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‘Dude Walks With Cars’ is neither Aerosmith, nor Native American

Yesterday I had lunch with awesome funny gal, Suzy Soro, author of Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die. What does that even mean? Does it refer to all the delusional people who comes to Hollywood for fame and fortune, only to end up on the corner of Loser Street and Crack Boulevard, peddling what’s left of their good looks in torn fish net stockings, or standing on street islands advertising a lack of residence, or worse, selling Star Maps?

We met for lunch at Buddha’s Belly in West Hollywood, whose food I would love to brag about, but as soon as you found out I was an investor, you’d go: “Oh, yeah, I’ll be going there REAL soon”, so ask Suzy, she’ll tell it like it is, man.

Suzy, whom you must never call ‘Sue’ while shaking her hand, lest ye pull back a bloody stump, was trading wit barbs with our waiter, Matt. Did I mention Suzy is a stand-up comedian?

Here’s a picture of our illustrious server:

You can also follow him on Twitter. Best to do it now, too, because when he becomes a famous movie star, good luck getting him to follow you in return then. This would also be your opportunity to ask him about his orange hat. That’s Matt Kawczynski. Rhymes with Ted Kaczynski. (Not sure if he changed the spelling to avoid the association.) The same goes for me, by the way. (The Twitter follow, not the unabomber uncle relation).

So anyway, I’m driving back to my place in L.A. and while waiting for a light to turn green, this guy walks past my car with a sign advertising his lack of residence.

I don’t know about you, but it really bothers me when a dude walks with cars. It seems so pushy and I don’t respond well to pushy. I lose my compassion and want to yell things like, “Hey, if you can stand all day in the middle of traffic, you can stand all day in front of a grill, pal!”

Maybe the pay is better on Beverly Blvd, but if he came to L.A. to live out his dream and failed, and he wants to work on the street holding a sign, he can do something more respectable like, I don’t know, sell STAR MAPS.

small ban div

Goat Thing of the Day

Hey, did y’all hear about the magic goat that was arrested for armed robbery? He is accused of stealing a car.

How silly is that? Everyone knows goats only steal tractors.

(Thanks, Cakelet!)

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  1. Braja says:

    You had LUNCH with SUZY??? And I wasn’t invited??? Did you even buy me an ABSENCE DRINK??? Jesus wept….

  2. Amy says:

    Oh I just love seeing your goat every time you stop by. Thanks for popping in.

  3. Blond Duck says:

    LOL! I like the goat joke.

  4. sheila says:

    Dude, your waiter looks freaky scary. ((shiver)) lol

  5. Here in Scranton, PA, we get people standing in the middle of busy intersections, holding buckets and begging for change for whatever charity is hot that week.

  6. Donna says:

    sounds like a fun afternoon. nothing like being entertained while having a good lunch.
    To reply to your comment you left in my comments….I think your blog is pretty darn tootin entertaining and I just might be featuring you on my Sunday Spotlight one day too. 🙂

  7. Ah, California. How I miss being accosted in the grocery store or in the parking lot as I’m trying to leave. Good times.
    I thought the guy was wearing a beanie. Was he hilarious?
    Hey, thanks for “stopping by” the other day.

  8. fidget says:

    growing up I lived in an.. uhh infamous Florida city and the bums made a niiiiice living. We followed one, he drove a freakin caddie. Brand spanking new car smell reeking new.

  9. Tina says:

    Buddha’s Belly? What a great name for a restaurant…I can hear myself there now saying, “Dessert? Sure, why not. My belly’s not as big as THAT guys!”

  10. So how do you know that the guy running between cars wasn’t your waiter? He IS a good actor, I’m sure.

  11. If i’m walking in between cars, it means i’m desperate for money but I will not look for a handout, I will offer services for money. Not those services, actually i’m desperate, so yes, those services.

  12. Pricilla says:

    My publicist comes from Philadelphia where people walked with cars all the time. It made her nervous too.
    Now I would like to know where I can get one of those totally awesome goat crowns. I think I would look terrific in one!

  13. Or he could stand on the corner twirling a sign that says “Tacos” with an arrow pointing to where the tacos are, except he’s twirling it so much that you can’t tell where the heck the arrow is supposed to be pointing, so you just ignore him and drive on and never get any tacos and it’s all the sign twirler’s fault, and for this they pay him $27 an hour.

  14. Rhea says:

    BTW, I love this post title. HILARIOUS.

  15. Rhea says:

    Any person walking through cars is totally going to get a leg run over.
    Which is sad…but also natural selection…

  16. Jeannie says:

    Thanks for more laughs!!!

  17. Gladys says:

    I used to live in San Diego and the naked cowboy downtown by Horton Plaza would walk with cars. He would walk up to your car with his man bits hangin there like turkey waddles and try to get you to give him money. yeah baby that makes me want to give you a couple of bucks.

  18. Alex L. says:

    I’ve never had a performer waiter before… well one that wasn’t topless.

  19. Jeff says:

    Great post title. Why does someone who walks in the middle of traffic think people would want to stop and help him? Whatever.

  20. Alison Veres says:

    Hollywood just seems like a scary place to me. Ever since I saw the movie Mulholland Dr. with the creepy cowboy and the scary man behind the restaurant, I’ve been afraid of it.

  21. I don’t do ‘pushy’ either. Gets my dander up. Beggers with hands outstretched may come back with a bloody stump. [wink]
    The goat in a tiara is too funny for words.
    I’ve got something for you at my blog post for today. Enjoy! ♥ ∞

  22. I work in an arts center that is a “government building”, meaning it’s owned by the city. We get a lot of homeless people asking for money. One totally got grabby with one of the girls that work here and he’s now been kick-out and not allowed to return to the building.
    Your server cracked me up. I’ve never been LA or Hollywood… I’m sure it a whole different world than what I’m used to.

  23. But what if he came to your door and sang you a song? 😉

  24. Anna Lefler says:

    I totally agree.
    As we used to say under the Golden Arches, “If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean.”

  25. lizspin says:

    Did he at least offer to wash your windshield, or don’t windshields get dirty on the west coast????

  26. swirl girl says:

    Even in the burbs of LA (Thousand Oaks) – we have bums and beggars. Only ours have Iphones instead of the cheapies. They hold signs that say “Will work Part-time for food” and sit outside of Starbucks.

  27. Betts says:

    That is the nice thing about living in Vermont, the homeless don’t hang around here… it’s too cold in the winter. Well, I guess it’s a good thing unless you’re homeless.

  28. jessica says:

    I’ve eaten at Buddha’s many times. I knew Suzy (not well at all) from my stand up days.
    Seriously, you and I are due for a lunch date.

  29. MJ says:

    Where can I get a hat like that?

  30. Babs says:

    I sometimes wonder which is worse – *to end up on the corner of Loser Street and Crack Boulevard, peddling what’s left of their good looks in torn fish net stockings*, or to make the big time and end up on cocaine and the slippery slope to oblivion!
    That life’s not for me – although I did have a relative who went to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune. He became one of the all time greats!

  31. Muse Swings says:

    Well there’s also that “you never know who is one of God’s angels thingie…but I’m pretty sure an angel wouldn’t be caught dead in a green jacket. I should know. I have a green jacket and I’m no angel.

  32. KathyB! says:

    I am so annoyed by the people who walk with the cars. We just moved from San Francisco and it really used to un-nerve me!
    I’ll have to start locking up my valuables. I no longer feel safe knowing that thieving goats are wandering in our midst…

  33. Lady Fi says:

    That waiter looks as if he’s going to go far! Love the look!
    As for that car-toting goat.. who knew?

  34. Kim says:

    Ah yes, the cardboard personal advertisement. I particularly like it when they are holding theirs while standing in front of a window that is currently displaying a Help Wanted sign

  35. Dreamybee says:

    When I was in high school, working the requisite restaurant job, there was a homeless guy that used to beg on the corner right outside our restaurant. Our manager actually offered him a job one day, but he turned it down because he was making better money on the corner.

  36. moooooog35 says:

    If Spongebob can get a job, anyone can.
    You can use that.

  37. mannequin says:

    Where Hot Comes to Die in torn fishnet stockings. How poignant.
    I am grief stricken when I am subjected to dudes walkin with cars. Not being of the pushy nature, I roll up my windows tightly and turn my head. This way I don’t have to accept the harsh reality that there are some among us with no scruples. Or homes.

  38. annette says:

    Is that goat wearing a tiara???

  39. AnnsRants says:

    Perhaps she meant those poor souls in costume outside of the Chinese Theater??
    BTW, Have any old posts you love that noone ever read? I’m hosting a little party over at my place next week while I’m on vacation. Send me something to if you want to join in! I want to coordinate it all in the next day or so!
    And If I twittered you’d be top of my list…;O)

  40. Suzy says:

    When I first thought of the title of my blog it was because everyone in LA was so smoking hot I cxouldn’t believe it. Now I just think they should all die so I can get their jobs. Makes sense, right?

  41. happyian says:

    ‘I was going through your drawer and well…. I found a bunch of star maps… Have you been dealing??? At least deal heroin like jail-dad!!’

  42. I was at the Starbucks drive up the other day and this guy was coming up to all of the mini-van mamas and standing there waiting for them to roll down their windows so he could ask for some $$. I am sure he just really needed a double tall extra foamy latte! When he got to my window, I just looked at him and mouthed “Go Away!” He went on to the next car. Some nerve, huh! P.S. Thanks for the apron comment! 🙂

  43. Luci says:

    Waiter dude kind of reminds me of Latka, Andy Kaufman. And thanks for pointing out the splendid little hat atop his head. Just thought it was a light fixture or something.

  44. Amber says:

    Your server looks like a fun guy. I love fun servers.
    I’ve been having bad luck finding good servers. Most of the ones I get practically hurl the silverware at you and ask rudely what you want to eat. Then if you ask for a burger made without pickles or something they give a long sigh as though this is a terrible request. I almost want to apologize. Actually, I think I did once. I really need to stop apologizing for silly things. It’s on my To Do list.

  45. Ah, we do live in a strange world! Did enjoy reading your post tonight, was just the giggle I needed!

  46. Shelli says:

    I live in a very small town in Ohio. We have the people who beg for gas money bc their car ran out. It’s funny how you see them 3 days later, in the same spot, still out of gas!

  47. Bobbi says:

    Suzy must have been saying something awfully interesting to command that look of attention.
    I love her, she’s funny!
    If the goat was magic, how did he get caught?!

  48. Mary says:

    Wow, why does the waiter remind me of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka in that photo? I’m sure he’s a real stand-up fella, though.
    “If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it…”