Dear Charities,
No.
No, No, and No!
I have not won the lottery, so please quit acting like it.
You may not have all (or a part of) my unemployment check.
If I send you a substantial check once a year, at the same time every year, and you even have me listed as a “Broadcast Circle Member”, I will not be sending you additional checks every two months during the rest of the year, so save a tree already!
If I gave you money because my friend rode a bicycle, or ran a long distance for your organization, that does not mean I want to be a lifetime donator to you people. I was just supporting my friend for a cause. If you want more money, go ask her for it. Leave me alone.
If my friend’s mother died and in lieu of flowers, I donated money to you, do not continue to mail me solicitations for more money. You are only pissing me off and giving yourselves a bad name so that every time I see your name, I will seethe in anger, rather than fondly remember a dead loved one, so thanks a lot for that.
Sending me return address labels as a “gift” for my anticipated donation will only result in one less item that I throw in the trash. I hate you people more than anyone else, because now, I will either feel guilty for keeping something without donating, or I will feel guilty for throwing a perfectly usable product in the trash. I mean, if you’re going to go to the trouble of making them, I will have the audacity to use them. And I will feel guilty about it. One hundred and twenty times. Also? I will have the nerve to be angry about any name misspellings.
I already have my favorite causes and most of you are not one of them.
I have a good mind to call you and tell you that you can’t afford to waste money sending me mail. It makes for fewer resources actually HELPING people. But then I’m afraid to call you and tell you that, because I’ll feel guilty because I will be essentially saying, “I never ever EVER intend to give to your organization!” Followed by an outright slam of the door in your virtual face.
My kingdom for an easy, convenient, guilt-free (i.e., magical) way to say no!
So, which box on the Form of Life do I check to opt out of this relentless barrage of mailbox garbage?
GAHHH!!!
Your sincerely,
Nanny Goats
Goat Thing of The Day
No Maui vacation is complete without a visit to the Surfing Goat Dairy!
Awwwwww, 4-day-old goat kidlets!
Buy a bag of hay for a dollar and let the kids feed the kids!
You can get a guided tour of the farm, and if you hit it at the right time of the day, you can help herd the goats in for milking.
You can taste (and buy) their goat cheese (which appear on various restaurant menus throughout the island). They also sell goat milk soap and T-shirts. If for some strange reason you won’t be going to Maui anytime soon, you can always order their cheese online.
This is Hanzie (rhymes with Fonzie). He’s usually the Big Daddy, if you know what I mean.
Poor Hanzie has arthritis and was unable to be the Big Daddy this year. Maybe next year, Hanzie.
OK, just one more goat photo and I’ll let you go.
