It was midnight in Los Angeles. Time to hit the hay. Man, was I sleepy. I was just about to descend the stairs when I realized I was eye-level with Franz Kafka’s main character in The Metamorphosis clinging to the stairwell ceiling. It was a monster, I tell you!
My first thought was OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD HE’S A MONSTER!!!!! In fact, I think my face resembled that spill stain on Significant Snail’s stove the other day.
My second thought was, “Where is my camera? Because when I blog about this adventure I’m about to dive into, I’m gonna need a picture!”
The problem? The monster was hanging between me and my camera, and I wasn’t about to walk underneath that behemoth, have it fall on my head and get tangled up in my hair. I’d have screamed like a banshee (that simile in honor of Authoring Auctioneer’s post about the correct usage of “like”), rudely disturbing my sleeping roommate.
See, if this were in Sacramento, I could scream for help and my husband would ride in on his white horse and slay the dragon with his mad lancing skillz. However, this was not Sacramento and the last time I called upon a roommate in L.A., it resulted in two chickens running around the house screaming with the heebie jeebies and “You do it!”, “No! You do it!”. That, plus my guilt over waking up someone who had to get up at 4am overpowered (just barely) my fear of having to do the deed myself.
My squirm count escalated as I strategized how I was going to kill this thing. And I HAD to kill it (sorry, Scratch Bags, I know how you don’t like to kill anything, including bugs). If I merely chased it off somewhere, I would never NEVER get to sleep.
I found some Raid underneath the sink and decided I would spray it to death. It was too big for me to crush with a shoe. Let me emphasize that it was too big for ME to crush with a shoe. I was getting more and more creeped out by the minute and when that happens, I have to be further and further away from it as I do damage. Therefore, it is essential that I kill it ASAP. Otherwise there is a turning point at which I am completely immobilized into a sweaty, shaking and useless mess. I would stand there paralyzed while peeing on the carpet and requiring some sort of mental hospitalization. So the stress of THAT thought is enough to motivate me to kill.
I sprayed at Satan on the ceiling, filling the house with noxious fumes, certain the smell would choke my roommate out of his slumber. The monster clicked across the stairwell ceiling and I continued to spray (PSSSSSssss!). He crawled along the carpet and down the hallway (PSSSSSSsss!). He slipped in between some boxes at the end of the hallway. (PSS- – ) I stopped, and listened to him shuffle around between the boxes. It sounded like a rat crunching on peanut shells. I wanted him to come out. I needed him to come out. My sole purpose at that moment was to end this evil being’s life.
He emerged from the boxes and crawled toward me on the carpet. I walked backwards (PSSSSsssss!) He turned around and crawled away from me (PSSSssss!). He made a right turn into the bathroom and I followed him as he crawled along the bottom of the sink cabinet (PPPSSSsss!) and skittered along the side of the cabinet, disappearing behind the toilet.
Well, now what? By now I’m gagging on poisonous fumes. I walked into the bathroom, scrunching up my toes so he couldn’t get his mealy armor in between them in case he came scurrying out in a surprise attack. Several times I walked in, toes curled, and backed out, too afraid to check behind the toilet. Or I’d take one step in and bend over to peek around the bathroom cabinet and pull back while wincing from the carpet-soaked Raid fumes in the hallway.
I finally made the leap and peered around the toilet bowl to see the monster on his back with his legs flailing around. How does that happen? I mean he was upright a minute before. How does he wind up on his back? Does he do the dramatic swoon like Daffy Duck whose just been shot, twirling around, saying “Ugh, you got me! Goodbye cruel world!” Why wouldn’t he just stop crawling? What’s with the flip and the theatrics? Drama queen.
(PSSSSSssssssss!) He wouldn’t stop flailing. I had to figure out the next step of Operation Monster Reduction. What would I do if this guy finally petered out? And if you think for one minute I could pick him up with a paper towel WITH MY BARE HANDS you are sadly mistaken, fella. I don’t care that I wouldn’t actually be touching him with my bare hands. I had too much time to think about his crunchiness and would therefore require a shovel.
Only I don’t have a shovel. It’s a condo for Chrissakes, what would I be doing with a shovel? Oh, killing bugs, yes that’s very funny. You sure are quite the comedian when you want to be. In any case, I don’t have any place to put a shovel. But never mind that, there’s a squirrelly cockroach in the bathroom right now and I need to find something to kill him and transport him out of the house because there is NO WAY I’m going to throw him in the trash. Since he’s clearly not dying anytime soon, I can’t risk throwing him into what would essentially be a life-giving force, a veritable pantry for him to nosh on overnight, gaining back his strength and in perfect cartoon likeness, pop back to his normal body fullness and track me down while I slept and crawl all over me and in and out of my orifices. Ick and Shudder!
So I grab the Swiffer, march back into the bathroom and start pounding him with the flat bottom of the tool. (See Orion? The Swiffer is awesome!) He keeps wiggling his legs and I keep pounding the floor which is right over my sleeping roommate’s bedroom, although he hasn’t managed to wake up during this whole ordeal.
After several stampings, the monster appears to be succumbing to my shock and awe. Only one or two legs remaining wiggling. OK, now I had to find something to scoop him up with. Again, wishing I had a shovel right now. I dug around the garbage (something I bet the monster wished he could have done as a sort of death row last meal kind of thing). In my bag for recycling, I found some broken down soda boxes, but for me a 14-inch-long piece of paper didn’t put the monster far enough away from my hand. What if he snapped out of it one last time to land me a death blow, like in the movies. See? I told you I get all freaked out the longer it takes. I lose all irrationality.
I settle on a long-handled broom and dustpan, brush the nearly dead thing into the pan and carry him straight out in front of me (my arms aren’t long enough, but they’ll have to do). I open the sliding glass door and hurl him out into the abyss three stories below. I apologize for not having my wits about me to take a picture of the carcass for your viewing pleasure, but here is an unreasonable facsimile:
I know! I told you he was big!
this post is priceless. You are better than I, I would have just gotten a hotel room. I am deathly afraid of those fuckers.
I was OK, squishing my face but continuing to read and then…the picture, well, I’m just glad it was at the end of the post.
That was priceless…
and YES! thank you for giving me one reason to keep that swiffer around!
You rock.
By the way, i happen to have house centipedes that travel at the speed of light, and they’re creepy as hell…
wanna come over?
bahahahah!! that is a biiig Cockroach!
Ughhh I HATE bigs/spiders/creepy crawlies! My plan of attack used to be to vacuum them up with the hose attachment of the vacuum (after putting the wand thing on it to make it as long as possible). The problem was that I was afraid that somehow spinning around inside the vac wouldn’t kill it, so then I would spray some bug spray up the hose, and then leave the hose pressed up against the wall… you know, so there was no change of anything escaping. Yikes. And no I an not exaggerating haha
I seem to have had a spider population explosion in my house the last few days. Maybe it’s all the construction to replace the water pipes under the front lawn. Not only did a little spider crawl across my computer screen last night, but his cousin dropped down to eye level from the ceiling to scare me while I was cooking dinner and his brother crawled up my pajama leg after I got into bed last night. This morning I put my arm right through a spider web erected between the paper towels and the toaster, and just now a HUGE spider walked across the wall over my desk. I AM that roommate who was no help – I can’t kill them. I just stay out of the way and hope they stay out of my pajamas.
NGIP,
Thanks so much for setting my mind at rest…NOT!!! 🙂
A
Loved it. Over here in Hawaii we have our share of large roaches. They’re called B52’s. And they fly.
I would have fainted there, and then. Dammit. I would have not been able to scream as well so that my prince my come running for me on a white horese to rescue me.This is bloody BIG!!EEEEKKKs!!!
EEEKKKK! At least you have proof that he’s dead! The other night as I opened the cabinet to get a glass, there was the brother to yours skittering around AAAAAAEEE!(how disgusting is that??) As I screamed, and tried to think (ha!) how to kill that sucker, he skittered right out onto the countertop. AAAAAEEEEEEEEE! By this time, the dog was on the hunt, but that thing fell on the floor and simply vanished into thin air. HOW DO THEY DO THAT?? It vanished?? How is that possible? Shudder….god knows where he’ll show up next.
Modthor’s largest assassin!!!!!
You know, they say that for every one that you see, there are like a hundred hiding in your walls.
Good luck!
God, you’re right! What is it with the creepy crawlie scary vermin invading our homes these past few days?
That picture is hilarious. And so is “my squirm count.” Mind if I steal that?
I sympathize. I think you had it worse than I did. I haven’t even seen our mouse yet. Once I do: it’s all over.
ZOMG!! I didn’t realize we both had bug incidents til you stopped by my blog! Holy crap, it must be a bug invasion!! btw, you’re encounter and retelling are WAY more exciting, dramatic and funny that mine! 🙂
here’s hoping you stay bug-free!
You should be a thriller writing – that was dripping with tension and white knuckle terror.
I can usually deal with anything, snakes, spiders, Mothra, but cockroaches are the epitome of evil. Even a baby one renders me helpless.
Hilarrrrrrrrious, hilarious murder!
While I don’t like to kill things willy nilly, I have one steadfast rule: I don’t venture out into nature, so nature should stay the hell out of my house. Once nature intrudes, our uneasy truce ends.
Too much? Me? Nah… I’m just enough. No matter what you might have heard.
LMAO! You sound just like my roommate. Only she wouldn’t have had the decency to let me sleep.
A friend of mine has a great story about getting a giant bug, nearly dead and dripping with toxic goo dropped into his convertible while driving around in the middle of the night.
Makes it more credible now.
Epic lulz – nice work.
Geez, did you kill it one leg at a time? And did you check on the roommate for any side effects? Good stuff! I think our spiders are related. Do you have any good snake stories? I have one coming out next week. I swear, it’s like the creepy crawlies are coming to get us!
Thanks for the laugh!
OK, that picture is HYSTERICAL. Almost as funny as the story itself. And I can so totally relate to that two-part reaction when faced with grave danger:
1. OMG I’M TOTALLY GONNA DIE
2. OMG I NEED TO BLOG THIS *NOW*
Awesome. 🙂
And, Mojo? Baby? You are too. much. 🙂 🙂
How hilarious! I’ve been immobilized by a few large spiders in my day. Do you remember the show Alf? It makes me think of the episode where they made him stay in the garage. He comes back in and says he can’t stay in there because there is a spider in the garage (he’s got his fingers apart by about an inch and then spreads his arms 2 feet wide) THIS BIG!
I’m like the only one who didn’t have to kill a really big bug this weekend.
You’ll have to read Sprite’s Keeper…one of my fellow bloggers and her story about the nasty spider in her tub.
http://www.spriteskeeper.com/my_weblog/2008/09/why-i-tried-to-kill-you.html
I’m afraid the ones down here would knife you to feed their meth addiction. If you’re afraid of bugs, don’t move to the South!
You really oughta read Maggie Dammit’s Bat Twitter escapade. You two would have sooo much to talk about.
Wait.
Maggie was out of town last weekend. NGIP was out of town last weekend. Bats… cockroaches… similes…
could the armor plated cockroach be a metaphor? And… and…
Maggie is sometimes short for…
Oh.My.God.
Now I keep looking up to see if anything is hanging above my head. Thanks for that. 😉
That is an impressive cockroach. I once started watching a movie of the Metamorphosis, until I realised he wasnt going to go crazy and suck peoples brains out with his insect beaky thing. He wasnt even a real cockroach, such a rip off.
HAHAHAHAHA. That was a good one. I love the picture to really capitalize on the Ick factor. Did I mention my last name is Cockrill? Can you imagine what the school yard kids called me? Yeah, real hate-hate relationship with those suckers! Hey, thanks for bringing up the memories . . . 😉
KJ
http://nanadiaries.wordpress.com
I laughed so hard I almost wet myself. Oh I mean, you poor thing, how horrible for you.
I’m telling you, you need a cat. They’re not just good for catching lizards!
We are, without question, related.
That picture is hysterical and I that looks like a Chinese menu or something. I’m sure I’ve eaten in that same place before. ewwwww…
Oh jeez you gave me the willies with that one! I spray the crap out of the bastards and then beat them with a broom. If I’m close to a door I fling them out. If I’m near a bathroom they get the flush. *shudders*
Also, thanks for the mention!
OMG LMAO I just can’t believe you are that brave! the armed forces will be knocking on you door for there really tough cases! lol
So glad I read this before slipping into bed…barefoot…scared to death.
haha…sounds a lot like my spider incident a couple of weeks ago! You always have to have a plan when killing a massive bug–otherwise it can go all kinds of wrong.
Not many people know that, but bugs have very sensitive testicles. All you had to do was rub his testicles with one hand and open the door with the other. He would have ran away laughing. Win win. Unless it was a female. Nipple twisting would have worked.
Dude.. seriously? For something that big, forget the spray. Just wrestle the sumbitch to the ground.
I hear apples are highly effective weapons against giant cockroaches.
Good GAWD I thought I was going to start CRYING.
Thanks for that very vivid re-enactment of what must have been THE most horrifying night of your life.
I know for sure it was the most terrifying part of my afternoon and I’m sure what will be giving me night terrors as soon as I lay my quivering head upon my pillow tonight.
The visual is an added bonus.
Hmm… The Metamorphosis, huh? That was perhaps the most tedious, brain-bleeding piece of literature I have ever read. Someone should have chased Kafka with a can of Raid.
P.S. A 12GA is faster than Raid.
P.P.S. Thank you for the correct use of a simile.
Oh my oh my oh my!!! Oh my!!! LMAO