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A Small Case of Attempted Murder

Do kids run away any more? I’m talking about the silly seven-year-old kind. Not the teenage, steal your mom’s cookie money, hop on a bus to Laughlin, Nevada, turn a few thousand tricks and come back home pregnant and tweaking. Not that kind. Ick.

We kids were playing at some girl’s house down the street from ours. I don’t remember her name, so let’s call her Agnes. I coveted Agnes’ bike and it must have shown because she let me ride it, as long as I stayed in the driveway which ran down the side of the house. The bike was a little big for me, so when her little brother stood in my path, I mowed him down, unable to brake or steer clear of the kid. He cried. I jumped off the bike, happily turning the weapon over to Agnes. As panic and overwhelming guilt flooded my senses, some sort of fight-or-flight response took over and like a weasel, I skulked away.

I was a fugitive. On the lam. I wandered around the neighborhood, too scared to go home and face the consequences of attempted murder. Mortifying images danced around my head: confrontation with both sets of parents, our family becoming the shunned ones, jail, and OHMYGOD, … probably an apology! There was no way I could face the victim’s family.

Adreneline hopped, skipped and jumped through my body. I turned down this street and went down that alley. Where could I go? I was seven and had never traveled by foot more than four blocks to school. I did not do well with the unknown, so I sat on the sidewalk at the edge of my frontier and I shook and cried. I think I was stalling, sure that my parents would have found out by now and might be looking for me. I wanted my mommy but at the same time, I couldn’t face her. She would be ashamed of me and that made me feel even worse about the whole ordeal. It would be easier if someone just caught me.

Fifteen or twenty minutes must have passed since the tragic incident when I heard the dull roar of my father’s tow truck coming down the street. He pulled up next to me and I left my fate in his hands.

“Come on,” he said.

The judge was lenient. I was released on my own recognizance and apologized to poor little Timmy (or whatever his name was) after being told by his mother that he required however many stitches on his face. Her feeble attempts to make me feel bad about what I’d done were puny and tardy. I was embarrassed and guilt-ridden beyond her wildest dreams.

And that was the end of it. This was, after all, the 70s, before people sued the crap out of each other for everything. Back then, shit just happened. You got your nose rubbed in it and then you moved on. Judgment was rendered by parents and neighbors, for free. Not courtrooms and lawyers, for thirty percent.

To give you an idea of my expansive journey that day, I’ve drawn a map:

Yep. A veritable Homerian Odyssey, that one.

(This childhood memory was dislodged by Alicia’s childhood adventure story at Pleasing Procrastinator. I even lifted her map idea.)

* * * NGIP SHOUT OUTS * * *

Speaking of childhood memories, Meg of Prefers Her Fantasy Life , who has generously added Nanny Goats to her blog roll, recently had me on the floor laughing with her post entitled Teen’s First Mammary. This post explores that whole “The-family-that-works-together…” thing. And it reveals how Newsweek magazine has insidiously evolved into a Playboy competitor, right under Tipper Gore’s nose!

And while we are going on about boobs, Sandra over at My Girls has a post entitled More Boob Squishing. No, the girls in “My Girls” do not refer to her boobs. Now if you wish for a break from boobs, you might like to check out her recipe for Texas Caviar. What is Texas Caviar? Well, go look! Sandra’s claim to Nanny Goats fame is that the NGIP banner picture was taken in her backyard. Wow, she sure has a big backyard! And with goats! NGIP thanks My Girls for adding NGIP to her blog roll.

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  • http://quiltedturtle.blogspot.com Liz

    Pretty pathetic about how much people sue these days… I agree – shit happens.

  • http://muffin53.blogspot.com empress bee (of the high sea)

    well you little criminal you! ha ha ha
    smiles, bee
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
    (ps: my blogroll is in my brain!)

  • http://www.junecleavernirvana.com texasholly @ june cleaver nirv

    That was really cute and you totally had me at the MAP. OMG. I think every post from now on needs a map.

  • http://dennisthevizsla.wordpress.com dennisthevizsla

    I think the bike was probably possessed, a la Christine. It wasn’t your fault at all!

  • http://fiestycharliewrites.blogspot.com FiestyCharlie

    I miss the 70s I really do. I wish our kids could go back and have a few of those moments in simple terms, with simple outcomes.
    Why do I have scenes from Thelma and Louise running through my head?
    LOL
    I am with Holly on the map thing… very cool and very CNN of you!

  • http://coffeejitters.blogspot.com judy haley (coffeejitters)

    I announced that I was going to run away and my mom made me wait till she made me a sandwich because she wasn’t going to let me go on an empty stomach. By the time I finished eating my pbj and milk the thought of running away had lost a bit of it’s glamor.

  • http://authoringauctioneer.com John J Savo, the Authoring Auc

    Had this happened today, you wouldn’t have gotten far. The FBI and Homeland Security would have been dispatched and you would have been taken to a secret prison, accused of hate crimes and terrorism. After a week or so of water-boaring and Kenny G music, you would have confessed to not only running Tommy over with the bike, but you would have also told them about your plan to poison the world’s tacos, thereby pissing off Mexico to the point that they would have declared war on siestas. Then the Germans would have gotten involved, proclaiming that it was all France’s idea about the tacos. The world would be thrown in to WWIII. Millions would die. And then how would you feel?

  • http://mynameis-ingrid.blogspot.com Ingrid

    Your style of writing is so appealing to me and the story was funny. It brings back memories of my own childhood, and how I felt when I had done something wrong and not intentionally. So I can almost feel the mental pain!
    Take care
    Ingrid

  • http://papercages.blogspot.com/ papercages

    You’ve done it again! Takes me back to the “old days” except of course mine are older than yours. Funny!

  • http://www.mydogumentary.wordpress.com gingela5

    That reminds me of when I hurt some kid that was younger than me and I just ran and hid. I’m not sure if I ever got caught or not. Good memories!

  • http://olgathetravelingbra.blogspot.com/ Olga, the Traveling Bra

    Yeah, the good old days…thanks for the mammaries! :)

  • http://phhhst.blogspot.com/ phhhst

    During the 70′s I was in junior then high school. Different shenanigans, but a great time nonetheless.
    Enjoyed your post.

  • http://www.daisyandus.com daisysmom

    Oh, I’m still laughing. I was reading it out loud to every one I could find- the guy on the corner is still looking at me strange (which isn’t unusual.) I’m adding NannyGoats to the Blogroll for every one of my blogs.

  • FreaKeroppi

    It’s not attempted murder if it was an accident. ;3

  • http://k1960g.blogspot.com Ken Geraths

    I love your blog May I add it to “My blogs of note?” and my other blog one I don’t remember what I called it! lol

  • http://www.momscrazylife.com dani

    You know what was amazing ? The fact that we were allowed out and up and down streets in the 70′s. Now a days you’re afraid to let your kid go anywhere. “Up the street ? Are you kidding me ? Litle suzey could get robbed and kidnapped and pimped/ tricked out, and come back as a 2 dollar hooker before she makes it back down the street to her home”.

  • http://www.lovetheeclecticlife.blogspot.com Your Pal Pinki

    I was the one who got run over by a bike when I was a kid. No stitches, but there were skid marks on my body. I could have been road kill. LOL

  • http://unfinishedrambling.wordpress.com unfinishedperson

    Poor little Timmy (Or whatever his name was). That’s what happens when you’re the one running the other person over, isn’t it? You don’t even know his name and don’t care to know. That’s how you cruel, sick people work. ;) Usually I was the one get running over by you and my name was Tommy.

  • http://pleasingprocrastinator.blogspot.com/ Alicia

    My daughter wants to know why I am laughing. hehe. Too funny, being a fugitive.
    I love the way you tell the story. I loved growing up in the 70′s. I tell my kids stories all the time about how simple it was. And there was such a thing as guilt and shame.

  • http://prefersherfantasylife.blogspot.com/ Meg

    One family’s cookie jar money is another family’s beer fund.
    Nice story.
    Thanks for the shout out. I appreciate you reading the mammary post. Seems like the posts where I actually write do worse than the posts where I publish lots of pictures and silly captions.

  • http://freewoupwithpurchase.wordpress.com Munch

    I never grew up in the 70s, but if I did I imagine something like this would happen to me all the time. Love the entry.

  • floridian

    I once dropped a garage door on the head of a six-year-old hemophiliac boy.

  • http://www.TwentyFourAtHeart.com Twenty Four at Heart

    So you were a little shit?! Me too.

  • http://offendedblogger.com Chelle B.

    Oh.My.Gosh you just triggered my own repressed memory of when I, too, ran away at age 7!
    Mine wasn’t nearly as perilous as yours, but still… I made it at least 5 blocks before the fuzz picked me up. :)

  • http://www.barefootfoodie.com Brittany

    I miss the days when not people didn’t sue people. Life was so uncomplicated then.

  • http://margeauxj.blogspot.com MJ

    Even when I was a kid, neighbor parents would dole out time-outs while they called our respective parents. Like double punishment… but, you’re right, no suing.

  • http://mojo11.blogspot.com/ Mojo

    And then 10 years later you graduated to cars … and Bummer.
    Remind me not to go anywhere on foot if I ever get to Sacramento.
    ‘Cuz I wanna live to laugh at more of your misfortunes. (*wink*)

  • http://delaney55.wordpress.com Delaney55

    Back then parents didn’t sue, kids actually played outside, and liked it, and penny candy actually cost a penny.
    Too bad kids now a days don’t get to experience life like we did then.

  • http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com Jenn

    Excellent story– and amazing how those little things as a kid loomed so big and terrifying we wondered how we’d ever survive…
    As a fellow kid of the 70s, I totally understand the “suck it up and move on” philosophy we grew up with then.
    Plus, I like to think the pain was good for our character… Or at least for our storytelling. :)

  • http://honeywine.wordpress.com honeywine

    Now, you’d be on Judge Judy, though!

  • http://absurdized.blogspot.com JelO

    Lol that’s pretty intense… You’re pretty violent as it seems.. That was hilarious.. You’re a juve on the making… haha

  • http://www.cookingschmooking.blogspot.com melly

    My sis and I kidnapped the 3 year old twins (boys) from down the street, put em on the backs of our tricylces, and ran away to downtown smalltown usa. We rode through the drugstore isles and Mr. Vicar called mom. I was 5, sis was 4. We got spanked with the back of a hairbrush…and the twins were not allowed to play with us anymore. We were “outlaws”.
    Funny Post Margaret!!

  • http://www.nannygoatsinpanties.com Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Melly: sounds like the inklings of great post on your own site!

  • Abalone

    Did you live in the house next to the hardware store? lol and you ran a whole block over. hehe good story

  • http://www.nannygoatsinpanties.com Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Abalone: i DID live next door to the hardware store! You must be from Sacto too!

  • http://happilyeverafterland.typepad.com Jennifer

    Well thank goodness you straightened up! Look how close you came to a life of drugs and criminal acts and gambling. Whew! You just never realize how close you are to a disastrous life.

  • http://www.boondockramblings.com Lisa

    So…I can’t turn you in and get reward money or something?
    Well, then why am I here?

  • http://okayfinedammit.com maggie, dammit

    On the lamb.
    Get it?
    Cuz goats are kind of like lambs and you were on the lam and –
    oh, jesus, never mind. I shouldn’t try to be funny, I don’t do it well. Quit inspiring me.

  • http://alimartell.com ali

    i tried so hard to run away as a kid…but i always ended up getting too hungry. i wasn’t smart enough to actually, you know, bring food with me or anything…;)