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I May Be Unemployed, But I’ve Got Big Plans

Welcome to my first week of unemployment! After being wait-listed for eleven long months, the repairman finally came by to fix my Wayback and Forward Time Traveler 6000. Some jerk stepped on a butterfly last year and everyone’s time machine went on the fritz. Why is there always one guy who has to blow it for everybody?

Anyway, I jumped in for a quick ride into the future to check my diary. I wanted to know how my life of unemployment would go.  Here are the first few entries:

November 17, 2008: Woo Hoo! Don’t have to go to work today. Suddenly, I love Mondays. OMG, now I can do everything I never had the time for: go to the gym, work on my novel, learn Spanish, learn the piano, see my friends, read all my books…I can’t wait! I’m just so excited at the thought of getting everything done while everyone else is at work! Did I mention that I love Mondays now?

November 23, 2008: After blogging yesterday, I got all caught up in an internet surfstorm, which pretty much blew the day away, so I didn’t make it to the gym. I don’t like going after 4pm, when it’s crowded, but I’ll get there eventually. It’s just a matter of scheduling. Plus, I still have to find my membership card. Found a Netflix movie underneath a pile of bills, though. I forgot all about Netflix. So I watched a movie and ordered a pizza. Have you ever had the stuffed cinnamon cream cheese rolls they have at Big Fat Pizza Guys? OMG, they’re to die for!

November 28, 2008: Yesterday was Thanksgiving. All that family time kind of got in the way of my movie watching. Finished all the Thanksgiving leftovers by lunch, so now in quandry as to dinner. You know, I’m really enjoying this Netflix thing. I spent all day today adding movies to my queue and watching the ones I had at home. I figure if I want to be a writer, I need to get a real sense of story and watch lots of movies. So I upgraded my membership to “5 out at a time”. I got to practice some Spanish today when I ordered from the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.

December 5, 2008: Cancelled gym membership. It’s too expensive for someone who doesn’t have a job. I’ll just walk or something. Netflix is taking longer to turn around my movies, so I upped it to “8 out at a time”. Also, I’ve got hulu.com for while I wait. Did you know they have practically ALL the 1970s TV shows?My unemployment checks are finally getting processed. The only thing is, I have to go in to their office every Monday to pick up my check and answer some questions. Whatever. As long as I get my money.

December 10, 2008: Sat at the piano today, but couldn’t hear what Whoopi was saying on The View, so I’ll practice later. Man, it’s amazing how you can get lost in a sea of movie choices on Netflix. I was just checking to see if they had Police Academy 12 and all of a sudden, they’re all: “If you liked all 47 seasons of The Simpsons, you might like…” and then you’re doing nothing but adding movies to your queue all day. Thinking about upping my membership to “10 out at a time”. Do you know how hard it is for me to work on my novel while watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? No matter how many times I’ve seen it?

December 15, 2008: Looked at my pile of books today and couldn’t decide which one to start. They’re all so long!!! So I watched a CSI: Miami marathon while playing on Twitter. Ran out of cheese puffs. Discovered the wonder of grocery store delivery. This last Monday, Tamika, the chick at the unemployment office asked if I had looked for work in the last week. Was she kidding? I told her I was on vacation, lady, I need some time off! She said that wasn’t the right answer. What does she know?

December 20, 2008: Tried to go out for a walk today, but it was way too cold for my very first day of working out. I need to be comfortable if I’m to have any incentive to exercise at all. Didn’t feel like facing the mall crowds for Christmas shopping, so I bought everything online and had it shipped to everybody. I’m thinking I’ll just stay home and catch up on my Netflix movies instead of going to Christmas family stuff. I don’t really have anything that fits anyway and Aunt Sally is such a prude about dressing up for dinner. I mean, it’s not like I have a job and can go running out to buy a new outfit every time I put on another 20 pounds.

December 24, 2008: Did you know that the maximum number of movies you can have in your Netflix queue is 500? What kind of crap is that when there are over 70,000 titles to choose from? Had to upgrade membership to “15 out at a time”, just so I wouldn’t keep bumping up against the 500 maximum. Plus, I can get through them really fast now. I bought another TV to put right next to the other one, so I could watch two movies at a time. While I was waiting patiently for the mailman today (I tend to pace on the front porch until he shows up), I saw him drive by and slow down just enough to chuck my movies out his window onto my driveway. What the hell is his problem?

December 31, 2008: I’ve given up trying to squeeze into my sweatpants. OK, they ripped. I’ve fashioned a house coat out of the red satin bed sheets I got from cousin Velma twenty years ago during her “sanguine” days. Mailman left a note yesterday saying I would have to go to the post office to pick up my mail. Resorted to Netflix’s Intant Watch feature, which streams movies right to my computer. I may have to buy another computer so I can still Twitter while watching my movies. On Monday, Tamika, the chick at the unemployment office, said that my house coat would not be appropriate for a job interview. I said, well then, it’s a good thing I don’t plan to go on any job interviews. I don’t think she understands my level of commitment to get through my Netflix queue. GAWD, I hate Mondays!

*

And that was all I saw. Who knows what happened after that?

Sometimes it’s a good idea to see what your future holds so you can do something about it now. So I ran out to Big Momma’s MuuMuus and bought one of every size they had. Because red satin? I don’t think so.

And for those of you who were wondering, yes, time travel machine repairmen have butt cleavage, too.

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129 Comments

  1. stefani says:

    Fantastic! LOL!

  2. [...] A Post on Someone Else’s Blog That You Wish You’d Written — I May Be Unemployed, But I’ve Got Big Plans. I could have chose almost anything from Margaret’s blog Nanny Goats In Panties because I [...]

  3. Ginger says:

    I hope this dream never became reality. lmao!

    1. HA! How did you stumble on this older post?

      1. Ginger says:

        lol. Thanks to linkwithin and your catchy post titles. Was giggling all through.

  4. Cheri Pryor says:

    I hope you’re happy. I have officially peed my pants…

  5. Rachael says:

    Freaking hilarious! Wouldn’t it be nice to live that way though, just for like a week?

  6. Michelle says:

    Oh that hit the spot. I love it. And the sad thing is that you probably described the life of more people than you know!

  7. Kari says:

    That was hysterical.

  8. Stoppin’ by from SITS to wish you a late happy SITS day!

  9. Crista says:

    Damn Netflix for having a limit of how many movies one “should” have on their queue! I have hit my 500 mark many times so I have to go back and take off the ones that I put on there during my drunken nights where I had to have “Glitter” because I thought that my screaming sounded exactly like Mariah Carey.

  10. Xazmin says:

    Crackin’ me up!

  11. christina L says:

    You are so funny! happy SITS day

  12. Tanielle says:

    So funny, thanks for making me smile!

  13. greedygrace says:

    hee hee hee… love this!

  14. Tabitha Blue says:

    Haha, perfect!!! I love it… and now I’m hungry, dang it.
    :)
    ~Tabitha~
    freshmommyblog.com

  15. Holy cupcakes, you are a hoot!

  16. Sherry says:

    Now I just want to go find movies on Netflix. Can you really queue 500 movies? I’m going to have to investigate! Funny post!!! Happy SITS Day!

  17. Leslie Doyle says:

    That was GREAT! I laughed all the way through it. But I’m sure my life would be so much like that!

  18. Mary says:

    Totally hilarious. I can so relate being in the ranks of the unemployed. It’s hell to lose your job and then hit 50 … hard to get hired. Going in my 4th year now. This is so funny, I should do up a post too – we have to laugh at ourselves don’t we?

  19. Stephanie says:

    Haahaahaaaaaaaaaa!!! I love the Dave Barry/Mary Roach connection. ‘I hate Mondays’ in the beginning to ‘I hate Mondays’ in the end. My favorite kind of comedic writing.

  20. Brandi says:

    That is too funny. Sorry, don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune.

  21. Oh my freakin Heck! I think I love you!
    Screw Obama…I’m going to read your entire blog tonight!

  22. Shannon says:

    Too funny, and sadly, too true. Yep, that’d be me.

  23. Tori C. says:

    Another great post! I’ve fwd’d this to friends!

  24. Sandra says:

    3 words: This is great! :)

  25. Carolyn says:

    I’m a SAHM, so I haven’t been out there for 10+ years, but you have a funny way of tackling your unemployment!
    Love from SITS! congrats today!

  26. kathy says:

    My favorite part was when you fashioned some new pants out a coat and red satin bed sheets. Too funny!
    I just don’t think I’d have a problem being obese if I never had to see anyone. Bring it on!!

  27. The Mom says:

    Too funny! I think the red house coat and sweats could be called a “uniform” or necessity at my house! Gotta be comfy, right?!

  28. Jeannie says:

    A justly deserved Featured Blogger!! Insanely funny!!!!

  29. ali says:

    I don’t even want to catch a glimpse of my unemployment diary! Very funny!

  30. Selaen says:

    Since your housecoat is “inappropriate”, how about a Snuggie?! You’d look trendy AND comfortable!
    There are so many good films out there in the world, how could you justify NOT getting 30 discs out at the same time?! I mean, if it’s 2 hours per film (always watch the extras!), and there’s 12 hours in a day (24-10 for sleeping – 2 for toilet, food and other essentials), that means you’ll watch at least 6 films a day… At least 30 is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!
    Luv Luv
    xx

  31. Jacky says:

    Haha…nice. =) Happy SITS Day! =)

  32. What a brilliant post.
    I’m happy to hear about the mumus – should make everything easier. You can start early with the grocery deliver, too. You’re all set. Time travel really is useful.

  33. Willo says:

    I especially like the bit about the Netflix queue!

  34. Kendra says:

    Happy SITS day!

  35. Kristin says:

    Sounds fun! I wish i could be unemployed…hehe.
    Happy SITS day!

  36. Happy SITS Day!
    I think if nothing else comes up, you have a wonderful career as a stand up comedian in your future!!

  37. Rhonda says:

    OMG! I really needed a good laugh today!
    Happy SITS day :)

  38. Wow, I have totally wasted the last 5 weeks of unemployment taking care of my kids when I could have been having an affair with Netflix?
    Hilarious!

  39. Reeni says:

    Thanks for a good laugh! Have fun being featured today!!

  40. Vickie says:

    Hope you are injoying your SITS day!
    Funny!! I swear the people at umemployment are mean and have no sense of humor. I remember when I lost my job a few years ago. I actually was in heaven. I would just mosey around all day. Then after a few days my live-in boyfriend said I was scaring him and I needed to get a job to help with the bills:p kill joy! Of course he is my Hubby now.

  41. WhatACard says:

    Hee! So, how close was this to reality?

  42. Gwyn says:

    Netflix, huh? I haven’t added this to my list yet…

  43. This is 100% my life right now.
    Did you know you can use an Xbox 360 paired with your netflix account to watch all of your instant queue movies on your TV screen? Once I found that out, I was done for!

  44. Sarah says:

    Stuffed cinnamon cream cheese rolls??? That sounds mouth-watering!

  45. Michelle says:

    OH MY GOODNESS….I have tears. That was the funniest thing I’ve read online in a while. That was seriously hilarious. WOW.

  46. Lisa M says:

    Happy SITS day.. You are too freakin hilarious!! I think I may just have to follow you ;)

  47. Shalee Clark says:

    That was the funniest thing I have ever read!!
    But sadly.. there is truth…
    What you just described was my mother in law to a T…. She is this gelatinous mass that sits around and watches movies and TV all day!

  48. Mimi says:

    Mine includes many more naps. Naps are vital for keeping your energy up!

  49. Joy says:

    Messing with your Netflix queue ALONE can eat up the afternoon! ;o)

  50. mrsbear says:

    That was hilarious. If I didn’t have all these kids monopolizing my time, that would totally be me. ;)

  51. Wow, I think I’m there. And now I will cry. Eeegads, when is that apoloclypse now?

  52. Craftymoose says:

    I definitely want to be prepared…getting a netflix account & some of those stuffed cream cheese thingies!

  53. Cheryl says:

    Seriously. For real. You have me cracking up. What did you do…live my life?

  54. Sarah says:

    I used to love these days…now i have 2 kids and I think working would be easier somedays!

  55. Mandy says:

    Loved the day by day play by play. :)

  56. Hilarious! This cracked me up. Oddly enough, it made me more motivated to go to work! :)

  57. This kind of reminds me of when I first went on maternity leave with my youngest. I swear I memorized the entire TV schedule within days.

  58. This cracked me up! So funny. Oddly enough, it made me more motivated to go to work! :)

  59. Amy says:

    That is a wonderful post.

  60. Cathy says:

    Hilarious! And how did you peek into my windows without me seeing you??? Enjoy your blog and look forward to being a regular visitor.

  61. K says:

    Love all the plans.
    I can totally relate. I was always the kid who couldn’t wait for summer and then got bored of having nothing to do after about 2 weeks.

  62. Preston says:

    I still stand by my martini comment and congratulations on being featured over at SITS. B-T-W, I found SITS through you. (Just in case you needed something to gloat about — or cry about, depending on how you look at it.)

  63. April says:

    Such an excellent post…THANKS!!!

  64. You have amazing writing talent. Keep it up!

  65. Nope – no time machine for me. Don’t want to see in the future. What if I found I got really, really skinny again?! I’d be like “Oh I can look like that again?! Let’s go!” Think of all the time I’d lose NOT drinking my margaritas?
    Travesty, I tell ya!
    Congrats on your featured blog & happy SITS!

  66. Typ0 says:

    Do you know where i can buy one of these time machines? In addition wanting to know how i turn out, i want to find out how Lost ends! :p

  67. {Katie Lane} says:

    You are very funny.

  68. Hilarious! And good idea about the future mumu planning…

  69. cat says:

    What a great post – had me giggling so hard!

  70. angie says:

    Hilarious post!

  71. sheila says:

    I musta missed this post, I just found it in the Drivers Lounge at the Hags. lol.
    Anyhooooo….glad to hear that future fix it guy has good butt crack. lol. Is service any better in the future?

  72. Jennifer H says:

    This cracked me up. My sister has 500 movies in her queue right now. My Netflix habit hasn’t taken off yet, but I can waste massive amounts of time on Facebook (hello, Word Challenge).

  73. Babs says:

    Ha ha! Oh I’m so glad, I don’t think the UK has NetFlix ;O) Hilarious!
    One smiley and one thumb ;O)

  74. LenaLoo says:

    Oh man…
    “and then you’re doing nothing but adding movies to your queue all day.”
    So true! No but seriously, NetFlix can consume life and all that is within it… Fast… Instant Play is the death of me because I watch it in bed with headphones on so my husband doesn’t get mad at me for typing all night! Insomnia, blah!

  75. LuckyMe says:

    Geez. What are you? My conscience? I just missed the last 5 days at the gym because I don’t like to go late in the day.
    Had a soccer game early Sunday and had to do wash before working Mon Tue Wed, but did a lot of cooking so I could bring lunch to work, therefor a lot of eating, too. Today was a day of rest, so no GYM. You scared the crap outta me so I will go tomorrow. Early!!
    Love your writing! You’re gonna make it!!

  76. Ronnica says:

    Oh my, this is hilarious! I wish I had thought of this, like, in the future. I could totally use this format for when I graduate…

  77. Blicky Kitty says:

    Yeah I gotta second the martini comment. Before my official job title became Senior Vice I’m-so-ridiculously-busy-every-second-so-how-can-I-have-so-pathetically-little-to-show-for-it, I loved me some serious Oprah. And there’s nothing so delicious as the tick, tick, tick of the second hand when it’s almost 5:00. I usually end up saying, “Oh screw, they’re already having cocktails in Newfoundland.

  78. Look at you! You’ve got this writer’s lifestyle down pat. All you need is a case of truffles and a pool boy named Roberto (or Ricardo … or both). No, you don’t need a pool. But you might want a comfy chair and duct tape for when he arrives in his spangly Speedos.

  79. Margo says:

    LOL great one!

  80. Elizabeth says:

    Where’s your nap time? I’ve been home all day for 2 years and you’ve got to fit a nap in several times a week!

  81. Alyson says:

    OMG. Thank you for the laugh!
    I hope I can go on an unemployment office sponsored vacation soon…

  82. Madge says:

    well, it was all worth it for the butt cleavage..

  83. Winifred says:

    Oh crumbs! That’s almost exactly what happened to me when I retired. I had such plans.
    However, I didn’t improve my Spanish, I have read only one book in 18 months, despite all my good intentions I’ve never made it to the gym or the pool yet, none of my sewing projects have been finished and I haven’t done any writing.
    I have got addicted to long lies in bed, watching daytime drama on TV, eating chocolate biscuits (I hardly ever ate them before, multiple lattes during the day, blogging and writing lists of things I’m going to do!
    Don’t worry you won’t be alone!

  84. Preston says:

    How cute but what about the martinis? If you’re not working, you gotta have martinis. The martinis help make the “butt cleavage” tolerable…

  85. T says:

    I’m laughing so hard I need to make a quick trip to the bathroom!
    Okay – now I think I’d better start looking for a real job before Tamika comes after me!!!

  86. Tracy says:

    Too funny! I remember one period of unemployment – I was living in Ireland with my husband, no kids, no job, no friends. I spent all of my time reading English tabloid articles about celebrities I’d never heard of before and watching reruns of Dharma and Greg on Sky One. Why, of all the tv shows we have for export in the States, they imported that one to show several times a day is still a mystery.

  87. gingela5 says:

    Ohh I would LOVE to be unemployed! haha it sounds like a dream–except for the no money thing!

  88. Tiggy says:

    Hilarious! If I became unemployed I’d have to have my cable and internet cut off otherwise I’d never leave the house again.
    Mind you, if I was unemployed and penniless I’d get cut off anyway, which is fortunate.

  89. black betty says:

    i think you’re fabulous, but you SUCK!!! ;)
    enjoy the time…

  90. hello ngip its dennis the vizsla dog hay umm yore time masheen duznt happn to luk like a doghowse of justiss by enny chanse duz it??? if not do yoo no ware i cud find parts for a doghowse of justiss time masheen slash tardis??? mine got skwashd by dinosawrs in the joorassic peryod ok bye
    ps wot is a muumuu is it sumthing i cud eet??? ok bye agin

  91. britt says:

    1. he really has no arms and i know him IRL from high school. once i put blue lipstick on him because he couldn’t stop me and i feel bad about that now. james rocks!
    2. skype is a chat/video thingie too that i downloaded when my dad showed up after 28 years and wanted to jibba jabba, but now he is an abandoning asshole again and people want to undress me with their keyboards.
    3. is it hard to select netflix movies with your hooves?
    4. can’t goats just be naked when they have outgrown their sweatpants?

  92. Tricia says:

    I called Netflix and explained that I was providing an intervention. They have suspended your account until further notice.

  93. Fi says:

    ROFL.
    SO true… on the odd occasion I have a day off, I become mesmerised by daytime Tv… and infomercials. Now streaming movies sounds far more appealing and sadly, I would probably quit writing by the end of week 1. I think I need more discipline – I had better keep the day job lol…
    Good luck
    fi :)

  94. Erin says:

    Why did your future self waste so much time on diary entries when there were still Netflix and Three Stooges marathons to get through? Self-discipline, that’s the ticket. And more chocolate ;)

  95. Mondays, ugh, thank God it’s almost over. But how great is it that you’ve got that time machine! And Netflix! Is there a twelve step program for Netflix yet?

  96. Alex L. says:

    Never trust a repairman that doesnt show you at least a quarter of his arse.

  97. Black Cat says:

    Oh, I must have been here before coz my details await me, but it must be in the future coz I can’t remember it in the past. This is all Dennis the Visla’s fault. I found your link on his blog and have been wetting myself laughing ever since! I voted for you on the humour thingy, then looked at the scores and found you are in the lead; yay for you!
    But I see no goats, in or out of panties. Where are you nanny Goats…?

  98. muskrat says:

    You should’ve used a DeLorean

  99. I think you’re on to something with the two movies at a time thing. I need to figure out how to do that.

  100. yup, that right there is why I don’t want to see into the future.
    hehehehe, too funny.

  101. Dddiva says:

    OMG hahahaha too funny, thanks for giving me something to laugh at on this Monday. ;)

  102. nikkicrumpet says:

    Oh thanks for rubbing it in my face…all the great stuff I’m missing by actually having a job! I REALLY hate Mondays.
    Rare form…ok not so rare…you’re always funny. But this one was “art”

  103. Suzy says:

    How did you get a hold of my dairy?

  104. Rhea says:

    I bet you were the first one on your block with a time machine, weren’t you?! You’re one of THOSE people.

  105. Sandra says:

    I heart this post. Too funny.

  106. Well, I thoroughly enjoyed this! Clearly I need you to buy me a netflix subscription for the holidays. That is what you were planning to get me, isn’t it?

  107. Anna Lefler says:

    You know, if you make unemployment (oops) I mean WRITING sound all glamorous, everyone’s going to want to get into it.
    Sshhh!

  108. Ellie says:

    Do time machine repairman at least have cute butts with which they, um, cleave?
    Because I saw butt cleavage on a cute guy’s butt the other day. Really, I did. I did not know it was even possible.

  109. quirkyloon says:

    Ahhh, I hate to be the one to remind you Nanny (can I call you Nanny?).
    You can NEVER re-do the past without horribly altering the future.
    Didn’t you watch Back to the Futures 1-1000?

  110. Ian says:

    Seriously
    It’s dangerous
    having nothing
    and so much
    to do

  111. jane! says:

    The tiny part of me that isn’t materialistic enough to need a paycheck is casting envious eyes your way…

  112. Ken Geraths says:

    Just so you know, un-employmrnt has moved in to the 21st. you do it all on line and checks are auto deposited now…lol

  113. LarryG says:

    this is lovely! thank you thank you thank you

  114. Cynthia says:

    Plagiarizm….attention…attention… you’ve copied my entire first year unemployed person diary! Movie…I mean word for word! Except for the mumu part. I went to army surplus for tents. The camouflage ones, with the ties on them. That way I don’t have to sew buttons on and the unemployment lady, Sha-Londa, cannot see me.

  115. don’t forget about soap operas and ice cream!

  116. Lisa says:

    This sounds like how my life would go should I lose my job.
    I’m sorry to hear about the job being tossed across the country, but I’d say you really do have a future in this writing thing after all.

  117. Heather says:

    Ok the worst thing about this post is that it reminds me of me when I first came to the USA (because of visa restrictions I was not allowed to work for 2 years),
    This was my day for the first 3 months
    9.00AM – Sally Jessy Raphael
    10.00AM – Geraldo
    11.00AM – Jerry Springer
    12.00 – lunch
    1.00PM – Maury
    2.00PM – Montel
    3.00PM – Afternoon snack
    4.00PM – Oprah
    Truly I had this weird fascination with these shows, we didn’t have them in the UK, apart from Oprah. So much for my big plans of learning painting, Spanish and keeping fit. Thankfully I was saved by my own depression!

  118. Where’s the part about you eating a dozen Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner?

  119. Di says:

    Oh please… will someone pick me up off the floor where I fell while laughing at this post. And I thought MY Mondays were difficult.

  120. Mondays are great when you work from home because the kids and spouse all go back to school. And thanks for answering the question about the time travel machine repairmen–I’ve always wondered about that.

  121. Jenn Thorson says:

    What do you mean– ripped sweat pants and house coats are ALL THE RAGE for interviews?…
    Oh wait, did I say interviews? I meant the airport. Getting through airport security without beeping or being strip searched.
    For job interviews, well– I don’t know– are you interviewing at the airport?
    Sorry to hear about your recent unemployment, but I feel sure you’ll get through it soon.

  122. Mahala says:

    OMG! What are stuffed cinnamon cream cheese rolls??? Why have I not heard of these? Do you have to be unemployed to get them?

  123. orion says:

    “November 17, 2008: Woo Hoo! Don’t have to go to work today. Suddenly, I love Mondays.”
    Odd… I just posted this morning about how someone had to be insane to love a Monday.