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Nocturnal Admissions: When Pillow Talk Goes Too Far

Remember when I told you about the two times I almost choked to death because of acid-reflux and I was so scared and blah, blah, blah? I kind of went on about it. That second incident occurred as a wake-up call. Literally. It woke me up out of a dead sleep at 5am.

I began to resent my bed, whom I call Phil. I thought Phil had tried to kill me. As if he was twisting up the blanket and wrapping it around my neck. Bad bed!

So Phil and I went to relationship counseling and he ultimately apologized and I forgave him. But not really.

You know how someone you love tries to kill betrays you and you think you’re over it, but really you keep your feelings of mistrust inside and let it fester into a small tornado of hatred and resentment until it one day manifests itself unexpectedly?

Maybe I overdid the sweet tone of voice as I’d crawl into Phil each night, saying things like, “I love you. You’re the King. Hold me.” etc. But he knew something was wrong. Things had changed; he could tell.

“If you love me,” Phil asked one night, “why did you start wearing your pajama bottoms to bed?”

“Well, Phillip,” (he hates it when I call him that) “I’ve been feeling…cold lately.”

I didn’t want to tell him that if he attempted murder again and the paramedics burst in to save my life, I was not going to be resuscitated without pants.

Phil began sending me instant messages during the day:

    Bed:   ru mad at me?  :)  :D
    Me:   no
    Bed:   wutz rong?  :D
    Me:   nothing. cu tonite.

Then one night I woke up from a nightmare in which Phil was stuffing a pillow down my throat and I couldn’t breathe. I woke up more angry at him than ever. It felt so real. I worked myself up into a frenzy that whole next day. The only way I could get over my fear of him was to give him a taste of his own medicine, the springy bastard.

Payback Time

I snuck up the stairs and jumped onto him with all my weight, knocking the wind out of him. Then I gave him a wedgie. Not just a casual everyday wedgie, but a SUPREME wedgie.

bed wedge

I slipped that bad boy between the mattress and my pillow and I gave it to him good.

He started crying like a baby, whining about how he had never tried to kill me and that it was my acid-reflux that caused the choking.

Acid-reflux my eye. I laughed at him as I ate lasagna and half a box of Ho Hos just before going to bed and immediately falling asleep. And I’m not dead yet, so I guess I showed him.

Phil and I aren’t speaking any more. Oh sure, we’re civil in front of company, but otherwise, we just go about our own business.

Now he just pouts all day. Well, let him. He can take his timeout and think long and hard about what he’s done. It’s not like I’m more comfortable sleeping on an incline to keep the acid from crawling up out of my stomach. And I do miss our nights of drinking until we were three sheets to the wind. But we’re talking about my life here.

When Phil can apologize with more sincerity and demonstrate complete nonhomicidal tendencies, then I’ll think about going back to a pillow-only situation. But until then, it’s Zantac and wedgies for the rest of my life.

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67 Comments

  1. Colleen says:

    Wow, i hear you. :(

    Omeprozole (generic Prilosec) 40 mgs every morning.

    Phil will bother you no more. :)

  2. Steph says:

    Man, that Phil sure is sensitive. At least you didn’t go to European Sleep Design… I heard that Francois and Sven over there are twice as bitchy!

  3. Lucy says:

    It was interesting to read…

  4. Tranquility says:

    I’m currently not on speaking terms with the hotel mattress either. I flat out told him that I prefer my comfy Tempur-pedic at home. I’m pretty sure he’s pissed because each night on this mattress has progressively caused me more pain in the mornings!

  5. Ohilda says:

    YOU are hilarious! Glad that you got Phil back!
    Hugs,
    Ohilda

  6. MJ says:

    Wow, NGIP, I never realized… I will have to be more suspicious about my sleigh bed – I call her Tina – I think she’s been jealous of me for years.

  7. Ellie says:

    Well, phew. He’s finally getting what he deserves…

  8. nessie says:

    LOL – you and your bed texting one another… LOVE THIS!!!

  9. LOL. You’re nuts. I love it.
    Stumbled.

  10. lizspin says:

    Phil’s a baaaaaaaaad mattress . . . the springy baaaaaaaastard!

  11. Bobbi says:

    It’s his own fault really and screw him for not taking responsibility for trying to kill you.

  12. Jane! says:

    Sooooo…. just how many company does Phil get ‘in front of’?
    Seriously, I’m not implying anything here, I’m just always looking for decorating tips and wondered if you have your bed in, like, the living room.

  13. Pooba says:

    Wow, I just might have to take Phil’s side of this little pif you got going. You know I don’t think he was really trying to kill you. He truly apologized, I think you need to salvage your relationship.
    Perhaps you can make an open relationship type of agreement so you can keep Phil and the wedge?

  14. * TONYA * says:

    well now you’ve gone and made me all paranoid. Best start wearing pants to bed myself :)

  15. Cynthia says:

    Oh – I misread the title. It’s AD missions. thanks for that. Glad you took care of Phil – all your sleepy bye preps should do the trick. ‘Specially the pajama bottoms

  16. Gladys says:

    Don’t be fooled by other mattresses. They are all the same. Well except for those beds that raise up at the head like a hospital bed. You know the ones they advertise with the old people. One lying down trying to sleep while the other is rudely reading and watching television with the sound turned up loud. Sleep restful sleep.

  17. Fi says:

    I use books under the bed legs… usually helps – no night suffocating!!
    Thought of you when i found this :)
    http://www.smm.org/buzz/blog/goats_in_trees

  18. This is HILARIOUS. Im laughing so hard right now.
    “Zantac and wedgies” for the rest of your life! HA HA HA

  19. Jessica Bern says:

    I have acid reflux and can no longer drink o.j. or eat oranges or late at night or or or ….It’s killing. Or wait a second, I have a king size bed too, hold on…

  20. Alex L. says:

    Well its good that your teaching him a lesson.

  21. I gave my bed a wedgie too and I’m not sure how much it’s helped. I still have the reflux and it still makes me hips hurt but it beats the heck out of sleeping in a cardboard box under a bridge.

  22. mrsmouthy says:

    Uhhh, I can’t believe I’m the first one to point this out, but YOU need HELP.

  23. VE says:

    $20 buck Phil’s mattresses were on sale when you bought them…
    If he’s gonna sob so much perhaps you’ll have to call him a water bed…

  24. Blicky Kitty says:

    The one I sleep with sure is a cheap, cheap bastard, but I love him. We met at Ikea then we shopped for the pad we share at Sam’s Club. I don’t want to divulge too much, but it’s just been night after night of pure heaven ever since.

  25. Blognut says:

    I’m ready to break up with my mattress and get one of those memory foam mattresses. I’m afraid that with all that extra memory, and the talking, that I’ll never hear the end of what goes on in there.

  26. Jeff says:

    Hey… where’s my previous comment? I want my money back!

  27. KJ says:

    See, I normally don’t condone shoving a wedgie between you and your cozy comfy, but this time, I’m with you. That bastard got what he had comin’.
    Sleep well, my liege.

  28. Jen W says:

    I haven’t bothered to name my bed because he’s just not that special to me. I’ve been with a lot of beds but I might have to let my current one go. He’s smothering me and making me sweat every night and I wake up with a back ache.

  29. I need to give my bed a wedgie too. It’s gettin’ above it’s raisin’ … LOL ♥ ∞

  30. Michael says:

    I’ve been thinking of trading in my old queen for a set of twins. I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

  31. Tami Lyn says:

    If my bed texts me, I’m screwed. I only have 4 of us on the unlimited plan.

  32. Nikkicrumpet says:

    I’ve been sleeping sitting up for about 12 years now….and I’ve never even met Phil. Maybe it’s time for you to say your sorry lol

  33. Anna Lefler says:

    I can totally relate.
    Sometimes I get woken up in the middle of the night and it’s awful. I hate that startled, disoriented feeling of being jolted awake by some unwelcome sensation. It’s so unpleasant.
    I find the wedgie is really helpful to me, too! The one I give my husband, that is, when he’s woken me up with his snoring…again.
    Nite-nite…
    :^) Anna

  34. I need to give my bed a wedgie too. I’m having surgery Wednesday (Feb. 4th). He’s getting too uppity with the holding me down business and here I was blaming my neck pain on the wrong thing … ROFLOL ♥ ∞

  35. Heather says:

    OMG! That is hilarious. My bed is causing me grievious bodily harm right now and soon I think I might start an affair with another.

  36. debbie says:

    Sometimes the tough love is best.

  37. Alison Veres says:

    The “Supreme Wedgie” actually looks really comfortable. And now I’m conflicted, because the notion that I would find a wedgie comfortable is kind of disturbed.
    And don’t hate Phil. He’s your bed. You two are going to have to spend alot of time together. Kiss and make up. Or at least, sleep on it…

  38. Rsusanna says:

    I sleep well with Sterns AND Foster. They have been real good to me ;). They know how to keep it on the down lo. Plus I don’t eat anything after 6 pm

  39. Jeff says:

    What happens if you roll over onto your stomach during the night? Does it make you bend backwards like a 13 year old Russian gymnast? Cause I can’t do that.

  40. Suzy says:

    I get woken (is that a word?) up every night by choking and coughing and all this time I thought it was the Santa Anas aggravating my asthma.
    I’m going to keep a close eye on my sheets tonight. I call them CHOKE and WOKE.

  41. K says:

    I didn’t know that giving the bed a wedgie (especially a supreme) was an option – that’s awesome.
    I’m keeping that thought at the back of my mind in case my bed ever acts up.

  42. Leslie says:

    LOL, that’s too funny! I think my “Phil” needs a wedgie too, I always wake up with the fitted sheet coming off the bed….what do you think that means??

  43. Elizabeth says:

    I’m glad you showed Phil who’s boss. Good for you.

  44. HeatherPride says:

    I think this is the possibly the first pro-wedgie post on the internets. Wow!

  45. flrdelis says:

    Phil’s brother, Steve, lives in my house…. I don’t trust him either!!

  46. Jenn Thorson says:

    Geez- who knew you had such rough nights over at Nanny Goats Central? I figured it’d just be a few dreams of jumping over fences counting yourselves (okay, that’s sheep, but same gist) and thick angora blankets.
    Tell Phil to behave himself or else you’ll be seeing a nice futon on the side.

  47. Oh my, we are demented. The day my bed texts me is the day I take The Bionic Woman’s advice and endeavor to discover what sleep number I am (I suspect I get a 75, I was always a C-student in advanced sleeping).
    xox
    WAM

  48. Jennifer H says:

    You’re hilarious, you know. Way funnier than Phil, too, I bet.
    Loved this!

  49. I don’t even know what to say. Except that I’m dying to know my bed’s name and am freaking out that he might be talking about me!

  50. Tiggy says:

    I’m thinking of leaving my bed and eloping with a hammock.

  51. You are hilarious.
    I’m getting one of those wedgies like now! Maybe it’ll help with my killer bed problem too???

  52. The makings of a horror movie :O) Naughty Phil! Whatever did you do to upset him?

  53. Phil sounds like a real layabout!

  54. my bed is a tempurpedic and i call “her” ethyl. but don’t tell anyone cause it’s a secret. bwwahahahhahah
    smiles, bee
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  55. I’m still in awe of how hilarious you can make anything sound! Been having a tough couple of days and definitely needed this laugh – you just crack me up!!!!!!

  56. Midlife Mama says:

    *mouth hanging open* You mean beds can TALK?!?!?
    O. M. G.
    Mine promised he wouldn’t talk. But now I’m scared. Especially if he knows how text. I’m in so much trouble. Heh
    Great post!

  57. orion says:

    Yeah… my last bed was named Samantha, and I think she killed off most of my old girlfriends.

  58. Melizzard says:

    Glad to hear that I’m not the only one that has attached a full blown personality to my bed.. although mine is more of a big old sweet fluffy Labrador that begs you to leave work and come play with him.

  59. annette says:

    Sheesh… after you gave him the best hours of your nights!

  60. My bed stopped paying attention to me after I got my sleep apnea machine.

  61. Ann says:

    I think hohos may’ve caused this problem and not Phil. Husband brought those home one day and when I read the words “beef fat” right of the ingredients he nearly vomited…

  62. debby says:

    Sure. You may have subdued Phil, even won that battle. But the furniture sticks together. Next thing you know, you’ll sit down on Ethelbert the sofa and find yourself trapped there, unable to rise as George the TV begins to brainwash you, and Erma the refrigerator begins to force food down your throat. You’ll wake up dazed and morbidly obese…if you’re lucky enough to wake up at all.

  63. Bluestreak says:

    my bed and i are getting divorced soon. the truth is, i’m in love with another bed, I’m just waiting for the right moment

  64. *cackle* That’s too funny thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it. :)

  65. lisa says:

    Very clever and a perfect way to start the day.
    Three sheets to the wind – ha, ha, too funny. :)

  66. Majase Cyc says:

    LOL, very interesting (and revealing) story there dear.
    I went through a similar battle last year, but I thought it was just a succubus.
    Now I feel not only used, but deceived–it’s all so clear now. Pardon me while I go set my bed on fire because the things I did with that supposed succubus can never leave that room.
    I was wondering why the other bedroom furniture was looking at me all stiff and strange. Posturepedic has a big damn mouth and now it will BURN!