEEKS)
3. Save-A-Mutt must be allowed to inspect and check on Wink after one year to ensure she is being properly taken care of. If they believe Wink is being neglected, they have the right to take her away.
I don’t know what misguided, low-self-esteem, overcompensating, bitterness issues these people have, but to use my friend as a scapegoat was hateful and hurtful. And makes me want to say mean things. As I understand it, it was really just one person who was causing all the trouble.
So if you want to “sick your dogs” on someone, or give them a piece of your mind, you can contact them at the email address on their website. WHICH SUCKS BY THE WAY. I’m just saying.
I haven’t read all the comments…but has it ever dawned on you that you could slip in the SHOWER? lol!
Love me a HOT bubble bath with a glass of (insert any alcoholic beverage here).
And Wink? Cute as can be…and am now wanting to kick some Save-A-Mutt butt. Morons.
Yeah for fun mail and I have no idea why spiders show up when you are neckky… just part of lifes cruel tricks!
You hair sprayed the spider! ’cause what else are you supposed to do with them? Did he just stick to the wall? Interestingly I found two smushed spiders on the plastic accordion thingy that keeps the cold air in the freezer. In other words, since that last sentence was really confusing, they got the door shut on them. They must have crawled in when I opened the door to pull out some pork and didn’t move fast enough. Stupid spiders. I should have taken a picture but my daughter was screaming so loudly I wasn’t in my right mind.
That wasn’t even what I was going to say and now I have gotten off track and I can’t remember what I was going to say.
I’m glad wink is back and those petfinder people should be shot.
Wow! Haha! Congratulations on being able to take a bath again! Haha! I can’t wait to read about that thing last year with the cop and the algae and the 437 rolls of bubble wrap. Haha. Great post!
I haven’t taken a bath since 1973 and don’t plan to ever take one again. Something about a bath feels very wrong to me. It’s like simmering in a “Me Soup” , it just feels weird. Not to metion, you really have use the shower anyway to rinse off and wash your hair. Two step cleanliness is not for the habitually lazy (me). Besides, the less time I spend with my own nakedness, the healthier my self-esteem remains. There’s not enough prozac for me to start taking baths as much as I would probably benefit from the minty-mocha freshness of it all. I’ve got issues. . .
Hey if all that bath stuff is natural, you’ll be able to survive off it, ‘if’ the zombie apocolypse ever comes…
Ha… if.
Thanks for stopping by, come on over anytime. And you right….why is it that the bugs come out after you’ve taken your clothes off or already have gotten in the shower.
Noah could have left those off the Ark.
What in the H, E, double hockey sticks is going on with people nowadays? Holding dogs for ransom? RANSOM??!
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I quite enjoyed my Poop Du Jour story myself. Generally, I’m the only one who enjoys them, so thanks for joining my club!
showers rule!
spiders stink!
face masks rock!
puppies ………….
BARK (silly)!
LOL
Hah, baths always made me feel icky when I was young, I haven’t taken one since very young!
This post just made my night- my roommate (who is moving back home next semester) hairsprays bugs. I thought she was the only one who did that!
Hilarious! I mean about the bath stuff, not the dog. I must say that I’m still a giddy idiot when I get stuff in the mail, that doesn’t mean that I don’t like sending stuff but it’s so fun to get it. By the way congratulations on your bath. 🙂 And I’m glad to hear that the dog was given back to it’s rightful owners.
I’m checking out the store now! Those products look wonderful!
Ew about the spider!
I’m glad Wink is home now!
PS – Make sure you check out the annual Tuesday F. Whitt Blog Party, going on till the 12th! Let’s kick pediatric cancer’s butt one dollar at a time! Go to http://www.fundraiserblog.blogspot.com/
I have a very VIVID imagination. And I can’t get those 2 cops out of it!! (thanks to the sudden burst of laughter at “mocha mint” that scared the cat)…
“Rotting corpse?” … “Nah”… but in my mind, while attempting to read the rest of your blog, these 2 cops just start arguing over what that precious scent is.
Right around the hairsprayed spider, Cop #1 finally gets past the corpse smell to realize his partner’s NOT losing it but argues the hint of mocha is coming from the coffee he spilled that morning on his right sleeve. Cop #2 says, “I’m good… but not THAT good.”
Instead of shutting off my imagination and focusing more on your blog, I start working what I’m reading into my silly scented cop scenario as if it was a dream being influenced by the reality I could partially hear.
Cop #2 says, “Nah, I’ve smelled this before… it’s triggering memories of my Grandmother… how she smelled after her trips back from the South of France.” Cop #1 answers, “The grandmother you found dead in bathtub when you were 12?”
“Yeah… that one.”
As they both make their way into the bathroom, Cop #1 asks “Back in the 60’s right?
“Yeah… she’d slipped and fallen. We were staying there a lot ’cause Dad was off to war in Vietnam.”
And just as they were both entering the bathroom, the first cop jests “Wasn’t she naked? Ha! …I bet that image is burned into your brain.”
“Actually… not really. I don’t think about it much… wait… that scent. It’s strong in here…”
He pulls back the shower curtain and…
“GRANDMA!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!”
…
A.D.D.: it’s a love/hate relationship.
Jeebus, I lol’d at your picture with the face mask.
Oh, and good thing about Wink too! Woohoo!
Save a mutt sounds like a scam. Get the dog back and charge the rightful owner or else charge someone else to adopt the pet. This really pisses me off!
About that bath thing…..I can’t believe you’ve wasted your life showering all these years. What better luxury than soaking for half hour in your own dirty water? No really, I’m a bath person but I keep being told how disgusting that is….but I don’t care. TMI? yeah, probably.
Blessings, I still get tickled everytime i think about your blog title “Nanny Goats in Panties”, they don’t get any more original than that. As for coconut smell and pantyhose? Good lord i could stop laughing and asking myself whose pantyhose smells like coconuts and why would one mix the two smells which are worlds apart. You are funny. Enjoy the rest of your week.
I read ” I see this picture and think Halloween. Or Viet Nam.” and then I peed myself.
Also, I can’t believe Save-A-Mutt is their real name!!! I thought you were just calling them that to protect them from hate mail or something. What a terrible shelter name. I can’t believe the ridiculousness of this whole situation.
Poor little spider. I’d have done something similar I expect :O) I don’t take baths anymore. Too hard getting out now :O(
So glad to hear Wink is home! I don’t understand these shelters that harrass people who have adopted pets from them. They should be grateful that people want the pet enough to go through their ridiculous screening process. We got our last dog from the town shelter. Easy peasy.
Ten years ago, I would have probably had the same spider reaction, but, I gotta say, after living in Hawaii for several years now, if it’s not the size of my hand, it just doesn’t freak me out anymore. I would have come in and relocated your little spider guy for you! 🙂
Glad Wink made it back home. How terrible that they wasted so many resources going after a good pet owner.
Okay. First, I’m glad for Wink.
Second, you do a post about taking a bath and you don’t post any naked pictures of yourself? What gives, dammit?
But I’ll stumble it anyway.
P.S. I don’t take baths because I’m too tall to fit in most bathtubs.
My vote goes to Viet Nam! What a bunch of bozos at save-a-mutt …. you’re right their website sucks
Death by hairspray– love it! talk about resourceful.
And glad Wink is back home! Those people are ridiculous.
I decided to do them at home from now on because the people giving me the treatments in the spa couldn’t stop touching me either.
Yay Wink is home!!!
wow. You were all over yourself last night, weren’t ya honey?
A necked woman with a can of hairspray.
Just brutal, honest blogging here.
And hey french lady with the free stuff, I’d smell too good either.
i’m thinking for sure . . . Viet Nam. . .
SO glad the pup’s back! I’m a first time visitor today and I have to say I LOVE that you killed the spider with hairspray. I have done that before myself and I have to say…resourceful women rock!
I feel like I need a bath, but not in a I-feel-dirty way…. it’s a I-feel-jealous way. BTW, I’m not sure green is your color.
I’m so glad Wink had a happy ending.
I love the picture of you with all that stuff on your face…and to tell you the truth, I too have killed a spider in the bathroom with hairspray. It really does the job.
Now as far as Wink is concerned, I am so glad she has been returned home. The pictures you had on your blog of her were enough to show that she was taken care of properly. I think what Save-A-Mutt did was horrible. They spent all the energy and money to keep a dog away from an owner who was properly taking care of the dog. They are idiots. And yes, they’re website sucks the big one.
I love a hot bath and a glass of wine.
Good work with the hair spray.
Actually I take a bath daily. I have never been much of a shower person, unless I have been working in the yard, or camping, or something equally dirty and sweaty.
I am so glad Wink is home. I have three dogs and they have made escapes before and scared me witless. I am glad they weren’t adopted from lunatics.
Glad you got to enjoy a good pampering!
totally hate getting stuff in the mail.
love that picture.
As a daily bather I was unaware that I could become a rotting corpse with a spider in my mouth. Thank you for the warning. 🙂
I am happy that Winks is back where she belongs. She looks perfectly well cared for to me.
My Rudi has a lo jac chip with both our info and the rescue info. But just to be safe he also has an engravable bone shaped tag (Thank you Petco) with our address on it. I can’t live without my weiner. Dog that is.
Not to question your pest elimination strategy but didn’t the spider’s little fury corpse cling to the wall after all that hairspray?
Now if you had added a lighter to your set-up….
oh, and about wink, take him to another place and have them put a different chip in.
uhh-kay, lots of material to cover here:
1. if i said i hadnt eaten since sixth grade would viewers send me snaks? can you help me get started with this?
2. totally, totally agree with the not liking baths thing. always makes me smell funny and the guys at the park make fun of me afterward. ‘dude, you smell like a perfume salesman in a flowershop hahaha!’
3. mmmm… cheesecake…
4. ‘I’m afraid to take a bath alone’
the human says to tell you he would like to help you overcome your fears; call him anytime.
5. i knew it! i knew it! you have spider spies in your house too! i was right!
6. hairspray? dontcha have somethin a little more pertinent like say, raid? or are you savin that for somethin else?
7. the human saw that photo and says never mind on the offer of help.
8. haha! nannygoat fell asleep face down in her pesto!
have a nice day
I don’t take that many baths either…who has the time??
However, I feel so sad for that wee spider you murdered. And worse yet, how are you going to scrape the little bugger off the wall once the spray hardens into a cryogenic mass?
I’m glad the doggie is back home 🙂
I’m not a bath taker either. I have a friend that takes a bath every day. I prefer hot showers. I think if I had a nice big bathtub I might enjoy baths a bit more.
And spiders are soo gross! My 7 yr old son is the spider killer at our house. He hears his older sisters scream and he comes running with a shoe… LOL
The photo of you alone was worth the price of admission for this one. Did it hurt that much? 🙂
Yeah, you’re right I just HATE getting packages in the mail. I used to get lots of them (on-line shopping) but I got so tired of opening box after box of clothes and coffees and shoes and books…that I asked Wall Street to suck 47% of my moola out of the 401K. Now I’m lucky if I get someone elses packages delivered here by mistake.
Love the pics and the stiff spider!
I’m not a bath person either. However, you made it sound so magical…I was tempted…and then I discovered that one of the unfortunate side effects of a bath is that you can’t stop touching yourself afterwards. I decided to stick with the showers. In this town, you get arrested for crap like that.
So the spider copped it, but the funeral parlour cosmetician’s work was half done? Nobody ever sends me free stuff, apart from offers to buy male, er, enhancement pills and Genuine University Diplomas.
Neither of which offer appleals to me, that would be like admitting I’m dumb and, well, I’m not going there here.
One time we took Tucker to the vet and they had a new technician on who found a flea on him (we had just gone to Fiesta Island, where the dogs often pick up a flea or two) and decided that meant we had a house infested with fleas. He also asked us, “Has this dog ever been to the vet before?” Ummm, maybe you should LOOK IN YOUR OWN RECORDS and find out? Morons.
Now I feel the urge to take a bath.
EW, spiders! I really wish I were the type of chick who was not afraid of bugs. It’s a tad embarrassing to freak out over them but I honestly can’t HELP it. Maybe if spiders looked friendlier I’d be okay. But they just look…hairy..and all those LEGS..okay, I’m freaking myself out just THINKING about them now. I better go.
I will not be caught DEAD in a bath. Sitting in my own filth has never and will never appeal to me, I don;t care how sweet I will smell. It’s disgusting to me. I’m a shower girl ALL the way!
Baths? Huh? Being a guy, I can tell you I haven’t had a bath in who knows how long. I jump under the shower, rub a little soap on myself, dry off, and then roll on some deodorant.
I spray spiders with anything! I once used aresol deodrant that belonged to my mom. (years ago) Spiders that are dumb enough to crawl into a bathroom deserve any killing treatment.
I don’t get it. Does the spider have hair? Is it frizzy? Does it have all those fly aways?
Ow. That last one hurt.
Er…Chicken Poop Lip Junk?? GAH-ROOOOOOSSSS!! That’s so nasty!
YAAAY Wink!! What a load of CRAP!
Halloween or Vietnam. hehehe I love it. You crack me up.
All right that thing about Wink has me all riled up. What right do they really think they have to take beloved pet and keep her hostage? That’s just wrong. We need to start a petition to transfer ownership from the asswipes to her rightful owner. Where do I sign?
Oh, and you smell good. I assume.
What a cute little dog.. wink wink..
Wow, I thought *I* was the only one who hairsprays creepy crawly critters to death! I must admit I’ve done that more than once. Some months, I use more hairspray shellacking an errant wasp or spider to death than I do on my own head. I prefer this method, of course, because I can’t squish things to death – it’s another one of my *things* (I dropped your name in my things related post over on my blog, btw).
I too am not a bath taker. I prefer a long, stand-underneath-the-spray-til-the-hot-water-heater-tank-is-empty-and-I’m-shrivelier-than-a-raisin showers. Maybe if I had fancy-shmancy Bath Things, I might reconsider. But I think I’d have to have a fancy-shmancy bathtub as well, and neither the house we are currently in nor the one we’re moving into sometime in the next two weeks (EEP!) have such a tub.
I have done many a home facial mask thing, though – love, love, LOVE them! I like both the “clay” variety and the “peely” variety that dries on your skin like plastic and peels off in one, freaky piece.
And in conclusion of this edition of Long and Rambly Comments, YAY WINKS!!! So glad you’re back at home where you belong!!!! I shall now recall the Ghost of Skeeter the Evil, Kung-Fu Fighting Goat as her powers are no longer needed. 🙂
Welcome home, Wink! My mutts send their licks and butt-sniffs.
Places like Save-A-Mutt should be grateful to have loving homes for their pets to go to. They are idiots and I hope they learn from this experience.
I actually laughed OUT LOUD, FO’REAL which is amazing because I’m so tired I thought myself incapable of any facial expression whatsoever.
The bathtub derby thing, needless to say, the picture..
I emailed them too. I just love giving people like them a piece of my mind.
The good news is I can still transform into a spider. The bad news is you need to have the mole on your left thigh looked at.
The publicist hates spiders. You need a cat. Cats eat spiders. Well, almost all of them. Ours leave the legs….
I am glad Wink is home!!!!!!
Yay!!! Wink is HOME!!!
And not to worry, I emailed them (you’re right; their site is hideous) and gave them a piece of my mind.
They now know they are complete fucktards.
I have hair sprayed, Lysoled, and deodorized spiders to death. I feel your pain. ICKY!!!
So glad Wink is home. I can’t believe it took so long. That’s just RIDICULOUS!!
You are a total hoot. Or is that a hoot nanny????
Glad Wink is finally home – those people are terrible. Have her ask her vet about changing the owner information on the chip. I’ll bet that they can do it.
Have a great weekend!
I am so happy Wink is home.
What a load of crap!
Looks like some great bath stuff.
You’re the best, lol. What a wonderful review! Enjoy!
EEEEEKKKK!!!! (I’m talking about the spider)