Welcome to my first week of unemployment! After being wait-listed for eleven long months, the repairman finally came by to fix my Wayback and Forward Time Traveler 6000. Some jerk stepped on a butterfly last year and everyone’s time machine went on the fritz. Why is there always one guy who has to blow it for everybody?
Anyway, I jumped in for a quick ride into the future to check my diary. I wanted to know how my life of unemployment would go. Here are the first few entries:
November 17, 2008: Woo Hoo! Don’t have to go to work today. Suddenly, I love Mondays. OMG, now I can do everything I never had the time for: go to the gym, work on my novel, learn Spanish, learn the piano, see my friends, read all my books…I can’t wait! I’m just so excited at the thought of getting everything done while everyone else is at work! Did I mention that I love Mondays now?
November 23, 2008: After blogging yesterday, I got all caught up in an internet surfstorm, which pretty much blew the day away, so I didn’t make it to the gym. I don’t like going after 4pm, when it’s crowded, but I’ll get there eventually. It’s just a matter of scheduling. Plus, I still have to find my membership card. Found a Netflix movie underneath a pile of bills, though. I forgot all about Netflix. So I watched a movie and ordered a pizza. Have you ever had the stuffed cinnamon cream cheese rolls they have at Big Fat Pizza Guys? OMG, they’re to die for!
November 28, 2008: Yesterday was Thanksgiving. All that family time kind of got in the way of my movie watching. Finished all the Thanksgiving leftovers by lunch, so now in quandry as to dinner. You know, I’m really enjoying this Netflix thing. I spent all day today adding movies to my queue and watching the ones I had at home. I figure if I want to be a writer, I need to get a real sense of story and watch lots of movies. So I upgraded my membership to “5 out at a time”. I got to practice some Spanish today when I ordered from the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.
December 5, 2008: Cancelled gym membership. It’s too expensive for someone who doesn’t have a job. I’ll just walk or something. Netflix is taking longer to turn around my movies, so I upped it to “8 out at a time”. Also, I’ve got hulu.com for while I wait. Did you know they have practically ALL the 1970s TV shows?My unemployment checks are finally getting processed. The only thing is, I have to go in to their office every Monday to pick up my check and answer some questions. Whatever. As long as I get my money.
December 10, 2008: Sat at the piano today, but couldn’t hear what Whoopi was saying on The View, so I’ll practice later. Man, it’s amazing how you can get lost in a sea of movie choices on Netflix. I was just checking to see if they had Police Academy 12 and all of a sudden, they’re all: “If you liked all 47 seasons of The Simpsons, you might like…” and then you’re doing nothing but adding movies to your queue all day. Thinking about upping my membership to “10 out at a time”. Do you know how hard it is for me to work on my novel while watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? No matter how many times I’ve seen it?
December 15, 2008: Looked at my pile of books today and couldn’t decide which one to start. They’re all so long!!! So I watched a CSI: Miami marathon while playing on Twitter. Ran out of cheese puffs. Discovered the wonder of grocery store delivery. This last Monday, Tamika, the chick at the unemployment office asked if I had looked for work in the last week. Was she kidding? I told her I was on vacation, lady, I need some time off! She said that wasn’t the right answer. What does she know?
December 20, 2008: Tried to go out for a walk today, but it was way too cold for my very first day of working out. I need to be comfortable if I’m to have any incentive to exercise at all. Didn’t feel like facing the mall crowds for Christmas shopping, so I bought everything online and had it shipped to everybody. I’m thinking I’ll just stay home and catch up on my Netflix movies instead of going to Christmas family stuff. I don’t really have anything that fits anyway and Aunt Sally is such a prude about dressing up for dinner. I mean, it’s not like I have a job and can go running out to buy a new outfit every time I put on another 20 pounds.
December 24, 2008: Did you know that the maximum number of movies you can have in your Netflix queue is 500? What kind of crap is that when there are over 70,000 titles to choose from? Had to upgrade membership to “15 out at a time”, just so I wouldn’t keep bumping up against the 500 maximum. Plus, I can get through them really fast now. I bought another TV to put right next to the other one, so I could watch two movies at a time. While I was waiting patiently for the mailman today (I tend to pace on the front porch until he shows up), I saw him drive by and slow down just enough to chuck my movies out his window onto my driveway. What the hell is his problem?
December 31, 2008: I’ve given up trying to squeeze into my sweatpants. OK, they ripped. I’ve fashioned a house coat out of the red satin bed sheets I got from cousin Velma twenty years ago during her “sanguine” days. Mailman left a note yesterday saying I would have to go to the post office to pick up my mail. Resorted to Netflix’s Intant Watch feature, which streams movies right to my computer. I may have to buy another computer so I can still Twitter while watching my movies. On Monday, Tamika, the chick at the unemployment office, said that my house coat would not be appropriate for a job interview. I said, well then, it’s a good thing I don’t plan to go on any job interviews. I don’t think she understands my level of commitment to get through my Netflix queue. GAWD, I hate Mondays!
And that was all I saw. Who knows what happened after that?
Sometimes it’s a good idea to see what your future holds so you can do something about it now. So I ran out to Big Momma’s MuuMuus and bought one of every size they had. Because red satin? I don’t think so.
And for those of you who were wondering, yes, time travel machine repairmen have butt cleavage, too.