Nanny Goats in Panties feels the awesome weight of our duty to entertain the millions of you who stub their toe and tumble down the Internet hill, landing on the dotcom that is NGIP, Jack, with Jill right behind you! You people are relentless, coming here day after day after day.
To you anal-retentive and argumentative types who wish to point out that our traffic counter merely reads 18,000 or so, we submit that we are using an archaic blogging widget that, like a 1982 Honda odometer, has rolled over several times. Whenever that meter hits a million readers, it starts over at zero again. So really, NGIP has had like, one gazillion, forty-seven million, eighteen thousand some-odd readers as of today.
May we say we love what you’re wearing and where did you get that cravat? Your repeated bleats to Nanny Goats have been heard and your wish is our command. We can’t tell you how many requests we’ve received for more of our incredibly tantalizing, internetty tips. And the reason people keep coming back again and again to our humble site? NGIP isn’t just a blog of excruciatingly helpful hints, nor is it a vessel of humor…
It is an Internet Experience.
Oh sure, you can read all those other blogs. You might have a laugh or pick up a handy new recipe for chocolate enchilada surprise. But after digesting a blog entry at NGIP, you walk away with a satisfied sense of having lived life: a true Internet Experience. That is what we strive for and by God, that is what you will have.
Also, as an NGIP reader, you get exclusive information that will set you apart from the average blog hopper. You belong to a group whose superiority is exacerbated by what you learn here. We can make you feel inappropriately better about yourself in five minutes or less. In fact, we should get right to today’s superiority complex Tip #47.
NGIP Superiority Complex Tip #47:
We want you to feel comfortable insulting others on the internet. You should be able to throw down barbs with confidence and panache. Let’s say you’re interloping through a message forum about the Stone Tablet industry, a built-in easy target, right? I mean, who better to make fun of than Draconian internet users who can’t let go of the old ways. Stone tablets, indeed. They probably don’t even know the difference between a USB port and a hole in the ground, am I right? Idiots.
Now, let’s say you find a thread that started several years ago, something called “Help! Has anyone out there built a Colosseum?” Go in there, and sure enough, some Neanderthal newbie (username: icankount_123) has ressurrected a thread that ended years ago and has been taking up cyberspace ever since. This is a fantastic opportunity to try out a new phrase you’re just about to learn from NGIP. It’s called “Necro Post” and icankount_123 has just committed this egregious act that must not go unpunished. Say something simple, forceful and be sure to use your new phrase:
“Nice necro post, moron! No one has posted in this thread since 200 B.C. …UNTIL NOW!!!!”
Now wouldn’t that make you feel just a little bit superior? I know it would me.
NGIP has also noticed your vociferous requests for more FREE stuff. Well, we can certainly understand in today’s economy that all you cheapskates out there need more excuses to act like a Scrooge. And we’re here to help!
TwentyFourAtHeart is giving away FREE stuff like there’s no tomorrow! In fact, right now (until Friday at 8pm EST), you can win a $50 American Express Card. So get on over there and sign yourself up! And while you’re there? Congratulate her on her 100th post!
NGIP came across a virtual ad for The Swiffer at Orion Unleashed the other day – virtual being the functional word there. Visit Orion today and see if you agree with his assessment of this “revolutionary” domestic tool… tool being the functional word there. Also, NGIP thanks Orion Unleashed for adding Nanny Goats to his blog roll. Thanks Orion!
HumorBloggers.com launches today and NGIP is lucky to be a part of it. 49 other bloggers are also featured on this site. Go and have a look!
Your anger is beautiful and it makes me hot.
wait…i am wondering where the first 46 hints are as well! i guess i could search the archives, but it is too hot to do all that digging. just the thought of it wears me out!
oh…and i am having a contest as well. and it has to do with poop. i’m so classy!
You belong on the Humor Blog, because you are funny… and I mean that in the “hahahaha” way.
Congrats on your blog growing so quickly.
Amongst all this great information, the very idea of “our”… that there may be more than one goat in the herd, well, now I’m a tad frightened. I can only laugh so much.
I’m guilty of waking a dead thread or two in my day. Taunt me!
Congrats on your 87 gazillion hits! I think I’m going to tell people that my counter has rolled over since 1 mill hits. They’ll never know. They can barely check their email. Love you grandma.
Wait, I think I saw this in a movie once … these kids started posting on a dead thread, and then all the other dead threads woke up too, and then they all went to the house where the kids were and ate them. That was sweet.
omg! I now have an official source to quote in my defense when I’m ripped on for having a false sense of superiority–cuz NGIP says I should!! many thanks.
Who’s this “our”? I thought it was just you, Margaret? Or are you talking about your split personalities? I know you joined HumorBloggers.com, but it’s not like we’re all going to write a joint post together, are we?
Congrats!
I don’t want any free stuff. I just want dinner and a movie-with a hot young guy.
Can you hook me up?
I visit every day because you just give and give. And I love goats, but that’s my issue.
Hmmm…increasing blog traffic through insults, huh… There are a lot of a-holes over at my site! Think it’ll work?
Hey, you failed to tell everyone that you were the first one I hand picked for humorbloggers.com 😉
Thanks so much for pimping it out.
What up fellow Humor Blogger.
Thanks for saving me the humiliation of going back and replying to a post from a few years ago about Geraldo possibly finding Al Capone’s vault.
Jeez … do ya think I should start giving away free panties with the 50 bucks? And nanny goats? Contest ends at 8:00 pacific time tonight … who wants my $50????
I’d do a little dance for my free publicity…
but i think i’d look pretty stupid doing the “tootsie roll” in my cubicle… and besides, is it really FREE publicity…
where’s the fine print?
and i agree with the insulting, but there’s also that OTHER common phrase…
“fighting on the internet is like being in the special Olympics, it doesn’t really matter if you win… you’re still retarded.”
“Chocolate Enchilada Surprise”??
Thanks so much for that visual! Sounds far too much like a Havana Omlette to me. Blech!
Congrats on making the Prototype-50 for the new site! Not ba-a-a-ad for typing with hooves… (Hmm… I see a movie title there… Types With Hooves… I like it. Quick, somebody get me Costner’s agent!)
first of all. With the combination of reading your blog AND owning a mac, my head has officially gotten too big to fit into my cubicle.
second of all: thank you for the posting term of the day. i will be sure to use it 🙂
Wooohoo!! Congratulations:)But where are the previous 46 tips? I need them badly. :p
Congrats on all your traffic. I usually just try to bribe people to my site.
Speaking of… I have FREE PIZZA over there… 😉
Even I, in my bloggity infancy, knew better than to jump in like a moron. To assert my superiority, I prefer the more direct yet equally as effective, “dumb-ass”. But hey, whatever works for you.
(6 days)
I misunderstood the premise.
I was going to suggest that someone could show up at the home of a necro-communicator, shoot themselves and then absolutely refuse to get up.
But your thing here makes more sense.